Would you stop taking your child to see your parents if they were like this?

[again2020]

I've posted before about my parents. They just don't enjoy seeing DD who is their only grandchild.
My father in particular is very set in his ways. He's 72 and a pessimistic person who isn't interested in small children and didn't enjoy/want his own (he's told me this several times over the years).
They used to do childcare one day a week when I was working but agreed to stop mutually as they found it difficult, which is fine.
I didn't see them during lockdown obviously, and I've just started to take DD there on a Friday afternoon, for 3-4 hours. Last week DD was getting out some tealight candles from a cupboard (they don't have locks on their cupboard) she wasn't doing any harm as she just likes arranging/counting things. My dad was getting stressed that she was making a mess and told her to stop, when she protested that she was just playing he shouted loudly at her to shut up and said she should do what she was told. DD got upset and so sat with my mum playing with a sticker book...my dad started complaining and getting annoyed that she was creasing the pages!!
DD is 3.4 for context.
I feel like I shouldn't take DD to their house anymore, it's too stressful and I don't want her to go where she is not wanted.
DD can be a fiesty girl, I'm biased obviously but she's interesting at this age and a joy to be with.
Friends parents seem to dote on their grandchildren, mine can't seem to enjoy seeing theirs for a few hours a week.

Am I unreasonable, is it them...or somewhere in the middle?
It's sad as they are my parents and I love them. I wish they were a little more tolerant.

We've stopped visiting MIL & FIL in their home because of this. FIL gets very cross and tense about having the DC in his house - they don't even have to do anything, their very presence puts him on edge - and we get pissed off because they're good kids, actually, who they've claimed they want to see, and MIL gets anxious and nervous because she can't keep everyone happy, and in the end everyone's unhappy.

So now if they want to see us they come to visit us, and everyone's happier for it.

DD said this morning that she didn't want to go to Grandma and grandads

There’s the answer then. She doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it, it makes you anxious and your mum can’t keep the peace. There’s no overall benefit to you and your child from these visits.

I don't understand these people saying you should never take your child again. You have a nearly 3.5 year old and shouldn't be going into cupboards that's not hers.

@Metallicalover Well, for me, it's got nothing to do with the cupboards. I would have told my DD to stop and distracted her (we don't know what the op did). I think most people agree that she shouldn't have been doing that not least because there could have been something in there that could hurt her. That's not really the issue for me.

I just wouldn't take her somewhere that she was shouted at and told to shut up. It surprises me that anyone would be ok with this.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Sorry I've been offline for a couple of hours, as we've gone to the park instead of my parents.

My father was 36 when I was born so older, and I wasn't a young mum (32) which explains the ages. My mum is ten years younger and mum looks and acts younger, dad looks and acts older so it is a weird one.

I'm not going to their house for a month or so now. Next week if the good weather continues ill meet my mum at the local park.
My MIL is the total opposite to this so I'll imagine we'll see her more often as lockdown eases.
I should be more strict with DD and set her boundaries. We do try but she is very strong willed. Diversion is a good tactic.

I’d find it weirder to have a 30 year old grandchild at 72 than a 3 year old one.

I don't know anyone in their early 70s with a 30 year old grandchild.

I also think it's quite shocking that she said "I'm just playing" when told to stop getting things that aren't hers out of the cupboards

Shocking? Really? This is a 3 year old child. If that shocks you, how do you cope with life?

I should be more strict with DD and set her boundaries. We do try but she is very strong willed. Diversion is a good tactic.

Absolutely @again2020. I had a very strong willed toddler DD so I know it's hard but if you don't put boundaries in place now you'll be on a hiding to nothing for good. Children need boundaries, it's how they learn. My DD is 14 now and still strong willed but in a good way. She's determined but channels it the right way now.

Good luck OP.

I had a grumpy old man dad as well, but he never shouted at my kids or told them to shut up. I would have drawn a big, fat line at that.

Those posters expecting a three year old to have learned not to answer back, or to understand that you shouldn't get things out of cupboards make me roll my eyes too. She's THREE.

I picture you all hoiking your bosoms and making cats bum mouths.

I never had locks on my cupboards and drawers as I have friends who don't have children. Was hard work explaining boundaries and respect of people property to them but we got there in the end (have two with asd, and adhd)

I cannot say I have never shouted at a child either because I have when they've gone to do something that would hurt them.

I've had parents sit with a daft smile whilst their child has done stuff and continued to carry on despite being asked not to. I've had property damaged because toddlers will be toddlers, what did I expect etc? It's only.. Might only be something like a book but it's still my property and respect of other people's property needs to be taught. Had one daft sod had a go at me when their child injured themselves slamming a cupboard door shut and got their fingers trapped despite asked/told to stop by me.

@Butwasitherdriveway yes don’t you think that’s quite old? All the 72 year olds I know, their grandchildren are my age, as in nearly 30 not 3!

No, its normal. My DDs grandfather is 74, its perfectly normal.
To be 72 and have grandkids in their 30's would be weird....

I think you should have told your daughter not to go in your parents' cupboard rather than you Dad having to address it. When dgs comes here anything I don't want him to touch is moved. I would be unhappy if dd allowed him to take stuff out of cupboards to play with. Dd wouldn't stand by but if she wasn't here I would tell dgs he mustn't go in my cupboards. I wouldn't appreciate any backchat either although I wouldn't shout I would be firm that the cupboards stay closed and he wasn't to touch.

