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Original poster

Dc shoved a child at school

78 replies

NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 00:09

Ds (9) was at school when a peer called DS 'useless at everything'. This upset ds and he retaliated by shoving the peer, unfortunately this meant that the peer made contact with some railings which were nearby. Peer was unhurt, thankfully, and ds immediately said sorry. I found out some 24 hours later, and have given ds a strongly worded telling off.
I can't help but think (privately) that ds was provoked, and that the peer who called him 'useless' was goading. He shouldn't have been shoved, but I can understand DS becoming upset and annoyed.
I have taken away DS's tv, cancelled after school and weekend activities and have talked at him for hours about how what he has done constitutes assault, and how he needs to behave in future. He plans to apologise again tomorrow and is genuinely remorseful.
I am getting it in the neck from the other childs parent who has said her ds was being 'silly' and that my ds was 'viscous'.
Any thoughts?

OP posts:

Hangingover · 23/04/2021 07:24

Asking his peer to desist

I will rescind some of the sanctions

Do you watch a lot of police shows OP

KindnessCrusader · 23/04/2021 07:26

The kid that's put my 8 year old in first aid 15 times in 2 years, one requiring stitches to his face, always apologises too. His mother texts me with a reason why every time. I was way too relaxed about it until the last time.
I'm not saying that's the case here AT ALL (I'm probably just projecting!) I'm just trying to understand both sides. You've done the right thing. As for the other parent she's understandably upset but she should be taking her concerns to the school and not you.

tenlittlecygnets · 23/04/2021 07:29

The other mother sounds horrible. Did you ask her how she was going to punish her ds for his horrible comments to your ds? And yes, she shouldn't be talking to you about it; leave it to the teacher. Hopefully, being pushed will make her ds think twice before being nasty to anyone again.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/04/2021 07:29

He has lost the tv for one night, and can't * go to his sporting activity on Saturday. It's hardly Dickinson*

It's not, you're right.

But it's unjust. Especially as you admit part of the reason for avoiding the Saturday activity is that the other boy and his mother will be there.

How did you find out about what he did? Via your son or teacher?

If your son told you, I think it would be even more unfair to punish him & reduce the chance he'll tell you again.

He doesn't deserve a punishment, just guidance on appropriate responses. He also apologised at the time so knows he was wrong to push.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2021 07:31

Sorry but talking to your child for hours, giving him a ton of sanctions, taking him away from the activity, where he will likely be gossiped about by the bullying mother instead of advocating for your child is not going to win you any awards.

The way you have dealt with this is no less ineffectual than pandering to your child.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/04/2021 07:31

@NoEffingWay

I look forward to my shit mother of the year award. Cheers for the vote of confidence mumsnet

Ah no OP. Don't take it like this. You sound like a great mum. But you've just been harsh on your son, who was goaded by what sounds like a pretty unpleasant boy.

Original poster

NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 07:36

@Hangingover mental health professional specialising in offenders for the past twenty years, thankd

OP posts:

Yummymummy2020 · 23/04/2021 07:36

I am kind of divided here. I know it’s not nice to push but also it’s not nice to provoke others either and I’m wondering was this the first time? Could he have been annoying your child constantly and it resulted in this? To be honest my initial thought was good enough for him, little bully! But I know if it was a one off of course you can’t react with violence to everything. I do think the other parent is being ridiculous though!!! It won’t be the last time he gets a push with that carry on!

Indoctro · 23/04/2021 07:37

I would tell the other mum you have disciplined your son for pushing her child and hope that she has done the same for the name calling. Both children need told off.

Indoctro · 23/04/2021 07:39

Ps I do think the whole situation is OTT if that was my son I would of simply said come on don't do that, just tell the kid to go away . I'm not sure I would punish him as it's not really a big deal and I would tell the other mum to calm her pants .

Aliceandthemarchhare · 23/04/2021 07:41

@NoEffingWay

I look forward to my shit mother of the year award. Cheers for the vote of confidence mumsnet

It’s hard, you want to get the balance between not shrugging it off and supporting your child.

Said gently, I think the ‘talking at him for hours’ is a bit concerning. When this sort of thing happens I think it’s helpful to think how we’d feel as adults. We all arse up sometimes!

I think with behaviour having a conversation with the child is good. But then I think what is really helpful is to then move the conversation on - with children hour DS age I might say something like ‘are you going to your grandma’s this weekend?’ ‘Anything good on TV tonight?’ Just something that indicates okay, we’ve dealt with your behaviour, we are moving on and are friends again

MsSquiz · 23/04/2021 07:54

No one (from what I can see) has called you a shit mother. But many do think that your consequences are too much for the behaviour.

Your DS reacted to unkind words and pushed the other kid. His first instinct was not to cry "but he said..." it was to apologise and accept that he had done wrong. I would say that's pretty decent of a 9 year old.

