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Original poster

Someone talk me down before I ruin poor DS's birthday :(

99 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 13:56

Fucking, fucking hell.

So background. "D"P has been weirdly distant for a while, he's been really stressed out with work and has been ill, so I just put it down to that, even though it's been building for a while.
We have a DS together nearly 8.
Been together 11 years.
He has also been getting home much, much later from work on a regular basis, without contacting me, and using his job as an excuse, whereas before he'd use any excuse to come home earlier.

So DS birthday is tomorrow, and I've been waiting for argos to have something back in stock, I order it, and it asks for a confirmation code from DP's bank, sent via text.
Fine, get DP's phone with the text, all sorted......then I clicked back.....

His ex (they broke up 12 years ago- I was not the OW, but it was close according to him- now I'm wondering if that was true)...they have been messaging a lot, and he has been calling her and being "free" on breaks when he has claimed not to be able to speak to me about important shit.

I know from his daughters that she has had a really shit time with an abusive boyfriend, and I get that she might might want to talk to someone......BUT....why the actual fucking fuck didn't he tell me??
I wouldn't have gone mental or anything, I would have just checked she was ok, I'm not an irrational person and I get that you might turn to the father of your kids (who are adults by the way) to talk, maybe?

Also he's been weird with his phone, whereas he just used to leave it around, now he carries it everywhere.

Oh and he's been snapping a lot at me, and generally being a bit of a dick.

I suspected something was up but I didn't expect this.

I can't kick off and ruin DS's birthday but equally I'm so fucking angry at him I can't even fucking speak to him right now.

What the actual fuck do I do

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 13:58

Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm just fucking shocked....the day before our son's birthday Sad

OP posts:
GoddessKali · 10/05/2021 14:00

I’m sorry OP, try and hold it together as best you can for your son is all I can suggest Flowers

EmmaGrundyForPM · 10/05/2021 14:04

He's having an affair with her. It might not be physical yet but it is emotional. Otherwise he would have told you.

Hold it together until after DS's birthday and then have an open and honest conversation with your partner.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:04

Also to rub salt in the wound....she's all fucking glamorous and I've been really fucking depressed the last few months cos he's fucking detached and put on a ton of weight and now I'm not the sexy woman he got with but fucking hell I don't deserve this.

Arrggghh

So much angry feminist shit going round my head....

He always claimed he loved me for my non conforming feminist attitude, but I'm thinking that was fine while I was an angry skinny feminist in baggy jeans, but now I'm the other side of breastfeeding and all that shit, and put on weight, an angry feminist who's fat just isn't the fucking same.

His ex is the total opposite of me.

Ahhh....more rambling, just getting it down.

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:08

@EmmaGrundyForPM

He's having an affair with her. It might not be physical yet but it is emotional. Otherwise he would have told you.

Hold it together until after DS's birthday and then have an open and honest conversation with your partner.

This is my fear, and I guess it serves me right if it turns out he was cheating on me with me her??

Karma??
I'm soooo fucking angry and soon I need to be normal for friends, and not ruin DS birthday.

Why does this shit always come up at the worst possible fucking time??

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:09

*Meant cheating on her at the beginning of our relationship if that makes sense??

OP posts:
RestUp · 10/05/2021 14:17

I can't blame you for being angry, I bloody well would be. Coming home late is very suspicious !

You just need to get tomorrow over with. Breath, focus on your son and then confront him.

TaraR2020 · 10/05/2021 14:19

Take some deep breaths (or whatever you need to do to reign in your emotions) because you're not going to lose your shit on your son's birthday.

Rant away here, call a trusted friend and swear exactly what you'd like to do him and then bring in that iron self control.

Confront him post birthday, by which point you should be clear what questions you need to ask and how you're going to approach it to ensure you get an honest reply.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:20

My head is all over the fucking place tbh.

Why not just tell me??

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 10/05/2021 14:23

Because he knows he's in the wrong (and he might have minimised it to himself) and because he's a coward.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:29

@TaraR2020

Because he knows he's in the wrong (and he might have minimised it to himself) and because he's a coward.
I know this. And I would say the same to anyone else TBF.

I can't ruin DS birthday but I don't know if I can go that long.

OP posts:
Mydarlingmyhamburger · 10/05/2021 14:32

What’s the content of the messages?

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:33

@RestUp

I can't blame you for being angry, I bloody well would be. Coming home late is very suspicious !

You just need to get tomorrow over with. Breath, focus on your son and then confront him.

Thank you.

Part of me is worried I'm being irrational, and it's innocent....but FFS it can't be if he didn't tell me can it?

OP posts:
Enough4me · 10/05/2021 14:36

Get through your DS birthday, see if he can stay at Grandparents the next night (if in a bubble) and have it out with him.

Sorry it really does not sound good!

1forAll74 · 10/05/2021 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:37

@Mydarlingmyhamburger

What’s the content of the messages?
Stupidly didn't take screenshots.

Didn't have the phone for long enough...but I remembered a date where he was really late home and checked against my phone and it was one of the days I was trying to get hold of him at 9pm and he wouldn't answer.

OP posts:
Oncemoretwicemore · 10/05/2021 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. We've removed this comment as it quotes a previously deleted post.

burritofan · 10/05/2021 14:38

Perhaps he does't like your foul language anymore, do you speak like this in front of your child.? I wouldn't like to come home to hear a nasty tirade like this.
Don’t be fucking stupid.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:38

@1forAll74

Perhaps he does't like your foul language anymore, do you speak like this in front of your child.? I wouldn't like to come home to hear a nasty tirade like this.
Ummm I swear on Mumsnet away from my kid....it's one of the joys of this site??

That was uncalled for surely??
Talk about kick someone when they are down.

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:40

Oh and the messages were all "can I speak to you" back and forth on various dates...so guessing the actual"conversation" was all over the phone.

OP posts:
badatcrochet1996 · 10/05/2021 14:40

That's really shit. Sorry op.

Can you hold it together for a while? Act normal and do some quick digging?

SomethingWycked · 10/05/2021 14:40

Your DS is yours forever, your 'P' doesn't have to be.

Reign in the anger for your son, do it for him, deal with 'P' after.

You got this.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:42

@Enough4me

Get through your DS birthday, see if he can stay at Grandparents the next night (if in a bubble) and have it out with him.

Sorry it really does not sound good!

Sadly only grandparent he could stay with lives with us!

Don't know how to approach this tbh.

OP posts:
Spectrumofhumanlife · 10/05/2021 14:43

@1forAll74

Perhaps he does't like your foul language anymore, do you speak like this in front of your child.? I wouldn't like to come home to hear a nasty tirade like this.
Let’s hope your partner continues to like your judgemental, sanctimonious attitude eh? I wouldn’t want to come home to that.
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:43

@SomethingWycked

Your DS is yours forever, your 'P' doesn't have to be.

Reign in the anger for your son, do it for him, deal with 'P' after.

You got this.

Thank you. I know I have to.

I know I can't spoil DS birthday, but it's soo fucking hard to keep it in.

OP posts: