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Original poster

50/50 contact with a newborn

122 replies

user365683 · 12/05/2021 07:36

A close friend of mine has just split with her partner (same sex.) They have a newborn baby. Her partner wants 50/50 contract right from the start meaning she is not with the baby 3 days a week. She has spoken to a solicitor who has said this sounds correct as they are 50/50 parents.

Am I being biased because she is my friend? I just feel we wouldn't take an animals baby away from it so soon. I have never heard of this happening with heterosexual couples normally the mother in the first few months at least has the majority of the contact.

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 09:12

@Doghead your attitude proves you have no thought for the child in this situation. Glad you're not in charge of family courts.

andivfmakes3 · 12/05/2021 09:13

What a mess and it will be the child that suffers ultimately

Unfortunately this situation just can't be compared to a mother/father situation. The "mother" who gave birth is not breastfeeding so there is no reason why the other "mother" can't therefore have 50:50 custody

Also this could also be a situation where the mother that gave birth isn't not actually biologically related to the child and used the eggs of her partner

Either way 50/50 is fair

UhtredRagnarson · 12/05/2021 09:13

It's quite shocking that they have split so soon after registering the birth together.

It is. And that the other mother is demanding 50/50 care of a newborn. Is there a chance this was engineered?

Interested in this thread?

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Families
UhtredRagnarson · 12/05/2021 09:14

Either way 50/50 is fair

For the baby?

knittingaddict · 12/05/2021 09:14

@littleredberries

Usually a solicitor will show flexibility during the fourth trimester
What?
PegPeople · 12/05/2021 09:15

Either way 50/50 is fair

It does not matter if 50/50 is fair for the grown ups its about what is right for the baby. The baby doesn't care about what is fair it cares about forging secure bonds with the mother its just spent the last 9 months growing inside.

andivfmakes3 · 12/05/2021 09:19

@UhtredRagnarson

Was it fair to have deliberately have had a child without a father or have a child in a relationship that was clearly on the outs? and then if this was an egg sharing situation where the birth mother used her partners eggs then this just makes a messy situation messier. If the other woman is the biological mother both her abs the child deserves 50/50

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 09:19

@andivfmakes3

What a mess and it will be the child that suffers ultimately

Unfortunately this situation just can't be compared to a mother/father situation. The "mother" who gave birth is not breastfeeding so there is no reason why the other "mother" can't therefore have 50:50 custody

Also this could also be a situation where the mother that gave birth isn't not actually biologically related to the child and used the eggs of her partner

Either way 50/50 is fair

Don't be silly
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 09:19

Not fair on the baby

FelicityPike · 12/05/2021 09:20

I suppose where it gets messy is which mum is the actual mum, that sounds wrong as I know they’re both parents but hear me out.
I mean did the mum who gave birth use her own egg or was she technically a surrogate for her wife? Or a donated egg?
Did her wife have to adopt the baby? Is baby old enough for that to have happened yet?
I know of people who’ve had 50/50 since their baby was 6 months because of weaning.

FelicityPike · 12/05/2021 09:20

Oh and your friend definitely needs better legal advice!!!

UhtredRagnarson · 12/05/2021 09:20

@andivfmakes3

*@UhtredRagnarson*

Was it fair to have deliberately have had a child without a father or have a child in a relationship that was clearly on the outs? and then if this was an egg sharing situation where the birth mother used her partners eggs then this just makes a messy situation messier. If the other woman is the biological mother both her abs the child deserves 50/50

That sounds like a thread you need to start if you want to discuss it. This isn’t the thread for it.
Twatterati · 12/05/2021 09:22

I'm sorry your friend is in this situation. It absolutely would be detrimental for the baby and could cause long term attachment problems (and also detrimental to your friend and her mental well-being). I'd also suggest if at all possible that she gives breast feeding another go, even if it's supplemented, as this is going to help her feel more in control (and more 'worthy' of being the primary caregiver), plus it's a good negotiating tool.

She is incredibly vulnerable right now so it is probably easy for her ex to manipulate and put pressure on her, so she is lucky to have you supporting her.

Regardless of what a solicitor has said I don't believe any court would order 50-50 for such a tiny baby as they do put the child's welfare first. With the huge backlog in courts anyway it would probably take ages to get sorted.

