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Original poster

Caught my husband watching porn

36 replies

Sonmom26 · 04/05/2021 18:19

I recently caught my husband watching porn the other day. I know some people are okay with their partner doing this but I had told him previously how much he would hurt me if he did that and he continued to do it behind my back. I’m so hurt because I literally begged him to lay with me and instead he went downstairs and did this. He told me he just opened it and scrolled because he was bored and called it entertainment after he couldn’t find anything else to read. He also said he doesn’t find them attractive it’s just physical and disassociated the emotional aspect. I’m literally so lost I feel worthless and depressed like I’m falling into a deep hole I’m unsure of what to do about this I feel like he has no respect for me I barely want to look at him.

OP posts:
Chitaufree · 04/05/2021 18:20

I think you’re overreacting personally
‘Worthless, depressed’ etc that’s not a normal reaction to this

CarnationCat · 04/05/2021 18:22

From experience, most men watch porn. The issue here is that you're not okay with it, he knows this and he chose to watch it while you were in the house and wanted to be with him.

It could be a porn addiction. Whatever it is, he has clearly left the relationship mentally. This is no life for you.

What is your sex life like?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/05/2021 18:22

I think you need to understand why this makes you feel like that, it's an extreme reaction.

sunsetsand · 04/05/2021 18:22

Why had you been "literally begging him" to lay with you before this?

Chailatteplease · 04/05/2021 18:24

I would leave a person who didn’t respect my boundaries.

Deathgrip · 04/05/2021 18:25

I’m really sorry that the first replies you’ve had are gas lighting you. You’re perfectly entitled to have this boundary OP and there’s nothing wrong with objecting to the use of porn in your relationship. Unfortunately it has become so normalised now but you are not abnormal.

The fact that he’s chosen to walk away from you wanting some intimacy and then watched porn because he’s bored is a massive red flag. Does he avoid intimacy with you often? The way he’s talking about those women is awful too.

I’ve been in a relationship with a porn addict and it was absolutely bloody horrendous. I think you need a frank discussion about his usage and whether it’s impacting your relationship / sex life. Then it’s up to you to decide whether it’s a deal breaker for you or not.

Original poster
Sonmom26 · 04/05/2021 18:25

Our sex life is good, I do have to personally make the move first nearly most of the time. But we have sex often so I’m confused on why even look

OP posts:
Branleuse · 04/05/2021 18:25

you begged him to lay with you, then he went downstairs and watched porn because he was bored?

I think it sounds like the issue is how he treats you and has checked out of the relationship.

Original poster
Sonmom26 · 04/05/2021 18:27

I was wanting to have sex but he said that he was busy and needed to do some things and didn’t want to lay down

OP posts:
Chitaufree · 04/05/2021 18:27

I’m really sorry that the first replies you’ve had are gas lighting you. You’re perfectly entitled to have this boundary OP and there’s nothing wrong with objecting to the use of porn in your relationship

There’s nothing wrong with the boundary but there is something seriously wrong if OP is feeling THAT bad about it that she feels depressed and spiralling down a hole. That’s not a normal or reasonable reaction

Original poster
Sonmom26 · 04/05/2021 18:29

I honestly didn’t know I would react this way. I’ve never caught him doing this before until now.. it’s the fact of feeling not enough. I trusted him not to especially since I stated this was a boundary of mine.

OP posts:
HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/05/2021 18:29

Don't be so patronising @Deathgrip, her reaction is extreme for sure and she needs to understand why.

TopBlogger · 04/05/2021 18:30

Porn is nothing to do with sex - it is about power and abuse. If you are not ok with this and he knows this, then his wants have outweighed your feelings. And they always will. Porn corrupts relationships, distorts sex and people never fully recover from watching it. Unlike other forms of addiction, the mind can never get rid of those images.

As you can probably tell, I detest it and would (and have) felt exactly like you

Chatanooga1 · 04/05/2021 18:32

If he was watching Songs of Praise it should bother you the same as he said he didn’t want to lay down/make love with you but has to go and do something and then you found he had lied and was just avoiding you and watching porn to pass the time.

