How do you not hate yourself for being fat?

[sodisgustedwithmyself]

I do, and I'm convinced it's making it worse.

For context, I'm 21 stone, size 24-26 so I'm properly fat; have been since early childhood . I've never felt self confident, or happy with what I see in the mirror .

Having therapy at the moment and she's asked me to make a conscious effort to look for women (and men) who are overweight - or obese - and that come across very confident, happy, respected in their career .

I'm also supposed to write a list of reasons of why me being obese doesn't make me disgusting .

I'm struggling a lot. In my head, it's all just awful and trying to dress it up doesn't make it better - but therapist and GP keep saying I won't lose a pound feeling as I do, because I'm not in the right place mentally to stick to healthy eating .

Therapist did say concentrate on feeling 'powerful' - so I'm trying for example to exercise gently (knackering my knees and feet in the process) and concentrating on how that makes me feel physically . That's helping a little but then I go for a shower and find I cringe as I'm still so bloody fat . It's like a constant horrible criticising monologue in my mind .

How do you separate it all? Is it possible to feel genuinely happy, self confident and then start losing?

Hey, I know how you feel. I look at Dawn French, Gemma Collins and Allison Hammond.
They all oooze sexy savvy and super confident!
I'm a size 20 and feel like you x

Depends on how modern you want to be about things. The modern approach is to know something is wrong about yourself and then pretend that it isn't. The approach until a few years ago was to fix what's wrong. I know which I prefer.

That said, I don't think you should hate yourself, put your energy into fixing what you don't like. I urge you to look at eating low carb. The first three months are hard but when you've trained your body to behave like it's supposed to, you will find you crave food less and aren't hungry between meals.

Oh, I should also say when I was dieting I used a free app called Mealime and used their low carb recipes. I don't think I would have succeeded without it.

They're absolutely right in the fact you do need to even like yourself a little bit.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Everyone comes in different shapes and sizes. You're not disgusting at all.

I have always been up in down in my weight and at my biggest I felt slightly ugh but I didn't have tons of confidence but I had confidence. It was me, yes I changed but I was just carrying more weight than what was good for me.

Don't look at social media because so many pictures are edited and altered. You do get some truthful people on there but many are not.

I found even a slight change in my food and daily walks really helped with my mental mood.

Just remember, it's one day at a time. You will have diets that work or don't work but you just need to find the right one for you, when you're ready. Take one day at a time.

You're worthy, beautiful and so strong. You got this!

I feel the same way you do, BUT I did stumble upon a reddit page called botched plastic surgery, where apparently women all over the world are getting surgery to have my massive arse and boobs! If it weren't for my fat belly, I'd apparently have quite the enviable body?? Seeing that has honestly made me feel a teensy bit better!

Well I was a size 24/26 and now a 14, I hated the way I looked but never myself, never hate yourself.

Dress nicely, nice hair and make up, get your nails done. Once you’ve done that you’ll feel much better.

Keep up the exercise and you’ll get there eventually. I was ill and had too had a scary doctor tell me off so had lost choice or time to separate the two.

Do what works for you and make sure you write every day walked 15 mins felt good, walked 20 mins felt good etc and you can look back at progress because it might be difficult to walk X amount now but in a month you will find you have improved. You will feel powerful when you see you’re smashing it, having a positive log of what you’re doing well help if you’re having an off day. How about a bike? Takes pressure off your joints

I hated the mirror and shop windows avoided them at all costs.

Hating yourself is the reason why you comfort eat. It's a viscious circle and the answer is to break it ❤

I think you can dislike the unhealthy fat without hating ALL of you. Try to think about things you like about you. Do you have anything you’re particularly good at? Things you like about yourself? Parts of your personality that shine? Are you patient, humble, kind, thoughtful, a strong leader? Can you sing, dance, sew, knit, cook, craft, whatever? You can say you like some of those aspects of you, even if it’s just a tiny bit? Is there a part of your body you think is ok? Your hair/feet/face/teeth? Try to start small with just a few things you think are good about you. Maybe think about your relationships with others and what they might see in you that they like.

I was a size 20 and almost suicidal with despair 12 years ago. I decided that I would act on feeling so unhealthy by doing exercise as I was getting nowhere with trying to cut down on food and drink. So I started walking every day (15 or 20 minutes before my morning shower) and after 6 months I was running 3 miles twice a week.

Weight? Stayed the same! BUt I cared less.

