Childhood bully now coaches me

[Letsallscreamatthesistene]

Before christmas I moved to the south coast of England and joined a crossfit gym. Turns out one of my childhood bullies is a coach there. Its a bit shocking considering we both spent our childhood in Yorkshire. The bullying was at a sports club and was constant, I avoided all situations where id be near her. For context, I spent every evening at this sports club. We competed at a fairly high level in the sport, so trained a lot. My Dad was a coach there and neither parent had any idea.

Its a small gym and there is only one class that runs at anytime so its not a case of just choosing a different class to go to. I like the gym generally and am starting to make friends there, so dont really want to leave. The childhood bully recognises me but cant place me. At the class this morning she spent a good few minutes trying to rule out where she knew me from. If I didnt know her and she hadnt bullied me i'd probably think she seemed nice. Im very conflicted. What do I do? What would you do? On one hand I think I 'should' point out how we know each other, but on the other hand I think I should just let the past be and get on with things. Help! Any opinions welcome.

@shewalkslikerihanna

Although I understand the schadenfreude, you’re unkind bringing weight into it as a yardstick for your smugness.

I’m overweight and do not think myself as being a lesser person just because there is more. Most people would love to have my life.

Aligning weight with perceived success is completely stupid and judgemental.

I'd got for honesty, and tell her yes I know you, we used to train together and you were a total dick to me, I didn't mention it before because I thought you maybe realised and didn't know how to bring it up. But it was 20 years ago and you seem like a different person now, I know I am, so I didn't want to embarrass you by reminding you how you behaved.

I was horribly bullied (physically assaulted and verbally abused) for four years when I was at secondary school. The physical assaults, which ranged from setting fire to my hair with a lighter in the lunch queue to pinning me down and kicking me in the back and head, were carried out by one girl, or by her cronies after she told them lies about me. I hadn't done a damn thing to deserve it, she just woke up one day and decided she hated me.

I found out about a year ago that she is in a long-term relationship with my brother's fiancee's brother. We're in our 30s too and she absolutely knows who I am; she mentioned to my soon to be SIL that she "wasn't very nice" to me in school.

I wish I could be as cool about it as you, OP, but it fills me with rage that she is living a comfy life with my brother's in laws and none of them know the full extent of what a feral little bitch she was. I was miserable, I developed an eating disorder and my hair was falling out with the stress. The only reason the bullying ended when it did is because she got pregnant at 16 and dropped out. In fact, the last time I saw her was in 2006 when she was being removed from the exam hall for cheating.

Hopefully your bully has grown into a reasonable adult. From what I've seen on facebook, mine is still rough and threatens to "kick fuck out of" people.

I mentioned in one of my updates - because I wasnt 100% sure she was who I thought she was. Now im sure.

I would just say calmly " We were at school together but we were not friends". It doesn't matter if she rememebers /acknowledges she bullied you. You are both adults now , so leave it in the past.

I'd just leave it to be honest till it's seems she's twigged who you are and she'll be a bit different around you.

Then might be the time to really let her know what a bitch she was.

I think she knows already.

Or next time she wonders how she knows you in front of a crowd just tell her she bullied you and give some of the worst examples for all to hear.

You'll need to prepare yourself for that occasion so you know what to say calmly then just walk away in a drop the mike moment

She absolutely knows already.

The pp that mentioned about bumping into hers working behind a bar, that's a really good example about how these sorts come at you: with a sort of 'glee', years after bullying you. It's similar to what abusive exs often do. The thing is, for them you were a source of happiness (or rather, sucking you dry was) and they remember that - and are looking at you thinking 'ooh fresh supply'.

OPs bully is wondering if she is a suitable target again. Either that or she is worried op might tell others about her. But I suspect it's the former considering how forwards she has been. If op fails the test by showing weakness, the glee will appear and she will be target number 1 again.

I don’t think she knows 100% but probably a high percentage, the accent throwing her.

At the end of the day, most people change a lot since teen years and it’s not a social situation like she is joining your friendship circle or dating a sibling. She’s just the person who teaches a class with other people in it too.

I like pps answer of “we did x club together, but we weren’t friends”.

I think it's absolutely brilliant that you don't need validation from her and absolutely brilliant that you know you didn't deserve to be bullies. She has no power over you.

Personally, I would leave it. Remember it's your gym but her place of work. Calling her out and making a show of it Infront of others could result in her work place taking her side over you. Especially for something that happened a long time ago.

