If you’ve got a good relationship with your MIL...

[Lavinia1]

...what are the main reasons for that?

I’ve got 3 sons and no daughters. They are all lovely kind affectionate little boys and one day (I hope) they’ll grow up, get married and have kids of their own. I hope that I’ll have a good relationship with their future little families but there are so many negative MIL / DIL relationships on Mumsnet it seems like the norm and that worries me.

It doesn’t help that I also have a terrible relationship with my ILs and DH and his sister have very little meaningful contact with their parents (although their childhood was ok)- For us I think that’s down to the IL’s behaviour since we had our first DS and I’ve certainly learnt how not to behave towards a future daughter-in-law from them.

On the flip side, my own mum has two DILs and my DH and has a great relationship with all three of them. Trying to pinpoint why, I think it’s because she genuinely cares about them and it shows. She’s open minded, easy going, selfless and helpful. She’s got a good sense of humour and it all makes for a very relaxed relationship.

Is it the case (as in my experience) that a good or bad relationship with adult children is earned (whether they are male or female) or is there something in the old saying “a son is a son until he meets his wife...”?

I’d love to hear from people who get on well with their MILs, you don’t hear so many of those stories on Mumsnet but maybe that’s because people don’t post as much if everything is fine.

I get on with my MiL. She is kind and chilled out and genuinely tries to help.

I think though that the relationship between boys and their parents vs girls and their parents does tend to be different. I think girls tend to visit their parents more and care for them more often. I don’t think that has to be the case - as I have known men to also visit their parents daily and bring their shopping and do cleaning. I don’t know if this has to do with people’s expectations of boys vs girls as they grow up?

My MIL is great. I’m married to the youngest of her 3 sons and she has great relationships with all of her DILs. I think one of the key things is I can 100% trust her with my children as I know she’ll follow our parenting rules and beliefs (even if they aren’t her natural position on things). She and I are also quite similar, so we enjoy spending time together. My PIL have been our main social life for the last year (we have an under 1s bubble with them & live nearby)

I loved my late MIL, she died a couple of years ago, we just hit it off, had lots of interests in common, she was a brilliant grandmother too. We didn't agree on absolutely everything but we really were pretty close, I miss chatting through Strictly and Bake-Off with her by text, miss sharing our crafting and gardening achievements, talking about all sorts.

Yes both my pil
Were just similar people.
Take us as you find us.
Speak our mind.
No having to Impress
If dh was to make a mistake or whatever and it came in conversation if we'd had a disagreement then they wouldn't take sides, we'll actually they normally tell him not to be an idiot haha

My Great Grandmother was a fantastic MIL, according to my Grandmother.

My Grandad only went round there once to whine about his wife, because my GGM told him he was an adult, she wasn’t interested in the minutiae of his marriage, and to go home

She was very much there for them during the true lows - losing their child, for example.

She cared, was warm, easy to get along with and never crossed a boundary.

Something my Grandmother has modelled with her own sons, my DSM adores her, my Uncles ExW is still in regular touch with her (she has a child with my Uncle) and his first girlfriend is still doing my Grandmas hair

I love my MIL. She has always been positive and supportive. There is mutual respect. I am very grateful to her for bringing up a fine son. She lives in another country and I call her every week. (DH died young).

However, sadly I don't have a good relationship with DS's long-term GF. I tried very hard to emulate MIL, but GF was so rude and dis-respectful on so many occasions, that our relationship broke down and remains uncomfortable. Respect goes two-ways. It's vital in the MIL relationship.

I would never in a million years have treated MIL the way the GF treated me, DDs and our home. I imagine how I could have handled it better if I'd acted like MIL, who is really dignified. She would likely have said nothing, but distanced and made excuses not to see or invite the offending GF (and son). Freeze them out! But that's not ideal either is it. A good MIL relationship so much depends on mutual respect at all times - on both parties actively wanting that and working for it. It also relies on DS encouraging that level of respect.

I believe the GF saw DS's relationship with his family as a threat and her behaviour was aimed at setting up a row so he'd have to take sides. A kind of isolating coercive control. Sadly it seems to be working. Not sure there is much you can do to be a great MIL if you have a toxic DIL, other than try to bring up DSs to have more respect for themselves and their family! Hopefully we'll get there...

