Dc shoved a child at school

[NoEffingWay]

Ds (9) was at school when a peer called DS 'useless at everything'. This upset ds and he retaliated by shoving the peer, unfortunately this meant that the peer made contact with some railings which were nearby. Peer was unhurt, thankfully, and ds immediately said sorry. I found out some 24 hours later, and have given ds a strongly worded telling off.
I can't help but think (privately) that ds was provoked, and that the peer who called him 'useless' was goading. He shouldn't have been shoved, but I can understand DS becoming upset and annoyed.
I have taken away DS's tv, cancelled after school and weekend activities and have talked at him for hours about how what he has done constitutes assault, and how he needs to behave in future. He plans to apologise again tomorrow and is genuinely remorseful.
I am getting it in the neck from the other childs parent who has said her ds was being 'silly' and that my ds was 'viscous'.
Any thoughts?

Omg. Stop the press. Your ds shoved a kid, who’s been goading him. The mother sounds like a bully.

As for being spoken to by the mother at the school gates, I hope that is the end to it. If it isn’t and she continues to target you on school grounds, this is bullying and you can complain to the school about her.

I don’t understand the need to talk to your ds for ages or to sanction him. The school will have disciplined him already I presume. Your job it to teach your ds to use his words rather than his body. Talking at him for ages / pushing him to talk like you seem to have done will have the opposite effect. You should be helping him to find his voice. Or at the very least stand up for himself in another way.

My dd also has an inability to stand up for herself. She’s getting better. She’s 12 now and yr8, there have been a lot of issues with friendships. I used to tell her to get along with everyone in primary. Things changed at secondary. And I told her, if she tells her former best friend (who was awful, bullying, spread lies, stole money, prevented her from making other friends, long back story) to fuck off, I will have no issue. And if she gets into trouble at school over said child, I would support her... not that she has or would.

It sounds like you’re still scared of this family’s reaction if you won’t go to the activity this weekend. I think a lot of your reaction to what happened is in relation to the woman going for you. A 9yo child shoving another child, who’s just upset them doesn’t make them vicious or emotionally dis regulated. It makes them human and a child, a work in progress. I hope you can now see they have got to your child through you. Please don’t let them.

The other mum needs to sort out her own house before starting on someone else's. Ask her to detail the steps she is taking to stop her child dishing out verbal attacks as you are worried her vicious little darling might do it again.

I have taken away DS's tv, cancelled after school and weekend activities and have talked at him for hours about how what he has done constitutes assault, and how he needs to behave in future. He plans to apologise again tomorrow and is genuinely remorseful.

I had to read this a few times to check I had it right!

OP your poor little boy. You've completely over-reacted (maybe influenced by your experience of bullying as a child?).

Your child reacted to a nasty comment. Not a great reaction, but all that was needed was a conversation (short!) about how to handle it better, hurting not the answer etc.

Did the teacher get involved & deal with it? If so, other than talking to him, it's a school matter.

Please reinstate his activities & TV. Say to him that you thought about it & realised you'd over-reacted. It's fine to make mistakes - kids & adults!

As for the mum, she sounds cut from the same cloth as the child. Do not get your DS to apologise again. He said sorry. That's enough. Clearly tell the other mum that what her son said was unacceptable. If she has any further issues, she should take it up with the school.

Your DS isn't a bully - the other boy is certainly displaying bullying behaviour. He lost his temper. He needs to have better strategies next time.

Good luck!

will avoid the weekend activity as the other child and his parents will be there too most likely

Don't do this. That's giving in to the mother's bullying behaviour.

Go to the activity. Ignore boy as much as you can. Don't make a big deal of it.

and have talked at him for hours

Really?! A 9 year old, hours?!
Did you bore him to sleep? You're being way over the top. Give your poor DS a break ffs. He said sorry. You've gone too far. Drop it or he'll resent you and realize you have not got his back so to speak.

@AnnaSW1

The other kid sounds like a little bully. The other parent should focus on sorting out their own child's behaviour first before worrying about yours.

^^ this Is the other child being spoken to about verbal bullying? Parent shouldn’t be contacting you either, they need to go to the school.

I think the punishment of your DC is going a bit far, how many days punishment is he receiving for this- seems a bit OTT for a first offence.

I agree with @EarringsandLipstick.
Take your ds to the activity and ignore the mum.
It's obvious where her dc gets his nasty words from.

I have taken away DS's tv, cancelled after school and weekend activities and have talked at him for hours about how what he has done constitutes assault
That is way over the top and the sanction going on and on is not appropriate for a 9 year old.
I would have told the other mother to tell her child to stop being a bully in response to her actions to.

I wouldn’t punish for this. I’d be sympathetic to DS for being on the receiving end of verbal bullying and would focus on giving him the tools to deal with it appropriately.

Playground fisticuffs have happened forever and the situation as described is a really common one. Goady child > physical reaction > telling off for the child who reacted. We expect children to not react physically, but they need help knowing what to do/dealing with that emotion.

School needs to be on top of both sides of it and the sanctimonious mother needs to tell her child to stop being a goady brat rather than diving for the nearest fainting couch.

