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Original poster

Daughter’s skin, what can I do? How do I discuss it without looking like I’m criticising?

114 replies

Watermelon222 · 09/05/2021 11:52

Dd16 has pretty bad acne on face and neck and some on back and chest.

We have tried most of the cream treatments, which helped initially, but less so now. She is currently on antibiotic tablets, which I would say are not doing much.

She always seems to get large ones on her face and neck which are very red and inflamed looking. Obviously this is not pleasant for a teen girl.

I am treading on egg shells trying to discuss this with her as I understand it’s a tricky topic. She doesn’t like to speak about it and gets defensive if I bring it up. It must bother her, hence the reaction to me mentioning it, but I can’t do anything about it on my own.

A few months ago the gp mentioned trying the contraceptive pill if 5he antibiotics don’t work but dd is dead against this because of “side effects “.

I feel for her that all of her friends have clear complexions, and if dd tries to put makeup on it gets clogged up around the spots, or looks too heavy or just slides off. I imagine this really bothers her, but I really struggle to address this as she gets very defensive. She tends to not bother with any makeup most of the time, but her face looks very blotchy and inflamed.

It is really starting to become a blight, especially wanting to wear summery clothes but not being able to. And also affecting her self esteem and confidence.

Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions?

OP posts:

baldafrique · 09/05/2021 11:53

Would she be receptive to the idea of a private dermatology appointment? They can prescribe Isotretinoin. You could offer her the appointment and she can only say yes or no I guess.

picturesandpickles · 09/05/2021 11:55

Hi, in your message it is hard to understand whether this is bothering you or your daughter more.

If your daughter doesn't want to deal with this any more than she is doing, would this matter to her health or long term future?

I know you only want the best for her but maybe she would be happier ignoring it and thinking about other things?

AmberRoseGold · 09/05/2021 11:56

It is truly shit, I had nightmare teen skin. I would look at Caroline Hirons website -there is an acne cheat sheet- and think about making her skin stronger and more resilient.
Also look at her digestion, buy probiotics, vitamins for the whole family.
Maybe talk about what her worries around the pill are, antibiotics also a disruptive thing to take so maybe she has misconceptions about impact of pill.
And probably avoid doing what my Ma used to, which was to wince and ask what I thought I was doing wrong to have such spots.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Children's health General health Skin conditions

chipsandpeas · 09/05/2021 11:57

does it actually bother her

DonLewis · 09/05/2021 11:58

Tricky if she doesn't want to talk about it.

My 16 yo son has suffered similarly. The antibiotics did help, but took some time. How long has she been on them?

What's her skincare routine like?

We've found the la Roche posay effaclar cleanser really good (and we've tried loads)

And he likes an exfoliating face wash.

Clean pillowcase help and a strict twice a day cleanse and at least once a day face was helps. Any more and his skin reacts.

One option would be to offer to splash some cash. Make it fun. Hey, I know you hate talking about it, but I've decided to allocate a budget for helping you. What do you think? Posh products, a dermatologist? And see what she says?

Evenstar · 09/05/2021 11:59

Please get this looked into further by your GP, my daughter’s dreadful acne turned out to be a symptom of PCOS which was not diagnosed until several years later when she had gained huge amounts of weight which she is still struggling with at nearly 30.

DD did have antibiotics but she and I both felt that the improvement wasn’t enough to justify staying on them. Just be led by her, don’t talk about the cosmetic aspect unless she raises it, you can only be supportive as sadly she will be very touchy about it.

romdowa · 09/05/2021 12:00

I actually found progesterone based contraceptive made my cyctic acne worse. The biggest risk with bad acne is scarring of the skin. Mine was quite bad and my back is very badly scarred but thankfully not my face. Maybe pointing out the consequences of not treating it might motivate her a bit more to engage?

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 12:01

She doesn’t like to speak about it and gets defensive if I bring it up.

Leave her the fuck alone then.

Bagelsandbrie · 09/05/2021 12:02

Definitely suggest she goes back to the GP for a referral to dermatology. My dd now aged 18 suffered terribly and the only thing that worked was roaccutane. It was amazing. Yes there are side effects but there are with everything and she didn’t actually get any of them that badly. It has literally changed her life. It’s difficult if your dd isn’t receptive to talking about the idea but you can quietly say to her you’re worried it’s affecting her confidence and there are so many positive stories out there of people who have had success with medication maybe try sharing some of those?

Hothammock · 09/05/2021 12:03

I had acne as a teen and my mum approached it as a medical condition. If you treat the subject in that way it takes away the taboo and means it less of a comment on appearance etc. This makes it more comfortable to deal with.
As a mother you wouldn't let another medical condition rumble along without doing something about it, you would confidently be making doctors appointments and pressing for the right treatment. So don't feel shy about this and keep helping her to try out treatments until you both find something that works for her.

Calmyertits · 09/05/2021 12:04

Would a tinted moisturiser work? I use a lovely nivea one with translucent powder. I have VERY oily skin and everything else quite literally slides off.

Readytogogogo · 09/05/2021 12:06

I would be really surprised if it isn't bothering her - I'm not sure that anyone has ever not been bothered by bad acne?!

I think you have to be very careful though OP. I agree with gently offering to help her get another appt.