Problem with being needy is that it is a massive turn off.

You need to address why you feel you don’t get enough attention from him as it really sounds like he is no longer interested.

Original poster
Sonmom26 · 04/05/2021 18:34

@Deathgrip Did you heal from him doing this ? I keep asking myself why I’m not enough. I think that I can forgive him then I think of him choosing that over me.. and it makes me so angry and hurt. He doesn’t necessarily avoid intimacy with me but I have to encourage it .. he said he thought he wanted to look at another women naked but when I’m naked I barely get a look from him ..

OP posts:
Gabriellastella · 04/05/2021 18:40

You definitely don't have to be okay with him watching porn. I have the same boundary. How anyone can be comfortable with their dh abusing and degrading women is beyond me, and everyone I know in RL feels similar to me on the subject. It is only on MN where everyone is suspiciously cool with it.

The fact that he chooses to watch porn over having actual intimacy with you must be a dealbreaker, he is telling you loud and clear that he is not interested. The reason why you have no confidence or self esteem and are now begging for him is because he is gas lighting you, and making you feel worthless.

He clearly does not treat you well, he has not respect for you whatsoever. I would call it a day now. Not because of the porn as such, although I would end it too if this happened to me, but because he cares so little for you.

You deserve so much better, he is treating you like shit!!

Gabriellastella · 04/05/2021 18:41

**watching women being abused and degraded is beyond me.

Deathgrip · 04/05/2021 18:41

I’m with someone now who respects me and would never be abusive - I can’t believe I put up with it all for as long as I did. Obviously I don’t know if your partner is a porn addict, but choosing to look at other women having sex over choosing to be intimate you is very concerning, and I’m not surprised it has made you feel like shit.

Deathgrip · 04/05/2021 18:42

If he was watching Songs of Praise it should bother you the same

Oh FFS

SirVixofVixHall · 04/05/2021 18:43

I would leave Dh if he watched porn. I couldn’t love a man who thought so little of women.

alabaster11 · 04/05/2021 18:45

There's nothing emotional in watching porn so please believe him when he says this.

DH and I both watch porn so I have no issues, however, you have set a boundary and he hasn't respected it. Really sorry to hear this OP. You need to have a frank discussion with him. Hope it all works out for you both.

LeSquigh · 04/05/2021 18:52

I think what’s wrong here is that he rejected you in favour of it.

Mumsnet is the only place in the world where it’s not accepted that the vast VAST majority of men (and quite a lot of women) watch porn on a regular basis.

I would find it really weird if my DP didn’t watch porn!

Anothernick · 04/05/2021 19:02

As others have said, if he is choosing porn rather than sex with you then this is a red flag which needs to be dealt with. But if this was a one-off incident and you are otherwise happy with your relationship then "falling in to a deep hole" is an overreaction.

You are perfectly entitled to set boundaries about porn but it is true that many - probably most - men use it. If that is a deal breaker for you then it is time to break the deal. Setting boundaries that can be crossed without consequences is meaningless and just means he will not respect any other boundaries you set.

Obviouspretzel · 04/05/2021 19:11

@TopBlogger

Porn is nothing to do with sex - it is about power and abuse. If you are not ok with this and he knows this, then his wants have outweighed your feelings. And they always will. Porn corrupts relationships, distorts sex and people never fully recover from watching it. Unlike other forms of addiction, the mind can never get rid of those images.

As you can probably tell, I detest it and would (and have) felt exactly like you

Ludicrous take on it. Porn for some people may be about power and abuse, but for the vast, vast majority of people its about sex. Watching people have sex. Watching people masturbate. You're projecting some weird stuff there.

If you don't agree with porn, fine. If you don't accept it in a relationship, fine. But it isn't about power for most.

Moonmelodies · 04/05/2021 19:12

Aren't people entitled to decline sex (or laying down) these days, whatever the reason, without fear of consequences?