If you’ve got a good relationship with your MIL...

[Lavinia1]

...what are the main reasons for that?

I’ve got 3 sons and no daughters. They are all lovely kind affectionate little boys and one day (I hope) they’ll grow up, get married and have kids of their own. I hope that I’ll have a good relationship with their future little families but there are so many negative MIL / DIL relationships on Mumsnet it seems like the norm and that worries me.

It doesn’t help that I also have a terrible relationship with my ILs and DH and his sister have very little meaningful contact with their parents (although their childhood was ok)- For us I think that’s down to the IL’s behaviour since we had our first DS and I’ve certainly learnt how not to behave towards a future daughter-in-law from them.

On the flip side, my own mum has two DILs and my DH and has a great relationship with all three of them. Trying to pinpoint why, I think it’s because she genuinely cares about them and it shows. She’s open minded, easy going, selfless and helpful. She’s got a good sense of humour and it all makes for a very relaxed relationship.

Is it the case (as in my experience) that a good or bad relationship with adult children is earned (whether they are male or female) or is there something in the old saying “a son is a son until he meets his wife...”?

I’d love to hear from people who get on well with their MILs, you don’t hear so many of those stories on Mumsnet but maybe that’s because people don’t post as much if everything is fine.

My MIL is 92 and I lover her to bits. I have been with DH for 30 years so I first knew her when she was newly retired.

She is just quiet and unassuming but very kind and also can be wickedly funny. She has never expressed any judgement towards us as a couple or as parents. She loved helping out when the kids were small but never overstepped. My DD is 22 now and they are very close as well.

She is just nice and that's a big thing. Alot of the difficult MILs seem to just not be very nice people. Either they can't accept that their little darlings have met a woman who is now their main focus, or they have certain opinions on what wife/parter should be doing for their prescious offspring. Or they are just not very nice people.

It feels like its all about getting to know your DIL and getting the right balance between being friendly and supportive without getting over invovled unless they encourage it. Like any kind of relationship, you get to know what kind of interaction works between you and that person and you don't try and force anything. As well as being nice, its a lot about being self aware. Also listeningto and taking cues from the other person.

I have a son as well and my mil is nice but one thing that has taught me so far is never interfere about the care of my future gc. My one and only issue with my pil is that they want to spend every holiday with us, takeover the care for my DS and act like a mum. If you can adjust this, you will be fine. Be supportive when needed, but also acknowledge she is the mother and also acknowledge that my sons new family comes first.

I don’t have one as DHs Mum sadly passed away shortly after the birth of DS1 around 18 years ago.

However my previous MIL (& FIL) and I are still good friends with both myself & DH - I was very close to them, I was with their son (also still a good friend) for 8 years, I lived with them during that relationship for a couple of years & I adore them.

From the first time I met them they were warm, kind, fun, interesting and interested, friendly as well as being endlessly generous and thoughtful. They gave us space, didn’t make judgments, were supportive - even during & after our split. I’ve always kept in touch with them & when I met DH they welcomed him in to their family too. My ex (& I think of him more like I brother now so haven’t called him that for many years!) is very much a product of his upbringing & shares a lot of their qualities - clearly generosity of spirit being one of them (as does his now wife too thinking about it - as it’s possibly an unusual situation to be ok with I guess).

What made the friendship with my (ex) MIL so amazing was that she always made me feel loved and welcome, it was (& is) motherly to a degree but without any of the intensity or judgment or duty I have with my own mother, who has always hated everyone I’ve been with (until it’s over and the rose tinted glasses kick in & they were suddenly so wonderful, not like ...that’s a whole different box of frogs though!!).

We can’t wait to meet up post COVID (they live 3hrs away and were shielding) & I really hope, as a Mum of two sons that I can model my MIL skills on her incredible example..who knows though, I’ve got no idea how I’ll feel if I didn’t like the partners my sons choose (I guess you look for the good in them and try to understand why/hope your kids make good choices & don’t give advice or opinion unless it’s asked for!?)..

I love mine to bits.

She respects me as my own person and takes an interest in the parts of me that don't relate to her son (work, health etc). I respect her as a person unrelated to the fact she is his mother.

She respects our autonomy as an adult couple and let's us get on with want we want without interfering.

She has my back and I trust her. I had a horrible time in a previous job and she was so supportive, even sending me little texts in the morning before work to lift my spirits.

She is kind above all else and cares about our happiness.

She doesn't think the sun shines out of her sons arse and is realistic that couples will have disagreements sometimes and doesn't assume he is always in the right.

We share similar values about feminism and a 'woman's role', I.e doesn't expect me to wait on her son and has high expectations for his behaviour as a partner.

