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Original poster

Someone talk me down before I ruin poor DS's birthday :(

99 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 13:56

Fucking, fucking hell.

So background. "D"P has been weirdly distant for a while, he's been really stressed out with work and has been ill, so I just put it down to that, even though it's been building for a while.
We have a DS together nearly 8.
Been together 11 years.
He has also been getting home much, much later from work on a regular basis, without contacting me, and using his job as an excuse, whereas before he'd use any excuse to come home earlier.

So DS birthday is tomorrow, and I've been waiting for argos to have something back in stock, I order it, and it asks for a confirmation code from DP's bank, sent via text.
Fine, get DP's phone with the text, all sorted......then I clicked back.....

His ex (they broke up 12 years ago- I was not the OW, but it was close according to him- now I'm wondering if that was true)...they have been messaging a lot, and he has been calling her and being "free" on breaks when he has claimed not to be able to speak to me about important shit.

I know from his daughters that she has had a really shit time with an abusive boyfriend, and I get that she might might want to talk to someone......BUT....why the actual fucking fuck didn't he tell me??
I wouldn't have gone mental or anything, I would have just checked she was ok, I'm not an irrational person and I get that you might turn to the father of your kids (who are adults by the way) to talk, maybe?

Also he's been weird with his phone, whereas he just used to leave it around, now he carries it everywhere.

Oh and he's been snapping a lot at me, and generally being a bit of a dick.

I suspected something was up but I didn't expect this.

I can't kick off and ruin DS's birthday but equally I'm so fucking angry at him I can't even fucking speak to him right now.

What the actual fuck do I do

OP posts:

TaraR2020 · 10/05/2021 17:03

@Egghead81 I get what you're saying, but a single shot to help someone get a grip on turbulent emotions is not the same as drinking in anger, which I wouldn't encourage.

BigFatLiar · 10/05/2021 17:08

Has his relationship with her been good up till now? Are they remained friends?

If they have could he have been talking to her about her problems and not said anything to you in case you went ballistic?

youngandbroken · 10/05/2021 17:14

Have you got any plans for your DS's birthday OP? Throw yourself and all your energy into whatever you have lined up for him and making his day as special as possible. Have a drink if it will help calm you down just don't let yourself get too drunk (hangover/bad decision making are both good reasons for that) and then when Wednesday comes think about whether or not you can either find more evidence, or simply have a discussion about what's going on - frankly if he has been moody and off with you lately anyway I think that is more than enough reason to tell him you need to talk. IT MIGHT not be that he is having an affair, but you obviously have your suspicions (and I think most people would in your situation) and either way you deserve the truth. I hope you and your son have a really good day tomorrow OP.

Interested in this thread?

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Relationship problems

toocold54 · 10/05/2021 17:19

Not read everyone else’s replies but definitely hold off not only for your DS birthday but also so you can get some more evidence. If you confront him now he’ll simply say they were just talking about her break up or something which is fine but you need to know if there’s anything more going on.
Try and be as normal as possible, maybe say you have a bad headache if you seem off and then think of ways to catch him out.

BigFatLiar · 10/05/2021 17:24

Maybe it is an affair or perhaps...

Perhaps he thinks this isn't how it would play out?

KurtWilde · 10/05/2021 17:31

The point is OP wouldn't have gone ballistic if he'd been upfront, she says that in her posts. It's the secrecy. If it's innocent, and we can assume he knows OP wouldn't have an issue with it, why the cloak and dagger?

FredtheCatsMum · 10/05/2021 17:33

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

*Meant cheating on her at the beginning of our relationship if that makes sense??

No, its not your fault and you deserve no karma if he cheated on her at the beginning of your relationship.

He cheated, then lied to you. Any karma is his, and his alone.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 10/05/2021 17:59

@InTheNightWeWillWish

OP you need to exercise your ‘foul’ language vocabulary. Try every fucking piece of foul language on that fucker. See what fits him best. Don’t be afraid to put two seemingly illogical bits of foul language to get the perfect mix for how you’re feeling and how fucking betrayed you are. Fucking cockwomble is one of my favourites, try it out, you might feel something else fits him though: But please let us know what the best descriptor for him is. Everyone will be very happy to hear what you come up with, especially PP.

On a serious note, get your anger out. If that’s by calling him every name under the sun, then so be it. Maybe it’s calling a friend and ranting on the phone to her. Maybe it’s shrinking all his boxers in the washing machine. Nothing too obvious at the moment but definitely something passive aggressive to help with the anger. Get the anger out before he comes home. You don’t have to act normal but just fob it off that you’re tired doing preparations for your son’s birthday. Collect evidence. If you need to stay on top of the anger, plan your reveal. Maybe a barber shop quarter at his work? Although that might not be very covid secure Get through tomorrow for your son. Then, when you decide, hand him his arse on a plate. You’re in control of this shitty situation. You hold the cards.

How about wankbadger? Cuntweasel? Two of my faves

BigFatLiar · 10/05/2021 18:48

@KurtWilde

Perhaps he doesn't believe OP wouldn't have an issue.

