"Empath" means "self-obsessed woo-accredited fool" ...

[SuziQuatrosFatNan]

... doesn't it?

Lot of armchair psychologists on this thread. Empathy is not a bad thing.

The combination of being too attuned to others deflecting their shame outwards is what exacerbates poor boundaries. Self awareness helps but deflecting responsibility back to where it belongs isnt easy for empaths with poor boundaries.

@Franklyfrost

I translate empath as neurotic, into Bach flower remedies and radically self absorbed. Oh they’re also on various ‘spectrums’ because they did an online quiz.

Buuuuuuuuut I heard an argument that it’s a sign of trauma. Empathy are on a heightened look out for what other people are feeling which is a fear response (say if you were raised by an unpredictable adult or were unexpectedly assaulted you might be constantly assessing the feelings those around you).

I'd never describe myself as an empath, I'm quite the opposite naturally. Bit of a logical cold stick.

But I did grow up in a household with a mum with severe MH issues and a teenage tearaway sister. So I think there's something in that, because I've got quite acute senses for the feelings of others, at odds with my natural inclinations.

(not that I feel their feelings on their behalf - I can just pick up when a situation is about to go south)

Lot of armchair psychologists on this thread.

Is this sweeping, dismissive comment aimed to negate all previous posts so that you can position yours?

Are you a professional psychologist?

How can you assume the qualifications of other posters and is that a requirement to post on this board?

If you're not an empath, you'll never get it, including those who proclaim to be

Oh, we get it.

Lot of armchair psychologists on this thread. Empathy is not a bad thing

You seem confused. Who said empathy is a bad thing? We aren't talking about empathy, we are talking about people who call themselves Empaths. Who usually lack empathy.

You seem confused. Who said empathy is a bad thing? We aren't talking about empathy, we are talking about people who call themselves Empaths. Who usually lack empathy.
Exactly this.
Most humans have empathy. Most of us realise this does not makes us special. Some people have better interpersonal skills than others, but again most don't consider this makes them special.

If people have poor emotional regulation and poor boundaries then that needs acknowledging and addressing, not dressing it up as a superpower that apparently makes the self-proclaimed 'empath' both so much more compassionate than us normal people, and also the real victim in other people's trauma/circumstances/emotions.

Being 'an empath' and 'having empathy' do not necessarily go hand in hand.

Empathy is great.

Being an empath is not. Not for the self-proclaimed empath and certainly not for the people around them.

The self-proclaimed empath will let you know just how difficult their life is because they take on board everyone else's feelings and how much of a burden it is for them, while at the same time completely disregarding the feelings of everyone else.

Having empathy, hoever, is lovely. For both parties.

My kid loves not having to go to school. We are clearly doomed.

@SiobhanInnerWings - reported as spam.

@SelkieIntegrated

Lot of armchair psychologists on this thread. Empathy is not a bad thing.

The combination of being too attuned to others deflecting their shame outwards is what exacerbates poor boundaries. Self awareness helps but deflecting responsibility back to where it belongs isnt easy for empaths with poor boundaries.

Also some who are lecture theatre psychologists

What you are describing is the 'cult of empathy' rather than the perfectly normal human condition.

And that second paragraph is all the woo we need. What you are saying is "I can see you are angry and are blaming me. Sod that, it was your fault!"

There is no such thing as "an empath." Deanna Troi is a fictional character played by Marina Sirtis, Peter Petrelli is played by Milo Ventimiglia.

We are all born with the capacity for empathy. But it is our early socialisation that governs how well we use it. It is not the same as sympathy or being intuitive, mindful in today's jargon. An 'empath' is as maladjusted as a sociopath, and yes, I do know that that will be totally misinterpreted!

Having said that, the rigour and direction of most of the 'soft' sciences these days suggests I am too old school and should realise that the world is all about The Feelz!

A very first world problem!

Empathy = good, self-identifying as an empath = silly and unnecessary. Surely as empathy is a pretty normal human trait we all possess to some extent you may as well describe yourself as someone who ‘eats food’ or ‘sleeps at night’.

In my experience self-proclaimed empaths are female with a propensity for home-schooling, and are upper middle class with a lot of family money behind them they. They have kids with names that make you want to burst out laughing and also make you feel really sorry for the kid.

Also, the word ‘empath’ derived from ‘empathy’ just feels grammatically wrong to me. Do other words behave like this? Can I start calling myself a ‘happ’ because I’m often happy?!

Also, the word ‘empath’ derived from ‘empathy’ just feels grammatically wrong to me. Do other words behave like this? Can I start calling myself a ‘happ’ because I’m often happy?!

Only if you show very little outward signs of your happiness

@PrelovedWithValue I could definitely manage that!

Maybe the next time someone declares themselves an empath I’ll reply with what my English teacher always said when we did creative writing - “Show, don’t tell”

I love this thread. I came on feeling a bit 'how very dare you, all we need is more empathy in this world...' and now find myself nodding along. I recently cut loose from a friend who would probably describe herself as empathic but actually that appeared to involve her constantly asking me if I was ok in a really weird tone and then spending most of our time together criticising everyone and saying what they were doing wrong. If that is empathy I want nothing to do with it. I am now incredibly wary when someone tells me they are empathic and then gets that faraway look in their eyes while we are both supposed to bask in their greatness. Fuck that. I firmly believe we all have the ability for empathy but I don't want anything to do with anyone who thinks they are saving the world just with their sheer presence. I have been destroyed recently by a supposedly supportive group who were self proclaimed empaths but were actually self absorbed dictators.

