Grandson strong will and determination he's 1and a half

[SickofCovid]

OK, my daughter just called me sobbing. It took her 1hr and 30 mins to get her little boy back to her car after been in the playground. He lost the plot, screaming crying. Throwing himself down like a tantrum. This is a constant battle with him. Literally wants to do his own thing. Doesn't want to get into car seat, doesn't want Mum or Dad to put on his shoes. Doesn't want them help feed him. Regardless what they do, he just wants his own way all the time. My poor daughter actually believes her son hates her with his actions. He wouldn't be as bad for his dad. Has anyone any words of comfort, advice on how to deal with him, any opinions would be so helpful.

@pob13

Don't think if them as "bad behaviour".

Think of it as the final presentation of extreme frustration.

Imagine you're in a shoe shop, and you want the Blue shoes this time. Not the red shoes you always buy.
The shop assistant, without asking you, brings you red shoes.a bit exasperated, you ask her to bring you the blue shoes. She brings you different red shoes. You get a bit more exasperated and ask again for blue shoes.
She ignores you, and brings you red shoes again, insisting that are the right ones.
You get cross. She insists on giving you the red shoes and tries to make you pay for them. You get angry and leave the store.

Now just imagine can't leave the shop or control yourself at the last point of frustration. You bubble up and burst out and scram at the lady, and she calls security and they escort you out if the shop and say you can never shop here again.

That's about what it's like for toddlers. But worse.
Toddlers can't always communicate to you why they're frustrated. Adults often ignore their wishes. . And their feelings are ignored, or worse they're punished for expressing a negative emotion.

Try and get them before the tantrum (not always possible,I know) but watch out for warning signs.

Make a decision about the battle you're about to have.

Eg do they ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO wear their shoes right now? Do they absolutely have to wear those particular shoes?

Often times, the battle you're about to wage doesn't need to happen. For example, they can walk to the car in their socks, and you can put their shoes on later.

@Pob13 This article from the NYT is helpful albeit a bit science-y

www.nytimes.com/2020/10/15/parenting/kids-tantrums-advice.html

Toddlers can't regulate their emotions. They're too big and overwhelming for them. Having tantrums is part of how they learn to do that as their brain develops.

As most people have said really but also, some things help:

1. some children need forewarning that they will be leaving somewhere (e.g. 5 more pushes on the swing and we’re getting off).

2. swift removal and continuing to be chirpy helps. I once had to carry my screaming toddler whilst holding onto my parents dog’s lead who I was dog-sitting down busy but narrow streets and it was stressful but I just did it and took no messing from him.

3. choice does help at this age, but not too much. Some things have to be assertive and ‘we’re leaving’ is one of those.

4. language development helps, so any activities your daughter can do to enhance his language and encourage speaking, will help her understand what his real upset is. For instance my toddler can now tell me what upsets him and understand what I say, so I can placate him with things like ‘don’t worry we’ll come back tomorrow and have lots more fun’.

I have one of those - still do. On the positive side he is also one of the most affectionate and loving little boys

Learn which battles to fight, learn what choices to give so they feel they are in control, try to avoid over tired and over hungry and give warnings

And carry if needs be - DS is huge (nearly 5ft 8.5 stone at 8.5) but I could still carry him into school at 5! There are some things that have become non negotiable - he knows what boundaries he cant cross and what he has to do

Argh, it's hard being a Mum sometimes! We've all been in challenging situations with stroppy toddlers. I think it sounds like typical toddler behaviour. If I'd have been in this situation I'd have stuck with the plan, wrestled to get my toddler in the car seat and let her scream/get into a state of needs be.

As a parent it's important to be in charge and to be confident in your decisions.

Also, if it's likely to be more effort than it's worth, where possible don't do it! So if your grandson likes to run off don't take him to very open spaces. If he always kicks off when leaving the park, don't take him to the park for a while.