I love my MIL, she is a tremendous worker! I am a little bit in awe of her. She had 7 children and washed all cloth nappies in a twintub. Then worked various jobs around children until going full time when her youngest DCs were secondary school age. Alongside this she bakes several times a week, walks with neighbours, has some family round for dinner every week, remembers everyones birthdays, anniversaries and bereavements, doesn’t miss anything, visits sick or lonely relatives. Now in her 70s she does a part time job, childminds grandchildren 3 days a week, still baking. She has had health problems, she motors on, explaining but not complaining, praying about the things she cannot change.
She would never boast about her or her children’s achievements, she forgives, she has good morals but rarely comments/intervenes in what others are doing. She does talk about other people and it’s clear what she expects of them but it never is gossiping or getting into a drama. My FIL is lovely too - he worked hard too - but I think maybe her influence keeps him going. They would drop everything to help us if we needed (and we them). She is extremely reliable and stable/consistent. Fair between her children but it doesn’t seem forced. If any child lived away she would speak to them every week, catch them up on family news. Not a long chat. Mostly they would ring her but if it had been more than a week I’d expect her to ring. She is always sympathetic to people in a bad situation and I’m amazed that she never is frustrated they don’t sort themselves out. She knows what it is like to be short on money, she is reasonably thrifty. She comments on people’s good attributes and efforts (not OTT) but usually it’s not about looks or cash. She might say “I like your dress” but also “you’ve done a great job getting everyone ready” or “the food was really delicious”.

I sometimes am sad I’ll never be this woman but then think I’m lucky to have her, I’m lucky she raised DH, I’m lucky she is my DCs grandparent, I don’t want to let her down, I’ve made her sound perfect, no one is perfect! She accepts if we do things differently. She always says thanks. She always says “if you need the children picked up” or “if you need anything”. She loves my children. If you were really ill (struggling to make dinner kind of ill) she’d be round with a pan of mince and a fresh loaf or something similar but not stay too long.
On MN I imagine people would say “you have a DH problem, with her just turning up like that!” but really she is a busy woman but never rushes and we don’t get too much of her.

I’m sorry for my essay, I could write “an ode to my MIL”. When I think of being a MIL I am resigned to the fact that I am myself and not her and I will try my best and concentrate on my failings and not other peoples. Also expecting the best in people and trying to be a good reliable person. Often though it’s probably the things she doesn’t say that makes the difference and I can work on that!

My MIL is a pleasant, reasonable person, as am I. We both love my DP/her son, so we naturally have a good relationship

Same.

We are very different people, and she annoys me sometimes, but I think that's the Mother/daughter element of the relationship

I love my mil. Everyone does, she kind, funny and the hardest working woman I know

She loves us very much but gives us space, she never over steps. Occasionally I wish she'd make a bit more effort. She doesn't see dh through rose tinted specs, she does see sil through them but most of the time that has no effect on me

I don't always like everything about my MIL but I love her in my own way and I make a big effort with her for the sake of my DH and DC. She makes a big effort with me too and is generally very kind and thoughtful.

I think it is luck of the draw really, but this relationship, more than any other, benefits from emotional maturity in my experience.

I get on with my MIL. I think you don’t hear about the good ones because there is no need to vent about them. She’s helpful, she aims to make life easier for us not harder, she remembers having small children and what they need/like. She also is not prone to making unreasonable demands of us. SFIL is also very good with the kids, though it took a few years to reign in/get used to some of his more outrageous views/statements.

My SMIL is a bit harder to take. But it is really only post kids that it became such an issue. She just does not remember having kids it would seem. Neither does FIL, though he was not what you call hands on.

Anyhoo we now do not stay with them with the kids. It is just too stressful. Babies are messy eaters, babies wake up mid dinner and yes their mothers need to leave table to look after them. Toddlers get into everything etc. she can’t handle it. He isn’t any better. And we also don’t go on holidays with them. Ever. They were going to “pay” for the whole family to go on a very kid-unfriendly holiday. We initially agreed since they were paying. But they didn’t really pay much though, we were looking at thousands to do a holiday that was going to be a lot of work and not much fun with 3 babies/toddlers.
We got out of it because could not get travel insurance for one (fun fact, she was a baby suffering from recurrent pneumonia and her doctor grandfather thought taking her to the snow when it was finally summer where we live was a reasonable request....). Our relationship never really came back from that one.

How well you get on with future dil's depends on your sons.
My ds likes to see us and rings regularly and dil rings us too. We all get on well.
If, however, dil didn't like us and/or ds was swayed by dil it might be a different matter.
I also accept that dil will lean towards her mum more. I ask about her mum on the phone and never criticise dil's family, who are all racist, even when dil is telling me how awful they are.
I try hard to be thoughtful, posting letters to dgs and buying new shoes for dgs. I always buy gifts from dil's Amazon wish list for birthday and Christmas. Dh and I give regular pocket money to dgs.
Mostly though I struck lucky because ds married a decent person who wants us to be in her and dgs life. And I have a good son who wouldn't allow us to be excluded.