@NoEffingWay

I will have a talk with DS in the morning and will reassure him that all is well, he went to bed after a cuddle and a chat and seemed happy if a bit subdued.

I will rescind some of the sanctions, such as the tv but will avoid the weekend activity as the other child and his parents will be there too most likely .

Thank you for the salient advice thus far. I am all for raising a gentle child but not a complete pushover

I personally, wouldn't be punishing your child at all. I certainly wouldn't now be starting to remove your child from activities because of this child potentially attending, as uncomfortable that may make you. Yes it would be preferable to handle such situations differently than shoving, but also not entirely unreasonable.

It sounds as though you're overreacting because you were bullied and have gone to extremes with punishing your son for something rather minor, not helped by this other child's mother being a bit precious. I wouldn't be avoiding any activities, even if the other child is going to be there. Whilst you need to be clear on the behaviours you expect from your son, you need to be there for him and back him up a little more - this other kids and his mother sound quite unpleasant. You've already talked at him for hours, I think thats punishment enough. Time to move on now.

She's overreacting massively. Your DS has apologized, you have discussed it with him, you have punished him. He isn't the first kid to do that and I'm sure he will learn from it.

If she mentions it again, I would say 'DS has apologized and been punished at home. He is remorseful and I've no doubt he will not react like this again in future. I also hope that your DS will think twice before speaking unkindly to other children'.

*I will rescind some of the sanctions, such as the tv but will avoid the weekend activity as the other child and his parents will be there too most likely confused."

You have way overreacted on this, but it's important you continue to support him with his weekend activities. If you stay away, this is the perfect opportunity to discuss and shame your boy with other parents. Some will ignore but some will listen, it doesn't sound like he is a bad kid, just a kid who made a poor decision. Do not let him get labelled, he stood of himself and now you need to stand tall , do not feed him to the wolves/bullies.

Apologies if my sanctions seemed over the top, but I still appreciate that DS could have caused a head injury by his actions, and I would be upset if I was in the other parent's shoes.

Physical aggression is not acceptable, and I don't want to reward this. Ae have discussed assertiveness as a tactic to deal with unpleasant behaviour from others.

Ds is kind, thoughtful, insightful and bright and I reward him for these behaviours frequently.

In my profession I see the effect of ineffectual and pandering parenting frequently and I will not fall info the trap of not recognising the reality of poor behaviour. I do apologise for my mistakes.

He has lost the tv for one night, and can't go to his sporting activity on Saturday. It's hardly Dickinson!

I still appreciate that DS could have caused a head injury by his actions. Did your son understand the consequences of his actions at the time he reacted?

It was not a very nice experience to be told your child is 'vicious' and, I am quoting here 'emotionally dis regulated' (parent, not teacher).

I have an almost visceral reaction to bullying having been bullied at school for years.

In my profession I see the effect of ineffectual and pandering parenting frequently and I will not fall info the trap of not recognising the reality of poor behaviour.

I think you need to calm down and focus on your child, not the other parent, not your childhood bullying and not these people from your work.

You're making this about you, not your child. They are nine - below the age of criminal responsibility in the UK, and the age is low in the UK. I think you are over-reacting, at the moment this is a one-off error made by a young child. Don't over-blow it. Just tell him you prefer him to walk away rather than get physical - if it never happens again you haven't got a problem.

In my profession I see the effect of ineffectual and pandering parenting frequently and I will not fall info the trap of not recognising the reality of poor behaviour. I do apologise for my mistakes.

It seems like you're going to the opposite extreme to me. He's not going to be a hardened street criminal over one push that he was goaded into.

@NoEffingWay
In my profession I see the effect of ineffectual and pandering parenting frequently and I will not fall info the trap of not recognising the reality of poor behaviour. I do apologise for my mistakes.

Then I think that you need to apologise to your child them, for not getting their position either and focussing on your issues.

Hours of talking and punishment over a period of days does seem quite extreme for a relatively minor school spat. You've drilled up to 11 when 2 or 3 would have been more appropriate imo

If the other mother brings it up again, ask when her child is going to apologise for being so unpleasant to yours.

There is 'pandering parenting' and then there is fair parenting. What you've done isn't fair, it's completely over the top. If this is a one off, tv privileges removed for the night as well as the riot act read to him for hours is enough. If he does it again, then you can double down and remove various privileges. I'm interested to know what you're planning on doing about the school keeping an eye on this other pupil being nasty to your son - this isn't just about punishing what your son did, its about making sure he isn't being bullied. You can tell them to leave the situation until the cows come home, but some kids don't take that hint when they get pleasure from bullying others. I'd be quite resentful of you if I were your child.

I look forward to my shit mother of the year award. Cheers for the vote of confidence mumsnet

@NoEffingWay

I look forward to my shit mother of the year award. Cheers for the vote of confidence mumsnet

You asked for thoughts, they were given. I'm sorry they aren't what you wanted to hear.

Honestly? Just leave it now. He's 9. You don't need to talk to him any more about it.