Would I be completely mad

[Mammymar]

To have another baby at 40/41. I'm happily married 15 years, together 22 years. We have 3dc aged 9,11 and almost 13. I'm a SAHM and we have our own home, financially secure. DH had a vasectomy when I had out youngest as we thought we were finished but both us us are broody the last couple of years. We go back and forward and I don't know what to do.

Why do you want to?

I love children, enjoyed being pregnant and I've a happy, loving secure marriage as well as three great children.

In 4 year's time you will have 3 teenagers. Do you want to add a preschooler to the mix?

With a new dh I had a dc at 43. Youngest was 6.. No regrets at all. 10 year gap? Maybe not.

I’m TTC at nearly 41 and yes, you’d be mad.

Mainly because your odds of getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having a healthy baby are much, much lower at this age.

I’m only doing it thanks to only meeting my man at 39 and having our miracle baby at 40. I would’ve had a brood at 30 given the chance.

I suppose I've never really struggled with child rearing up until this point anyway, fingers crossed. I had three under 4 but I loved it. I I'm a very maternal type of person and I'm always the first Aunt to be asked to mind nieces/nephews which I love.

I wouldn't. I think sometimes when you sense everything is changing it is tempting to go back to what you know instead of exploring the new possibilities a different life stage brings.

I wouldn’t personally just because the gap from my eldest to youngest is 7 years (3dc) and am so enjoying things feeling a bit easier again not having an under 5.
I also feel that at 13 my eldest dd, and presumably the others when they get there, whilst physically more independent, needs a lot of time and emotional support.

I would also have a sense of ‘not pushing my luck’ in terms of having healthy children. You always have to be prepared they may have disabilities especially with your ages.

Plus the whole body/tummy thing

And financially.... a child who may be at uni when you’re both 60? Obviously totally doable but not ideal

Would you consider child minding or foster caring?

You’ve not really mentioned the impact on your existing children....

They might love it, they may not. It would have inevitable impact on your ability to spend focused time with them

What about fostering?

@RuggeryBuggery,totally get what you say about not pushing my luck. I think that's the one thing that's holding me back. I've have three healthy children and it's all been straightforward so far.

There's 'child rearing' and there is 'parenting teenagers'. I only had two teenagers and neither of them gave me any major trouble but DH & I still found it very difficult at times with all their requirements.
If I had a child nine years younger on top I'm not sure where they would have fitted in.

But only you know whether it's doable. The eldest could drive the youngest to school though, and you wouldn't need babysitters. That would be good looking at the advantages.

I have previously childminded children in my own home until Covid-19. My Aunt is a Foster parent and I don't think it's something I would like to do. We have discussed it with children and they are on board with if we go ahead.

I had a very strong sense of pushing my luck too when I thought about having a third, then DH had a vasectomy so that was that. I'm glad he did, because otherwise I think it might be a lingering regret.

Is a vasectomy easily reversible, and likely to be successful? I think there's a big difference between 'letting' it happen, and going as far as having a vasectomy reversed, that's very intentional and you'd have to be very sure to go in that direction.

I think I'd also be concerned that the youngest child would feel very separate from the much older siblings. I think that's the reason my friends had two kids...then quite a number of years later, another two.

Do a pro's and con's list.

Pro's

A lovely baby of course.

Your older dc will get a lot out of experiencing life with a baby.

Con's.

Teens going through exams and first jobs and relationships whilst looking after a baby would be hard.

Older dc maybe resent the younger child. It's not as easy to do holidays or days out when you have to consider the needs of a baby. They'll have to be quiet while baby sleeps. Don't assume they'll want to babysit.

You'll need a bigger car.

If you are stating to enjoy having a bit more time to yourself that will be gone for at least another 10 years. You could be a grandma by then and needed again.

Sleep deprivation is a lot harder when you're older. Especially if you also have older children. In a way, teens can be a lot more demanding on your time than toddlers.

I've done a lot more con's than pro's but that's just my opinion. Do what's right for you and your family, op.

@BettysCardigan, we have been in touch with a clinic regarding reversal and went through the initial consultation last year before Covid 19. The last year has been so crazy we put it on hold. Its definately ver intentional and that worries me, if it was a case of just happening it ould é n easier decision if that makes sense.

@LagneyandCasey,yes definately a good idea to do a pros and cons. Lots of valid points on your cons list.

Apologies for all the typos

You’re coming up to really the most vital time in your children’s lives - the preteen through teenage years are (arguably) much harder to get through now than they have been for several generations. Your children will need your time, your focused attention and your emotional/financial support in many different ways in years to come that you probably don’t even properly imagine yet.

I don’t think it’s fair to bring a baby into it, tbh. You will need your resources (mental and physical) for the children you already have.

I think you'd be mad to go back to the baby stage when your kids are reaching that age of independence and not relying on you for everything.
Word of warning: I know 2 families who had a baby a good number of years after their older children and they both ended up having another one after that because they felt like their youngest was going to grow up almost as an only child because of the big age gap.
Also, do you want to have a child potentially going to uni (with associated costs) and still living at home when you might want to be thinking about retirement.

It’s important to make sure you’re not avoiding the addressing the question ‘who am in now I’m redundant as a sahm?’ Answer that question throughly, make a five year plan and then chose between that plan and parenting a little cutie baby.

I really don't see myself as a redundant SAHM to be honest. I would still need to drop and collect my children to school for another couple of years at least. I have no plans to return to work.

I think it’s a combination of approaching 40 and that “now or never” last gasp biological/hormonal drive to just have one more while you still can, and being a SAHM to children who don’t physically need you in the same way as little ones. Personally I think you’d be utterly mad and be disadvantaging your older 3 by tying yourself to a baby/toddler again.

It is a now or never feeling. I don't want to regret not having one more but then I don't want to risk the very nice life I have now with DC and DH.