How do you not hate yourself for being fat?

[sodisgustedwithmyself]

I do, and I'm convinced it's making it worse.

For context, I'm 21 stone, size 24-26 so I'm properly fat; have been since early childhood . I've never felt self confident, or happy with what I see in the mirror .

Having therapy at the moment and she's asked me to make a conscious effort to look for women (and men) who are overweight - or obese - and that come across very confident, happy, respected in their career .

I'm also supposed to write a list of reasons of why me being obese doesn't make me disgusting .

I'm struggling a lot. In my head, it's all just awful and trying to dress it up doesn't make it better - but therapist and GP keep saying I won't lose a pound feeling as I do, because I'm not in the right place mentally to stick to healthy eating .

Therapist did say concentrate on feeling 'powerful' - so I'm trying for example to exercise gently (knackering my knees and feet in the process) and concentrating on how that makes me feel physically . That's helping a little but then I go for a shower and find I cringe as I'm still so bloody fat . It's like a constant horrible criticising monologue in my mind .

How do you separate it all? Is it possible to feel genuinely happy, self confident and then start losing?

I'm overweight for my height a size 14. Which I know is average. But I hate it. I try to be good and eat well but simply I enjoy my food. I enjy the sweet stuff!

My fear is to slip into an eating disorder as I did previously. So for now I'm acknowledging I need to do something but in a proper way. I just need the oomph to do it correctly.
If I rush into something I become obsessive.

Everytime I slate myself for being fat dh says I'm being daft. And it doesn't matter how big or small I am. He loves me. That makes me feel good for a day then I hate myself again .

Fwiw.
I became obsessive over Weight with my ex. Then we spilt my choice as he was controlling, to regain control the only thing I could try to control was my weight, i was a size 16, I got on the scales 4 x a day. If I felt I ate some thing bad I took laxatives. Then starved the next day till tea time and then just ate cereal or toast.
Then I'd have a good day. But because I didn't want people thinking I wasn't eating if I was offered, for example a biscuit at work I'd have it (they'd always say oh it's just one we've earned it etc) I'd then laxative that night. Starve the next day and so forth.

I get anxious thinking about it now.. Because I know how I could easily slip back like that.

I gained weight back after getting with now dh. Just being happy in life made me not care about my size or obsessing over food. It was hard at 1st. And think the biggest gain was after dd..

Sorry rambling now.

I think it’s easier to hate yourself and then not do anything about it then it is to actually have to not eat so much and exercise. It’s an avoidance thing.
I really only got thin by breaking up with someone. The anger with them sort of fuelled my ability to say no to snacks and carbs. It made me stronger than them to say no to filler food and yes to working out.

Maybe project your feelings on to something outside yourself. Is there a cause you can feel strong about perhaps.

There's absolutely no easy answer to either losing weight you've had your whole life or reversing a lifetime of very low self esteem. Ignore any idiot who pretends there is. They may as well stick their head into an AA meeting and shout, 'enough with all the yammering, just stop drinking alcohol! Problem solved!'

You are already doing the right thing by seeing a counsellor, and they sound like they're giving you good advice. Try to stick with it and just go a step at a time.

Practically speaking, in the meantime you could try to do some nice things for yourself that have nothing to do with food, like buying nicer toiletries or some flattering jewellery, things that will remind you that you're worth taking care of. Because you are!

I don't like my body, but then i never did, even when i was slim. I don't hate it though, and i certainly don't hate myself. I am smart, funny, a great mum/sister/daughter, and a good person. Don't hate yourself op, you deserve better.

[quote thefourgp]@Vickles20 what an inspiring, thoughtful post. I’d also like to suggest volunteer work. Helping others, even a few hours a week, makes you feel better about yourself, makes a difference to someone else’s life and gives you a distraction from the negative thoughts. E.g. Do you have a local dog rescue? Most people do. The dogs need to be walked until they’re rehomed, you can choose how many hours a week to help, you’re getting exercise and you’re making a huge difference to that dog who will probably spend the rest of the day in a cage. I do two hours twice a week and it always improves my mood.[/quote]
100% this about the dog walks, I do this, well pre lockdown I did and will do so again once they open back up. Those beautiful dogs need walking and you will smash your step count whilst making their little doggy day!

I’ve been very thin and now I’m fat, both for reasons out with my control. I never liked myself at either size or any in between. It took me a long time to realise my size was not related to how I felt about myself but that it was a convenient focus and scapegoat for my self hatred. Now I’m in a better place in my head I’m better able to focus on necessary weight loss and it’s been reasonably easy to do... BUT it took me a long time to get to the right place to think that way and to not battle weight like I see so many others do.

You need to learn to accept your here and now. That doesn’t have to be your tomorrow. Seeking acceptance then contentment comes before outright happiness - it’s not a fast process. Like weight loss , one list of things I like about me doesn’t solve the years of Hatred but it’s part of a process of getting you to a place where you no longer have your self hatred. One long walk won’t change your body but a year of long walks will. You’re in this for the long game with your esteem and if necessary your body weight.

