How do you not hate yourself for being fat?

[sodisgustedwithmyself]

I do, and I'm convinced it's making it worse.

For context, I'm 21 stone, size 24-26 so I'm properly fat; have been since early childhood . I've never felt self confident, or happy with what I see in the mirror .

Having therapy at the moment and she's asked me to make a conscious effort to look for women (and men) who are overweight - or obese - and that come across very confident, happy, respected in their career .

I'm also supposed to write a list of reasons of why me being obese doesn't make me disgusting .

I'm struggling a lot. In my head, it's all just awful and trying to dress it up doesn't make it better - but therapist and GP keep saying I won't lose a pound feeling as I do, because I'm not in the right place mentally to stick to healthy eating .

Therapist did say concentrate on feeling 'powerful' - so I'm trying for example to exercise gently (knackering my knees and feet in the process) and concentrating on how that makes me feel physically . That's helping a little but then I go for a shower and find I cringe as I'm still so bloody fat . It's like a constant horrible criticising monologue in my mind .

How do you separate it all? Is it possible to feel genuinely happy, self confident and then start losing?

@Wingdefender:

Is it absolutely necessary to be so harsh to a person who is reaching out because she feels so bad about herself! A person you've never met and, from her post, already seems really down. Would you use the words 'excuse me for stating the bleeding obvious' to someone in RL if they reached out to shared the same problem with you? Very easy to be cruel anonymously.

Op, it is very hard to change long term habits and mindset. Luvmyboyz gives very good advice. I would also add spend money on yourself. The best haircut, make up, most flattering clothes. My daughter is big and trying to be smaller but she always looks amazing and that gives her a level of outward confidence she doesn't always feel inwardly. That outward confidence does have an effect on how others view her. Fake it 'till you make it. Good luck

Probably not all that helpful really, but think of Naomi Campbell - absolutely beautiful and elegant on the outside, but from the things I've read, not such a nice person on the inside with extreme hanger issues.

You're more than how you look. Take some time to try and at least like yourself for who you are - you are worth it.

@wingdefender I am not overweight myself thank you, but I do not feel the need to be cruel or nasty to someone who is asking for help.

I've lost 8 stone.

It's not as simple as eat less and nice more or just lose weight. It's unkind and unhelpful to say it is.

And move more.

I could have written your OP myself and I'm currently nearly back at my heaviest. I won't disclose what that is but its overweight bmi. My lightest was 9 stone 11lbs and I felt really powerful si your therapist is probably making you feel powerless.

Honestly? The only thing that has ever worked for me is taking every single day as a challenge and could ting victories- I have a Fitbit

Excersise, counting food calories (not depriving, just recording what I eat and trying to be good, and if I go over still recording it, enjoying it but understanding it and being accountable so I dont punish myself too much) and tracking sleep and stress.

You really can only do this a day at a time and every good day is a win.

The other thing that has helped has been finding my metabolic type... piling veggies and healthy carbs and nothing else was triggering my overeating. I'm a quick oxidiser and since honouring that with my protein macro I've felt amazing and had a loss.

Best if luck to you honestly I feel you x

Thank you so much for all the lovely posts . Couple have moved me to tears .

Yes if it was as simple as eating less and moving more (I accept at the bottom it is - but there’s a lot of other factors going on) then I’d be slim .

Therapist actually has me writing a list for homework of things I like, or things about me that aren’t weight based . I’ve managed to come up with a few things from work, study and stuff that helps . I used to work as an auxiliary nurse and I always got lovely compliments from colleagues and patients so try to hang on to them .

I’ve got a good idea of what sort of clothes suit me too, although I find I’m forever buying more as feel so unconfident in them .

GP did say stuff about trying to just eat more nutritious meals rather than dieting straight away . I’m slightly pleased tonight as managed to do 25 minutes of fast walking workout and didn’t turn to the ice cream .

I suppose it’s very slow baby steps .

I’m also trying hard to form new habits eg telling myself if I can remember to moisturise twice a day then I can remember to avoid biscuits every evening ... not always so easy but managed tonight which is a start .

I’ve lost weight before, at fourteen or so and then again at 25 (now 30), I think both times I felt more confident, supported, and just happier so perhaps it is the key, sorting out my mental health first . Therapist has said several times it’s more about health than beauty - said look for power, strength and ability rather than being ‘conventionally beautiful’ which does make sense .

Ok, for me to eat less and move more I have had to:

Have CBT to find out why I am so anxious and why I stress eat

Delve into some deep childhood trauma (and mine is mild compared to many) that explains the above

Get anti anxiety meds from GP

Have a course of therapy with a dietician (who agreed my food was fantastic)

Have many extensive blood tests and scans and most recently started seeing a physio to get to the bottom of why my body is in such pain since having my second child. Hopefully this will enable me to do the more high impact exercise which I enjoy but simply cannot do at the moment as my feet are fucked.

And more.

