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Original poster

50/50 contact with a newborn

122 replies

user365683 · 12/05/2021 07:36

A close friend of mine has just split with her partner (same sex.) They have a newborn baby. Her partner wants 50/50 contract right from the start meaning she is not with the baby 3 days a week. She has spoken to a solicitor who has said this sounds correct as they are 50/50 parents.

Am I being biased because she is my friend? I just feel we wouldn't take an animals baby away from it so soon. I have never heard of this happening with heterosexual couples normally the mother in the first few months at least has the majority of the contact.

OP posts:

TheCrowening · 12/05/2021 10:59

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.

Not through the family court you haven’t. As others have pointed out it would take that long to even get listed for a hearing. And no judge in the land would order such an arrangement for a tiny baby.

Alexapissoff · 12/05/2021 11:05

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.

Jesus Christ.

What a way to set a child up for a life of huge issues.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 12/05/2021 11:07

Babies need a primary care giver or the chances are of developing attachment issues
www.healthofchildren.com/A/Attachment-Between-Infant-and-Caregiver.html

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

FrozenCucumberPresse · 12/05/2021 11:15

I'm surprised they haven't found a way to live together, separate rooms, for the baby's initial months. So baby can bond with them both equally, get used to a routine, and then feel comfortable a few months down the line being with either of them. I know DH had such an incredible bond with our DS from the very beginning he was never concerned or unsettled away from his mum, just as he was fine with just me when DH was gone for a while. But the being moved from house to house would be unfair on the baby imo.

Cleverpolly3 · 12/05/2021 11:23

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.

Then they selfishly came to this arrangement themselves since no judge in a family court would consider such an arrangement in the best interests of a child.

I cannot believe that these people are allowed to function as parents. It’s unspeakably cruel and self serving like the baby is some sort of parcel or toy.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 11:37

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.

I don't think you have. Not court ordered anyway. It takes longer than 4 weeks to just get a court date.

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 11:39

Is there no chance they could live together civilly for the sake of the baby for a few months?

I don't think forcing breastfeeding in order to prevent 50/50 sits right with me. Baby's feeding should be based on what is right for the mother and baby not as a tactic.

Cleverpolly3 · 12/05/2021 11:47

There’s no need to pretend to breastfeed or encourage this as a tactic I also find that a bit extreme.

It’s about a settled home, routine and being there with the person that gave birth to them.

The sex of the other parent is also largely immaterial what matters is the quality of life for a new born baby not deciding a way to carve up a baby’s life to accommodate two adults who for whatever reason are not staying together

MishMashMummy · 12/05/2021 11:56

It is very unlikely to be 50/50 in the first year. The baby needs to be with its biological mother most of the time. After a year, 50/50 is more likely.

FrozenCucumberPresse · 12/05/2021 12:34

@ThatIsMyPotato

Is there no chance they could live together civilly for the sake of the baby for a few months?

I don't think forcing breastfeeding in order to prevent 50/50 sits right with me. Baby's feeding should be based on what is right for the mother and baby not as a tactic.

Agree. Adding trying to breastfeed into a stressful situation isn't going to help. And it's no impediment to 50/50 anyway, the mother can easily pump to maintain supply and have it collected, or pump and baby be combo fed with formula with their other parent.

Not to mention the fact that if this mother wanted to and was physically able to breastfeed she would be doing.

lanatolater2 · 12/05/2021 13:11

OP said she thought her friend wasn't breastfeeding because of the situation

Winkywoowoo · 12/05/2021 13:47

@RosieGuacamosie

The level of ignorance of some posters on this thread about same sex couples having babies is astounding!!

If the baby is conceived via a clinic and both parents are on the birth certificate, then the non-birth mother has exactly the same rights and responsibilities as a father on a birth certificate would, married or not.

100% agree with this poster. As a married lesbian whose wife is currently pregnant (my egg, donor sperm) I am also surprised people can be so ignorant about how alternative family set ups can work.

It's not about who the 'mother' is etc it's about 2 loving parents trying to work out a situation that gives them BOTH access to THEIR child. Biological or not a child conceived in a marriage (or committed relationship) IS the child of BOTH parents.

Creating a family in a gay relationship is naturally going to be something that requires ALOT of thought, emotional and financial investment and planning. Both parents will have spent considerable time planning this child so deserve the chance to spend time bonding with a much wanted baby. Their sexuality is not the issue here.

We're not in the 1950's.

AnotherEmma · 12/05/2021 14:01

"Their sexuality is not the issue here."
No, absolutely not.

"It's not about who the 'mother' is"
I disagree with this point, though. The fact is that the baby needs to form a secure attachment to a primary caregiver and that is ideally, and usually, the woman who gives birth to the baby (the mother). Separating a baby from its mother is cruel and damaging to them both.

The other parent - whether male or female - is still an equal parent but they need to accept that in the newborn days their role is to support the relationship between mother and baby while building their own bond, and not to take baby away from its mother in order to do so.

What would you do if (god forbid) you and your wife split up by the time the birth was registered? Would you expect 50-50 contact?

Cornishandproudofit · 12/05/2021 14:03

@AnotherEmma absolutely! Beat me to it.

Cornishandproudofit · 12/05/2021 14:05

@AnotherEmma absolutely. Beat me to it

Shmithecat2 · 12/05/2021 14:38

the mother can easily pump to maintain supply and have it collected, or pump and baby be combo fed with formula with their other parent.

Not necessarily. I ebfd ds and bfd until nearly 4yo. Still couldn't pump more than 3oz in a day. It's not as simple as that for some.

copernicium · 12/05/2021 14:44

There's a big difference between what people think is right, what you can agree yourselves through mediation/solicitors, and what a court would order. Courts are very much in favour of 50:50.

However, to get to court would take months. You would have to attend mediation and show that you haven't been able to agree on an arrangement that everyone is happy with.

TheCrowening · 12/05/2021 14:54

[quote MrsElijahMikaelson1]Babies need a primary care giver or the chances are of developing attachment issues
www.healthofchildren.com/A/Attachment-Between-Infant-and-Caregiver.html[/quote]
This is actually a really good, clearly written article which fully explains the reasons a child needs a primary caregiver. As I said previously and this shows, the first 18 months are absolutely key to the formation and cementing of their relationships and their resulting emotional well-being.

Anyone who is either being pressured to give in to extended periods of contact, or who is doing the pressuring, really should read this.

TheCrowening · 12/05/2021 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lanatolater2 · 12/05/2021 15:20

@Winkywoowoo no one has said the other parent shouldn't have access and the opportunity to form a close bond, nor that they're not an equal parent. Posters are just saying that 50/50 at such a young age is damaging for the baby and that the parent who hasn't given birth needs to respect that.

Shmithecat2 · 12/05/2021 15:51

@FrozenCucumberPresse

the mother can easily pump to maintain supply and have it collected, or pump and baby be combo fed with formula with their other parent.

Not necessarily. Ds was ebf, and I bfd him for nearly 4 years. Still couldn't pump more than 3oz on a very good day. ..

TheCrowening · 12/05/2021 16:12

@copernicium

There's a big difference between what people think is right, what you can agree yourselves through mediation/solicitors, and what a court would order. Courts are very much in favour of 50:50.

However, to get to court would take months. You would have to attend mediation and show that you haven't been able to agree on an arrangement that everyone is happy with.

First of all sorry for multiple posts, stupid site!

But I’ll add - courts are not generally big proponents of 50/50 in cases where there’s conflict enough to end up in court. I actually rarely see an order made for 50/50 care.

And certainly never for small babies.

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