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Original poster

Would I be completely mad

81 replies

Mammymar · 20/04/2021 12:32

To have another baby at 40/41. I'm happily married 15 years, together 22 years. We have 3dc aged 9,11 and almost 13. I'm a SAHM and we have our own home, financially secure. DH had a vasectomy when I had out youngest as we thought we were finished but both us us are broody the last couple of years. We go back and forward and I don't know what to do.

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Sparklingbrook · 20/04/2021 13:46

When my two were younger I used to look at teenagers and wonder how difficult could it be to parent them. They would be self sufficient and I would have loads of time. But that never happened. It was absolutely full on and the time I spent driving them about was unreal. It’s more mental load with them but I found it hard work.

BettysCardigan · 20/04/2021 13:46

Honestly I wouldn't risk it. The impact on all of you if the unexpected happens...it could be twins or triplets, or be born with disabilities requiring lifelong care. I don't want to sound heartless but I'm very much of the 'appreciate what you have now' mindset.

Original poster
Mammymar · 20/04/2021 13:50

Thank you all for your advice. It has really put things into perspective for me. I think it would be mad to risk it all. I've been so lucky with pregnancies and the children I already have.Smile

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Bluedeblue · 20/04/2021 13:51

Yes, you would be completely mad! I think this because :

  1. You already have 3 healthy children (don't push your luck).
  1. Having a baby at your age carries a high risk of birth defects : think about how hugely this would impact your current perfect family.
  1. You're about to deal with the teenage years for 3 children - full of angst & drama.
  1. Don't underestimate how hard the late teens years are as they transition to University /adult life. They aren't off your hands at 18 (not that you'd want them to be, but you know what I mean). I've done a total of 6 flat moves for two adult children, as they each went through Uni. I am still financially helping my 24 year old (no fault of his own - Covid meant jobs in his field have dried up, despite him having a Masters).
  1. As things are, you could be holidaying with your DH, child free, at the age of 50. If you have a baby at 41, you will be almost 60 until you're able to get your life back. If you did have a baby with any serious defects, you might never get your life back.
  1. Vasectomy reversal doesn't sound pleasant.

I would count my blessings and look forward to getting some freedoms back.

Original poster
Mammymar · 20/04/2021 14:00

@Bluedeblue,yes you are totally correct. Myself and DH are starting to get some freedom back and would be nice to get more time with just the two of us in the future whilst we are still young and healthy to enjoy it. We have never had any family support so now that our DC are getting a bit older there's light at the end of the tunnel so to speak.

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Original poster
Mammymar · 20/04/2021 14:03

We are waiting on our little nephew to be born any day now so I will get my baby cuddles from him Grin

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Uriahpeep · 20/04/2021 14:04

I think i would ask your children if they mind being ‘baby sitters’ as suggested by another. I was the eldest of the family with considerable age gap and was frequently made to ‘babysit’ against my will, for nights out, school holidays, etc. It ruined my childhood and when I had my own family it felt like i had done it all before.

SnuggyBuggy · 20/04/2021 14:07

I think it comes down to how well do you think you would manage meeting the needs of children at such different stages?

Original poster
Mammymar · 20/04/2021 14:09

@Uriahpeep, I had the same experience as you. I had to mind my sister constantly from when I was 12. I missed out on fun things with friends and she honestly felt like my child. I would never expect my own dc to babysit if I had another baby, definately not fair on them.

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overwork · 20/04/2021 14:19

Doesn't sound like it's the OP's intention at all, but I was also surprised that a previous poster thought it would be reasonable to get the older kids to do the school run and babysitting - they're not there to take on your responsibilities.

LagneyandCasey · 20/04/2021 14:27

@overwork

Doesn't sound like it's the OP's intention at all, but I was also surprised that a previous poster thought it would be reasonable to get the older kids to do the school run and babysitting - they're not there to take on your responsibilities.
I've not seen that said at all. Quite the opposite.
Sparklingbrook · 20/04/2021 14:28

@overwork

Doesn't sound like it's the OP's intention at all, but I was also surprised that a previous poster thought it would be reasonable to get the older kids to do the school run and babysitting - they're not there to take on your responsibilities.
It was tongue in cheek. Just thinking about the ages of the children.
RowanAlong · 20/04/2021 14:33

If you are financially secure, love parenting and your DH is definitely on board, go for it!

