Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Childhood bully now coaches me

91 replies

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/04/2021 12:05

Before christmas I moved to the south coast of England and joined a crossfit gym. Turns out one of my childhood bullies is a coach there. Its a bit shocking considering we both spent our childhood in Yorkshire. The bullying was at a sports club and was constant, I avoided all situations where id be near her. For context, I spent every evening at this sports club. We competed at a fairly high level in the sport, so trained a lot. My Dad was a coach there and neither parent had any idea.

Its a small gym and there is only one class that runs at anytime so its not a case of just choosing a different class to go to. I like the gym generally and am starting to make friends there, so dont really want to leave. The childhood bully recognises me but cant place me. At the class this morning she spent a good few minutes trying to rule out where she knew me from. If I didnt know her and she hadnt bullied me i'd probably think she seemed nice. Im very conflicted. What do I do? What would you do? On one hand I think I 'should' point out how we know each other, but on the other hand I think I should just let the past be and get on with things. Help! Any opinions welcome.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 28/04/2021 00:45

@CrazyNeighbour

If I’d encounter one of my old bullies, I’d make sure that everyone knew what an awful person she was to me in the past. But I’m a firm believer that adolescent bullies should be held accountable for what they did to others because why do they get to move on with their lives whilst their past behavior still affects me.

You should expect it to massively backfire on you.

I suspect you have never been a victim of bullying giving this comment. Good for you.

LaBellina · 28/04/2021 00:49

@LilQueenie

Stuff that. A bully may have their issues but it doesn't give them a get out of jail free card. The bullying itself stays with you and in some cases leads to suicides. Today I sat in tears over my own experiences and how much loss I have gone through over it so stick the holy attitude. Hold them accountable and unless you have been the victim shut up. For some its easy, for others its deadly.

Exactly! But I suspect some of those here who are trying to excuse the bullies or make condescending remarks towards how we are supposed to feel might very well have been bullies themselves at some points in their lives. No I don’t need to have any fucking empathy for someone who nearly drove me to suicide. Sod off with your victim blaming.

lorettoo · 28/04/2021 01:14

@LaBellina I don't want to give a pass for any bully they're life destroying! I was bullied at school but have mostly seen the bullies grow up and become decent adults and should be praised for becoming better people. A lot of bullies come from crap home lives and are abused and bullied at home by their parents so you can see why it happens, most often the bullies have nothing, it's sad really

LaBellina · 28/04/2021 01:23

[quote lorettoo]@LaBellina I don't want to give a pass for any bully they're life destroying! I was bullied at school but have mostly seen the bullies grow up and become decent adults and should be praised for becoming better people. A lot of bullies come from crap home lives and are abused and bullied at home by their parents so you can see why it happens, most often the bullies have nothing, it's sad really [/quote]
I have a different experience. My bully tried to attack me out of nowhere, after years of not seeing her, in a bar in my 20s in my hometown. I was lucky I had a male friend with me who told her that he would beat her up if she ever dared to harass me again. She has also tried to attack a former classmate after graduating by showing up with a bunch of her male friends, holding sticks and all, at my old classmates home. I don’t believe for a minute that she has changed. The first time I was out with DS as a baby visiting my parents in my hometown (I moved away) I was afraid of seeing her again because I knew I couldn’t defend myself properly with a tiny baby in tow.

lorettoo · 28/04/2021 01:29

@LaBellina that's completely worse situation than what I have dealt with. You are totally justified these people should be in jail please don't think I'm defending anyone like that at all!! Hate that people like this exist. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt but some people will never change 😢 really sorry if you thought I didn't see that xxxx

LaBellina · 28/04/2021 01:34

Thank you @lorettoo. I understand how you feel too.

I just wish people stopped minimizing bullying. It’s the only abuse where people are encouraged to forgive their abuser and I think it should become a criminal offense.
Victims still deal with the scars of it years later and the perpetrators just continue with their lives.

lorettoo · 28/04/2021 01:42

You are totally right!
I am struggling with a teaching assistant who I think is bullying my daughter at the moment, and other kids in the class. As soon as the teacher is out the room. I don't know how best to deal with it or what to say. Do you have any advise on that?

LaBellina · 28/04/2021 01:51

A grown up who abuses their power to bully children ? That’s absolutely horrific. Very sorry to hear your DD is going trough that. I think from my experience, the best thing is to show your daughter that you believe and support her. I would encourage her to write down every incident and you can report it to the school. In fact, report it immediately to the teacher once she comes back to class (by your DD) and report it later to the school (you). If she feels the bullying gets so intense that she feels like breaking down, I would encourage her to leave class and find her teacher or another trusted adult immediately.
The most important thing is to take this seriously.

lorettoo · 28/04/2021 02:00

I've spoken to other kids parents and so
Many have been coming home crying. Being penalized for a couple of kids talking and all losing their breaks and getting shouted at etc (still primary school) but none of the kids want parents to report anything to the actual teacher or cause a fuss, they're all too scared. It is sad. But I needed to hear your view tonight really and get it sorted, however awkward it might be it needs to be addressed 🙌 thank you

LaBellina · 28/04/2021 02:21

Poor kids....I really thinks someone needs to stand up for them. Apart from all the damage that is done by shouting and penalties, I believe that if the teaching assistant picks on one of them in particular this could very well be the start of that particular child getting bullied by others kids too. Toxic environments create more toxic situations.
I really hope you can sort this out with help of other parents. Consider moving to another school if you have to. My mother refused to do that as she saw it as giving in to the bullies but did not consider enough how it would affect me. Years down the line she says she deeply regrets it and I still resent her for promising me she would and then changing her mind because it would be ‘letting the bullies win’.

mantlepiece · 28/04/2021 02:29

I think some of the comments on here have a Wiff of guilt about them.

There is so much bullying going on in our schools and sometimes workplaces it’s not surprising.

Maybe you weren’t the prime mover in the bullying, but were in the ‘gang’ and went along with it. You liked the kudos of belonging to the group so you were a part of the behaviour.

Chilling really.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 28/04/2021 06:37

Whiff.

Yes, I'm sure I did laugh along with what someone in the class called out and said about someone else, relieved it wasn't me that time. I'm sure I have been unkind and cruel, mostly unintentionally but sometimes on purpose. I feel sorry for anyone who can't admit that to themelves. Most people do not fall into a neat definition of Nasty Bully or Good Person at either end of a scale but are a mixture of good and bad.

PomegranateQueen · 28/04/2021 07:58

I was bullied relentlessly at primary school. It's one of the main contributors of my low self esteem as an adult. There is a part of me that would love to see the people who made my childhood hell squirm.
But what benefit does it bring to the OP to bring it up now? She has presumably been at this gym longer than OP and if she has changed or just not shown her true colours then OP does run the risk of looking like the bad guy to people who were not witness to the bullying. Unless she starts causing trouble for her at this gym, which would be seriously unprofessional, then what would the OP get from confronting her?

CrazyNeighbour · 28/04/2021 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deathraystare · 28/04/2021 16:27

@NameChangedForThisFeb21

Brilliant response from Sarah Millican! I do love her!!!

NameChangedForThisFeb21 · 28/04/2021 16:53

[quote Deathraystare]**@NameChangedForThisFeb21

Brilliant response from Sarah Millican! I do love her!!![/quote]

Yeah she’s great!

Flip

1 2 3 4