@mynameiscalypso

I find it quite helpful to reframe tantrums. They're an important part of neurological development

I'll try to remember this next time my toddler is lying on the floor as stiff as a board kicking and screaming with a load of old ladies looking on and giving their 10 pennies worth 😂

There's been some great advice here!
My ds is also 18 months and strong willed, he perfected surf board baby early on.

It really helps to stop and understand what the 'tantrum' actually is, children don't have the reasoning or vocabulary to tell us what the problem is, they feel safest with their primary care giver(s) to let out all of those emotions.

Its soul destroying at times but framing it in a more positive light and having tools to deal with it really helps. As they get older I find the zero strokes works well, but at such a young age it's really just understanding what is happening and finding what works. Lying on the floor screaming? Pick him up and carry on, he'll calm down. Refusing to get in the car/pushchair? Plonk him in and fasten the straps, he'll calm down. Refusing to be helped? Try something else, let him try or find a distraction (like let him put a hat on while I wrestle the shoes on).

I have a friend who's attitude with her toddler was "anything for a quiet life." He's now a strapping 10 year old and she still pussyfoots around him. Her life is anything but quiet.

My DD1 was exactly like this. Tbh I think I was just much meaner than it sounds like your daughter is. I would regularly pick her up and put her underneath my arm/have to more or less get her in a headlock to get her strapped into the buggy/sit there while she point blank refused to eat her healthy tea while looking her in the eye and insisting there was literally nothing else available for her to eat so if she was hungry she had better eat that.

She did grow out of it but it was really wearing at the time.

So my words of comfort to your daughter are to be more horrible- it’s definitely not personal, it’s just what kids that age are like. Do what you have to for your own sanity and rest assured things do improve.

@Theunamedcat

Just pick him up you don't negotiate with terrorists

Haha exactly this.

Just pick him up you don't negotiate with terrorists

Best description of parenting a toddler ever!

@Talkwhilstyouwalk It's so much easier to think when you're not in the moment 😂

"She's doing him no favours as the other parents in the playground will avoid like the plague."

This is rubbish and a cruel thing to say. Actually most nice parents will understand and sympathise.

I've been where your daughter is. When he was 9 months old my son was incredibly strong and would fight, scream and arch his back when I tried to get him in the car seat. A kind lady in a car park once helped me get him in by distracting him. I used to give him a biscuit after nursery so that I wasn't struggling for quarter of an hour trying to strap him in. In baby changing rooms he would try to climb off the table from about 6 months old - none of my friends' babies did it and they just didn't get it.

The struggle is real and anyone who hasn't experienced it has no idea and shouldn't be accusing your daughter of doing things wrong. Some tots are just super strong and strong minded! Hang in there.

@Justmuddlingalong

I have a friend who's attitude with her toddler was "anything for a quiet life." He's now a strapping 10 year old and she still pussyfoots around him. Her life is anything but quiet.

I think there's sometimes a misconception that picking your battles = letting your child rule your life. I don't think it's the same. I have firm boundaries but only when they need to be firm and I stick to them. It makes life easier for me and DS. Using one of the examples above - couldn't give a shit if DS wears shoes or not if he's in his buggy / in the car seat / inside / on our balcony / in the communal grounds (we live in a block of flats). Most of the time he does but it's not a hill I'm willing to die on because it makes very little difference to me. If DS wants to get out of his buggy and walk, he wears shoes. Even then, I probably wouldn't really care if he was running around on grass and wearing socks. But walking barefoot down the road is dangerous so that's the boundary.

I miss the portable size child I used to have! Toddlerhood and adolescence are very challenging times and some kids are easier compared to others but rest assured those other mothers will see plenty of drama at some point

He sounds like a completely normal toddler... and just like my youngest who is also 18months.

It can feel overwhelming at times, but I have to agree with other posters that your daughter just has to remember who is in charge and pick her battles. Giving him some level of choice/autonomy (like eating by himself) will help him feel empowered. But then she should just get on with the things she needs to do (like leave the playground carrying him) and weather the tantrum storm.