Original poster
Mammymar · 20/04/2021 14:42

@RowanAlong, yes everything you mentioned.

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overwork · 20/04/2021 14:55

@LagneyandCasey didn't you read sparkling brooks comment? That's exactly what it said. Though turns out it wasn't meant seriously.

CommunistLegoBloc · 20/04/2021 15:03

It sounds like you're struggling with children who don't 'need' you as much anymore. What will happen when this baby doesn't need you either? You can't keep having children to fill that gap. I'd honestly look at what you can do for you, to develop your own life and interests, rather than having another child.

Sparklingbrook · 20/04/2021 15:18

Massive apologies for tongue in cheek comment.
Although if the 17 year old wanted to do the school run fair play to them.

Original poster
Mammymar · 20/04/2021 15:32

@CommunistLegoBloc,I hear what you are saying but I'm not struggling with my kids needing me less now they are getting older. I know who I am, I am not lacking an identity. I have hobbies and friends. I'm not just sat at home pining that my children are becoming more independent. There are plenty of women who have children, hobbies, friends, social lives. I didn't give up any of these when I had my children. I have hot the most joy from being a mother.

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Original poster
Mammymar · 20/04/2021 15:32

Got

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ThatOtherPoster · 20/04/2021 15:38

Your own experience of looking after a sibling at 12 is interesting, seeing as you started looking into this last year when your oldest was 12. 🤔 I’d say you grew up almost programmed to want and expect this to happen to your own D.C.

I wouldn’t do it. I’d look for other ways to fill the time that opens up when your D.C. become teenagers. Could you do a child psychology course? Become a child therapist? Be a childminder again? Use your experience to start a blog to help other mums? There are ways to be around children in really positive ways that might be an even more amazing use of your brilliant maternal skills.

bambootle · 20/04/2021 15:52

I have a 16 year old and a 6 year old OP. I had my youngest at 40. I've really loved having another at this age (I struggled a lot more at 30 with my eldest). I'm in a different relationship now though and a much better place in so many ways. I've absolutely loved being a SAHM for a few years, which I couldn't do with my youngest as I was a single parent and working full-time out of necessity.

I don't think this is a decision that anyone can make for you. My point - wittering on about my own experience - is that I think you have to weigh up all the pros and cons given your personal situation, relationships (DH and older children) and experiences. You've loved being a mum, so doesn't sound like this is just a "broody thing" with nothing else to back it up (if that makes any sort of sense). But I get what others are saying about maybe looking forward to a different, less child-focused time of your life too and weighing that up. I don't think fear is the best reason not to do something though - posters talking about things going wrong with the pregnancy, etc... Of course they can, and I'd factor that in, but wouldn't let it be the deciding factor. Most of the friends I've made through DD are women about my age, many having had their first in their early 40s. I wouldn't let age in itself put you off.

SummerInSun · 20/04/2021 15:54

Your risk of a child with Downs Syndrome or similar is vastly higher at this age (1 in 70 at age 41). Are you willing to have a Panorama test or similar (they had to be done privately at the cost of about £500 when I had my last DC a few years ago, things may have moved on) and terminate a pregnancy if there is a problem like that? Or are you prepared to have a baby with a potentially severe disability, knowing the impact that will have on your other kids?

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, by the way, I'm just asking if you and your DH have properly thought it through?

GoWalkabout · 20/04/2021 16:03

The way I think about broodiness is that I might still feel broody after 5,6,7... its got to stop somewhere and where you are seems complete.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 20/04/2021 16:09

Personally I think you'd have to have two. Not only do you have the problem of the youngest basically being an only child, as pp have mentioned, but I suspect a lot of your current social circle is linked to your children. This means another child risks spending a lot of time with their siblings friends and feeling left out. At least if there was a similar-aged child they'd have company.

Original poster
Mammymar · 20/04/2021 16:20

@bambootle, thanks for sharing your only experience, I really appreciate hearing from somebody who has a large age gap.
@SummerInSun, no I wouldn't do additional screening for Downs and I wouldn't terminate a baby with Downs, that's not a deal breaker for us, already discussed with DH

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