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How do you not hate yourself for being fat?

84 replies

sodisgustedwithmyself · 16/04/2021 20:53

I do, and I'm convinced it's making it worse.

For context, I'm 21 stone, size 24-26 so I'm properly fat; have been since early childhood . I've never felt self confident, or happy with what I see in the mirror .

Having therapy at the moment and she's asked me to make a conscious effort to look for women (and men) who are overweight - or obese - and that come across very confident, happy, respected in their career .

I'm also supposed to write a list of reasons of why me being obese doesn't make me disgusting .

I'm struggling a lot. In my head, it's all just awful and trying to dress it up doesn't make it better - but therapist and GP keep saying I won't lose a pound feeling as I do, because I'm not in the right place mentally to stick to healthy eating .

Therapist did say concentrate on feeling 'powerful' - so I'm trying for example to exercise gently (knackering my knees and feet in the process) and concentrating on how that makes me feel physically . That's helping a little but then I go for a shower and find I cringe as I'm still so bloody fat . It's like a constant horrible criticising monologue in my mind .

How do you separate it all? Is it possible to feel genuinely happy, self confident and then start losing?

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 17/04/2021 09:54

It is to a degree eating less and moving more but you have to get to a place where that feels worth going through, you have to actually want to do it and feel you're worth doing it for. Plus it takes a fucking long time so you have to sustain that motivation and weather through ups and downs, times of stress, all of the usual life stuff that just keeps on going. It's not easy or quick.

I think sometimes people who've never been more than a stone overweight don't understand how big and long and seemingly impossible a journey it is when you're more overweight and how fruitless it can feel at times. Eg. when I was 'overweight' (in my mind) before if I lost half a stone I could see it!

I put on a lot of weight after a major surgery and what I now realise was a major trauma of a freakishly rare health event that should have killed me but luckily I got into theatre just in time. It was major surgery with major recovery time and I now realise major impacts on my mental health too.

Over the last year I've lost about 23lbs. I actually lost a stone and a half through the first lockdown and over the summer then got stuck for September, October and then having to teach through the winter lockdowns, gyms being closed, being stressed and exhausted I managed to put 12lbs back on.

I've lost just over a stone again since February. I don't 'see' much difference. If I was relying on 'looking slimmer' as a motivation I'd be fucked because I'm still bloody fat! That's one of the things people don't get unless they've ever faced down having to lose 4 stone plus. It's a long journey and if you're looking at where you are now and where you want to be it feels ridiculous, impossible, miserable, etc.

To be able to be willing to go on that long hard journey and keep getting back up and back on when you fall off the wagon etc takes a lot. You need the self worth etc to get started but you're gaining it more once you're on that journey and making progress and taking better care of yourself. So you need the spark to start but the journey itself kindles that spark itms? It becomes good in itself, you realise you feel proud of yourself that you went to the gym and stuck at it on the treadmill (even if like me you're only walking uphill whilst your slim friend on the treadmill next to you is running - a nice perk is you're burning way more calories than her anyway because it takes more energy to move a bigger body). You realise your mood is better when you do go than when you don't so when you really don't feel like going next time a voice in you says come on, you rarely 'want' to go but you're always glad you did. Your energy levels start to improve.

You notice you feel better when you don't eat crap and that when you do you feel tired and sluggish and your skin doesn't look good. Or you sleep better or you start doing other things with your time and finding more energy and time in your life because switching up some habits in one area has knock on effects.

I'm still nearly 14 stone. I'm 5'7 so that equates to wearing size 18-20 for me. This is not helped by the fact that unlike those fat celebrities you see who fat seems to spread out over I in fact just develop a massive belly and boobs hanging on the front of me looking like it's been stuck on. I have no idea how to dress! Whenever I look in larger size clothes shop everything is shiny and highly patterned and colourful and just so.not.me.

I've often thought wouldn't it be good if I could just embrace being fat but I can't. I hate that my face and cheekbones and eyes were my best feature but just disappear when I get fat.