My advice would be that if everything you do for your dsons comes from a place of love not judgement and is thoughtful but not intrusive then you will be OK.

I love my mil; we just click as people and always have which I’m very lucky about but she’s also very kind and I’ve very much been welcomed into the family by mil and fil. I feel like I’m not just DHs wife but part of the family.
She is incredibly good with our DC and will help in any way she can; she does over step but it helps that DH has a very honest relationship with her so he can tell her that she’s overstepped and she takes it on board. She also listens to what we ask her not to do with the kids and takes it on board; at one point she was bringing a lot of chocolate for DD and we said please not so much and she started bringing fruit and healthy snacks. She also doesn’t act like DH is perfect; if he’s being an arse she’ll tell him.

I think Foghead and I have the same MIL.

It also helps that DH manages her extrovertness v my introvertness. He knows that I need my quiet time, so will fit that in when making plans to see her.

First MIL. Awful relationship. She hated me from day one for 'taking her little boy away from her' -her words. She made my life hell with her her jealousy. Even now she slags me off endlessly to my DC. (That's a while other thread)

My Partners mum is amazing. From day 1 she accepted me and my DC into her family. She is kind and loving. I have spoken to her at length at the difference of my previous MIL experience. She says all she ever wanted for someone to love her son as much as she does. The basis of out relationship is we have mutual respect and an understanding there is space for everyone in her sons life.

I have 2 mother in laws.....my husband was adopted and now has a relationship with his birth mum.

I get on with both of them. His actual mum is older and a bit reclusive, as can be passive aggressive about us and the kids and our choices but I recognise that she lacks confidence and independence. She wasn't always that way. She just sucks at being older. I don't blame her! She's quite isolated where they live too and this last year has been hard. I wouldnt ring her for a chat or anything as we're not close but we spend time together when we visit.

DHs birth mum is much younger (in her late 50s, we're early 40s) she very much has an active social life and doesn't "need" her kids as much as my other mil. She lives near my new job and I'll definitely be popping over for a cuppa while she is still working at home. I would feel more comfortable doing that with her as she is somehow less formal. We're still not what I would call close though, I wouldn't phone her for a chat either. To dh their relationship is like that of a favourite aunt as they've only known each other a few years.

Both are kind and generous people who genuinely care for their grandchildren. Just both a little distant for different reasons. I am close to my own mum, perhaps if I wasn't I'd be more inclined to view them as mother figures.

My kids love them and that makes me happy enough tbh.

My husband is one of three brothers. One is single, two are married with kids/on the way.
MIL doesn’t get on well with SIL, realistically I think this is a combination of poor behaviour from SIL previously and an over sensitivity from MIL in the past.
I get on very well with MIL, and with FIL, and we see them once a week or so. She is kind and loves us very much, but she can be, as above, a little over sensitive and certainly she is very opinionated. Luckily I’m a very forthright sort of person, I tell her when I disagree (in a kind way) and that seems to work, she seems to take it on board and we stay on good terms because she knows what the boundaries are. I’m hoping this will remain so when we have our baby, as that’s where I can see, if anywhere, potential issues.

We live in two different countries, I think that helps :-)

I do like her, I don't think we would have a hugely close relationship if we would live near each other but that's also because my PIL always had pre-Covid a very busy and great social and active life and hobbies.

We can talk about all kind of things, we have similar views on several subjects. I feel comfortable in their house when we stay.

They did an amazing job letting DH go when he started uni, no hovering, letting him make his decisions on his own, support him when necessary and are proud of him.

My MIL gave a speech at our wedding and she said "instead of DH is coming for a visit, it was quickly "the children" are coming for a visit". They just took me in and roll with it.

Does she sometimes annoy me? Sure, I am also certain I annoy her. But nothing serious and normally DH just smooth ruffled feathers.

She lives 10,000km away

Joking aside, she's just very laid back about most things, as am I so neither of us take things personally. Sometimes MIL is so accommodating I have to get SIL to investigate to make sure she doesn't feel put upon. She's engaged with the GC but definitely not overbearing. Just a nice woman, tbh.

I think people get stressed about stuff that doesn't really matter like politics or whether they take their shoes off in the house or give the kids sweets. It all gets a bit territorial.

