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Original poster

Overcoming wanting to live in different places?

42 replies

littlepieces · 12/04/2021 23:52

I've got a great DP who I've been with for four years, and we're very happy. We're hoping to move out of London in the near future as both of us will now be working from home indefinitely.

But... he's very homely, close with his family, and wants to live forever near his parents and friends he grew up with in Sussex. The area is OK, but a bit dull suburban, and also a bit Hot Fuzz. It's also obscenely expensive to rent and buy there. I've always wanted to move up north to the countryside. I lived in Yorkshire for a few years when I was younger and think it's beautiful. We'd have loads of hiking, cycling etc. on our doorstep, which we both love. I also have dual NZ citizenship and would love to go and live there again for a while someday (not forever). But DP is not interested in that at all.

It's something he just will not compromise on - he's a very open minded, intelligent man, but oddly narrow minded when it comes to this topic. He just likes places he knows. I think if I moved down to his home area I'd be a bit miserable and feel like I'd settled for a life I don't really want. Is this the end of the relationship? Anyone else made this kind of problem work?

OP posts:

Original poster

littlepieces · 14/04/2021 23:42

Thanks for all the replies, this has really helped.

He's not a stubborn, uncomprising person or anything at all. He's just really close with his family, and has a really tight knit group of friends he's had since childhood. Which is nice in some ways I guess, and I'd hate to tear him away from what he really wants.

I think he's also just a lot more easily contented than I am. I'm always looking for the next experience. That's what I think life is all about, whereas his family are everything to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

littlepieces · 14/04/2021 23:45

I think I'll have an up front talk with him and lay everything on the table.

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 15/04/2021 00:01

He's geographically undesirable. You need to move on.

TheFourOhFour · 15/04/2021 09:06

@littlepieces

Thanks for all the replies, this has really helped.

I think he's also just a lot more easily contented than I am. I'm always looking for the next experience. That's what I think life is all about, whereas his family are everything to him.

I'm more concerned about you being the one who 'compromises' herself into a dull life she fundamentally doesn't want.

I'm like you. I love a new place, a new language, different air, a new landscape. Left to myself, I'd probably move on every couple of years. DH is similar, and we've lived in a lot of different countries, separately and together. I'll happily stay where we've just moved to for a few years because of DS's education though this is also somewhere we chose because it's close to the coast, near beautiful places I'm dying to explore properly, and has a lot going on culturally but we're both clear on wanting to live in other countries again.

ScarletZebra · 15/04/2021 09:28

I grew up in a city and married a man from a little market town. We spent 27 years living somewhere with nothing going on. The DC were born there, so we were stuck. We moved house a few times but he always refused to even look at anywhere in any nearby cities.

10 years ago my office closed and I took a job in another city. I wish I had done it years ago. There is loads to do, always something happening and (covid aside) we finally have a life.

If I had known then what I know now I would never have agreed to move to DH's town.

underneaththeash · 15/04/2021 11:18

I had a couple of non-negotiables before DH and I got married. Firstly, I didn’t ever want to live in another country and secondly, I didn’t want to have my MIL living with us.
I wouldn’t have compromised on either.
You have to decide if you do.

BrilliantBetty · 15/04/2021 11:29

You will grow to resent him. Which is unfair because he's clear about what he wants / where he wants to be.

But it doesn't suit you or the life you want to lead so unfortunately much as you love him.. you are not a good fit. It's sad but it would be much more upsetting not to get the chance to live where and how you'd like to.

poppycat10 · 15/04/2021 11:42

Is there really no scope for compromise? I am not what you mean by Hot Fuzz but places like Brighton and Chichester are not boring and are in Sussex. And you have the South Downs nearby. Plus ferries to France from Newhaven.

I'd be more concerned about having to be really close to his parents if that means you have to see them every weekend. MN is full of stories of people who get tied into arrangements to see their in-laws every weekend and don't have a life of their own.

Of course if you do want to go to NZ and he really doesn't, you may have to split. I think he should be open to going for at least a year or two - it could be interesting for him and an extended (working) holiday.

MaryMow22 · 15/04/2021 11:46

Could a compromise be that you have a home base in his town but you commit to lots of travel (will he job allow that?). So for 1-2 months a year you could do a house swap or an extended stay somewhere else? That way you have consistency and security while fulfilling your desire to move around? I don't know, if everything else in this relationship is solid I wouldn't give up so easily!

FeistySheep · 15/04/2021 11:55

I don't think either of you is wrong. But if it is a good relationship, it would definitely be good if you can both agree to give it a go living in both places for three months/six months/whatever. Obviously this would only be possible with home-working / understanding employers / if you find a time when you're leaving a job anyway. If you still can't agree, maybe you can work out an alternate years kind of plan, or summers and winters, or similar. If not though, you will have to both choose what's most important to you - partner or place.

From my own experience, if it helps... I am extremely extremely attached to the place I am from. Pre-marriage, I would have said this was more important than any individual man. I would have rathered live alone in my home area than move away to an urban area to be in a relationship. But, now I am actually with someone I adore, I would pick him, even if he had to move somewhere which I thought was horrendous. Even if he was in jail, or had to live in one room in a cellar with rats. I love him more than I love the place I am from. BUT if he died, I would go back to feeling that the place I am from is worth more to me than any man!