She's a laugh! Love having her around

Oh my goodness, I must be over-tired, this post had made me tear up... such lovely generous comments about MILS.

My MIL is very different and drives me crazy, but she means well and would do absolutely anything to help, and I tell her how much I appreciate her.

I think you need to teach your children now that there are two sides to your families and value them both so when they are older they will value both sides too.

My MiL is great. I respect her hugely for welcoming me into their family from day one despite the fact she must have known that her son settling down with me in the country we live in meant that his plans to move back home were shelved. They are so close and I know it must be so sad for her that he lives far away but she has NEVER shown that to him or me. She puts knowing that he is happy above what she would like, which would be to have her son close. I love and respect her so much for that and hope I can have the same selfless attitude to my own children’s happiness down the line. She has always made me feel like a valued member of their family from day one and acts like her son is lucky to have me (he is )

My ex MIL was lovely and we got on really well.
She was kind but also didn’t interfere with how we did things, wasn’t overbearing and hadn’t babied her son, so he’d not grown up with default “mum does everything for me and I don’t do housework cause I’m a man.” Attitude. She also had a savage sense of humour. I liked her a lot.

Current DP I’ve not met his mum, and DP doesn’t have a fantastic relationship with her so it’s not something I’m pushing.

Love love love my MIL. She’s generous, loving and kind, and has always shown huge interest in me beyond just being my DH’s GF/wife. I really like spending time with her because we have a very similar sense of humour and overlapping interests, and I’m often the one calling her (over DH) because I love talking with her.

She’s instilled all the good aspects of DH that I like (social responsibility and caring for others, good manners at all times, thinking the best of people) and watching her parenting and grandparenting means that I’m more able to laugh at my own parenting errors and panics, particularly when DC were very little.

She’s just a very smart, interesting, loving woman who’s still a role model for me more than two decades since we met.

Well, I think you've hit the nail on the head with your mum and why she has good relationships, she's loving, kind, easy, relaxed?

When your those things is also easier to forget all the other crimes that are often listed here, like over stepping boundaries.

If someone is totally and utterly selfish, thinks grandchildren are their god given right and act like it, struggle to be kind, act like they are doing everyone a huge favour all the time, nasty, make nasty comments, don't see to care about child safety, sees any comments about child care as an attack.. Over rides parents all the time on larger issues.

Then, there will be problems, especially if the gc themselves don't warm to them.

I also know what not to do with my dc!
Ask them not foist things on them all the time, offer help, treat them with respect like adults, don't patronise them, treat them as other, if I am lucky enough to have gc and be asked to look after them, then I won't do my own thing if they ask me to keep to a routine or nappy training, I won't foist what I want to do into them causing them problems.

I'll be respectful and respect their joy at being parents and I won't insist on things... And hopefully I'll like my dc partners, but make them feel welcome, they can help themselves, and treat them well..

I'll be mindful that if I treat them with mistrust, snobbery and rudeness I can't expect them to suddenly like me.

The first DIL ruined it for me, she was controlling, didn’t let DP see his relatives very often, and never alone, she always had to be present, she didn’t allow MIL to have the children alone, and was just not a very nice woman at all.

So, although my MIL is a decent enough woman, I am paying for someone else’s mistakes, I’m asked whether it’s ok for DP to visit, I’m thanked when he’s ‘allowed’ to go there alone, even though after 10 years she should know I couldn’t care less what or when he does something.

I like my MIL, we have a pleasant and friendly relationship - she is a kind woman who welcomed me into the family and has helped us out in a number of ways. She (and FIL) were very involved, maybe over involved, in DH's life when we met and I was bracing myself for some conflict and the need to assert boundaries when I moved in. Fortunately it hasn't been hugely necessary, theyve got an opinion on everything of course and there's been a few incidents where I've had to grit my teeth for politeness sake, but generally they're happy to say their piece and then leave us to it.

I'm quite conflict averse and have a horror of offending people so MIL has maybe got away with a bit more than she would have with a more forthright DIL, but I know she always means well and loves DH and I am grateful for the practical support theyve provided eg looking after the dog at times, so I let minor irritations go over my head. Probably she does the same as I'm sure I get on her nerves at times.

I've felt a tiny bit let down by their lack of ... effusiveness I guess, about baby DD their first grandchild. Considering how full on theyve been about every other aspect of DH's life I've found their reaction to DD a little lukewarm. But lockdown has had a lot to do with that, and as anxieties ease along with restrictions I hope the relationship will grow. I am grateful that it didn't go the other way and i didn't get told how to parent and a barrage of well meaning suggestions - on balance I'd rather it be this way than have to deal with that!

