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Original poster

Would you stop taking your child to see your parents if they were like this?

98 replies

again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:00

I've posted before about my parents. They just don't enjoy seeing DD who is their only grandchild.
My father in particular is very set in his ways. He's 72 and a pessimistic person who isn't interested in small children and didn't enjoy/want his own (he's told me this several times over the years).
They used to do childcare one day a week when I was working but agreed to stop mutually as they found it difficult, which is fine.
I didn't see them during lockdown obviously, and I've just started to take DD there on a Friday afternoon, for 3-4 hours. Last week DD was getting out some tealight candles from a cupboard (they don't have locks on their cupboard) she wasn't doing any harm as she just likes arranging/counting things. My dad was getting stressed that she was making a mess and told her to stop, when she protested that she was just playing he shouted loudly at her to shut up and said she should do what she was told. DD got upset and so sat with my mum playing with a sticker book...my dad started complaining and getting annoyed that she was creasing the pages!! Shock
DD is 3.4 for context.
I feel like I shouldn't take DD to their house anymore, it's too stressful and I don't want her to go where she is not wanted.
DD can be a fiesty girl, I'm biased obviously but she's interesting at this age and a joy to be with.
Friends parents seem to dote on their grandchildren, mine can't seem to enjoy seeing theirs for a few hours a week.

Am I unreasonable, is it them...or somewhere in the middle?
It's sad as they are my parents and I love them. I wish they were a little more tolerant.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 09/04/2021 11:02

I think it's never ok for a grandparent to shout loudly at a child but I also think it's quite shocking that she said "I'm just playing" when told to stop getting things that aren't hers out of the cupboards.

I fully understand his desire to not allow that sort of thing...he's in his 70s and doesn't want to have part in that sort of thing.

I would take her less often and I would police her better. I definitely don't think the shouting is ok....if he did it again I would stop taking her.

StressedTired · 09/04/2021 11:04

She shouldn't have been going into their cupboards, but aside from that one point it sounds like a very stressful environment that I would want to avoid. How is your mum with your daughter? Would it be better to meet your mum out somewhere or her come to you, leave your dad out of the visits completely? If he reacts like that to little things she will soon dread going and probably refuse to go.

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:07

My mum loves her and has much more patience. I suppose when it gets a bit warmer we can meet her in the park. DD said this morning that she didn't want to go to Grandma and grandads Sad

OP posts:

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3 year olds Families
Floralnomad · 09/04/2021 11:11

Don’t take her or just pop in for 20 minutes and take something with you that you know will entertain her just so your mum ( poor woman) gets to maintain a relationship with her . The alternative is to invite your mum out with you and your daughter now the weather is better .

StressedTired · 09/04/2021 11:14

@again2020

My mum loves her and has much more patience. I suppose when it gets a bit warmer we can meet her in the park. DD said this morning that she didn't want to go to Grandma and grandads Sad
Well then if things continue as they are your mum's relationship with your daughter will suffer because I expect she will be on edge waiting for your dad to get annoyed. Much better to invite your mum out elsewhere and you can all relax. If you get on with your dad otherwise then just spend time with him without any kids around. Not everyone enjoys being around kids, it's it brings him to the point of shouting just avoid it.
Hoppythehippo · 09/04/2021 11:15

Would you be better meeting your Mum on “neutral territory” or at yours? My parents adore my kids but I can see them wince sometimes when eg a drink is spilled - they’re just not in that mindset anymore. I prefer to meet them for eg a walk in the woods or for them to come to us. They’d never dare shout at my child to shut up though, that’s unacceptable.

But your Dad has made his views perfectly clear - he doesn’t like small children. He isn’t very interested in getting to know your daughter. It’s a shame but I’d stop putting your daughter in the position of being around someone who has been very blunt and clear they don’t want to be involved.

ShutUpAlex · 09/04/2021 11:16

Age maybe? They are quite elderly to have such young grandchildren around. My grandparents are late 60’s early 70’s and enjoy seeing their great grandchildren for an hour or two but it’s too tiring for them to be around them much longer.

Pepper54 · 09/04/2021 11:16

I wouldn’t go. Very simple decision for me. My DD was a good dad to me but no interest in the grandkids, mine or my siblings, he would be very polite but you could tell he just wanted to be left in peace and quiet. They simply didn’t see him, I saw him by myself from time to time and that was it. Some grandparents live for their kids and some find them too much. Anyone shouted at my little one and that’s it, I am gone. I think your little daughter has already figured it out. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, a doting Aunt can take the grandparent spot. Mine have some great Aunts.

MissyB1 · 09/04/2021 11:19

It’s your dad that’s the problem. If you go to their house make it a short visit and take something for dd to do.
But meet your mum at other places or bring her round to your house. Try to encourage your dd’s relationship with Grandma.

ivfbeenbusy · 09/04/2021 11:19

To be honest 3-4 hours is a bit much at her age (and for the grandparents) when it's not in her own home?