Because of this, I think it's very easy for people to say 'place is more important than your partner'. But they do not have your feelings for your partner. Only you know which is of greater importance to you.

Splann · 15/04/2021 12:12

My DH was quite similar when I first met him. He was set on living and working where he’d grown up and seemed fine with a conventional job and conventional life. It did worry me, the idea of it was slightly terrifying! The first five years together I spent a lot of time living and working abroad combined with lots of travel. He came to visit me lots and travelled with me too. It must have opened his eyes to other possibilities as we ended up living overseas together for a while. We now live a fairly unconventional life and we are planning on another big change in a couple of years. We are so far away from living the traditional suburban life (thank god) and lots of it has been driven by him. I wouldn’t have thought it possible when I first met him. I honestly think that another way of living just hadn’t occurred to him as his siblings and lots of friends stayed put. It almost seemed like the done thing and the life of least resistance.

We’ve been together 20 years.

Good luck, I hope you can make things work out for you.

northernmonkeymummy · 13/01/2022 11:09

I know this post is a few months old but can I ask what you decided to do?
I'm in a similar situation but we have a child and I want to move back to my home town where we will have a far better quality of life, my child will get to grow up around family/friends, where we won't miss birthday parties, christening and other events because we live too far away, we will have a support network and my parents will get to see their grandchild regularly and build up the special bond I had with mine. Instead we live 5 hours drive away with no family close by, ( we barley see our in laws) no support network, in a house that needs renovating that's quite isolated so adds to my loneliness, it has had a huge effect on my mental health and what I thought I wanted 9 years ago when we met is now different, I think having children changes what you want and what is important.
I've tried over and over again to talk to him but he gets all defensive and says this was always my plan (which it wasn't but as time goes by what you want changes) then we end up arguing, so I can't talk to him anymore, I know it upsets my Mum to hear how unhappy I am so try not to talk to her about it, hence coming on here. He says we can move up there in 5 years but think he just says that to please me and shut me up because whenever we go to stay there in my house after 5 days he's had enough and wants to come home so deep down I know he'd not want to be there permanently. I'd not mind but it's probably one of the most beautiful areas of the UK and many would give anything to live there or have a second home.
I have spent nearly 20 years travelling and living away from home but always went back as much as I could, now we are stuck to school holidays it's getting harder and harder to go as much as I'd like as it's too far to go for just a weekend.
My partner however, wants to stay down South and it's made me resent him so much it is ruining our relationship I'm now pregnant with our second child and cry most days because I hate where I live and I am worried it will split us up but even then I'd not get to go back home as I'd not want my children growing up so far away from their Dad, so guess I'm stuck here.
Sorry for the long post think I'm more emotional today as my Grandad has been admitted to hospital and I'm too far away to do anything which just adds to me hating where I live.

CharSiu · 13/01/2022 12:07

If couples cannot amicably agree on an area to live in there will always be resentment somewhere. As much as support networks are a valid argument someone still ends up where they don’t want to live. @northernmonkeymummy you are very correct that life perspective can change radically when children come along. We have always lived very far from family but most of mine live overseas. Have you had any help with the deterioration in your mental health? I have no idea what your financial situation is but if you can afford it pay for some therapy to unravel your feelings, maybe couples therapy? In your situation it sounds like someone will always feel frustrated. Sorry about your Grandad.

northernmonkeymummy · 14/01/2022 13:01

I'm lucky we have private health so could get to see someone through that but as I know it's where we live that gets me down not sure how talking about it will help, couples therapy is an option if I can persuade him. It's as if he has a barrier up to moving to where I want to live and doesn't seem to take into account I've spent nearly 9 years living where he wants to and now we have a family I want to be close to mine, he makes me feel guilty for wanting to move. I think it doesn't help he's not close to his own family at all and can go months without seeing or speaking to them where as I'm on the phone daily to my Mum and hate how much she misses out on with her only grandchild. I will look into therapy as even if it helps a bit that's a good thing.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 14/01/2022 13:12

Don’t compromise where you live. You’ll grow to really resent your dp, and become too entrenched to leave.

HollowTalk · 14/01/2022 13:17

@lightand

I would give it a go, and see what happens.

The Relationship Board on MN always seems in favour of people splitting up. No idea why.

Because the consequences of the OP "giving it a go" are that she sacrifices her desires to his and gets to live in a place she doesn't want to live and mix with people she has no connection to.

Just because people get on, it doesn't mean they should give up their hopes and dreams for each other.

WildShark · 08/10/2024 09:45

Hi @northernmonkeymummy

I am currently in a similar situation to you. I know this is an old post but I am wondering what you decided to do in the end ?
My partner has been unhappy in my hometown ever since we moved there nearly a decade ago . I caved in and we moved down south a month ago with our two children. The eldest has settled in well and the youngest is only a toddler so she is flexible. I miss my mom , friends and familiarity. Not sure I made a right decision. He says he won’t go back to my hometown. I am wondering if I can grow to love it or will it just breed resentment over the years ?

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