I no longer have my parents. I don't know whether that makes a difference - theres no other side to divide time between and I'm very keen for both DH and DD to maintain close relationships with the only grandparents she has.

Dmil is kind and supportive. There is no reason not to like her! She was very welcoming to me and has helped me in my career by looking after the dc a couple of days a week when they were little.

I'm sure there are plenty of times where she wouldn't have chosen to parent in the way I parent, but she (wisely) doesn't choose to bring it up. She only offers advice if I ask.

my mil is and always has been great even though me and her son are no longer together. i always felt very close to her i think mainly as my own parents were incredibly abusive so until i met ex-dh i didn't really have much of a concept of what a "normal" family was. my mil was welcoming, kind and respectful and always treated me the same as her daughters. she also genuinely loves my kids and when i went back to work after maternity leaves she was more than happy to look after the kids for the first few months until we saved for nursery and i know they are 100% if not more happy with her as she will always put them and their needs first. even though we are no longer together she keeps in touch with me, gets a lot of stuff the kids need and is tbh the only parent figure i have ever really had. i don't have my own family at all and it is very hard so i feel thankful to at least have one person

I think principally because we're both Christians (as in born again, passionate bible believing Christians, not just a nominal thing).

We therefore have all our really important beliefs and principals in common, plus an obligation to love each other, in the practical ways of showing patience and kindness and forgiveness.

We are very different personalities with from rather different backgrounds, but it's easy to find reasons to love each other when you try

I get on well with mil but she is dh’s stepmother and only married fil once dh had already left home.

Mine is fab. She's always been welcoming and kind to me, offers support but doesn't interfere. I think that's key.

There have been times She's grated on me, but there isn't a person on the planet who doesn't grate on me at times.

I have thought about this too, being a mum of 2 sons with no daughters. My MIL has set a great example which I will follow.

My mil has passed but she was just the loveliest woman. Was always so nice to me. To everyone really.

I love my MIL, she is an amazingly strong woman who raised her two DS’s on her own when she fled her abusive exH.

We are very different people - for example she’s a born again Christian and I’m an atheist, but we don’t push our views and respect each other.

I have always treated her as I would my own mother in regards to our DC, if she gave me some outdated advice I would just roll my eyes and smile just like I would with my mum.

She’s been staying with us since before Christmas, she became homeless and then lockdowns etc have meant she hasn’t found anywhere else to live yet, I’m going to be gutted when she leaves tbh.

My MiL has two sons, and I get on really well with her, mostly because she's a lovely caring person. We're very different, and I do ignore the more uptight parts of her personality (too tidy by far), but she consciously doesn't interfere, and I've always made an effort to include her, giving her stuff to do at our wedding, and sending lots of updates and photos of DS - my communication is better with her than DH's

I think we both appreciate the effort we put in with one another initially, and now genuinely care about each other (been seven years now)

I get on well with my MIL. We both love her son so it's good common ground to start with. She's a lovely woman who would do anything for her family, and I'm part of her family.

My MIL is kind, generous, thoughtful and tolerant, probably more of all of those than I am. She also adores my DD and is the best possible DGM. On that basis, it's easy to accept the slight niggles caused by different personalities and expectations. I genuinely like her, and respect her for her many excellent qualities. And she raised a fantastic son!

Honesty, tolerance, patience, forgiveness and kindness.

I get on really well with my MIL- better than my husband and and his sisters do!
I can understand her quirks completely, but haven’t been brought up with them so I find them easier to laugh off than they do.

I love my mum dearly but also understand that she can say and do things I don’t agree with (just like my MIL)
I understand it’s a generational thing and generally see the good in people- the good outweighs the bad.

Things she has said in the past, I have always laughed about/ wrote off- whereas I have a lot of friends that think they are despicable things to say to a daughter/daughter in law!

I think it’s a lot to do with the daughter or daughter in laws attitude most of the time- if they can let things pass and understand that generations change and say things that may not be acceptable as the years go on.
Although I do not agree with things DM and MIL say sometimes, I understand it’s coming from their generation, it’s coming from experiences, from love and they would never mean to hurt me personally. I love them both dearly and would never fall out with them about their opinions.

I know my opinions have changed completely over the years and dread to think , what I think will be “normal” to say in years to come so I hope, if I ever have a daughter in law, she will be as accepting as I am and understand the generational divide!

My experience is maybe different though as I know neither are deliberately nasty people- they are both extremely kind people who do good for everyone- they just have their own “ways” and words that can be misconstrued- that get worse the older that they are!