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Original poster

Someone talk me down before I ruin poor DS's birthday :(

99 replies

RozHuntleysLeftHand · 10/05/2021 13:56

Fucking, fucking hell.

So background. "D"P has been weirdly distant for a while, he's been really stressed out with work and has been ill, so I just put it down to that, even though it's been building for a while.
We have a DS together nearly 8.
Been together 11 years.
He has also been getting home much, much later from work on a regular basis, without contacting me, and using his job as an excuse, whereas before he'd use any excuse to come home earlier.

So DS birthday is tomorrow, and I've been waiting for argos to have something back in stock, I order it, and it asks for a confirmation code from DP's bank, sent via text.
Fine, get DP's phone with the text, all sorted......then I clicked back.....

His ex (they broke up 12 years ago- I was not the OW, but it was close according to him- now I'm wondering if that was true)...they have been messaging a lot, and he has been calling her and being "free" on breaks when he has claimed not to be able to speak to me about important shit.

I know from his daughters that she has had a really shit time with an abusive boyfriend, and I get that she might might want to talk to someone......BUT....why the actual fucking fuck didn't he tell me??
I wouldn't have gone mental or anything, I would have just checked she was ok, I'm not an irrational person and I get that you might turn to the father of your kids (who are adults by the way) to talk, maybe?

Also he's been weird with his phone, whereas he just used to leave it around, now he carries it everywhere.

Oh and he's been snapping a lot at me, and generally being a bit of a dick.

I suspected something was up but I didn't expect this.

I can't kick off and ruin DS's birthday but equally I'm so fucking angry at him I can't even fucking speak to him right now.

What the actual fuck do I do

OP posts:

Youarecountingonme · 10/05/2021 15:38

Your child is more important right now op. Get yourself together and slow down your breathing. Just take a breath. You don't know anything for sure, so just chill. Prepare for your child's birthday and put everything to one side just for 24 hours.

Even in the worse case scenario, even more so, it is important to keep calm so you can think clearly and rationally. Don't disable your ability to respond and think things through with too much stress and emotion.

Your dc will pick up on non verbal clues, so you need to focus entirely on ds now. You will be okay op.

Youarecountingonme · 10/05/2021 15:39

My friend had a situation like this and it turned out that the ex was ill, very ill, so just hold off until you have all of the facts.

Jobseeker19 · 10/05/2021 15:44

I feel like the messages saying, can you talk now? Can I phone you?, is suspicious.

This is because she must know that there are times where you are together and cannot phone him.

To message like that means some planning to hide it on both sides has taken place.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems

KurtWilde · 10/05/2021 15:48

Sounds to me like she messages during a time she knows you won't be on the scene. Sorry OP. You CAN and WILL get through your DS' birthday. And rant as much as you like here if it means you hold it together irl.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/05/2021 15:48

@Youarecountingonme

My friend had a situation like this and it turned out that the ex was ill, very ill, so just hold off until you have all of the facts.

That's all well and good but why couldn't the OP's DP be up front about it with her if that is the case?? Like say something like "I've just heard that X is very unwell at the moment. I'm not sure how ill she is but I wanted you to know". You're not divulging any medical details just that she isn't well. Also keeps things all above board and nobody is hiding anything.

Cookies2523 · 10/05/2021 15:52

💐💐

HollowTalk · 10/05/2021 15:57

One in a million exes might be ill. There's no reason why the OP's partner wouldn't have told her if that was the case.

UpTheJunktion · 10/05/2021 16:03

I wouldn’t wait.

I would make sure I had a good long time with DS out of earshot and say “it all came up on your phone when I was getting the Argos code. You need to tell me everything about what is going on with xx. You have one chance to get this right: do not minimise or lie.”

I don’t think pretending everything is ok will be any easier than havjng the conversation.

katy1213 · 10/05/2021 16:06

He's done what exactly ... a few phone calls to the mother of his children?
Without your express permission?
By all means let a horde of strangers goad you into LTB.

Fcuk38 · 10/05/2021 16:07

Go talk to him rather than letting Mumsnet wind you up into a frenzy.

MyGrassIsBrowner · 10/05/2021 16:08

What a fucking piece of shit. So sorry OP. Sending hugs 💐

Pyewackect · 10/05/2021 16:11

@Fcuk38

Go talk to him rather than letting Mumsnet wind you up into a frenzy.

Exactly.

oreo2020 · 10/05/2021 16:20

OP try and relax. Knowledge is power!! (however hurtful) Now you that know of what is likely an affair, you can think, decide, make yourself feel better, focus on your needs! You have the power - embrace it! Celebrate your son's birthday! Laugh at your weak partner in your mind if you want. You are the winner because now you know and you can act whatever suits you.