To add: I don't think "politics don't matter" but I'm not going to fall out with relatives over it.

Because I don't see her often enough for her to grate on me and vice versa

I met my husband at uni and the first time I met my MIL is when she was picking him up for the end of the year. That morning, he’d discovered that someone had stolen the saddle off his bicycle. He kept whinging about it and yes, it’s absolutely annoying but we had more pressing issues, like getting packed up, and I told him so. MIL turned up and DH told her about the saddle, she then saw me and introduced herself, then asked if I’d been giving him lots of sympathy. Without thinking, I laughed and said I’d told him he could whinge about his saddle when everything was done, which sorry would be in the car with her. She laughed and said it was good I wasn’t pandering to him, told him to get over the saddle and to start loading the boxes in the car while she got to know me.

She knows and accepts her son’s faults. She doesn’t pretend he’s faultless and will often tell him to stop being an idiot if he said something stupid. She doesn’t expect me to simper over her son. She knows I care for her son but I’m also not afraid to take the piss out of him if he injures himself in a stupid way. She doesn’t expect me to put my career aside to progress my husband’s. She taught her sons to take responsibility in the house and that it shouldn’t just be down to me.

She’s generous. She’s supportive without being overbearing. I love my mum and get on well with her but my mum doesn’t have that balance. I’m pregnant at the moment and MIL is interested how I am, how I’m feeling but she’s trying to not pester us. So I’m not getting 20 messages a week asking if I’m ok, when my next appointment is, offering me tips for nausea. She will gladly talk about the information that we offer up to her but won’t push for more. She respects our boundaries.

We have some big differences on certain topics. We know the other one is the polar opposite on that topic but we just mention those topics. We can respect that the other has a different opinion and that we don’t need to discuss it. We can still keep our different opinions and it doesn’t affect the rest of the relationship. There’s an unspoken agreement that we just don’t touch on these subjects.

Thanks everyone, it’s lovely to hear some positive stories for some balance. Based on my experience I don’t think MiL/DIL relationships are doomed from the start (although my relationship with MiL is awful!) . It’s clearly to do with the personalities involved (ie everyone being vaguely normal and no one being toxic) and also wanting to like each other. I’m not saying I didn’t want to like MIL, I tried really hard and was really easy going but her demands became impossible once we had our DC and it all went wrong when we stopped giving her her own way.

I have two lovely SILs married to my brothers, I get on really well with both because I want to. If they weren’t married to my brothers I might not even have chosen them as friends but because I want to have a good relationship with them I make the effort and respect them as people etc. I guess it will be the same when I’m a MiL, long way off but it’s good to know.

I have an amazing MIL and I absolutely adore her. We’re quite different people but even so we get on so well and have a happy, close relationship.

I think it helps that she seems genuinely interested in me as a person, and not just as an adjunct to her son. She checks in with me regularly, remembers what’s going on in my life, asks about my job, friends, family etc.

She’s also not one to think her son is a little emperor. She adores him, but doesn’t see it as my job to look after him or put him before myself. She treats us both as cherished individuals with our own needs and wants.

She is just wonderful with my baby. Respectful and doesn’t take over, but loves him so much and offers so much thoughtful, practical help.

She’s just a great person overall - thoughtful, kind, generous, pragmatic, fun. I love her to bits.

Two key points re the bad MIL stories on MN are that 1. as a rule, you come on MN to rant not to tell about the perfectly pleasant day out you had and 2. I'd say that about half of the stories I read on here I find myself on the side of the MIL as the OP sounds ridiculously hard work.

For point 2, there's not much you can do as the MIL.

I have a good enough relationship with MIL. We would not be close if I wasn't married to her son as we are very different people. But we both make an effort to be respectful and kind to each other and we embrace the few things we do have in common because, although we haven't discussed it, we know it's not much! So when she's visiting we always have a day out shopping together as Dh would rather chew off his own arm and SIL likes the idea, but is completely unable to adapt to her mother's preferences. I, on the other hand, am quite happy to potter into the three shops MIL wants to go to and break every 30 minutes for coffee. So we do that together quite happily!

She is absolutely USELESS in terms of helping around the house etc, but again, with a little kindness and respect we navigate that too. So she stays with us and I do all the cooking/cleaning etc as normal but she insists on treating us to takeaways/meals out, will do some of the shopping and so on. She also 100% fits in with what I've got planned and if, for whatever reason, doesn't want to eat something, will just quietly organise her own thing or whatever. So it's fine.

I think being willing to be respectful and compromising is important.