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Original poster

50/50 contact with a newborn

122 replies

user365683 · 12/05/2021 07:36

A close friend of mine has just split with her partner (same sex.) They have a newborn baby. Her partner wants 50/50 contract right from the start meaning she is not with the baby 3 days a week. She has spoken to a solicitor who has said this sounds correct as they are 50/50 parents.

Am I being biased because she is my friend? I just feel we wouldn't take an animals baby away from it so soon. I have never heard of this happening with heterosexual couples normally the mother in the first few months at least has the majority of the contact.

OP posts:
CrumpetsForAll · 12/05/2021 09:56

OP where did your friend hear about this legal advice- if it’s from her ex it could be bullshit.

Tell her that without a court order she doesn’t have to do anything, and that a court order takes time to get- weeks if not months. In the first instance a judge would likely direct both parents to mediation to come to an agreement between themselves, and only if this had been shown to fail would they (usually) make an order.

My DC was 18mo when I split. As I was primary carer we nested first contact for a while. We’ve got an 80:20 split as my solicitor advised unless communication and relations between both of oarents is very good, 50:50 is rarely in the interests of pre-verbal children.

But in the first instance- tell her not to worry. Nothings going to happen tomorrow or next week unless she does something crazy like deny any contact. Suggest mediation, drag her heels about setting it up and seek legal advice before hand. If she’s suggested mediation her ex can’t really take her to court until they’ve had at least one session.

apalledandshocked · 12/05/2021 09:57

She needs to talk to another solicitor to get a second opinion.

beingsunny · 12/05/2021 10:02

What @BusyLizzie61 said.
It's not too late to try to establish breastfeeding, she may try to find support with this.

In a usual man/woman relationship 50/50 would not be normal at this age.

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Families
CrumpetsForAll · 12/05/2021 10:02

What a sad situation for everyone though. They all must be so disappointed as this isn’t the newborn experience anyone imagines.

Shmithecat2 · 12/05/2021 10:13

Highly unlikely 50/50 would be given so early. And honestly, the thought of it makes me feel physically nauseous on behalf of the birth mother. The ex is a selfish, inconsiderate arsehole. Please support your friend whilst she's so vulnerable.

UhtredRagnarson · 12/05/2021 10:14

@Jongleurterre

If the ex has no biological connection to the child it seems weird that they split whilst your friend was pregnant or shortly after the baby was born and she wants half custody of the child.

If that’s by the case it looks like she planned this just to get a child and used your friend.

That’s what I’m thinking.
Cornishandproudofit · 12/05/2021 10:18

Unfortunately this situation just can't be compared to a mother/father situation. The "mother" who gave birth is not breastfeeding so there is no reason why the other "mother" can't therefore have 50:50 custody

And what about a mother/father situation where the mother is also not breastfeeding?

dottiedodah · 12/05/2021 10:19

No idea about this ,but sounds somewhat improbable! Surely she as birthing parent ,would have rights above her partner in the first year?If she can try BF, also get a more family friendly Solicitor!

SpaceRaiders · 12/05/2021 10:20

Well, that would be one sure way of giving the child attachment issues.

Birth mother needs to seek further legal advice, speak to her GP/ HV and social services. Anyone in their right mind would never advocate removing a newborn from its primary caregiver. Irrespective of the method of feeding.

hparkins · 12/05/2021 10:27

your friends ex is cruel.

I suffered with really bad anxiety after the birth of my daughter and I couldn't imagine how I would of felt if I was expected to give her up 50 percent of the time at just 3 weeks old.

awful to do to the birth mother and a baby of such a young age. selfish beyond belief.

TheCrowening · 12/05/2021 10:41

The first 18 months of a child’s life is where their attachment bonds are built which will impact them for the rest of their life. They need consistency, stability and security alongside love and care. If these attachment bonds are disrupted, it could impact upon their ability to have healthy relationships for the rest of their life. I can’t imagine a single judge saying that a newborn or very young child should be shuttling between homes for large chunks of time in each. They need a primary caregiver and a stable home.