If I look back at 5/10 year intervals over my life not only would most of my previous versions not recognise each other, most really wouldn't like them either.

Me from 20 or 30 years ago would just not be friends with today me, we wouldn't be able to have a conversation, we wouldn't have anything in common and we really wouldn't like each other.

I would treat this person for who she is today, not for a stranger she once was.

If she actually asks you, how she thinks she might know you, just remind her.and carry on enjoying the gym if you like it there, There really is no point in dragging up the past actions that she had towards you. Being sensible is the way forward,and not holding grudges from way back.

But I’m a firm believer that adolescent bullies should be held accountable for what they did to others because why do they get to move on with their lives whilst their past behavior still affects me

Really? What do you suggest?

People who are bullies have had their own issues to deal with which made them a bully in the first place, which they could well still be dealing with. The kids who were unkind to me at school have generally not been as ambitious or successful in life as I have.

Telling this woman she was a bitch at school will look rather mad and embarrassing. I'd just give her the details, let her catch on and say nothing more about it. And only say/do something now if she was trying to continue that behaviour.

Bullies only bully because they're projecting their own issues. Maybe her fitness interest has helped her cope with those issues, or maybe she's in a better place now, as you are too. Either way, you know you've done no wrong and she has no right to make you feel anything negative. You can choose to be the bigger, better person in the situations when you see her, don't let her rattle you.

Stuff that. A bully may have their issues but it doesn't give them a get out of jail free card. The bullying itself stays with you and in some cases leads to suicides. Today I sat in tears over my own experiences and how much loss I have gone through over it so stick the holy attitude. Hold them accountable and unless you have been the victim shut up. For some its easy, for others its deadly.

I think because I dont particularly want anything from her im not going to mention her bullying. I cant see any merit in it. Ill say why she recognises me but leave it at that. I suppose ill just have a heightened sense of caution when it comes to her.

Don't acknowledge that she does know you OP let her ponder. Definitely don't fall for the "I've changed routine" if she says that. That sort never changes. I wasn't bullied at school (other than bitchy remarks) but that sort makes my blood boil!

Tricky, I have had females bullies a few times. And had different outcomes, once I got some sort of revenge which in hindsight was a but snobbish of me. I had just graduated uni and hadn't been much to my home town in four year, this one day j went back into the town centre and I saw her at 22 walking with three young kids maybe all under 5 put on some weight and just looked a bit chavtastic. She caught my eye as I was walking past I looked her up and down and just wrinkled my nose at her like she smelled of shit and walk on by know she was trapped in a dead end town and i educated and got out. At the time I felt good. She really terrified me at school and I spend breaks running and hiding from her and her gang. But looking back I feel bad for her, she properly had a shitty home life and I imagine she's repeating her family cycle and I shouldn't have thought myself better.

On the other had girls who picked on me/mocked me alot for being different at other times in my life have reached out 10-15 years later and apologized for what they did. And a power to them they have clearly changed and owned their past mistakes. I still carry the damage of not being able to trust women friendships on the whole but I'm ok.

At the OP this person may have changed and I've noticed a lot of teen behaviour didn't carry over to adulthood which is good. Either way figure out if she has changed and it's good to let things lie or just subtly hint at who you are and let the figure out and remember what they did.

So then any apology isn't forced, if they feel so bad and stop going to the gym you'll know they feel ashamed., If they however know who you are an nothing changes you may wish to confront or let it lie. Depends what you have to gain from a confrontation. Good luck though such a small world for the worse sometimes!

She needs your business, you have the upper hand. Just saying.

I told an old friend that their bullying was awful and they were mortified and quite upset. In the short term I suppose that was helpful but the anger of it is still there and something I have never quite got rid of.

Its difficult because you open gates to having potentially be friends or if you don't want that but have told them then you look like a grudge bearer when actually....you just don't think they deserve your time of day. I don't have any shared circles with this person much and have avoided them and would rather it that way. The whole relationship was founded on me befriending them to avoid being bullied, which is messed up.

I think because I dont particularly want anything from her im not going to mention her bullying. I cant see any merit in it. Ill say why she recognises me but leave it at that. I suppose ill just have a heightened sense of caution when it comes to her.

Good idea, at the end of the day, it's her job and she needs to act professionally now. Continue to make friends as you are and keep her at arms length. The others don't know the history and she probably comes across as lovely to them, it will probably do more harm to you then good to bring up the bullying at this stage.