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Original poster

Someone talk me down before I ruin poor DS's birthday :(

99 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 13:56

Fucking, fucking hell.

So background. "D"P has been weirdly distant for a while, he's been really stressed out with work and has been ill, so I just put it down to that, even though it's been building for a while.
We have a DS together nearly 8.
Been together 11 years.
He has also been getting home much, much later from work on a regular basis, without contacting me, and using his job as an excuse, whereas before he'd use any excuse to come home earlier.

So DS birthday is tomorrow, and I've been waiting for argos to have something back in stock, I order it, and it asks for a confirmation code from DP's bank, sent via text.
Fine, get DP's phone with the text, all sorted......then I clicked back.....

His ex (they broke up 12 years ago- I was not the OW, but it was close according to him- now I'm wondering if that was true)...they have been messaging a lot, and he has been calling her and being "free" on breaks when he has claimed not to be able to speak to me about important shit.

I know from his daughters that she has had a really shit time with an abusive boyfriend, and I get that she might might want to talk to someone......BUT....why the actual fucking fuck didn't he tell me??
I wouldn't have gone mental or anything, I would have just checked she was ok, I'm not an irrational person and I get that you might turn to the father of your kids (who are adults by the way) to talk, maybe?

Also he's been weird with his phone, whereas he just used to leave it around, now he carries it everywhere.

Oh and he's been snapping a lot at me, and generally being a bit of a dick.

I suspected something was up but I didn't expect this.

I can't kick off and ruin DS's birthday but equally I'm so fucking angry at him I can't even fucking speak to him right now.

What the actual fuck do I do

OP posts:
ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/05/2021 14:44

Hmm doesn't sound good OP. But I do think you need to take a deep breath to get through tomorrow. It will also give yourself sometime to come up with how you want to confront him. Don't you remember the context of what they were discussing?

Iyland · 10/05/2021 14:44

1forAll74

Pipe down love. We're all grown ups if she wants to punctuate every sentence with fuck to stop her blowing the fuck up at her husband on her sons birthday then I think she should crack on.

You don't need to read/comment, just move on by if it offends you so much.

OP this is awful but try and get through today and then tear a strip off him once the kids are in bed. Have you checked through enough messages to be certain if they are meeting up?

I wouldn't ever play your cards too soon because all the messages with disappear. Always get your shit together first, you don't want him wriggling out of this because you didn't delve enough to get proof first.

ItsAllBlahBlahBlah · 10/05/2021 14:45

Also agree with PP that you need clear evidence of what they've been discussing because the minute you tell him you know he will delete everything

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Relationship problems
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:48

God I was soo smug thinking I'd never have to post one of these.

I'm screaming internally but I have to go pick up presents still, wrap them, prep balloons, and I'm just so sad and disappointed.

OP posts:
HelloOldSport · 10/05/2021 14:52

@1forAll74

Perhaps he does't like your foul language anymore, do you speak like this in front of your child.? I wouldn't like to come home to hear a nasty tirade like this.
F* off.

I would have written out, but knowing MN, they'll delete the comment.

IvysPoison · 10/05/2021 14:52

@1forAll74

Perhaps he does't like your foul language anymore, do you speak like this in front of your child.? I wouldn't like to come home to hear a nasty tirade like this.
Really? A totally unnecessary and uncalled for comment. Do you honestly believe it is ok to cheat on someone and betray their trust because they swear?
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 14:53

@ItsAllBlahBlahBlah

Hmm doesn't sound good OP. But I do think you need to take a deep breath to get through tomorrow. It will also give yourself sometime to come up with how you want to confront him. Don't you remember the context of what they were discussing?
It was basically "can you call me" between each other. But written in such a way that implied they had been speaking for a while and called each other regularly if that makes sense??

But the "kids" are very, very grown up, and speak to "D"p independently so I just can't see what they need to speak about so often.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 10/05/2021 14:56

Also agree with PP that you need clear evidence of what they've been discussing because the minute you tell him you know he will delete everything

This is really important.

When I confronted an ex I didnt tell him everything I knew upfront,I raised the cheating, kept calm and let him talk himself in circles. Once he realised I wasn't shouting, he stayed calm too and attempted to give pathetic excuses that I easily disapproved. Only once the truth was aired did I give voice to my feelings.

Get your ducks in a row, love.

Also, this may still be something you can recover from. You don't know yet the extent of what he's kept from you.

user1471538283 · 10/05/2021 14:57

Get through your DSs birthday and get as much information as you can together. You are going to need to be swift as he may be in guilty mode and promise you the world if you break up. But trust me, this phase does not last.

If you do want to try and stay together he needs to put his money where his mouth is and stop all contact with her except about the adult children (which wouldn't be that much). He also needs to make it up to you and resolve things for you both to move on.

I personally would leave him to it.

What a horrid time for you.

DriftingTurtles · 10/05/2021 15:02

Ergh what a dick,
For you 💐 x

InTheNightWeWillWish · 10/05/2021 15:04

OP you need to exercise your ‘foul’ language vocabulary. Try every fucking piece of foul language on that fucker. See what fits him best. Don’t be afraid to put two seemingly illogical bits of foul language to get the perfect mix for how you’re feeling and how fucking betrayed you are. Fucking cockwomble is one of my favourites, try it out, you might feel something else fits him though: But please let us know what the best descriptor for him is. Everyone will be very happy to hear what you come up with, especially PP.