Sorry this is a long post and probably not at all helpful but I guess I'm trying to say that losing a lot of weight is a long and challenging journey but that there are multiple rewards in it and once you start it you can start enjoying the journey itself rather than looking at where you want to get to. It kind of doesn't matter where you get to if you're improving your life and your health and feeling better in yourself and still going. I'd like to lose at least another 3stone and that sounds like a crazy amount so I just focus on each day, each week much as I would if I were an alcoholic in AA taking one day at a time.

Don't hate yourself - easy said but honestly I'd look into some metta meditation techniques which focus on directing compassion to yourself and fostering a friendlier, kinder voice in your head that influences how you live and treat yourself and others. Be kind to yourself - it's a skill that can be learned.

ElsasFrozenVerucca · 17/04/2021 09:58

@TheHoneyBadger

I lost a stone and nobody noticed so I do get what you mean! It was quite disheartening

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 17/04/2021 10:24

If you want to see someone fat and powerful how about Eddie Hall one of the world's strongest men. He won the World's Strongest Man at his fattest because you need to bulk up to build that muscle. I mean I bet no-one put him down for being fat, they called him The Beast and admire him. This guy is fat but he sees himself as an athlete who needs to be big, so he doesn't feel bad about himself. When he decided to get fit and lose some weight (so he could fight the guy who beat his strongest man title in a boxing match) he had a big mental advantage because he has all that confidence. In one point of view he is just a fat guy going on a diet but you just know he never thinks of himself that way, why not it's the same thing, he is still fat? He thinks the way that gets him to his goal and it's a positive circle as that makes him even more confident. The opinions of other people affect us a lot so it's a lot easier to feel good about yourself if you are validated the way he is, of course, but it does also come from within, it can be controlled. If you can learn to control your perception of yourself then you can use that to help modify your behaviour. Maybe your fat was also gained in the process of something worthwhile (having kids?) Maybe you are a strong person too.

How do you not hate yourself for being fat?

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TheHoneyBadger · 17/04/2021 10:42

As well as the metta meditation I'd recommend doing some very gentle, very connecting with your body, yoga. I think when we hate our body we kind of disconnect from it and that can make it hard to get into your body and begin to enjoy moving in any way and in fact can make us resist doing anything that brings our body into our consciousness. Linking one below that's supposedly for ptsd but has that gentle quality to it.

It's become fashionable for yoga to be some kind of workout but there is good stuff out there. I have a friend whose a yin yoga teacher which is all about connecting into the body and releasing connective tissue etc rather than moving about and getting sweaty so I'll see if I can dig out one of her videos.

There are other things to love about our body than they how they look and in the past I've found tuning back into my body and my movements etc has actually helped me begin losing weight in itself.

numberthirtytwoWindsorGardens · 17/04/2021 17:54

I haven't read the whole thread, OP, so I'm sorry if this has already been said, but - what would you say to a friend who was overweight? Would you call her disgusting, or unworthy? You sound utterly lovely, so I'm pretty sure you wouldn't even take it into consideration: you'd focus on her lovely smile, her kindness when you're sad, her whipcrack sense of humour. And you certainly wouldn't let her talk about herself the way you talk about yourself.

Perhaps try to look at it in that light? Sending you Flowers

Crunchymum · 17/04/2021 19:04

@Vickles20

I appreciate all that you say and your hard work and dedication is inspiring, but the one thing you cannot give someone is that fire / Lightbulb moment.

I know all the theory, I've read all the books, I have a medical condition that will ease if I dropped a few stone. Everyday I wake and I want to be better, I want to have my defining moment, it just hasn't happened.

I know it does and can happen (I lost 3 stone 15 years ago and kept it off for 10 of them) but I also know that it is like walking through treacle if your mind isn't right and getting your mind right is the hardest part.

TheHoneyBadger · 17/04/2021 19:13

Smokers who wait for their lightbulb moment to give up tend to die smoking.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 17/04/2021 19:23

I agree you may never get that lightbulb moment. One thing I read is that if motivation is low make your plan easier doing something is better than doing nothing when it comes to your health and you may find one small success leads you take another small step and so on.

TheHoneyBadger · 17/04/2021 19:24

Exactly. Sitting waiting for inspiration to strike is odd. Baby steps and gather momentum. Motivation and will power is a bit of a myth.

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