Roomba · 09/05/2021 12:07

I've had this with my son (can't put him on the pill to cure it!). I was only concerned as it looked incredibly painful! But he says he is fine and doesn't want to see a GP about it, so I accepted that. I change his pillowcases several times a week as that seems to help and he knows he can ask for help if he wants it. My mother still to this day 'shows concern' over me and my siblings weight, skin, hair, jobs, smoking, drinking, partners, you name it. I cannot become her v.2.0 so I not mention I g it again unless DS does.

flashylamp · 09/05/2021 12:09

I * would be really surprised if it isn't bothering her - I'm not sure that anyone has ever not been bothered by bad acne?!*

My own DD doesn't care at all about hers. I can't imagine badgering her to the point of defence about it.

One of the best things we can teach our children, girls in particular, is that they have the absolute right over what they do with and what they discuss about their own bodies.

OP needs to listen to her DD and back off instead of assuming her feelings about her own face.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2021 12:11

What is bothering you about it how she looks or how she feels ? You have explored options she is on antibiotics she doesn't want to talk about it or go on the pill what do you want to happen?

MrsTrumpDuTurnip · 09/05/2021 12:11

I'd leave it, she doesn't want to discuss it. If she changes her mind she is old enough to make her own Dr's appointment
It's hard but sometimes you have to step back

TheTeenageYears · 09/05/2021 12:11

DD16 has acne and was diagnosed with PCOS. She was prescribed the pill (Dianette) which helped her skin a bit but the breakthrough has been using Epiduo everyday. It's made a huge difference. I think she started using it 3 months ago. She is fastidious with her skin care routine - Cetaphil cleanser and Cerave moisturiser twice a day. Uses a clean dry flannel to dry her face and puts in the wash after each use.

TheTeenageYears · 09/05/2021 12:15

@Roomba

You can actually, a dermatologist said to my son the choices were the pill or Roaccutane

xela21 · 09/05/2021 12:16

Sounds rather a lot like her acne is bothering YOU not her.

I had acne is a teen, much less than your daughter, just the odd few spots on my forehead/face. My parents weren't bothered. I didn't love them but had friends with much worse acne and tbh wasn't interested in my physical appearance at that age. I remember going on family holidays and other relatives making mean remarks (who's children were younger and had lovely skin at the time... a few years down the line my skin was basically flawless from an acne point of view and my poor cousins had horrendous acne). My point is, let kids be kids? I wouldn't have cared for my acne or wearing glasses if I had been left alone by these relatives.

semideponent · 09/05/2021 12:20

DD had this from age 13/14. Her back was so sore, and she would cover herself in heavy clothes even on hot days so no one would see . We went private in the end the dermatologist prescribed isotretinoin (roaccutane). It worked really well. I think overall cost was about £1500.

Curlyhairedbrummie · 09/05/2021 12:24

It's tricky, especially since she's not speaking about it. I had absolutely awful acne at 14 and tried everything and nothing worked. It was so sore, red and angry looking. I wouldn't speak about it either and it was because I was so embarrassed and self conscious about it. My self esteem was so low I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror and I just withdrew into myself. Obviously this is quite extreme and your daughter may be very different and not fussed.
I agree with pp about approaching it as a medical condition. My mum asked me one day if I would like a private dermatology appointment and I said yes. I was put on roaccatane and my skin was clear within 2 weeks. I wish we'd gone sooner tbh.

bebanjo · 09/05/2021 12:27

I tend to by my DD a range of skin care products as stocking fillers for Christmas, I leave them in her room so no one else sees them. If she uses any and likes them she asks for more.

Stepawayfromthebaby · 09/05/2021 12:28

Sounds bat shit but I had similar skin when I was younger, we tried a lot of things, the pill, antibiotics etc, the one thing that really really helped was Chinese medicine. My mum spent about £50 on it and it actually worked 😯 now I'm in my 30s but occasionally get spots but it really did help clear it up xx

AliceMcK · 09/05/2021 12:29

@Hothammock

I had acne as a teen and my mum approached it as a medical condition. If you treat the subject in that way it takes away the taboo and means it less of a comment on appearance etc. This makes it more comfortable to deal with. As a mother you wouldn't let another medical condition rumble along without doing something about it, you would confidently be making doctors appointments and pressing for the right treatment. So don't feel shy about this and keep helping her to try out treatments until you both find something that works for her.

I agree with this.

My mother was obsessed with my appearance and that had negative effects on me. But as a medical condition, which it is, then you might have a better chance helping her.

I’m not in your position yet, but do have DDs approaching puberty. I’ve already started laying the foundations of what’s going to happen including acne. I still get breakouts so they have seen me treat mine and understand it’s something that needs to be treated. My DN had it really bad, my DB & SIL approached it the same way. For her the pill was the only thing that helped.

Palavah · 09/05/2021 12:31

I was your DD. I think what made me defensive /more defensive was my mum mentioning my skin in the course of another conversation, or in a context which made me think she'd been staring at me and not listening.
I think it's fine to raise it with her as 'this seems to bother you so I wanted you to know you have my full support however you want to address it (or even if you don't). Here are some things you could try ('we' would have irked me as i felt like I was being done to).

Agree with the dermatologist referral. I've only ever found them to be sympathetic.

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