They are easily distracted at this age and so forget their tantrums quickly... especially if it happens to be snack time 😊

I always have a distraction so a small tub with some fruit pieces, a box of raisins anything to catch her attention when she's ready to start huffing.
My DD (18 months) doesn't scream she does this cute huff and puff sort of thing. I think she thinks she sounds angry and in charge.

The force was strong in DS1 (it turned out years later that he has ASD and it was just one of many traits). At that age, it's not uncommon to need to scoop them up or use a carefully placed knee etc to ensure they can be buckled in safely.
I did have issues late in pregnancy when I was on crutches, couldn't use a pushchair or bend down to 2yo level, at that point I did have to keep going out to places where minimal good will about things like walking were required, but that was a temporary phase of a few months until I got some mobility back.

At this age, there's little point in trying to reason with them. Talk to them, but keep choices simple. Be assertive. If you can't be assertivevat this stage when their expression is pretty simple, it's going to be much harder when they start applying logic and a bit of psychology to their arguements. They also get heavier to shift too!

My friend picks no battles. Therefore her DS totally rules the roost. He's got rotten teeth through refusing to brush them, eats crap daily and even attending school appears to be optional. I know it's an extreme example, but theirs is a perfect storm of lax parenting and a headstrong child.

Completely agree with pick your battles.

Very much have rugby balled a child or two in my time.

Transitions are tricky with children, they're having fun (or even when they are not they'll still dig their heels in) bribery, routine, count down, moving on the subject 'its time to have lunch, what shall we have?', racing them to gates, post boxes, giving them important tasks such as shopping lists...

Natural consequences also help. Won't put your shoes on? Oh well, into the buggy, nope you can't get out and walk you're in your socks. Gonna put your shoes on now? Or, give wellies/crocs as an option, something they can do themselves.

Give them the options and power but to make the choice you want them too, if that don't work, under he arm they go.

Oooo I had this battle yesterday with my 2yo and he sticks his hand down his throat and starts vomiting which is a pain to clean but I bend him back into his position so I can strap him in his car seat. He is so strong. I have to carry him on the way back after every park journey where he tries to throw him self out my arms. I hope know ones judging when they witness me wrestling my screaming toddler but it's bloody exhausting and stressful and I hate going out with him.

Nothing to add. It's force or distraction (snack) at that age.

When slightly older, I found reframing it not as leaving the playground but going to do something else fun helped. So I didn't say, "We're leaving now", I said "Let's go buy lots of nice things at the shop" or "Hop in and let's go watch some Peppa".

I feel for your daughter toddler tantrums can be so tough. My son also finds it difficult leaving the park aswell. I find giving him plenty of notice before we are ready to leave helps so we do last turn on the swing, slide, roundabout then race to the car. Does he have any sensory issues as 90 minutes is a very long time for a tantrum and seems more likely to be a meltdown.

I had 4 children aged 5 and under and no 2 was a pro at being a surfboard. And a runner and escape artist. Ergo.. reins. Mostly so I could keep hold while he dangled with rage on the end of them!
And many a time I had to march away from places with him under my arm like a furious rugby ball, followed by a strategic knee in the chest to fold him into his buggy or car seat!

He's quite a laid back human being now!!!

But yes sometimes you can't give choices.. pick up and run!

Oh they're so strong aren't they. They're like little incredible hulks.

My DS 21 months has started doing this with his pushchair.
Brake goes on and I have to press down on his thighs (not hard obviously!) and quickly get one strap buckled in. By this point he knows it's game over and I've won. He's fine a second later, preoccupied with a snack.

He did the same with his car seat at one point and again short of acting like I'm possessed used the same method with a bit of help from my phone. I let him watch my phone in the car (I wedge it under the seat rest). I don't like to use my phone but it helps him get in his seat and occupies him on the car journey.