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Original poster

Overcoming wanting to live in different places?

42 replies

littlepieces · 12/04/2021 23:52

I've got a great DP who I've been with for four years, and we're very happy. We're hoping to move out of London in the near future as both of us will now be working from home indefinitely.

But... he's very homely, close with his family, and wants to live forever near his parents and friends he grew up with in Sussex. The area is OK, but a bit dull suburban, and also a bit Hot Fuzz. It's also obscenely expensive to rent and buy there. I've always wanted to move up north to the countryside. I lived in Yorkshire for a few years when I was younger and think it's beautiful. We'd have loads of hiking, cycling etc. on our doorstep, which we both love. I also have dual NZ citizenship and would love to go and live there again for a while someday (not forever). But DP is not interested in that at all.

It's something he just will not compromise on - he's a very open minded, intelligent man, but oddly narrow minded when it comes to this topic. He just likes places he knows. I think if I moved down to his home area I'd be a bit miserable and feel like I'd settled for a life I don't really want. Is this the end of the relationship? Anyone else made this kind of problem work?

OP posts:
Phrenologist · 13/04/2021 06:25

Honestly, it quite possibly is the end. Not only would I not want to continue in a relationship with someone who refused to compromise to take account of what I wanted, but it sounds like you want very different things, and not just geographically — you’re interested in living in new places that excite you, and in living overseas, whereas he wants to retreat to what he knows and will not consider anything else. Did you plan children together? I’d be rethinking if I didn’t want to be permanently stuck in Sussex with his family and old school friends.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/04/2021 06:38

littlepieces tbh that does sound like a complete deal breaker to me. There are a few things you need to be on the same page as a long term/ lifetime partner as (whether or not you want children if possible, whether or not you'd bring those children up within a religion, how closely your lives are entwined or otherwise with family of origin) and where you want to live, and whether you are flexible about that is one of those handful of deal breaking things.

I couldn't have married someone who wasn't open to being a bit nomadic - we've settled in one place to raise a family but moved around before and discuss other countries we might move to once the kids are old enough to be expected to be independent or come with as adults. I did once have a boyfriend who's life ambition was to be able to afford a detached house in the same town as his parents - whilst that was a financially relatively ambitious goal given where they lived, it was also a complete turn off, and the relationship didn't last! For other people a partner with itchy feet would be a complete deal breaker - lits of people are miserable living more than a short drive from their extended family, who all live in one place. Its a completely different mindset and the two don't work together within a marriage!

There is no compromise - one of you has to give up your preference in order to completely slot in with the other one's preference. Therefore one of you will always be miserable. No matter how nice he is, it's a deal-breaker.FlowersBrew

Original poster
littlepieces · 13/04/2021 08:31

Thank you. It's awful because we get on so well but yeah, all he wants from life is to buy a house near his parents and join the local football club again. I think that's fine and great he has a good relationship with them, and is happy with a simple life, but I'll get bored and probably resentful. I'm not very close with my family so have given him the benefit of the doubt because I'm conscious I don't understand his motivations.

@Phrenologist Neither of us wants kids.

OP posts:
Ilovetheseventies · 13/04/2021 09:07

I think you can make it work if you want to. If you are going to have children you may benefit from his family being close by.
Also you have to settle down eventually.
I had travelled lots and then moved up to Scotland and I didn't like the town I was in at all but I got used to it. But if you can't see things working out then best to end it soon.

WandaLust101 · 13/04/2021 09:17

I strongly advise against compromising on this. You already know that you’ll get bored. Please don’t wait around or make a sacrifice like this, it sounds like you would really regret it further down the line.

thecatsthecats · 13/04/2021 10:15

Wow, this is freaky. I'm in a slightly similar situation, right down to the NZ citizenship.

Fortunately my husband is open to living away from his family and now actively wants to leave the city for rural living (partly down to how much he enjoyed NZ!). I'm also not fixed on a permanent location either - I've enjoyed every move we've made, and would hate the idea of settling to one dreary suburb for life.

I think you have to really thrash this out and be ready to walk away, unfortunately. It's such a big difference to compromise on.

notagainmummy · 13/04/2021 10:28

Cut your losses as you don't seem ultimately compatible. Having children will often glue this kind of incompatibility together, but as it's not on the cards, you need to be true to yourself.

Phrenologist · 13/04/2021 10:31

@WandaLust101

I strongly advise against compromising on this. You already know that you’ll get bored. Please don’t wait around or make a sacrifice like this, it sounds like you would really regret it further down the line.
Absolutely to this. No relationship is worth sacrificing the kind of life you actually want for, plus it would founder under the pressure for it to have been worth it when one person is living a life they find dull and unfulfilling purely for the sake of the other.

Also, I'd have to ask myself if he's really the one for you longterm if all he wants is to live near his parents and rejoin the local football club -- the idea bores me even typing it out. You sound equally bored by the prospect and I don't blame you. That kind of life wouldn't suit me at all.

Also you have to settle down eventually.

I don't think that's true, especially now, when careers no longer necessarily involve longterm or lifelong jobs at distinct geographic locations. I've moved around the world a lot, and at 48 moved country again late in 2019 -- we'll probably stay here for a while for the sake of DS's education, but we definitely also have plans to live in other countries again.

lightand · 13/04/2021 10:33

I would give it a go, and see what happens.

The Relationship Board on MN always seems in favour of people splitting up. No idea why.

lightand · 13/04/2021 10:34

Now seen this is in Chat. But hey ho!

