Would I be completely mad

[Mammymar]

To have another baby at 40/41. I'm happily married 15 years, together 22 years. We have 3dc aged 9,11 and almost 13. I'm a SAHM and we have our own home, financially secure. DH had a vasectomy when I had out youngest as we thought we were finished but both us us are broody the last couple of years. We go back and forward and I don't know what to do.

Own not only

We had a 4th DC when I was 38 with older DC at very similar ages as yours OP. I succumbed to my ovaries screaming at me ‘just one more’ .

I would say DON’T DO IT! Of course I absolutely love the bones of DC4 and wouldn’t be without him but if I’d never had him or I hadn’t know of his existence (iukwim), things would have been a damn sight easier!

Babies/toddlers take up an awful lot of time that teens could really do with at such a pivotal time in their lives. Being knackered as well as dealing with the trials and tribulations of tweens/teens is not great either, especially the taxiing about and late night pick ups. The baby waking them up in the night. The extra washing coinciding with when the older ones start changing their clothes 3 times a day after wearing something for an hour and chucking it in the washing. Trying to feed the fussy toddler when you want to enjoy more ‘grown up’ meals. Spending ££s on formula (I intended to bf but ended up giving up at 8 weeks due to school pickups and just being too busy to sit down for hours!) and nappies which could be better spent on activities/school trips/tutors for older DC. You’ll need all the baby stuff from scratch which is very expensive. Holidays go from starting to be fun as you could relax a bit with older DC back to not much fun with early wakings, screeching on planes and having to get back to the apartment for bath and bed. Etc, etc. There are positives too of course but it really was a step back for us. I’ve also had to do 20 years at the primary school gates and we now have 3 adult DC and a 10 year old who is like an only child but also old beyond his years due to being exposed to his siblings influence, and not in a good way sometimes!

Going from 3 to 4 was also much harder than I expected. At times I just couldn’t keep up with where they were at ‘at’ in terms of school stuff, friendships and just their general health and well-being. I used to be terrified I’d miss something or drop the ball.

Plan the holiday of a lifetime or take up a new hobby .

I wouldn’t (and I speak as someone who had her first and only at 42). You sound as if you’d make fantastic foster parent, though.

I think I’d be worried that the youngest wouldn’t have the same bond with the older three as they have with each other.

Would the idea of working another decade to pay for it all not put you off at least a bit. It's what did it for me.

I'm 50 now and only a couple of years away from them starting to leave the nest. I can't wait for some time as a couple. Particularly after the last 2 years.

You sound like me, OP. We had 3 (15,11 &7) and really wrestled with the decision to have no4. Got pregnant at 41 and conceived beautiful, healthy twins who are now 8.

The best decision of my life

@MeridasMum,oh wow, that's lovely to hear, glad you made the right decision.
@Wallywobbles,we are financially secure so I don't ever have to return to work if I don't want to.
@DroopyDaff, thank you for sharing your experience, it's definately a lot to think about.

@justjuggling

I think I’d be worried that the youngest wouldn’t have the same bond with the older three as they have with each other.

I’m the youngest of four with a big age gap between the three eldest and me, and this is true. They are very close to each other (two years between them), and while I’m close to them, and we get on well, there’s still that gap.

I also had the same experience as a PP describes of effectively being an only child by age 12 as they had all left home for university and didn’t really come back.

Going against the grain here.

Go for it. I’ve a large gap with my siblings and there was no real negative impact for me, my parents enjoyed starting over again, it was a positive thing for our family. Two of my close friends had a similar situation with a new baby arriving when they were 14 and 16 and they all doted on their younger siblings. I’m of the age where I’ve friends who had surprise babies at 40 or older, thinking they were done. They’ve had a universally lovely experience and again, the older siblings love the baby and everything they add to the family.

If this is what you really want, go for it and don’t be put off by the opinions of MNers. Taking ubiquinol would be a good idea when TTC to improve the quality of your eggs.

Yes! Go for it. Sounds like you will regret it if you don’t. I only had two and still wish I’d have more.

I understand a lot of people being concerned about possible birth defects, how my children would cope with a younger sibling, parenting teens and a toddler etc. I'm naturally a very calm down to earth person. I've never found that having children or being a SAHM has impacted my life in a negative way. I really enjoy being a mother. I still have my hobbies and see friends etc. Myself and DH make time for each other but we also equally enjoy doing things with our children, days out, movie nights, playing board games. My children are all brilliant kids, no issues with school, behaviour, health etc. I've a lovely, caring, helpful husband who is my best friend. Our family is very much united and a little team. We are financially secure, already have a 7 seater car and have space for a baby. Myself and DH are healthy. Both my Grandmothers had babies in their 40's, one at 43 and one at 47.