You are taking the punishment to the extreme because you have experience of working with people who have had zero punishment and consequences for their behaviour and you don't want your DS to end up in that position.

He apologised and was obviously sad about the situation in school, and then had privileges (multiple) removed and a long talk about assault.
If I were in your situation I would have removed tv the night of the situation and asked him what made him so angry that he lashed out. Why did being called "useless" by another kid hurt him so much? And what could be done if it happened again?

Original poster

NoEffingWay · 23/04/2021 07:56

@Aliceandthemarchhare thank you, and point taken.

In reality I have spoken to him a few times over the course of the day, but will definitely try to limit the discussion in the future to a time-limited and concise period of time.

It's the first time (since the nibbling in the nursery years) we have had this to deal with. It has taken up more time as had to pass the information on to my ex-h and then I spent some more time worrying about the best course of action!

My career is very discussion based, and I can get very verbose when it comes to analysing behaviour and the reasons why someone acts in a certain way. I will try to reign it in when parenting but I think my work brain engaged. My work-life is about assessing risk.

Ds is fine, happy and said he is 'chilled' (and did a dab ).

OP posts:

EarringsandLipstick · 23/04/2021 07:59

I can be like this too! I see my kids' eyes glaze over...

Are you going to row back on the consequences?

You son is not going to become a hardened criminal, one shove or not!

beela · 23/04/2021 08:07

Op my ds ended up in a similar situation yesterday too, he was provoked to the point where he physically pushed the other child away. However, the other child's mum got to him before me and shouted at him until he was crying and shaking. A whole can of worms there

EarringsandLipstick · 23/04/2021 08:08

@beela

That's awful 😲

What do some parents think they are doing, attacking other children? Surely they can talk to the teacher, like an adult.

Sceptre86 · 23/04/2021 09:35

If the other parent raises it again you might want to point out that words can hurt too and that their kid has a vicious tongue and needs to control it. Violence is not the answer but is sticking up for yourself really a bad thing? Your child shoved the other, he didn't punch him! Your child has been punished enough, the main thing is to get across that retaliating with violence isn't a good idea and a teacher should be told is said child is being horrible to him or that he should have verbal retorts ready.

Coronawireless · 23/04/2021 09:42

Your DS sounds like a nice kid who was provoked. Step back from the actual incident and look at what’s going on overall.
Why is he being called useless? Was this a one-off insult or is it ongoing? Is he actually “useless”? If so, in what way and why?
Does he have friends? If not, why not and does he want some?
How can you quietly but persistently investigate and help him with all of this?

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/04/2021 09:53

It is important not to pander to parents, who think the Earth revolves around their child(ren). They do not make the best parents and tend to have dodgy boundaries themselves.

I learnt this the hard way. Advocate for your child, not for the child, whose parents have dodgy boundaries.

I’m getting a sense you’re trying to parent your ds how you think these older children should have been parented. Reacting with violence is far more common with under 10’s due to impulse control. That’s why a 9 yo isn’t at the age of criminality. I get 9 is nearly 10. But it isn’t 10. Your ds is yr3 or 4. That’s so young.

Mirrormirror775 · 23/04/2021 09:55

Because this happened at school, really the school needs to deal with it. If they’re good, they will and they will effectively. Can you talk to the school about what happened?

The other child was bullying your dc, after all.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/04/2021 10:09

Is her little poppet getting no consequences for calling your son useless. Maybe she wants to also look at how her own child is behaving.
I trust the school gave him a stern telling off, too.

FlyingBurrito · 23/04/2021 10:15

It has taken up more time as had to pass the information on to my ex-h and then I spent some more time worrying about the best course of action!

Is that normal? I'm a single parent and I've never bothered my ex with any kind of school issues. I trust my own judgement and have no desire to get into any kind of conversation with him. He doesn't live locally so doesn't have any contact with the school. Am I in the minority, it's actually never occured to me to pass on that kind of info.

Profiterolegirl · 23/04/2021 10:22

It doesn't sound like anything really. We go to the village playpark regularly. Every single day one of the children there will push another child at some point. 'Oi, stop that, say you are sorry' from whoever is in charge of that child is adequate. Then move on. And I wouldn't be referring to anybody else's child as vicious because they had pushed my child. She should stop that.

BluePheasant · 23/04/2021 11:20

I think you should go to the activity on Saturday. Surely if you don't that's sending a message that the bully wins? He gets to go despite his actions, yet your DS doesn't.

Esio · 23/04/2021 11:24

Has anyone told this parent that if your DS is "vicious" for pushing, her DC is going to get their arse handed to them on a plate come secondary school?

Support your DS to walk away from DC making hurtful (or even "vicious"?) comments and tell the parent to raise their concerns with the school.

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