FelicityPike · 12/05/2021 10:42

@dottiedodah

No idea about this ,but sounds somewhat improbable! Surely she as birthing parent ,would have rights above her partner in the first year?If she can try BF, also get a more family friendly Solicitor!
Potentially not if she’s not the actual biological mother. I don’t know though.
Muchasgracias · 12/05/2021 10:45

All those banging on about the other mothers’ rights...the rights of the baby come first and the baby needs stability and bonding with its primary carer. 3 nights away/50:50 is excessive. This sort of set up would be extremely rare for heterosexual couples.
The rights of the birth mother are also slightly ahead of the second parent. She has carried for 9 months and birthed a baby and has healing to do. Taking her baby away for half the week is unnatural and potentially damaging.

Horehound · 12/05/2021 10:46

It is an interesting first post though, isn't it?!

IhaveMyMoments · 12/05/2021 10:46

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old.
Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.

DinoRules · 12/05/2021 10:47

No idea on the legal side of it although if they were married I can’t see why it would be treated any differently to a married heterosexual couple ie newborn deemed too young for 50:50 and stays with birth mother who facilitates access and bonding time for the other parent (father or in this case the non-birthing mother). 50/50 considered at later date when baby older. I really think anything else is cruel for the baby. It’s the baby’s needs that matter.

Obviously having given birth myself I also find the idea immensely cruel to the birthing mother, your friend. It’s beyond cruelty to separate her from her 3 week old baby and any father attempting this would be shot down in flames in RL and on MN so I fail to see why the fact it’s another woman should matter.

Your friend sound vulnerable - I’d advice her to speak to her midwife and medical team as well as a better solicitor. I would not allow my baby to be taken out of my home and if I felt that I was being pushed into this I wouldn’t allow the ex into the home to see the baby either until resolved. IF she wants to it wouldn’t be too late to establish breastfeeding with help. The bus shouldn’t matter in terms of 50/50 (I’m sure a court wouldn’t give 50/50 to a father of a 3 week old non breastfed baby so that his is not different). However, it might help your friend mentally especially if she feels that she had to stop bf due to the split and issues caused.

PegPeople · 12/05/2021 10:49

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.
Seriously?? How on earth did that arrangement come about, no court would actually advoacte for such an arrangement.
knittingaddict · 12/05/2021 10:49

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.
That's appalling. Not in the best interests of the child and I'm shocked. In the UK?
AnotherEmma · 12/05/2021 10:50

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.
😱
Whinge · 12/05/2021 10:51

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.
Surely that was their decision, rather than court ordered?
CrumpetsForAll · 12/05/2021 10:51

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.
I’d be surprised a court order was granted within a month- they would have had to wheel her straight out the labour ward and into family court! Just the exchange of various solicitors letters would take that long
knittingaddict · 12/05/2021 10:52

Also was that through the family court? I can imagine some people making a private arrangement like that in ignorance, but it's a huge error.

DinoRules · 12/05/2021 10:53

@IhaveMyMoments

I've known opposite sex seperation to get 50 50 on a 4 week old. Was 1 week with mum 1 week with dad.
That cannot be in a four week olds best interests. I’m all for 50/50 split when the child is old enough to feel secure but a four week old being passed back and forth week on week off is not right.
TheCrowening · 12/05/2021 10:57

@Muchasgracias

All those banging on about the other mothers’ rights...the rights of the baby come first and the baby needs stability and bonding with its primary carer. 3 nights away/50:50 is excessive. This sort of set up would be extremely rare for heterosexual couples. The rights of the birth mother are also slightly ahead of the second parent. She has carried for 9 months and birthed a baby and has healing to do. Taking her baby away for half the week is unnatural and potentially damaging.
No, the birth mother has equal rights to the other parent (in fact it’s parental responsibility not rights). But that’s moot because on the other point you’re right - in the family court the rights of the child are paramount and there’s no way anyone could reasonably argue that 50/50 is in a baby’s best interests.
B1rthis · 12/05/2021 10:58

She needs a lactation consultant as much as she needs a new solicitor.

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