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Original poster

50/50 contact with a newborn

122 replies

user365683 · 12/05/2021 07:36

A close friend of mine has just split with her partner (same sex.) They have a newborn baby. Her partner wants 50/50 contract right from the start meaning she is not with the baby 3 days a week. She has spoken to a solicitor who has said this sounds correct as they are 50/50 parents.

Am I being biased because she is my friend? I just feel we wouldn't take an animals baby away from it so soon. I have never heard of this happening with heterosexual couples normally the mother in the first few months at least has the majority of the contact.

OP posts:
Alexapissoff · 12/05/2021 08:15

That would be detrimental to both the baby and mother. Horrific.

Doghead · 12/05/2021 08:25

@ConfusedAdultFemale

I’d advise your friend to get legal advice and refuse contact out with the home for a newborn. They need routine, stability and their primary carer not being passed from post to pillar.
They're not being passed from post to pillar. They're being shared between both parents which is exactly right. Why should one parent have more rights than the other?
Original poster
user365683 · 12/05/2021 08:26

@thenewduchessofhastings not 100% on all the legalities of it myself. I do know she she signed something at the clinic which makes her the other parent and she does not have to adopt the baby. She would be liable to pay maintenance.
My friend is distraught at the minute. She seems very vulnerable I am shocked at how much she is letting her ex dictate. Think I might show her this thread to show her this isn't right.

OP posts:

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diddl · 12/05/2021 08:27

"this sounds correct as they are 50/50 parents"

How?

Alexapissoff · 12/05/2021 08:28

They're not being passed from post to pillar. They're being shared between both parents which is exactly right. Why should one parent have more rights than the other?

Because a baby needs to be with one constant caregiver. Three days a week being away from that person isn’t going to be great for attachment and bonding.

Not to mention the effect on the mother who gave birth.

It’s in no ones interest, certainly not the baby’s.

paralysedbyinertia · 12/05/2021 08:30

I would assume that a same sex parent who is married to the biological mother and has her name on the birth certificate would have exactly the same rights as any other parent tbh. Why would it be any different?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/05/2021 08:31

This sounds very wrong. The needs of the baby have to come first. The other mum should put what the baby needs above what she wants.

UhtredRagnarson · 12/05/2021 08:33

Who is the baby’s primary carer? Whoever that baby is bonded with as primary carer should remain as primary carer. 50/50 is absurd and cruel for a newborn baby.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 12/05/2021 08:34

A baby being moved homes every couple of days is it being passed from pillar to post. It causes attachment and bonding issues, it will disrupt the babies ability to settle into a routine and cause immeasurable emotional issues for the mother who birthed the baby. If you’ve grown a baby inside you for 9 months you would know damn fine you couldn’t be away from that baby when it is only 3 weeks old.

Horehound · 12/05/2021 08:34

There's going to be too many people posting on here with what they feel is right but may not actually be right. You're friend needs more legal advice.
And if she can start BF now, do that

Ilovethewild · 12/05/2021 08:37

Op, just to add contact is about what’s best for baby/child NOT what’s best for a parent, so as long as both parents put child’s needs first then contact can be arranged between parents. It’s very early in the split and they have no parenting exp of this child, so primary Carer needs to maintain this and provide regular and often contact with other parent.

Sounds good advice to contact LGBTQ family solicitor

Babies should NoT be passed between parents every day/few days, it’s not in their best interests.

Doghead · 12/05/2021 08:38

@Alexapissoff

They're not being passed from post to pillar. They're being shared between both parents which is exactly right. Why should one parent have more rights than the other?

Because a baby needs to be with one constant caregiver. Three days a week being away from that person isn’t going to be great for attachment and bonding.

Not to mention the effect on the mother who gave birth.

It’s in no ones interest, certainly not the baby’s.

Would you look at it differently if both parents were male?
Horehound · 12/05/2021 08:39

Oh and tell your friend not to hand the baby over until it is all legally sorted!!

Alexapissoff · 12/05/2021 08:44

@Doghead well I wouldn’t be mentioning the emotional well being of the mother of both parents were male. But the stability of the baby and attachment issues would still stand.

But one parent would be bound to be the main caregiver of the baby. It’s rare that a couple do 50/50 of everything. Usually one would still have to go to work while the other cared for the baby.

And even if that were so, I would still say it wouldn’t be in the best interest of the child to be swapped between the parents every few days.

Babies need stability.

AnotherEmma · 12/05/2021 08:47

A newborn should be with its birth mother, breastfeeding or not, newborns need to be with their primary carer.

Presumably your friend is on maternity leave? What about her ex-partner, is she also on parental leave?

It's quite shocking that they have split so soon after registering the birth together. What a shame the ex-partner is on the birth certificate, this means she has parental responsibility and a right to contact with the child and a say in decisions.

Your friend might find it helpful to check out Rights of Women, they have a free family law helpline and lots of information on their website.

NewlyGranny · 12/05/2021 08:57

Parents have responsibilities, not rights. Children have rights.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 08:57

They're not being passed from post to pillar. They're being shared between both parents which is exactly right. Why should one parent have more rights than the other?

No its not exactly right, and no court will force that. For many reasons the parent who gave birth should be the RP. Of course its being passed from pillar to post. Just because they are both the parents doesn't change that fact. It's not fair on the baby. They are not toys or things for people to fight over. They are helpless beings that rely on the adults to provide stability. That means having a main home that they spend most of their time.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 08:58

Bo matter how you feel about it

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 12/05/2021 09:01

Parents don't have 'rights' to children. Instead, decisions as to contact are made in the best interests of the child.
50/50 care is highly unlikely to be in the best interests of a young baby.

lanatolater2 · 12/05/2021 09:01

I don't think it's about one parent having more rights than the other. It's about the baby's right to a safe and secure start in life.

I'd feel the same if it were two men. One stable home with regular contact with the other parent.

PegPeople · 12/05/2021 09:04

@lanatolater2

I don't think it's about one parent having more rights than the other. It's about the baby's right to a safe and secure start in life.

I'd feel the same if it were two men. One stable home with regular contact with the other parent.

Exactly. 50/50 is fine when children are older and more secure in their attachments but it's absolutely not the best thing for a baby who is only 3 bloody weeks old. Anyone advocating for such an arrangement is unquestionably doing so for their own benefit rather than that of the child Irrespective of their sex.
MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 12/05/2021 09:06

Are they married op?

littleredberries · 12/05/2021 09:08

Usually a solicitor will show flexibility during the fourth trimester

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/05/2021 09:10

That is not right. I split from my ex husband when DS was 10 months old, I was SAHM at the time and as the primary caregiver no way would I have agreed to 50/50. It is about what is best for the child, not what is fair for the parents.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 12/05/2021 09:11

Would you look at it differently if both parents were male?

No. One parent should still be the main carer. Anyway that's a shit argument because males can't give birth.

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