Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Childhood bully now coaches me

91 replies

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/04/2021 12:05

Before christmas I moved to the south coast of England and joined a crossfit gym. Turns out one of my childhood bullies is a coach there. Its a bit shocking considering we both spent our childhood in Yorkshire. The bullying was at a sports club and was constant, I avoided all situations where id be near her. For context, I spent every evening at this sports club. We competed at a fairly high level in the sport, so trained a lot. My Dad was a coach there and neither parent had any idea.

Its a small gym and there is only one class that runs at anytime so its not a case of just choosing a different class to go to. I like the gym generally and am starting to make friends there, so dont really want to leave. The childhood bully recognises me but cant place me. At the class this morning she spent a good few minutes trying to rule out where she knew me from. If I didnt know her and she hadnt bullied me i'd probably think she seemed nice. Im very conflicted. What do I do? What would you do? On one hand I think I 'should' point out how we know each other, but on the other hand I think I should just let the past be and get on with things. Help! Any opinions welcome.

OP posts:
Stickytreacle · 27/04/2021 12:11

I think I'd remind her where she knows you from, and mention that you hope she is a nicer person now. Then continue with the gym as normal, it should be her being made to feel uncomfortable about staying, not you. Hold your head up high is my advice.

Justmuddlingalong · 27/04/2021 12:12

I'd remind her.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 27/04/2021 12:13

@Stickytreacle

I think I'd remind her where she knows you from, and mention that you hope she is a nicer person now. Then continue with the gym as normal, it should be her being made to feel uncomfortable about staying, not you. Hold your head up high is my advice.
^this
IhateBoswell · 27/04/2021 12:15

Ooh I’d tell her and possibly watch her squirm 😬 I’d be prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt that she’s changed though.

CatrinVennastin · 27/04/2021 12:16

I would tell her where you know each other from. Just be matter of fact about it and keep on with your gym going.

I bet she’ll feel ashamed of herself if she’s grown up and taken a good look at her behaviour.

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 27/04/2021 12:16

I’d use something along the lines of what Sarah Millican said to a childhood bully who wrote to her.

“I do remember you but not favourably. Hopefully you’ve changed since then and we can keep things professional. Let’s not discuss this again.”

Chatanooga1 · 27/04/2021 12:16

I bet she knows and it’s just another tactic to make you squirm.

custardbear · 27/04/2021 12:18

I doubt she's changed much. I wouldn't tell her as you may feel in your own psyche that she's got one up on you as the former bully - just be assertive and kick her down with any shit she gives you - if necessary report her if she decides to start up with the behaviours again or singling you out in classes etc
She'll need that job I expect so she'd best behave - hope it does well

Chatanooga1 · 27/04/2021 12:18

Of course she remembers you and knows who you are.

She knew it would come oh go others at some point that you knew each other so her saying she can’t place you is her passive aggressive way of making you feel insignificant and unremarkable.

newnortherner111 · 27/04/2021 12:20

The only question for me is whether you tell her in other people's hearing or not. Which probably would depend on how long ago it was.

Cotswoldmama · 27/04/2021 12:22

Was she actually verbally trying to place you as in saying 'i'm sure I know you from somewhere?' or was it you could tell by how she was looking at you? I think it's something you would have had to say straight away if she was verbally trying to place you. I would have probably said 'you used to bully me!' and then say 'but that was years ago now and I'm sure you changed a lot since then!' that way she has the chance to apologise and you both can move on from it.

itsgettingwierd · 27/04/2021 12:22

@Stickytreacle

I think I'd remind her where she knows you from, and mention that you hope she is a nicer person now. Then continue with the gym as normal, it should be her being made to feel uncomfortable about staying, not you. Hold your head up high is my advice.
This is great advice

"We trained together at X sports club" then a huge knowing smile!

Leeds2 · 27/04/2021 12:24

If you were training at a high level, I am guessing that there would only have been a few of you so unlikely that she can't place you. I would also guess, assuming that you have a Yorkshire accent, she can place the period of her life when she knew you. I think it is unlikely she doesn't know who you are.
Do you still have the same name, or now have a married name?l

murbblurb · 27/04/2021 12:26

What a nightmare coincidence!

