If you’ve got a good relationship with your MIL...

[Lavinia1]

...what are the main reasons for that?

I’ve got 3 sons and no daughters. They are all lovely kind affectionate little boys and one day (I hope) they’ll grow up, get married and have kids of their own. I hope that I’ll have a good relationship with their future little families but there are so many negative MIL / DIL relationships on Mumsnet it seems like the norm and that worries me.

It doesn’t help that I also have a terrible relationship with my ILs and DH and his sister have very little meaningful contact with their parents (although their childhood was ok)- For us I think that’s down to the IL’s behaviour since we had our first DS and I’ve certainly learnt how not to behave towards a future daughter-in-law from them.

On the flip side, my own mum has two DILs and my DH and has a great relationship with all three of them. Trying to pinpoint why, I think it’s because she genuinely cares about them and it shows. She’s open minded, easy going, selfless and helpful. She’s got a good sense of humour and it all makes for a very relaxed relationship.

Is it the case (as in my experience) that a good or bad relationship with adult children is earned (whether they are male or female) or is there something in the old saying “a son is a son until he meets his wife...”?

I’d love to hear from people who get on well with their MILs, you don’t hear so many of those stories on Mumsnet but maybe that’s because people don’t post as much if everything is fine.

I love my MIL. But so does everyone. Sheb is (or rather was, as she now has very advanced dementia) the most accepting and kind of people. She and my late FIL took me into their family whole heartedly from day 1. I probably was far from the perfect DIL in the early days, but they never showed me anything but acceptance and warmth. And she was the most loving of grandmas.

But that was who she naturally was. She didn't have to think through how to be with me. She just was herself. I learned so much about how to mother and grandmother from her (my own mother having always been difficult). But I'm still not her, and as I'm quite shy and a bit more stressy, it's impossible for me to emulate her entirely. But my DDs' partners probably don't overthink the MIL relationship!

She's dead now unfortunately but I got on brilliantly with my MiL. We genuinely loved each other, I was more like a daughter, we lunched together, shopped together, went on holiday together. Very close. She was also a fantastic loving Grandma.

I don't think she was that great a Mum tbh for a variety of reasons but I just think by the time she was a MIL she had her independence and freedom and could choose where and with whom she spent her time.

She was very open minded, eager to learn about new things and always very proud of us.

My MIL is a pleasant, reasonable person, as am I. We both love my DP/her son, so we naturally have a good relationship

there are so many negative MIL / DIL relationships on Mumsnet it seems like the norm and that worries me

I don't think this is reflected in real life. Everyone I know gets on - to varying degrees - with their ILs. On MN they are toxic, narcissists ....

My MIL is no longer with us, but we had a decent enough relationship. I think the secret was mutual respect and keeping a healthy distance. We were very different women with very little in common other than that we both loved DH. We could never be close, but were always polite and kind to each other, and I always felt welcome in their family. Most importantly, she never overstepped or tried to interfere. Also importantly, DH always had my back.

Like you, OP, I have three sons and no daughters, though my boys are grown up. I hope I'll be a good MIL when the time comes. I'm close to my boys and hopefully it will stay that way.

Yes I got on well with my MIL (now deceased), we both respected each other and respected boundaries. She didn't treat me 'like a DD', which I think is right, I was not her DD, she had her own DDs ... but we got on well, had interests in common etc. I didn't treat her like a mother (I have my own mother) but I was fond of her and we had a good relationship.

I think you're right about how a relationship with adult children is earned.

I get on with my MIL but we're not close at all, we dont speak outside of her visits but we get on perfectly well when shes here!

I would say take an interest in them beyond your son, be kind to them, pretty much what you said your mum does with you and your husband.

I haven't got any kids yet but I hope that if I have sons or daughters in law one day that I will treat them like my own! I love the thought of going out for lunch or dinner or shopping with my adult children/in laws when the time comes.

My MIL had a large family and was easy going and lovely. She was very extrovert and sociable. The opposite to me but we got on very well. She never offered advice unless asked. She was easy to like as she liked me from the start.

I have 1 son and have the same fear! Although actually my parents are closer to my brother and his children than they are to me so maybe we run against stereotypes.

My MIL is genuinely lovely. She drives me slightly batty (in that way that family members are supposed to) but she is the kindest person I know and raised her 2 sons to be kind above all else. She accepted me straight away although I can still remember how nervous I felt the first time I met her. She is a fab nan to DS and BIL's children. None of the ridiculousness you see on here although she does spoil them a little. I will totally model my behaviour as a MIL on hers when DS is older.

To be fair I had a previous MIL and a nearly MIL in between and they were both good sorts as well. People clearly only post on here when there is a problem rather than when things are fine.

My in-laws are fantastic. They are caring people with fairly good boundaries. So they'll mow the lawn (yay!) but also take feedback (I'd really rather you didn't fold my knickers) and be wonderful about it.