I think the term empath is as misused as the word “narcissist”.

It’s the antidote of narcissist and so many people use it to basically place labels on their relationship dynamics to come out responsibility free.

But many arrive to that conclusion after having a complete breakdown and suddenly realising that they’re in a relationship with a narcissist and that the reason their boundaries were eroded was because they put themselves out there to help out and elevate the suffering of someone who was only manipulating their sense of compassion.

Many narcissists end up projecting and calling their victim a narcissist and declare themselves the empath because that’s just a socially acceptable way to passive aggressively call the other side of the toxic relationship which they probably ended, a narcissist..

So yes, some people calling themselves empaths might be the absolute worst and least self aware..

I think labels and the misuse of the term narcissist hasn’t helped. At all.

Two people with poor boundaries might come together in a relationship and it results in toxicity. Both are equally responsible for the resultant dynamic. But labels stops anyone taking responsibility.

However there is a real segment of society that had to deal with the real narcissist.. with the specific traits.. not boundaries issues but totally aggressive behaviour that is designed to maintain power in unhealthy dynamics..

And so there are real people who might identify as empath based on recognising that they were part of that dynamic snd it’s a beginning of a wake up call for them that they need to watch out for the early red flags and retrain their mind to recognise their misplaced feelings of compassion and empathy towards an abuser is a result of a long history of manipulation and so to remain mindful until they can unpick that.

I don’t think I have ever seen it as meaning “I have more empathy than you”.. I think I’ve seen it as “I’m more vulnerable of having my empathy exploited by people because of my eroded boundaries”.

I don’t know if I ever told people I’m an empath. But when I had a total breakdown and finally recognised that my struggle to be assertive is because I was feeling guilty to not assume that “role” that has always been thrust on me if being the martyr since my toxic childhood, that I then need to turn off that voice that is misguiding me into lowering my guard too quickly.. and so those people who know me on a personal level had to wonder what the heck was going on with my sudden life changes and I had to explain that I recognized my history of manipulation snd I might’ve easily used that term..

That’s not to say that “I’m better at empathy than you”... that’s more to say “I’m recovering from a long history of manipulation of my sense of empathy and I need some understanding while I start learning from scratch how to assert boundaries”.

I don’t think it’s peoples fault that they use that term. It’s what’s widely used to describe this personality phenomena..

And I don’t think it’s to say “I have more empathy than you”. It’s “I have a more vulnerable sense of empathy than you”.

Which I would believe

I don’t think I have ever seen it as meaning “I have more empathy than you”

Then you haven't read the thread! That is exactly how people use it, they mean "I have more empathy, I am more sensitive, I am kinder than you and better than you". None of those things are true.

IbrahimaRedTwo

I have read the thread and been active from the beginning.. no I haven’t seen that.

Nah.

I don’t think I have ever seen it as meaning “I have more empathy than you”.. maybe, as @IbrahimaRedTwo said, you could read back through this thread. You only need to read as far as the second response... there are others later in the thread too!

Not many people can do that. I understand why you would be envious Does that ring a bell?

I absolutely agree with @IbrahimaRedTwo in that many self-proclaimed empaths think that it makes them special and it's a gift, despite it being a gift that is hard to bear.

I do think the reality is much closer to what @DeepThinkingGirl describes - but with a large helping of very little actual awareness of what other people around them are actually experiencing.

@DeepThinkingGirl

IbrahimaRedTwo

I have read the thread and been active from the beginning.. no I haven’t seen that.

You haven't? The actual second response is Why? I think empath is the person who understands and feels other's feeling and emotions better than normal people and its not the only one. Not sure you're as deep thinking as you imagine as you've missed the entire point of the thread.

I find in general that anyone who declares a personality trait like it’s a superpower tends to be a bit of a cunt.

‘Empathy’ is just one example, but I’ve met a few ‘natural listeners’, ‘big picture thinkers’, and ‘Naturally intuitive’s’, and they were all linked by being a) nothing of the sort, and b) total bellends.

Nothing wrong with having empathy (doesn’t everyone??), but assuming you have more/do it better than people you know little about does ring alarm bells.

And I don’t think it’s to say “I have more empathy than you”. It’s “I have a more vulnerable sense of empathy than you”.

You have no idea of the psychological state of the person you are comparing yourself to. None whatsoever. And no right to declare yourself more vulnerable than another.

It is something kept purely between yourself and you counsellor/therapist/psychiatrist.

• I know some people who describe themselves as empaths but are utterly self absorbed cunts without an empathetic bone in their body.

UANBU*

This is exactly it. People who are really acutely sensitive to the emotions of others don’t wang on about it they just use that information to support etc as needed.

Not many people can do that. I understand why you would be envious Does that ring a bell?!

Oh yes that does ring a bell.. because it was me

For the record, I do think that you and many other posters on this thread including the OP, lack empathy towards self-declared “empaths”.

Had been aggressive and dismissive to trying to understand the experiences of those that tried to explain.. and totally being called out on it.

Except you beleive that I’m too damaged and shouldn’t have an opinion and therefore should sit down and listen to your lecturing me about empathy while you display none.

In this situation , your empathy was totally lacking. I don’t know how you are in general but I can totally judge based on this interaction that you displayed selective empathy which excludes the struggles of people who might associate with the term “empath”.

Unless you think you have a trump card on who gets to criticise someone’s sense of empathy.. but if you dish it out, you need to be prepared to be called out on it too.