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/05/2021 16:25

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

I don't know if this is any help, or the right thing to do, but I know if I was you I'd have to say something tonight. I couldn't bottle it up. That way, whatever the outcome, at least I'd know what I was up against, if anything. I would find not knowing far harder.

Anotheruser02 · 10/05/2021 16:25

@UpTheJunktion

I wouldn’t wait.

I don’t think pretending everything is ok will be any easier than havjng the conversation.

This sounds sensible.

Hold an open mind and speak to him calmly....UNTIL he gets defensive, if he gets defensive, refuses to let you see proof of anything or tries to gaslight you then that's as good as a confession but on the off chance it's something innocent you could actually enjoy your Son's birthday instead of carrying a knot in your stomach.

I'm surprised at all of the people saying get proof, I think it's very sound advice when you see on here people say you don't need evidence to leave someone, it's enough to know that you know, you're not putting someone in prison here, confessions and evidence are not needed to end it with someone who you know is checking out and more invested in someone else.

CutieBear · 10/05/2021 16:26

Your DS is 8 so he will sense your emotions no matter how hard you try to mask them. Can someone watch your DS for a while today whilst you speaking to your partner? You’ll only feel worse if you try to bottle this up and you don’t want to burst on your DS’s birthday.

StormcloakNord · 10/05/2021 16:27

He's a cunt.

Have a shot or 5.

Come back here and fuck/shit/wanker/prick/twat all you want.

TatteredOwls · 10/05/2021 16:31

I don't understand this.

As things stand, there's been some messages on which they agree to chat.
I'd be keeping a cooler head before going off at the deep end right now.

minniemomo · 10/05/2021 16:36

I have no idea of your personal situation but I still talk to exh about the kids. Just because they are over 18 doesn't mean responsibility stops

apalledandshocked · 10/05/2021 16:43

@RozHuntleysLeftHand

Is it too early for a shot of freezer vodka??!!

No, but so long as its ONE shot of freezer vodka not half the bottle (alcohol+anger will lead to decisions that seem good at the time but arent). Cathartic as it may be to do a lemonade on his car, it won't help your son. So I would say single shot of vodka, long soak in the bath if you have time or whatever relaxes you and deal with it after your sons birthday.

lockdownalli · 10/05/2021 16:47

So sorry OP

I am full of admiration for you. Just try to hold it together until after the party, then let him know exactly what you think of him.

Utter arsehole!

crazymicrowave123 · 10/05/2021 16:48

@Jobseeker19

I feel like the messages saying, can you talk now? Can I phone you?, is suspicious.

This is because she must know that there are times where you are together and cannot phone him.

To message like that means some planning to hide it on both sides has taken place.

This 100%.

Docsmix · 10/05/2021 16:50

What a prick.

AmyDudley · 10/05/2021 16:53

You poor thing (I've been on the receiving end of this and it is so unbelievably hurtful)
My advice (coming from someone who probably did everything wrong !) is hold it together for your boy's birthday tomorrow, concentrate on present wrapping balloons etc. keep conversations with your DP to minimal but civilised interactions. Hopefully your son won't know anything is up. Get through it by counting off the hours/ half hours or whatever you need to get through the day.

Then give yourself time to think what you want to do. Obviously talk ask him what is going on. If it was innocent - there would be no need to hide it, he could have openly told you.

Expect him to lie. It might be complete untruths or it might be lying by ommission. If you want to work things out with him he needs to be totally honest and he needs to know that if anything comes to light further down the line that he has failed to tell you about then he's blown it.

Of course he may say he wants to be with her, don't let him start trying to blame you. If he is having an affair it's not because you are too fat or too feminist or too anything, it's because he is a total shit. Expect nastiness if he goes on the defensive, ignore it and don'

t let it detract from the facts of what he has done.

Use your anger to get some control over the situation for yourself, decide what you want to do and have a clear idea of what you will or won't accept. You don't have to decide this minute or this week or whatever, so don't let him badger you into making moves you haven't yet decided on. He's had plenty of time to think about what he is doing, you are entitled to just as much time to decide what you want to do.
And if you need it get him to give you space, you really don't need him hanging around while you are making important decisions.

Good luck - I hope you get some sort of closure or clarity soon, it is an utterly shit situation to be in :(

SunshineCake · 10/05/2021 16:54

Could you get the phone again? Offer him time away, pub, friend visit, long bath? Something that gives you time so you can take photos on your phone.

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