I had my 3rd last year at 40.

Other two are 18 and 7.

It's fabulous.

My children are all close. 18 and 7 year old adore each other and bicker like they are close in age and They both adore the baby.

God I can’t relate at all sorry can’t think of much worse. Am 45 Kids early teens we can do so much as a family with them and feel I really have my life back. Why on earth would you want to go backwards?

Your current life sounds idyllic. Why on earth would you want to change it by introducing a little bomb into the middle? (in reality that is what pregnancy, a new baby, and 6 years of broken nights / toddler tantrums / etc would be). It also might bring love, hope, gentle appreciation of everything that is family... but it would the the former that would create the havoc!

dh and I had a similar debate when youngest dc was 7. We each (separately) write down pros and cons, then compared lists. I was a little heartbroken because dh's conclusion (having done his pros and cons) was that we should stick where we were. My list was similar but the conclusion was to go for it. tbh I could not disagree with any of his pros and cons, nor could I disagree with his conclusion. I think my list had more emotional bias.

However, for me (from about 2 years after that difficult decision) I was totally happy that our decision had been to stay as we were. One dc developed mh issues (totally unexpected and needing lots and lots and lots of time and input), I left a stressful employment situation and set up my own business, we've had family adventures holidays in Asia and family sailing holidays in the Caribbean (both would have been almost impossible with another younger child), we've been able to support aging parents when they needed us.

The above, also sounds idyllic, but it wasn't. Dealing with teens and elderly parents simultaneously stretched every ounce of our time, patience, resolve. Of course we would have 'coped' if a baby was added into the mix, but for us, it was much better to have remained as were are.

I also think it's interesting that you discussed the possibility with your dc. It's good, in that you're taking their opinions into account, but it's also unrealistic. They have no earthly idea about the impact of this decision. It's like asking whether you should get a puppy, every doe-eyed person (adult or teenager or child) will say 'yes'. Then who ends up taking the pup / dog out at night in the cold and dark and rain?

You can tell from this, my answer would be 'no'. So what else can you do? What other exciting joint projects can you, your dh, your family get involved in?

I had my last at 40. Don’t think it’s a massive issue these days. Good luck. Sounds like it’s what you really want so go for it.

@Poorlykitten,thank you

@Mammymar

You respond positively to a couple of line answers that confirm your opinion. You clearly want to do this.

Don't know why I bothered to post my experience.

@Mammymar your children are still young. You haven’t even started to hit the rough bit yet. You have absolutely no idea what might come up over the next 10 years as they all go through teenagehood. You have no idea if they will sail through it and into young adulthood. It is likely to be an extremely difficult time for at least one, if not all, of them.

I do think you would be mad to have another child. I think it’d be hugely unfair on the children you already have. And I think it’d be unfair on you and your husband too.

I really would caution against it.

She’s perfectly entitled to make her own decision. Posting your position doesn’t mean she has to follow it. Plus her experience will be very different from yours. Maybe posting and asking for advice have clarified her thoughts more? It can be helpful to make you realise how strongly you feel about something.

Mammymar

You respond positively to a couple of line answers that confirm your opinion. You clearly want to do this.

Don't know why I bothered to post my experience.

THIS.

Could be just your extremely self-assured tone but you sound rather smug too.

Giving something back to the community might be a good move and help you address your feelings of broodiness.

@Poorlykitten Obviously OP is entitled to make her own decision.🙄

Do you understand what ‘caution against’ means?

• I’m sharing my opinion, as the mother of two grown up children, five years ahead of where OP is now, and with a very clear understanding, from my own experience and that of other parents I know, of what it’s like to bring up teenagers in today’s world and get them properly set up and established in life. I’m giving my considered opinion, which is that I would strongly caution against. I’m not going to jump up and down and say ‘go for it, it’ll be lovely’ just because babies are cute.

@Ninkanink my post wasn’t replying to you.

It doesn’t matter if it was directed at me or not.

OP asked for opinions. People have given them. People can qualify their position and/or challenge OP’s position because that is the nature of robust discussion.

OP will make her own decision and I doubt anyone was demanding otherwise. It’s pretty obvious what she really wants to do, and maybe it’ll all work out brilliantly.

(Apologies, I’m sounding more combative than I mean to! It’s obviously time to snuggle into bed with my bedtime tea.)