Around the same time I had a meeting at work with an advisor I’d not met before. She was huge and had very noticeably thin hair. But after 2 minutes with her I only saw her for who she was: a capable, bright, articulate person with a ready smile,

I decided there and then that if she could come over so we’ll then I could, too. So I smiled more and acted confident and sure of myself.

It only bloody worked! Promotion followed. I was the same weight but a different person. Never did get to grips with overeating but stopped caring.

It’s definitely a mind set...you are what you think you are. You think you’re fat and crap but I know I’m fat and fab! Change your thinking. I bet you are a great person.

I think everyone should be at peace with who they are. If you're naturally bigger, then it will take a lot of work and total change of lifestyle to be thinner. Some people say they feel amazing when they've lost loads of weight and some people say they're miserable, because they can't just eat what they like anymore and every meal is calorie counted.
You need to work out why you're unhappy being the way you are. You can be bigger and attractive and confident. Slim isn't necessarily going to make you feel happy, or attractive!

^errrr if only it were that simple!

Because it’s just fat, it’s not a moral failing like cheating or lying or hurting anyone. I don’t love my fat but I also don’t think it’s anything to do with my personality. It’s just a symptom of liking food too much 🤷🏻‍♀️

In some cultures, your figure would be considered aspirational and most desirable. The pressure you put on yourself and the mean things you say to yourself comes from our society. Others would see you as fabulous. There is more than one way to look at the same image.

Im learning to love all of me again! I'm a size 20/22. I decided that for me to be happier I had to find a way to become stronger/fitter. I have a 2 year old to run after. I joined a boot camp with an amazing team, supportive and fun! I enjoy the exercise and I see my figure change all the time I've lost 2 stone! I struggle with food, and can't deny myself anything or I binge. I had to find what worked for me!

What would make you love yourself more? Being more active? Feeling better in your clothes? But you are not defined by your weight! You can be big and fabulous! God knows I have some very bbw in my life! What's important is how you feel and if you want to make a change that's okay too!

Some really unhelpful comments above. I am bmi 34/size 16-18 and I had to do a lot of work to love myself as I am.

I spent a lot of time on self-compassion, Buddhist style. I see say my cellulitey thighs, my hammy arms or my big tummy and I literally touch them caringly. Literally stroke, hold or caress. This is me. My body. The only one I get. I am carrying some excess fat cells but underneath I have strong muscles, bones, and a lovely leg shape. I just have extra unnecessary cells right now. I have those cells because my body is trying to follow ancient signals to protect me from
starvation to conserve energy in times of plenty. It is just those times of plenty never end. I try to nourish myself, eat healthily, whole food, gf and vegan. Shifting my focus to health from appearance really helped and part of that came from a period of burn out and chronic fatigue (thyroid, vit d deficiency). So now I am just super grateful for my body functioning to be honest and I want to care and nurture it as best I can.

The toxic, judgy, ew fat stuff I am just refusing to internalise. I am doing my best to eat nourishing food, to my bmr and to exercise. I have been skinny, slim, and now obese. I have been unhappy with my appearance in every size so that shows me a lot of it is in my head. I also note that the most weight loss success I ever had was when I was meditating really often and much calmer, with no other lifestyle changes so my mental state does impact my weight.

We deserve to love ourselves too! You can desire change and still feel compassion and care towards yourself! In my view it is an essential part of the journey actually.

Sending you lots of good wishes, you sound like you are making some really positive changes, keep going! :)

Just as foods are not good or bad, moral or immoral, the size of a person does not make them so either.
I too have had therapy for disordered eating and it is such a complex thing OP.
Luckily I was raised with self esteem and have never really hated myself, and that is such an advantage. It makes it so much easier to do my best and care for myself and eat well - and even so, it’s still a struggle for me to not stuff my face. So I’m not sure I can really advise BUT I would suggest listing things you like about yourself/are good at/proud of that are not related to your weight, eg kindness, good a X Y Z, what do your friends appreciate about you? Talents and skills.

Also recommend the Insight Timer app for guided meditations - you can do them as you are falling asleep, it’s really helpful in my experience.

She didn't ask how to lose weight. She asked how to not hate herself now @Wingdefender. You are obtuse.

There's a difference between hating being overweight though, and hating yourself.

Being overweight is such a complex thing. It's tied up with so much stuff and unpicking that takes time.

I thi k you're equating letting yourself get fat with being worthless. A self sabotaging vicious cycle.

Control, and self control is a marvellous thing, yet its the least easy thing to control. Go figure.

What is great about you op? Not what do you hate. What is great?