I eat brilliantly and do at absolute bare minimum 30 mins intentional exercise a day - exercise bike, EMOM workouts, step aerobic etc. Still a size 16-18. Sorry if that offends anyone but I am happy with the steps I have taken. People do also have to live their lives aside from their size - enjoy a slice of birthday cake guilt free, not feel bad for having a bowl of pasta once in a while, not be completely consumed every second of the day by how they look. It takes a lot of effort for some people and it is absolutely not as simple as eating less and moving more.

Eat Less Move More is reductive shite. I do also agree that fat acceptance and HAES is harmful, but everyone can only try their best.

@Wingdefender

Just lose the weight if you don’t like being fat. Excuse me stating the bleeding obvious.

Aww it's a shame people can't just lose their shitty attitudes and ugly personalities. Shame.

@sodisgustedwithmyself

Thank you so much for all the lovely posts . Couple have moved me to tears .

Yes if it was as simple as eating less and moving more (I accept at the bottom it is - but there’s a lot of other factors going on) then I’d be slim .

Therapist actually has me writing a list for homework of things I like, or things about me that aren’t weight based . I’ve managed to come up with a few things from work, study and stuff that helps . I used to work as an auxiliary nurse and I always got lovely compliments from colleagues and patients so try to hang on to them .

I’ve got a good idea of what sort of clothes suit me too, although I find I’m forever buying more as feel so unconfident in them .

GP did say stuff about trying to just eat more nutritious meals rather than dieting straight away . I’m slightly pleased tonight as managed to do 25 minutes of fast walking workout and didn’t turn to the ice cream .

I suppose it’s very slow baby steps .

I’m also trying hard to form new habits eg telling myself if I can remember to moisturise twice a day then I can remember to avoid biscuits every evening ... not always so easy but managed tonight which is a start .

I’ve lost weight before, at fourteen or so and then again at 25 (now 30), I think both times I felt more confident, supported, and just happier so perhaps it is the key, sorting out my mental health first . Therapist has said several times it’s more about health than beauty - said look for power, strength and ability rather than being ‘conventionally beautiful’ which does make sense .

Of course once your mental health is better you will feel better.

You will be more motivated for sure. Work on your mental health first because if you don't you just won't get to where you want to be.

It'll take time, like everything. You just have to remember you can do this. You've done it before and you want to be the best version of yourself. You can do it!

Ignore the horrible poster before. There is always one bully and it says more about how insecure they are to try and bring you down.

I’m very overweight too, similar size to you. I don’t like what I’ve done to my body but I don’t despise myself. My body has given me 3 children and I’ve not treated it the best but I’m still here it’s still going. I’ve recently had a word with myself to stop being so ridiculous with eating rubbish and actually take responsibility for what I’m eating and to start looking after myself better. It’s made me feel so much better.

Haven't read most of the comments because these threads often make me cry (oh to be the person who eats less and moves more and the weight falls off), but my techniques are things like:

I am actually physically strong. I can lift things and push heavy things and make sure my kids don't fall off things because I can hold them up (or break their fall 😁).

My body works. It walks around. It made 2 kids! It carries me in it and it does more or less what I want it to apart from be less than it is. I try to remember this.

What do I value in other people? Not being thin, particularly. Being warm, kind, funny, fair, clever (nice semicolon use by the way OP), interested in things - all things I am! If I meet me I'd think I was great!

I have really remarkable eyes and I properly like my wrists and forearms, and the corner of my forehead where my hairline is is very pleasing. My tummy is huge - and so soft!! Your nice features will be different obvs but you will have them. What are they?

I'm fat, and I'm working actively on losing weight.

Fat is only a tiny part of what I am. I am also intelligent, good at my job, a bloody great parent, good at cooking and baking, funny, generous and compassionate. I'm pretty crap at gardening though.

Why focus on only one aspect of yourself? No-one is only one thing. Love yourself for the good, work to change the things that are not so good, don't waste your time on hate.

Thank you for this thread OP, I needed it today. I am a similar weight and size and recognise all of what you've said in your post. The responses are definitely food for thought and will help me too.

Can I ask how you found a therapist to treat you? Was it a GP referral?

I’ve lost 8 stone. I was 23 stone as my heaviest.
I think I just thought

Right that’s it. No more. I was turning 40 and thought I’m not doing this to myself anymore!

I rang the dr and he gave me 12 weeks free with slimming world. Luckily it worked well for me, the diet. I adapted it here and there. Less carbs as my weight loss levelled out. Steered well away from trigger foods and found other foods that I loved as treats and began to treat myself with clothes and experiences, instead of food all the time.

I soon wanted to lose weight more than continue to eat myself to death. I was miserable. I was ridiculed daily my strangers aswell as family and friends at times. It was all life encompassing. No matter how much I wore pretty dresses. Did my hair. Did my make up. Smiled and giggled. And perpetually people pleased.

I desperately wanted to get lighter on my feet..: (I used to ache all day and be out of breathe) healthier, younger, prettier. More me. Not anyone else. Me.

Yes. It is as simple as

LESS IN (food)
MORE OUT (exercise)

But something has to give. Something has to make you think. Is this it now? For the rest of my life. Self loathing. And even when I did have a lucid moment, where I bought a nice dress and I felt good about myself, some fucker would leer/shout/laugh/spit at me and make me feel utterly worthless and hateful again.

