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Original poster

Dc shoved a child at school

78 replies

NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 00:09

Ds (9) was at school when a peer called DS 'useless at everything'. This upset ds and he retaliated by shoving the peer, unfortunately this meant that the peer made contact with some railings which were nearby. Peer was unhurt, thankfully, and ds immediately said sorry. I found out some 24 hours later, and have given ds a strongly worded telling off.
I can't help but think (privately) that ds was provoked, and that the peer who called him 'useless' was goading. He shouldn't have been shoved, but I can understand DS becoming upset and annoyed.
I have taken away DS's tv, cancelled after school and weekend activities and have talked at him for hours about how what he has done constitutes assault, and how he needs to behave in future. He plans to apologise again tomorrow and is genuinely remorseful.
I am getting it in the neck from the other childs parent who has said her ds was being 'silly' and that my ds was 'viscous'.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:
romdowa · 23/04/2021 00:11

Your child said sorry and you've punished him, what more does the other childs parent want ? A public flogging? A week in the stocks?

quarentini · 23/04/2021 00:13

You need to help your child deal better with " hurtful words' maybe teach him to walk away and report to a teacher.
Violence is not the answer .
You have spoken to him and punished him.
I wouldn't dwell on it.
You have dealt with it .

EvilOnion · 23/04/2021 00:14

It sounds like you're doing all you can, in fact I probably wouldn't have cancelled weekend activities tbh, and all your DS can do is apologise which he's already done.

The other parent is being ridiculous - no it shouldn't have happened but you're both acknowledging that and it doesn't sound like a vicious attack or anything.

Planningobjection · 23/04/2021 00:14

Tell the other Mum to speak to the school. It’s likely been dealt with there and you’re dealing with it at home. He’s remorseful and you’ve told him that words should not stimulate a physical response. Nothing more to do but send her on her way.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 00:16

@quarentini We have discussed at length the alternative actions he could take which have included;

Asking his peer to desist
Walking away to another part of the school/playground
Speaking to an adult and making them aware
Controlling emotions and reactions

OP posts:
BluePheasant · 23/04/2021 00:17

Honestly? You're over reacting and the other parent is being very precious and self-righteous about it all. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill Hmm

ineedaholidaynow · 23/04/2021 00:20

The parent shouldn’t be contacting you. If they have an issue they should be taking it up with school

TSBelliot · 23/04/2021 00:20

Honestly, I think you have done too much - he obviously isn’t vicious as he is just an upset 9 year old. It has been dealt with at school presumably, I would leave the punishment there and do the talking at home. Did that push come on the back of one comment or after more systematic bullying?
The other child’s mother doesn’t need to speak to you, it’s a school issue dealt with there and if she persisted I would tell her she is minimising the impact of her child’s goading. Privately I would think she is an arse - let me guess if your child said that and got shoved then you would think it was his fault too? That is what I would have said to mine but there are always parents whose little darlings can do no wrong.

AnnaSW1 · 23/04/2021 00:23

The other kid sounds like a little bully. The other parent should focus on sorting out their own child's behaviour first before worrying about yours.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 00:23

@BluePheasant I hope i'm not overreacting. I was approached by ds's teacher who was concerned, and then also by the peers parent at the school gates. It was not a very nice experience to be told your child is 'vicious' and, I am quoting here 'emotionally dis regulated' (parent, not teacher).

OP posts:
EvilOnion · 23/04/2021 00:26

I'd have struggled not to show her what unregulated emotion looked/sounded like!

Put it to the back of your mind and move on.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 00:26

@TSBelliot I believe it was a one off comment, and you are right-if DS had said that to a peer I would tell him he got what he deserved frankly. We don't use unkind words, or are physically violent. I have an almost visceral reaction to bullying having been bullied at school for years.

OP posts:
MrsJemimaDuck · 23/04/2021 00:28

Did your child shove Dudley Dursley? It seems like he might have.

stewandtoast · 23/04/2021 00:30

Tbh, you don't want to go at your kid too much. It's actually quite good that he showed he can defend himself and back it up if needs be. Don't punish this out of him.

He said sorry, Bloody hell you practically grounded the 9 year old. And Atleast next time the other kid won't be trying to goad and say hurtful things.

Keepitnerdy · 23/04/2021 00:42

I would be worried about how he reacted to being called useless at everything he might feel like he is failing or something or not living up to expectations. Maybe spend the weekend bonding and working on his self esteem, you've already punished him and spoken to him and he has apologised.

BluePheasant · 23/04/2021 00:44

It just all sounds a bit much. A serious chat about it, yes. Maybe banning TV for that day. But "talking at him for hours" and taking away all his activities for the rest of the week. He retaliated in response to being upset by a bully. Your reaction is as though he was the one being the bully.

Perhaps the teacher was just concerned as it was out of character for your DS. My only concern would be to keep a close eye on the other boy and speak to school of you feel he is picking on your son. I certainly wouldn't take any notice of anything the other parent says, she sounds ridiculous.

denverRegina · 23/04/2021 00:45

"The peer"? What is all this?

SionnachRua · 23/04/2021 00:47

Why are you disciplining your kid for this? He said sorry. Other mother is a bit cracked by the sounds of it but that's not your child's fault.

Also, the teacher may have spoken to you because she knows that the other parent will fly off the handle and wanted to give you a proper rundown of what happened, lest your child be accused of stabbing her darling with a paintbrush or whatever.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 00:48

@denverRegina it's just a term to describe someone who is a peer to ds, to avoid confusion. Not a big deal

OP posts:
Original poster
NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 00:51

@Keepitnerdy he has good self-esteem, and we are well bonded. No worries on that front thankfully

OP posts:
HelgaDownUnder · 23/04/2021 01:15

The other child is being a cry-bully and the parents are supporting it.

It's not on to declare your child's hurtful actions 'silly' and the response 'vicious. If anything the comments made were far more damaging than a little shove.

I would 100% go in to bat for my DC with these parents. Their child needs to learn not to say such hurtful things, or to expect strong responses from their victims if they can't learn to keep their mouth shut.

SionnachRua · 23/04/2021 01:22

Yep. Classic case of talk shit, get hit.

caramellia · 23/04/2021 01:38

Vice versa you would tell your child he deserved what was coming but you are punishing him like he is vicious. It's so flipping hard to know what to do now you will be judged as too hard or too soft either way.

Original poster
NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 03:59

I will have a talk with DS in the morning and will reassure him that all is well, he went to bed after a cuddle and a chat and seemed happy if a bit subdued.

I will rescind some of the sanctions, such as the tv but will avoid the weekend activity as the other child and his parents will be there too most likely Confused.

Thank you for the salient advice thus far. I am all for raising a gentle child but not a complete pushover

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 23/04/2021 04:08

I would tell the other parent , he’s apologised, we have defined consequences for his behaviour, what are you doing about your child? I haven’t seen any apology, words hurt too.

I’d be disappointed in my child but also raging at the other parents hypocrisy.

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