Honeyroar · 13/04/2021 10:40

I moved to my ex’s home town for similar reasons. I hated it. I felt lonely and bored. We got engaged and planned a wedding but thankfully we split just before the wedding because he’d cheated (horrible at the time!). He is now still in his boring little town with his boring little wife that has also never left the town (so they’re very suited). I was like you, loved travel, loved the countryside. I’m now settled in Yorkshire with someone more like me!

Phrenologist · 13/04/2021 10:40

@lightand

I would give it a go, and see what happens.

The Relationship Board on MN always seems in favour of people splitting up. No idea why.

Well, in this case, they want completely different things out of life, and the OP's partner isn't prepared to compromise on his vision of settling down permanently to live the suburban dream. That sounds like an excellent reason to split.
Flippyferloppy · 13/04/2021 10:54

As an expat I've seen this kind of situation around me many times. I'm afraid that people pretty much always end up splitting up

MrsTophamHat · 13/04/2021 10:56

I agree that it's pretty fundamental and likely to breed resentment.

I had a very strong vision all my life of wanting to be near family and raise our children together. I would not have compromised on that for a partner who wanted to move hours away.

Phrenologist · 13/04/2021 10:59

@MrsTophamHat

I agree that it's pretty fundamental and likely to breed resentment.

I had a very strong vision all my life of wanting to be near family and raise our children together. I would not have compromised on that for a partner who wanted to move hours away.

That sounds like what the OP's boyfriend wants, minus the children, but it sounds to me as if she got an artificially/temporarily adventurous version of him off his home territory because they met in London. Now he's reverting to type, and she's realised their ideas of what life should be like are totally opposed.
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/04/2021 11:02

If neither of you want kids, then I think "settling" for his vision of life isn't worth it. Staying local to parents is ideal when you want to raise a family and suburbia suits (generally) having kids.

You clearly dont want the life he does. And having no kids means (work aside), lots and lots of baggage free freedom for you.

If you wanted to settle into the life he wants, fine. But it just sounds the opposite of what you want from life.

daretodenim · 13/04/2021 11:09

If you've compromised about where you live, it'll naturally sit there. Any time compromise is needed in the future, somewhere in you you'll expect that he compromises because you've already done a massive one that impacts you daily. Meanwhile, whatever he says now, he'll end up taking it for granted/not seeing the compromise you're making all the time. If you don't end up resentful and ultimately splitting, it'd be a surprise.

However, people are all different and maybe you can make massive compromises and then let go of the fact you've done it (even when it impacts your daily life). If so, then moving to his home could work out well.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/04/2021 11:15

@lightand

I would give it a go, and see what happens.

The Relationship Board on MN always seems in favour of people splitting up. No idea why.

Why recommend she gives it a go and not him?

People recommend splitting when its abundantly clear that the relationship is poles apart on major issues.

Camomila · 13/04/2021 11:18

I think I would break up with him. My friend comes from the opposite side if the UK from her DH, they lived in his home town for a bit and she was miserable, now they are living in her home town and he's miserable and wants to move back home. They have DC though so it's harder to just break up.

Porcupineintherough · 13/04/2021 11:23

If you dont want kids fgs dont tie yourself down to this settled sort of life when it's clearly not what you want. There is no compromise bw NZ and Sussex unless you plan a few years in the UAE.

Far, far better to separate on a regretful note than to wait until you are seething w resentment.

Phrenologist · 13/04/2021 11:26

maybe you can make massive compromises and then let go of the fact you've done it (even when it impacts your daily life). If so, then moving to his home could work out well

But why would she want to, though? What's in it for the OP? The ambivalent 'prize' of a man who's made it clear he wouldn't make an equivalent sacrifice for her.

Cocksinsocks · 13/04/2021 11:34

What's your suggested compromise op?

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 13/04/2021 12:52

Cocksinsocks there is no compromise here. The same way if one partner wants a big family of 4+ children and the other doesn't want children, 2 children isn't a compromise! Its an all or nothing.

Its precisely because the couple are unmarried, by the sounds of it don't own property together yet, crucially don't have children and are at a leaping off point in their relationship four years in and discussing a big move together out of London - that they should split now instead of one living the other's prefered way until resentment builds. How much worse to move to live his dream hometown life and become increasingly resentful over the next 20 years, buying a house the OP doesn't want and working flat out to pay a huge mortgage to live somewhere she doesn't want to live, accumulating joint possessions, pets, friends, until something gives and they split then, with far more mess - or they never split but the OP lives out her life resentful over all the lost opportunities...

StopCryingYourHeartOut · 13/04/2021 12:55

I've had a similar circumstance but more extreme in that it's opposite ends of the world involved.

Unfortunately, it has ended my marriage as ultimately my husband started to resent me for where we were living (my home place). I had already tried living in his and didn't like it that's why we came to my home place but then he simply got as unhappy as I was over there.

MyVisionsComeFromSoup · 13/04/2021 13:04

this was one of the reasons I left H after 30 years together - he was happy living in the town where he grew up, I wasn't, and no matter how much I tried to discuss compromises, he wouldn't listen. It took till all the DC had left home before I did anything about it though, would have caused too much disruption because of our particular family situation for me to have split any earlier, but I do think sometimes about having been able to be happier over the past 15 or so years, despite making the best of the situation.

Do think about making changes before DC come along and you get stuck in "but the schools here are so good", and "it's so great having GPs round the corner". It's a damn sight harder once that's where you are.