And they care about me for me, not just as a vessel for grandkids. So when I was post c section in hospital, they were also very much visiting me, to make sure I was doing okay.

They're just nice people.

She's a lovely person and we have similar interests!

Mine past away last year but I loved her to bits, she stayed out if our business and we could a good chat whenever around her and she never judged me and made me feel like part of the family. She have the kids at the weekends over night when I needed a break when they were younger.

Like wise my husband loves my mum like he does his own, care for each other get on fine and likewise they mum isn't passive aggressive just supportive and kind.

I love my MIL (she isn't technically my MIL until my wedding but that's just 3 weeks away now!)

She's kind, funny, easy to get along with. She's also very wise and has good values. For instance, she's always proving to me how the best things in life are free. She loves children and making a fuss of others.

I get on great with my MIL, in none Covid times we meet up for coffees on our own. It's also nice that she gets on well with my mum (even though they are like chalk and cheese!) and we often do things as a group.

She's friendly, interested but not intrusive, thoughtful, she sees her sons faults ... she doesn't blindly think he's always the one in the right on the few occasions we've argued (DH & I argued that is) , we have a similar sense of humour. We are very relaxed in each other's company. She's fab!

My mil passed last year unfortunately, we came from two cultures, couldn't speak each others language (although we both tried to learn) and saw each other once a year at best.

But she was the most accepting woman, not so much to our marriage at first due the cross of culture, but when the children came along. My eldest DC has ASD, and for a country which is known for little tolerance or understanding of neurodiversity she was amazing. She found a way to enjoy her grandchild outside of the cultural norms. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but it meant everything. We bonded over our love of the children, and how she interacted with them. She would have, and did everything she could to make them comfortable and happy while they were staying with her. I know it took her a lot to not be physical with her first grandchild and to find other ways to express and enjoy the moments. And I'll always adore her for it.

In your original post you said your Dm is...

'open minded, easy going, selfless and helpful. She’s got a good sense of humour and it all makes for a very relaxed relationship'

And this is exactly how I'd describe my MIL. She's always there for me and even when me and dh argue she takes my side 99% of the time ;) she's never judgmental and would literally do anything for us. She truly a lovely person.

1. she adores her grandkids
2. she doesn’t “expect” anything from us except a call from DH every few weeks
3. she offers no views on parenting

My mil was wonderful. That doesn't exclude the times I found her infuriating.. but we had one thing in common, love, We both loved her son and my children. sometimes she liked to flex her muscles but it was always from a place of love (and often insecurity). She died a few years ago. I miss her terribly. Be kind and understanding

I think what helps is if the MIL / PIL have interests of their own and a full, busy life ... not just expecting to be part of the extended family all the time, my MIL had a busy, successful career before she retired and then had a number of interesting voluntary roles and hobbies so she was always busy and active (as are my own DPs), you do read on Mumsnet about families who seem co-dependent on each other with endless visiting, phone calls, 'being entertained' etc etc. That would drive anyone mad.

I love my MIL though it's different now as she has advanced dementia and is in a care home.

She wanted me to be happy and ok because she knew my wellbeing affected her son. She loved him very dearly and naturally included me in that love.

We had quite a few 'moments' ill be honest, as she has very strong opinions on lots of things and we disagreed on quite a lot... it didn't matter. There was enough we agreed on.

I have a good relationship with my mil despite language and cultural barriers. She has also accepted me for who I am, given me the benefit of the doubt, and been supportive but not interfering of mine and dhs decisions. I also have boys, and hope I can be the same with my dils. I think one of the key things is making the effort to like that person, even if they have different ways/values from you.

@lavinia1 I think the fact you're even considering this means you will likely have lovely relationships with any future DILs!

I love my MIL.
She’s very supportive, always there for us.
She can see when I’m getting tired and offers to take the kids for an overnight, for example.
She gives advice when she knows it’s wanted and tends to stay diplomatic when she can sense it isn’t!
She has a lovely relationship with the kids as well, makes a real effort when they’re there, builds dens with them and so on! She adores them, which is also wonderful.

My MIL is lovely, very relaxed and easy going and forgiving. She loves all her grandchildren and has no obvious favourites and when she comes to visit or we go there she loves spending time with our DC and doing things with them. I much prefer having her to visit than my Mum who likes to silently stew because I have the 'wrong' kind of dishcloths.

My mother in law is great. She’s kind, loves to spend time with us and dc, doesn’t interfere, she has a good relationship with dh.
She’s an ex school teacher so always has some random things that she shows the dc like jars of paper clips and gives dc magnets. She loves doing stuff with them.

Can I just add that it’s not always down to you or anything you’ve done. Some people are just hard to get on with despite your best efforts.