Set yourself realistic goals to work towards. Small ones that only mean something to you. Don’t look for validation from others but do celebrate your wins with others. You can get out of this bad place .

I'd suggest doing a bit of dumbbell work in front of a mirror - makes the fat stand to attention, then take it from there. The 'hate' thing - well, problem with this is, even if you did succeed in starting to get into shape, it does take a while to get to where you want to be. The idea that only when you get there can you be happy just makes the whole thing more of a slog than needs be.

Seems to me that happiness can only be a present state condition. Happiness in the past - nostalgia - is not real and nor is investing emotionally in the future, cos that just doesn't exist either.

So even if you were the perfect size, say, next year or so, would you really then look back and give yourself advice to feel lousy about yourself until you catch up? What would be the point?

To move out of a situation, you have to start with your present-day situ, That said, it also means accepting that if you actually want to hate yourself as you are right now, you are allowed to do that too.

Might also add that the 'hate' can also come from eating crap food as much of it really has awful additives in it, can play haywire with your emotions - sugar itself can make a person quite depressed and weepy.

I honestly don’t get the whole thinking that if you hate the way you look you won’t loose weight?
Hating the way I look is the only way I CAN loose weight! The only thing to motivate me to do something about it.
When you lose that first 1/2 stone the feeling it gives you in your body is utterly amazing. And it only gets better from there.
I urge you to take one day at a time. Eat non processed foods. No sugar or wheat. Look up clean eating and take it one day. Download my fitness pal, it will work out your goal and you can enter your foods easily from there. Tick each day off that you have managed to stick to it and try with every thing you’ve got to stick to it for 6 days in a row. Then have a day with a treat in it. Then go again for 6 full on willpower days.
I promise you that at the end of 6 weeks you will start to feel fabulous

Unless you are a cruel, unkind and dirty woman, you are definitely not disgusting. You are so much more than just your shape. I follow a lovely dr on Instagram called drjoshuawolrich and I can’t recommend him enough.

Even if you woke up thin and toned you will still hate yourself. You need to sort that and the rest will follow. Your weight is the symptom not the cause.

I've been fat and thin several times - up and down 4.5 stone regularly.
I am the same person whatever I way and however I look.
I live myself as a person. The outside is just that - like the cover of a book - you can't judge the inside by the outside.
That's it in a nutshell - I'm still me whether wearing skinny jeans size 12 or size 18 - I like myself. And you should, too.

I am fat. I have been much fatter and I have been extremely thin, and I was unhappy at both ends of that spectrum. Once I lost all the weight, I spent years on a permanent diet and wrangling an exercise obsession because it was such a struggle to stay that thin. I eventually gained about 7 stone whilst having DS and 4 years later I’ve not shifted it but I can’t hate myself for it - my body grew a person. It’s carried me through a pandemic working for the NHS in a hospital every day. My body is not perfect but it’s done a bloody good job and I owe it to myself to be kind whilst I get into the right headspace to try and lose some weight a healthy way this time.

When I feel hated for my body, I say to myself that, while imperfect, this body is the container for my precious soul, my personality, my intellect, my kindness. My body isn't "me" but the container for me. But if I didn't have this container even in its current form, where I can see so much wrong with it there wouldn't be me.
Can you extend yourself the same love? Love for what is inside the container of your body?

Having compassion and kindness for yourself actually results in better choices and more positive outcomes, without you even realising it. It's not the case that being kind to yourself will make you weak and prone to failure, and hating yourself will make you buck up your ideas. Showing yourself compassion is a win win, you feel better on the inside, and do better on the outside. It really does work x

In a society that tells us 'fat = ugly' and the word 'fat' is used as an insult all the time, it's no wonder you are feeling this level of self-loathing.

Fat phobia is pervasive and your therapist is right, your mental health is suffering and you need to be in the right head space to be able to stick to a weight loss diet.

Can I recommend you follow the plus size community on Instagram?

Accounts like @insyzestyle and @chloeincurve and @katiesturino are amazing to follow.

They help you to not feel so alone and also look past the weight and see your self worth.

Your dress size and weight do not define you.

You are worthy.

I'm funny. I'm smart. I enjoy being kind to people. I'm mechanically inclined and kick ass at taking care of my home. I'm crafty. I love kitties. I'd say I'm a decent mom, and I for sure love my kids more than I ever thought possible. I have some great friends. I have what society considered a "shit job", but personally I love it. It's perfect for me. I get to see and talk to new people every day and I love that. I am happy.

I am also obese... But that isn't who I am, and not how I determine my own value. If someone else chooses to hate me because of my weight...well that says far more about them than me any day.

I'll add, I've always loved myself and been a confident person... I've most weight and gained wait throughout my life... I personally don't think hating or loving yourself makes the difference in losing weight. It's about being in the right frame of mind for it. I hope you get there because that's what you want... But first... Sit down and make a list of all the things that make you the amazing person you are.