@PerpetualStudent

And jesus, your DD sounds like a lovely inquisitive toddler, who are these miseries who expect a tiny girl to be quiet and well-behaved at all times?! Send her round mine, she’s welcome to rifle through my tea lights

Same here.

Completely surprised by the responses on this thread. If I was at the in-laws I would stop my kids going in the cupboards and answering back, because they're not my parents and I'm on my best behaviour as well lol. But at my own parents house? In the house I grew up in? No way would I be policing cupboards. I might gently remind them of their manners if they answered back (maybe). Granny (72y) is more than a capable of managing a bit of very mild toddler behaviour without resorting to shouting.

Who are these people that stand on ceremony with their own parents. Bizarre.

@HalzTangz

I agree with *@shutupalex* my father is 74, his eldest grandchild is 22, youngest is 13. This is around the same for all my peer group. I don't know any grandparents in their 70s that have toddler grandchildren. Know plenty that have toddler great grandchildren though

There's a toddler grandchild in my family and my parents are that age. It's not ideal - they're too old to have the child as regular childcare and they're starting to have health problems now, but I also know 70 year olds in very good condition. Obviously depends on the length of the generations within a family, but around 30 is average for having children now so it's something that will become more common.

@Pepper54

Another who is very happy for your little DD to come rifle through our cupboards, also very welcome to clatter about and sing and dance.

PerpetualStudent 👋🏻

In households with toddlers, low-level cupboards might contain nothing fragile sharp toxic or precious. But childless households don't have those restrictions on where they keep stuff, so it's not sensible to let a visiting three yr old help themselves to anything within reach.

What age does it become acceptable to have them not go through your cupboards? To damage personal property etc? I

Although have seen some extreme examples over the years and childless people or those with older children told to remove various items from their child's reach, or demands to put various child proofing in place.

I don’t think it’s ever acceptable to let your kids go through petioles cupboards is it? Mine never has.

I would maybe pop by with her to see your mum for an hour max and take a little bag of her toys and things.
It’s really quite sad but that’s who he is so you won’t change him now. I can’t imagine my DF shouting at my DD’s like that when they were little as they were kind and tolerant.
They might have said don’t go in X cupboard if things were breakable.
I think 3-4 hours is way too long for you all.
Also agree to meet your mum for nice outings when the weather improves and just leave dad to his grumpy existence.
God I actually hate grumpy old men I’ve told my DH If he ever goes like this I’m off, telling a 3 year old off for creasing a sticker book !

Parenting standards have changed. I don't mind a 3yo going through my cupboards and most of my friends (with kids) wouldn't either, especially if they were just looking rather than throwing things around. Last time we went to my friend's house my 2yo moved all the cat food into their frying pan cupboard. She just thought it was funny. We saw it as a good thing as we're trying to encourage him to be comfortable and happy in different environments and particularly her house for potential emergency childcare when I go into labour.

But your dad is of a different generation, and that's not OK in his house. While his way of communicating that leaves much to be desired, it's still perfectly reasonable for him to have that boundary. I'd explain this to DD and try and keep a close eye on her while there so you can put a stop to anything like that swiftly but gently. And keep visits much shorter. 3-4 hours is so long to expect both a 3yo to keep to behaviour standards that are stricter than they are used to, and to expect someone old, grumpy and intolerant to tolerate :o

You can have longer visits with your mum only, perhaps when your dad is out (if he goes out at all) or at yours when your partner is out or days out when things open up again.

Perhaps in the meantime, you could have a word with your dad and say that you'll keep DD out of his property, but ask him not to worry about things like a sticker book being used improperly as it's her sticker book, not his. But again it could have been that he was already irritated or on edge because of the earlier (what he sees as) intrusion and misbehaviour as well as the length of the visit. Small children can be exhausting even if you do like them!

Op your dads the same age as mine and mines not a grumpy twat with my dc.

You say he was like it when you were a child so it's not an age thing.

I wouldn't put myself and my dc through awkward and nervous meetings for that length of time because you feel it's what you should do.

Meet your mum outside of the house and the park etc etc and if anything's said tell them it's because you don't feel very welcome

Similar happened here. Fil gets annoyed (and mil doesn’t really do much to comfort the kids) fil gets annoyed at things that are typical child behaviours and tells the kids off.
After a few times of this happening I decided they weren’t going to look after the kids any more alone.
I didn’t want my children to be fearful of their grandparents or worried about being told off for simply being a child.
In my view, grandparents are meant to be patient, loving and someone to turn to- maybe that just my experience with my own lovey grandma.
Now, we just see them as a family only. Pain in the backside as I have absolutely no childcare options but it’s for the best

No way would I expose my very young child to someone shouting Shut up! Nasty.

When our kids were really young their toys were in a toy box and they knew where they were and also learned to put them back. SIL's kids when visiting would always be inside living room units dragging stuff out and being told off. Turns out that SIL insisted that their toys at home should be kept out of sight inside a unit so they just identified all units as places to find toys no matter whose house they were in. Fine grown up kids now but a pain when they were toddlers.