That age 2 hours would probably be better and less opportunity to get bored.
I find grandparents - especially older ones - tend to just sit and gawp at young grandchildren rather than interact with them

But she also shouldn't have answered back - she's old enough surely to stop doing something when asked?

TopTabby · 09/04/2021 11:20

My dds were never ever invited to their grandparents' house but I know that if they had it would have been exactly like this. My father sounds very similar to yours & my dm would be on edge & stressed out over his behaviour (whilst enabling it of course).
I knew it would be a miserable experience for my dds, they have a very casual relationship with dm & nothing with my father. It's my parents' loss, I've dealt with it over the years & it just doesn't bother me anymore.
If your relationship with dm is ok then absolutely meet up in parks & cafes so your dd can have an enjoyable experience with her. I'd leave your dad to his miserable ways if I was you.

MajorMujer · 09/04/2021 11:21

I wouldnt take her again, meet your mum outside the house.
I dont think it's an age thing,my mum and dad looked after my 3 year old great niece for 2 mornings a week pre Covid & they are both early 80's but love kids ( they also dog sit & cat sit ).

FortunesFave · 09/04/2021 11:22

she wasn't doing any harm as she just likes arranging/counting things.

I'm like your Dad and that would stress me out a lot. However I would never shout at a child. I think you might need to consider that what you deem acceptable often isn;t for other people.

SuperintendentHastings · 09/04/2021 11:23

No I wouldn't take her and I would tell your parents, gently, why. Your poor little girl.

Strangekindofwoman · 09/04/2021 11:25

I'd get your mum to come to yours.

FlibbertyGiblets · 09/04/2021 11:26

Meet them outside more. The nicer weather will help. Then come autumn and winter you can hope that cafe meets will still be on, and keep going that way.

I haven't seen your other threads about your parents.

SuperintendentHastings · 09/04/2021 11:26

But she also shouldn't have answered back - she's old enough surely to stop doing something when asked?

This all depends on how it was said, surely? 'I'm just playing grandad' in a nice friendly voice is very different from 'Get lost old man I'll do what I like'. Neither is an excuse for her grandfather to shout at her to shut up. Or is that ok for adults to speak to children like that?

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:29

Thanks for all your comments. Regarding the age thing it's tricky as there's 10 years between my parents, my mum is 62 and still seems youthful whereas my dad falls into grumpy old man territory.

But you are correct, he's made his views clear and I shouldn't keep taking her.
My mum won't come here and her and partner don't see eye to eye (topic for another thread) but I'll meet her occasionally outside and at softplay later in the year.

OP posts:
Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:30

@SuperintendentHastings It was...'I'm just playing grandad' said quite gently. I don't think she deserved to be told angrily to shut up.
But he did the same to me so guess it's no suprise.

OP posts:
Pupster21 · 09/04/2021 11:31

3-4 hours every week is a very long time for a 3 year old. I’d cut it down to one hour every other week then increase to one hour weekly if it goes well.
My Grandad can be like your Dad, he doesn’t like things being moved or mess and I just taught my children how to behave in their house. At my other Grandparents they know they are allowed to go in whatever room, in whatever cupboard and get all the toys out (this set of GP’s keep a box or toys). At the stricter GP’s we take quiet toys and they stay on the rug. It’s not a lot of fun but we keep visits short. My grumpy Grandad just finds it exhausting and wouldn’t like 3-4 hours every week.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 09/04/2021 11:35

Your father sounds deeply unpleasant. From the outside it's very hard to see how you can still love him.

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:36

@Chicchicchicchiclana He is but he's still my dad.

OP posts:
Lantanacamara · 09/04/2021 11:39

My Dp's are on the cusp of 70s now and there is a massive difference to how patient they are with db's dc and mine 10 years ago. My DM can only cope with my nephew (a bit younger than your dd) for short periods of time. Much better to invite them to your house OP where your dd can play and your dp's can be more relaxed.

mamaoffourdc · 09/04/2021 11:41

No one should shout at your child however 3.4 is old enough to know not to open cupboards. Pop in for a cup of tea, take a bag full of different toys that she doesn't normally have (maybe a teaser so she can make everyone a cup of tea) then leave after an hour x

emilyfrost · 09/04/2021 11:42

Your dad shouldn’t have shouted, but you don’t seem to be addressing the fact that your daughter should not have been going through their cupboards and taking out their things. She also shouldn’t have talked back, however gently.

With that in mind I suspect you don’t see anything wrong with what she did, which opens itself up to what other behaviours your DD is displaying that you’re not correcting.

He is also within his rights to discipline and/or address her behaviour within his own home if you aren’t going to, but he shouldn’t be shouting.

Your “interesting behaviour” is usually everyone else’s annoyance.

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