She may not recognise you, bullies make life hell for so many that they lose track. @Stickytreacle s answer is a piece of dignified brilliance.

And if she hasn't grown out of being a shit, you now have a lot more ammunition..

FindBetty · 27/04/2021 12:28

Does she really not recognise you, or is she fishing in the hope you'll do that 'be nice' thing of saying, 'Oh, we were both on the county Quidditch team, small world' [fake smile], so she can pretend to remember you, and be all, 'Wow! We had great fun, didn't we?' and you're effectively manoeuvered into sweeping her arsehole behaviour under the carpet by default?

If she HAS had time to reflect on her bullying, wouldn't she remember you straight away - with a red face?

sunflowersandbuttercups · 27/04/2021 12:34

Are you sure she doesn't recognise you? She could be faking in the hopes that you don't speak up.

Original poster
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/04/2021 12:45

It was a long while ago but the bullying has stayed with me, im 35 now and we would have been teens. She'd be about the same age as me. I dont really have a Yorkshire accent anymore on account of moving around so much, I think I have a hint when I say certain words.

She was trying to find some common ground to try and find where she'd recognise me from - she said this during conversation. At the time I was maybe 90% sure it was her, not totally sure, so didnt want to say anything in case I was wrong. Im now completely sure it's her.

Ive changed my name on marriage, but she'd 100% place me if I told her my maiden name. My Dad used to coach her for a bit!

OP posts:
BlessedDD · 27/04/2021 12:48

She for definite knows exactly where she knows you from.

Just tell her straight - I would & then say stay the hell away from me

LaBellina · 27/04/2021 12:51

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Are you sure she doesn't recognise you? She could be faking in the hopes that you don't speak up.
^^this

If I’d encounter one of my old bullies, I’d make sure that everyone knew what an awful person she was to me in the past. But I’m a firm believer that adolescent bullies should be held accountable for what they did to others because why do they get to move on with their lives whilst their past behavior still affects me.

Tlollj · 27/04/2021 12:52

She knows fine well who you are is my opinion. More mind fucking from her. Look you’ve even made a thread on here. Tell her say yeah you remember you used to bully at xxxx club. Fuck her let her squirm.

Original poster
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/04/2021 12:53

I dont know if she's lying or not and she does recognise me. She might be, but theres no way of knowing I suppose.

OP posts:
KitBumbleB · 27/04/2021 12:54

I guess it depends on what you are hoping the outcome would be
Do you want an apology? Unlikely you would get one
Do you want to make her squirm, unlikely she might find it funny or won't remember it the way you do

So you want to show her how much you've changed?

Maybe best just smile and nod and get on with things

FlyingBurrito · 27/04/2021 12:54

@sunflowersandbuttercups

Are you sure she doesn't recognise you? She could be faking in the hopes that you don't speak up.
Why mention it at all in that case? She doesn't know that the OP has recognsied her so if she does remember her best bet is not to raise the issue imo.
Original poster
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/04/2021 13:04

@KitBumbleB

I guess it depends on what you are hoping the outcome would be Do you want an apology? Unlikely you would get one Do you want to make her squirm, unlikely she might find it funny or won't remember it the way you do

So you want to show her how much you've changed?

Maybe best just smile and nod and get on with things

Good questions - thanks.

Long and short is I dont care what she thinks/does etc. I feel nothing towards her. I dont want to make her squirm particularly, some acknowledgment might be nice but im not particularly hanging on for an apology. I am a bit concerned that she wont remember it the same way I do and think im being dramatic - which is putting me off saying anything. Im not sure what you mean about showing her about how much ive changed?? Of course ive changed - im 20 older than when she last saw me. If you mean proving myself that im no longer worthy of her bullying, im not interested in this at all.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 27/04/2021 13:11

* She knows fine well who you are is my opinion. More mind fucking from her. Look you’ve even made a thread on here. Tell her say yeah you remember you used to bully at xxxx club. Fuck her let her squirm.*

^I would do this.