On a serious note, get your anger out. If that’s by calling him every name under the sun, then so be it. Maybe it’s calling a friend and ranting on the phone to her. Maybe it’s shrinking all his boxers in the washing machine. Nothing too obvious at the moment but definitely something passive aggressive to help with the anger. Get the anger out before he comes home. You don’t have to act normal but just fob it off that you’re tired doing preparations for your son’s birthday. Collect evidence. If you need to stay on top of the anger, plan your reveal. Maybe a barber shop quarter at his work? Although that might not be very covid secure Hmm Get through tomorrow for your son. Then, when you decide, hand him his arse on a plate. You’re in control of this shitty situation. You hold the cards.

Egghead81 · 10/05/2021 15:06

Get off mymsnet
Hide this thread
Get through tomorrow
And then come back on Wednesday.
That’s what I’d do.
This thread is not going to help in the immediate term.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 15:06

Thanks @MNHQ for deleting that shitty comment Flowers

I like being able to let it out and swear here and I really did not fucking need that kicking.

I've text a friend, who is at work but will speak to me later.

I can't get any proof, it's too late....I gave the phone back...and I suspect my "aura" (sorry- couldn't think of a less wanky word!) has probably let him know.

Am hiding in bedroom taking some deep breaths and trying to go back to normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 15:08

Is it too early for a shot of freezer vodka??!!

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 10/05/2021 15:09

Agree with PPs - I would echo advice to

  1. Stay calm
  2. Find out as much as you can before bringing it up - you don't want to accuse him based on a knee-jerk emotional reaction, and also if there IS something going on you don't want to give him time to wriggle out of it and come up with excuses

Also, and I realise this is easier said than done, but try to remember that you are not obliged to do ANYTHING yet. If you don't want to talk about it until you know more, or feel calmer, or whatever you need, you don't have to.

starfish4 · 10/05/2021 15:12

It won't be easy, but as said try and hold it together, at least in front of your DS. If you're too upset to speak to DH without him realising there's something seriously wrong, I'd tell him you're not feeling great, go to bed or out for fresh air (maybe meet a friend later and let him wonder where you are). It'll give you a bit of time to think about how you want to handle this.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 15:13

Tbh I just want to fucking rant on here because if I don't I will fucking snap irl.

Thank you for the calming messages Flowers

I've got to go do normal things now but will be back soon to rant some more because I absolutely CANNOT ruin poor DS birthday...it's not his fault.

OP posts:
TedHastingsweeDonkey · 10/05/2021 15:14

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Is it too early for a shot of freezer vodka??!!
Absolutely not too early. It's passed 12pm so you are good to go! So sorry for what you are having to go through OP Wine

Are you actually both at home atm?

babbaloushka · 10/05/2021 15:14

What an arsehole. Give your DS the best birthday possible and then tear P a new one.

SeaToSki · 10/05/2021 15:14

So dont jump to conclusions, but dont be a doormat

Save the conversation for after the party, maybe have DS and Grandparent have a dinner and a movie in the sitting room while you and DP go for a walk (and talk). Start by asking him..genuinely ask him why he is chatting with the ex so much recently and why he has been so distant with you and DS

A trick I use to keep myself calm when I just want to cry angry frustrated tears is to put a lullaby on repeat in my head. It takes me back to middle of the night feedings when I was so tired I could sleep/cry but had to calmly sooth a cranky baby. Its effective for me, might help you

TaraR2020 · 10/05/2021 15:19

We're here for your ranting, @RozHuntleysLeftHand

A shot sounds like a good idea :)

MissDolittle15 · 10/05/2021 15:24

I'm so sorry OP. What an awful thing to have to sit on, but I think previous posters are right; get your ducks in a row before you confront him.

Egghead81 · 10/05/2021 15:24

@TaraR2020

We're here for your ranting, *@RozHuntleysLeftHand*

A shot sounds like a good idea :)

This is kind of what I mean. And I mean no offence.

It’s really easy on an anonymous forum to say yeah have a shot of vodka, because that is going to help.

When alcohol plus anger are actually pretty toxic

In RL I’d be saying to my friend “ok love, compartmentalise, box it up, shove it down and we won’t talk about it until after DS birthday and then.... we talk tactics re how and when you’ll approach him”.

Original poster
RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 15:26

Thank you for the support.

I love the vipers.

I have to bugger off and pretend to be normal for a while but will be back later to rant some more.

And I had a cheeky shot cos well....why fucking not??

OP posts:
LadyOfLittleLeisure · 10/05/2021 15:35

I'm not saying I wouldn't be extremely hurt by this (I would) and it definitely sounds suspicious, but have I read correctly that there is no proof he's actually had an affair (emotional or otherwise)? It could be anything - a sensitive issue with one of his adult children, him being a bit weak and having his ego stroked (not great, but not quite an affair), anything really. Personally, I'd ask him. I feel like you'd get a gut instinct if he lies. Good luck whatever you do.

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