Something definitely snapped. I thought. My weight ruined my teen years, 20’s, and 30’s No fucking way was I allowing it to ruin my 40’s and beyond. I just did it.

It took me 4 years to lose 8 stone. Then I concentrated on my fitness and toning. Yoga. Zumba. Walking. Cycling. Yes, I cycle!! Haha! As in, I couldn’t before due to the vile comments I’d get.

I have learnt to love and respect myself. It didn’t happen over night. I’m still up and down, and like I have a disordered relationship with food still, even 6 years on. But I’m still mostly in control and feel the need to take care of myself.

I feel that food is more like fuel now. I feel
I eat to live instead of live to eat. But let my hair down here and there as I still love food And I still get triggered by it. But not for long. And my fail safe takes over. Little rituals and crutches to help me and then I’m in control again.

Honestly, as harsh as it sounds. Make the decision to do it. And get on with it. Throw yourself into it. It’s all about you. You are worthy.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Just lose the weight if you don’t like being fat. Excuse me stating the bleeding obvious.

Amazing! An actual living brain donor.

Great come back!

I hate myself - always have. I can’t help feeling that, if I have a heart attack because I make such bad food decisions, the world wouldn't be any worse off.

I am fat. Size 18/20. 15st. 5"4.

I love myself. I love food: it's joyous and delicious and fills me with happiness.
I love fashion. It's joyous and beautiful and makes me look fabulous.

I wish I could be just as I am and live long. As far as I am concerned my size is fine. I look fine. I feel great. But smokers say the same. And I feel the vague guilt of knowing I'll die young/ make myself sick, in the way I imagine smokers do. But day to day. Like smokers love smoking more than their health? I love eating and being me , more than my health.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I hate myself - always have. I can’t help feeling that, if I have a heart attack because I make such bad food decisions, the world wouldn't be any worse off.

Stop that!

@Vickles20 what an inspiring, thoughtful post. I’d also like to suggest volunteer work. Helping others, even a few hours a week, makes you feel better about yourself, makes a difference to someone else’s life and gives you a distraction from the negative thoughts. E.g. Do you have a local dog rescue? Most people do. The dogs need to be walked until they’re rehomed, you can choose how many hours a week to help, you’re getting exercise and you’re making a huge difference to that dog who will probably spend the rest of the day in a cage. I do two hours twice a week and it always improves my mood.

*Yes. It is as simple as

LESS IN (food)
MORE OUT (exercise)*

Hmm, no, if that’s all it took for you then that’s great and I’m happy for you but count yourself lucky.

I’m fat and I’m successful (well I’m happy with where I’ve got).

25 mins fast walking tonight is great. Please give yourself credit for that.

When I hit my 40s I was at my heaviest and realised I’d wasted loads of my 20s and 30s disliking myself for being overweight when I actually looked great. Suddenly decided that I’d leave others to waste effort judging me if they wanted to (inc my horrid boss) but I gave up constantly judging myself. It’s amazing how judging yourself is soooo tiring. I haven’t lost the weight yet, and ok I sometimes look in the mirror and a bit of judgement creeps back, but I am much MUCH happier. And I’m fitter cos I’m exercising more.

Please be kind to yourself and just feel sorry for those who have nothing better to do than judge. You sound lovely.

Wingdefender might want to keep in mind that you can change a bodyshape but you can't change a shitty, judgemental, crass, ugly personality.

OP I think change can only come from a bit of compassion and love, not self-hatred. Good luck.

@PolarnOPirate

*Yes. It is as simple as

LESS IN (food)
MORE OUT (exercise)*

Hmm, no, if that’s all it took for you then that’s great and I’m happy for you but count yourself lucky.

Dedication and hard work mostly. But to actually stop procrastinating. Stop making excuses. Stop deluding myself. Plain and simple. Get on with it.
It’s what I said to myself and I put myself first.

It is as simple as that. Why complicate it? I have all the reasons, all the excuses in the world to continue to eat myself into an early grave. Both parents dying when I was a child. And being sent to a loveless adopted family. But why should I allow it to effect and rule over my life for a minute longer? I chose to take control of my life, my unhealthy addictions, and put myself first.

It’s not luck. It’s hard work and determination and desperation to live a happy, healthy and long life for me, aswell as my family. I don’t want to die young like my parents. I want to live. Don’t you?

Ok I've had issues with fluctuating weight over the years and have spent more time not liking my body and feeling rubbish about my failings.

Recently I've just got fed up (with that way of thinking) and curious about whether or not I have to feel this way.

I don't know how or why but I got a chink of thinking well why don't I just accept my body. It doesn't mean I don't want to improve for long-term health reasons. Well it was kind of liberating. You have to keep hold of it though as anything can put you back, even a friend saying ugh I feel fat, must lose weight, can put the narrative in your head again.

So having some curiosity to question preconceived notions is good, courage to change set ways of thinking, and kindness to let yourself change goals.

More practically, I definitely recommend buying some nice clothes. I bought myself some jeans that fit and I feel good in them.