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 10/05/2021 19:31

Oh you poor soul. I agree that he’d definitely have told you if he was innocently chatting to her about their children, some problems she’s having etc. When you add in the fact he’s acting differently and coming home late, I’d definitely say it screams affair.

Try your hardest to keep it together tomorrow for your DS then confront him the following day. What a tosser.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 10/05/2021 19:42

How about wankbadger? Cuntweasel? Two of my faves

Excellent choices. Maybe we could start a list for OP and she could use them all on him?

BigFatLiar · 10/05/2021 20:06

As an aside...

she's all fucking glamorous and I've been really fucking depressed the last few months cos he's fucking detached and put on a ton of weight and now I'm not the sexy woman he got with

She may be glamorous but she's his ex and I suspect was just as glamorous when they split.
Could his attitude be a rub off from you're negativity? He married you so I suspect doesn't think you're repulsive. If you're 'fucking depressed' it's not a great aphrodisiac, just read the posts from all the women who have OH's who're down. generally the tone is ditch them life's too short.
If his daughters feel able to confide in you you must have a pretty good relationship with them. I doubt your H and his ex could hide any relationship from them and I doubt that they in turn could hide it from you.

You do really need to talk to him as you don't trust him, maybe he feels this and is trying to figure out if its worth staying.

Calmdown14 · 10/05/2021 20:14

It could be that she's ill, had a cancer diagnosis or such like and they are working out how to tell the kids.
I'd not put it top of the list of likely reasons but there are other possibilities and if they help you get through the next day I'd consider that there may be some reasonable explanations before you explode..... because if it was one of these and you blow up on your son's birthday you'd feel doubly terrible.
Plaster on the big smile and take out your vengeance in unnoticeable ways like putting salt in his coffee!

Evidencebased · 10/05/2021 20:42

Apologies for posting without having read the whole thread.

My exDH is a complete emotional coward. We've remained fairly friendly, and I have sometimes chewed over DC stuff, his elderly parents stuff (I'm still pretty involved in their lives), and more.
But, his idea is, my partner is uncomfortable with this, so I'll never mention it to her.
Always goes wrong- he gave me a lift when my car broke down, inevitably someone saw us and told her. He should have told her himself, but, he's a coward who thinks, say nothing and no one gets upset.Which, of course, leaves his partner feeling hurt and suspicious.

I left him yonks ago. He's a friend, but I honestly wouldn't get back together/ have an affair if we were the only two people left on Earth.

Is there any chance your DH is simply as well meaning but emotionally stupid as my ex?

Imreaaaaady · 10/05/2021 20:42

@BigFatLiar

As an aside...

she's all fucking glamorous and I've been really fucking depressed the last few months cos he's fucking detached and put on a ton of weight and now I'm not the sexy woman he got with

You do really need to talk to him as you don't trust him, maybe he feels this and is trying to figure out if its worth staying.

This message reads horribly. Why beat around the bush? Why not just tell OP that her depression has made her DP cheat?

Totally unsupportive and a load of bullshit to boot.

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/05/2021 21:24

@BigFatLiar what a shitty post. I'm assuming you have been in this situation. It's not OPs fault in any manner (from what I know so far) you are basically suggesting she led him to be unfaithful. Ffs

Carbara · 11/05/2021 00:20

Do you own the place you’re living in, or have any protections? Living with a boyfriend is pretty precarious in most cases, if he is shagging his ex, is it his house you’re in?

Dasher789 · 11/05/2021 01:00

Hope you are okay op

Whatsthescoop · 11/05/2021 01:13

Hold up, It doesn't look great admittedly but there could be a whole host of things going on. Maybe it's something with one of their kids, yes they are grown up but that doesn't stop you being a parent. Maybe it's something with her illness etc. Put a pin in it for now, your Ds will have a fabulous birthday. Then sit calmly and tell your partner want you know & go from there. Whatever happens you WILL be OK.

GreyStairs · 11/05/2021 10:52

Happy birthday to your DS OP.

To all those saying it’s just messages, the OP has said he’s distanced himself and he has been coming home late every day which is unusual and the kids are fully grown independent adults. So to me that would mean affair until proven otherwise.

@1forAll74 I choose MN as I can fucking swear, try Nethuns where it’s banned. Venting and swearing on here helps so many people hold it together in real life.

OP, of I had a friend give me advise to crack on and shove it down and compartmentalise and not come on here to vent it wouldn’t consider them very supportive. Yes get through your sons birthday but I would literally explode and ruins everyone’s day if I didn’t vent to someone, fake internet people or not.

Egghead81 · 11/05/2021 13:30

@BigFatLiar

Makes some valid points. Whilst not worded gently, and the situation does warrant being gentle to the OP, the content is worth considering.

Unless the ex has suddenly become glamorous and the step children are hiding this from the OP....

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 11/05/2021 13:47

What’s happening op?

magicwand1 · 11/05/2021 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DriftingTurtles · 11/05/2021 19:30

@RozHuntleysLeftHand I hope your son has had a good birthday x

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