She honestly needs to stand her ground - if the ex has moved out she's not even obliged to answer the front door if it's not convenient.

Bonding with a primary care-giver is crucial for a new born. It's utterly selfish to demand otherwise and whilst I'm sure everyone agrees the other parent should be involved, it's essential baby has one primary care-giver, one settled crib/cot/bed etc and isn't being hoiked about to different environments like a doll.

Sadly I'd be worried the other parent might hassle for an overnight and then not return the baby, citing the 'primary care-giver' argument to her own advantage.

Summerfun54321 · 12/05/2021 09:24

Wondering if your friend can start breastfeeding now before her milk dries up.

AnotherEmma · 12/05/2021 09:25

"I mean did the mum who gave birth use her own egg or was she technically a surrogate for her wife? Or a donated egg?"

A woman who gives birth is the birth mother whether it's her egg or not. Women who conceive with donor eggs via IVF are still mothers, not "surrogates" Angry The woman who donated the egg is just that, the egg donor.

Of course in a lesbian couple where one mother donates the eggs and the other mother gives birth, it's more complicated, but I expect that's rare, as it would make more sense for the birth mother to use her own egg(s) if possible.

Clymene · 12/05/2021 09:27

Babies do not thrive in a 50/50 arrangement. It doesn't matter what sex the other parent is

banivani · 12/05/2021 09:29

I'm in Sweden where the absolute norm is 50/50 (and I'm a fan) but it's not advocated from birth even here, no way.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 09:29

@AnotherEmma

"I mean did the mum who gave birth use her own egg or was she technically a surrogate for her wife? Or a donated egg?"

A woman who gives birth is the birth mother whether it's her egg or not. Women who conceive with donor eggs via IVF are still mothers, not "surrogates" Angry The woman who donated the egg is just that, the egg donor.

Of course in a lesbian couple where one mother donates the eggs and the other mother gives birth, it's more complicated, but I expect that's rare, as it would make more sense for the birth mother to use her own egg(s) if possible.

Thank god someone pointed that out.
Twatterati · 12/05/2021 09:29

@andivfmakes3

*@UhtredRagnarson*

Was it fair to have deliberately have had a child without a father or have a child in a relationship that was clearly on the outs? and then if this was an egg sharing situation where the birth mother used her partners eggs then this just makes a messy situation messier. If the other woman is the biological mother both her abs the child deserves 50/50

The child absolutely does not 'deserve' 50:50. The child deserves one primary care giver to ensure proper development.

Perhaps you've never seen the consequences and damage that the lack of a primary caregiver in the early stages causes for a child. The problems caused are life-long, and incredibly distressing.

No one surely would knowingly inflict suffering on a child.

MsHedgehog · 12/05/2021 09:31

Not advocating not including the other parent when it was a child conceived together whilst married to each other, but do they definitely have the birth certificate? I had a baby 7 weeks ago and it was a 6 week wait to get an appointment to register the birth, hence why I’m wondering if they actually have the birth certificate yet, or simply made an appointment and filled out the details online.

Rainbowqueeen · 12/05/2021 09:32

This is not in the best interests of the baby. They need to develop a secure attachment to their primary caregiver.

I would never agree to this

RosieGuacamosie · 12/05/2021 09:34

The level of ignorance of some posters on this thread about same sex couples having babies is astounding!!

If the baby is conceived via a clinic and both parents are on the birth certificate, then the non-birth mother has exactly the same rights and responsibilities as a father on a birth certificate would, married or not.

Mhc19 · 12/05/2021 09:40

Unless the mum agrees, a court wouldn't order 50/50 or even overnight stays until the baby is 6 months old. Breastfeeding or not. I cant imagine it would be any different when the parents are the same sex. You mentioned that your friend signed something at the clinic. Could that be about 50/50 parenting?

ThatIsMyPotato · 12/05/2021 09:44

I would argue her ex is thinking of her self and not what is in the best interest of the baby. Find another solicitor and see what they say.

Jongleurterre · 12/05/2021 09:51

If the ex has no biological connection to the child it seems weird that they split whilst your friend was pregnant or shortly after the baby was born and she wants half custody of the child.

If that’s by the case it looks like she planned this just to get a child and used your friend.

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