Can you get a dog? Or do borrow my doggy. I say this because we rescued a dog about 7 months ago now and because of her I now walk about 4-7miles a day. That has been a huge help in getting me moving as I simply don't have a choice come rain or shine, she needs 2 good walks a day. I wasn't really trying to loose much weight but I've upped my miles over the past few months and doing 100+ every month now. That has helped me loose over a stone and really changed my body shape. I've gone from being a little overweight to now nicely in the healthy BMI but it's the way I feel that has made the biggest difference. I am starting to like the way I look and I can feel myself becoming more confident. I love the headspace walking gives me to just clear my thoughts and in peace and quiet (3 young kids running around is loud so I jump at the chance of an hour's quiet 🤣)
So if getting a dog is a possibility and something you'd love to have then do it. Also perhaps not one of the small little dogs as they don't need as much walking, I'm talking about a working dog like a lab or a spaniel. Good luck, and love yourself x

I'm fat and while I dont like my body I do like me as a person and am 'confident, happy and respected in my career'.

Ok when I have a shower I look down and see my stomach and hips and legs and dont like what I see.. but i get out of the shower and get dressed (cover it up) and I have my house, my car, my family, my job. My weight isnt affecting them or holding me back in those areas so I can be confident.

My bosses respect the people who are good at their job, not those who are skinny. My 'career' is going from strength to strength and I'm getting so much praise at work. At first the praise made me cringe, now it makes me smile and I say 'thank you'. I have skinny colleagues who I am outperforming.

My weight can be a bit up and down over the years but my family love me no matter what.

I have struggled with my weight my whole adult life. But I try to keep it in mind that my weight does not define me as a person, people come in all shapes and sizes, and humans are complex and amazing so just because I have extra weight on me it isn’t necessarily linked to being confident, sexy etc. Granted in the case of sexy, some people will not find me sexy because of my weight but them some might feel the same about hair colour for instance. But I have a successful career, lovely family and lots of friends who seem to love me for who I am not how I look! I have lost weight and got down to a size 14/16 (from a 22) but it didn’t really make any difference in my life, to my happiness, and it’s crept back up so now I’m a 20/22 again.

Erin Pizzey wrote a wonderful article years ago called "Fabulously Fat." I have tried to find it online for you but all I can find are articles saying how great it was. It's in her book of collected articles called "Erin Pizzey collects,"

Well for a start mumsnet isn't going to help. People on here think being fat is morally awful and well definitely die immediately from our fatness. So probably less time here will help you.

I cam see how many messages have been deleted on this thread already which sort of proves my point.

I know what you mean about larger ladies in the public eye who look amazing

1 thing I have noticed is good support underwear. Making an effort with your appearance will help too, even if working from home, wash your hair and pop some makeup on

I don’t think it’s been explained to you the right way. I think it’s more that you need to understand that eating well is a form of self care, and you need to like / love yourself enough that you want the best for yourself.

Do you have children? Are they overweight? If not, why not? My children are skinny little things. They eat lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, I restrict their junk food intake and explain why to them. Me? Biscuits for breakfast. Crisps for snack. White bread and ham for lunch. More biscuits for afternoon snack. I love my children so much I want them to be healthy. Me? Couldn’t give a monkeys.

So, it’s not about being confident in how you look currently. It’s about being confident that you deserve to be looked after and understanding that living on junk food / binge eating / stuffing yourself to the point you can’t move is punishing yourself / a form of self harm. So work on loving yourself in other ways.

Love yourself for your kind heart, your strong worth ethic, your empathy, because you’re a good friend / wife / mother. Understand you deserve to be looked after. Love your body for what it can do, enable you to do that yoga class you love, to hug your children, to birth your children. Pick a body feature you’re proud of, maybe you have beautiful eyes or pretty hands. Eat healthy food to make your eyes sparkle, use moisturiser and cuticle oil to keep your hands looking their best. These small forms of self care will improve how you feel about yourself and will gently filter out into making more and more better choices and slowly improve how you feel about yourself.

I can love myself and hate how I look. I have managed to love myself fat and hate myself thin. I don't relate my external body to my worth as a person. The rest of the world seems happy to do that for me, though, and it takes a while to unlearn those lessons. I had to accept and love myself as I am to stop punishing and hurting myself long enough to lose even the smallest amount of weight. And losing the weight of all that shame and self loathing and self pity means the scale matters even less. I feel lighter. I can see from a health perspective it will be a good thing to lose some weight, but I have no more or less value whatever jeans size I wear

Have you got a picture of yourself as a small child op? A photo you like, if so put it somewhere you can see it often and then try telling the child photo how much you hate them for being overweight. It's really hard to do and it helps retrain you to being kinder to yourself.

You wouldn't dream of telling someone how much you hated they way they looked because you know it's unkind, that has to extend to you too.