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Original poster

Would you stop taking your child to see your parents if they were like this?

98 replies

again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:00

I've posted before about my parents. They just don't enjoy seeing DD who is their only grandchild.
My father in particular is very set in his ways. He's 72 and a pessimistic person who isn't interested in small children and didn't enjoy/want his own (he's told me this several times over the years).
They used to do childcare one day a week when I was working but agreed to stop mutually as they found it difficult, which is fine.
I didn't see them during lockdown obviously, and I've just started to take DD there on a Friday afternoon, for 3-4 hours. Last week DD was getting out some tealight candles from a cupboard (they don't have locks on their cupboard) she wasn't doing any harm as she just likes arranging/counting things. My dad was getting stressed that she was making a mess and told her to stop, when she protested that she was just playing he shouted loudly at her to shut up and said she should do what she was told. DD got upset and so sat with my mum playing with a sticker book...my dad started complaining and getting annoyed that she was creasing the pages!! Shock
DD is 3.4 for context.
I feel like I shouldn't take DD to their house anymore, it's too stressful and I don't want her to go where she is not wanted.
DD can be a fiesty girl, I'm biased obviously but she's interesting at this age and a joy to be with.
Friends parents seem to dote on their grandchildren, mine can't seem to enjoy seeing theirs for a few hours a week.

Am I unreasonable, is it them...or somewhere in the middle?
It's sad as they are my parents and I love them. I wish they were a little more tolerant.

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 09/04/2021 12:53

She is hard work but as she's an only I'm not sure to what extent all 3 year olds are like that or not.

Some are and some aren't. Mine weren't and as a result I do probably judge a bit more harshly....but then I also see a lot of other parents blithely smiling whilst their kids do things I'd never allow mine to do.

I was at the creek and watched a child of about 8 pulling yabbies (like freshwater lobsters) out and throwing them in a bucket...he was damaging them and getting loads and his Mum and Dad sat their smiling. I would NEVER have done that...yes we let our dd catch Yabbies when she was little...one at a time and to be handled with care and then put back!

Not rammed in a bucket full of them and hurt! You can't eat them or anything!

ANother time I watched two small kids playing in the doorway of a shop...their mum smiled at them as people had to step over and around them.

Bizarre!

Metallicalover · 09/04/2021 12:55

I don't understand these people saying you should never take your child again. You have a nearly 3.5 year old and shouldn't be going into cupboards that's not hers. My 20 month old would have been told no and then distracted to another activity.
Did you take anything for your child to play with? She could draw/colour in with her grandad? Played a simple game, books etc! Have a snack or lunch etc.
As people get older sometimes their tolerance does wear thin. They get more stressed that the child might hurt themselves, touch something they shouldn't. Their reflexes aren't as sharp!

rookiemere · 09/04/2021 13:00

My DF was a bit like this when DS was young. I simply told DM that I wasn't going to visit if he was going to be unpleasant with DS when we were there and she made sure he didn't say anything in future, but he doesn't sound as bad as your DF.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Families
Doveyouknow · 09/04/2021 13:06

I have a similar situation. I agree it's better to meet outside their house if possible. Shorter times and also very close supervision at all times. It's rubbish, I know

TippledPink · 09/04/2021 13:09

I know you said they don't get on with your partner, but can't they come over when partner is not there? My OH doesn't get on with his daughters partner, but he still goes over and visits his grandchildren weekly. The partner just goes up to the bedroom during this time.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/04/2021 13:47

Your df sounds horrible (sounds like he was a horrible dad to you too). I wouldn't see him, personally.

In honesty, 72 isn't ancient. I have a parent that age who is perfectly capable of behaving kindly to a small child.

I wouldn't let anyone aggressively shout at my young child, and I would expect an adult to tell them to shut up.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 13:48

@ShutUpAlex

Age maybe? They are quite elderly to have such young grandchildren around. My grandparents are late 60’s early 70’s and enjoy seeing their great grandchildren for an hour or two but it’s too tiring for them to be around them much longer.
72??!
expectopelargonium · 09/04/2021 13:52

DD can be a fiesty girl

In that case YABU. And as for rummaging in their cupboards and getting candles out to play with, oh dear. Just as well she didn't find the matches and start playing with those when nobody was looking.

You've got to rein her in a bit and teach her what she is and is not allowed to do in someone else's home.

ShutUpAlex · 09/04/2021 13:55

@Butwasitherdriveway yes don’t you think that’s quite old? All the 72 year olds I know, their grandchildren are my age, as in nearly 30 not 3!

IstandwithJackieWeaver · 09/04/2021 13:55

What struck me about your post OP was that your excuse for her going through their cupboards was that they don't have locks on them. She needs to be told she can't just go helping herself to things and going through cupboards, etc. She also shouldn't be answering back. It's partly down to you to set boundaries for her and partly down to them to deal with things appropriately when there is an issue.

Butwasitherdriveway · 09/04/2021 13:56

[quote ShutUpAlex]@Butwasitherdriveway yes don’t you think that’s quite old? All the 72 year olds I know, their grandchildren are my age, as in nearly 30 not 3![/quote]
No? Depends what age you are I suppose

IstandwithJackieWeaver · 09/04/2021 13:57

[quote ShutUpAlex]@Butwasitherdriveway yes don’t you think that’s quite old? All the 72 year olds I know, their grandchildren are my age, as in nearly 30 not 3![/quote]
Really? So no parents who were in their 30s when they had children?

2bazookas · 09/04/2021 13:57

Let her go.

One of the important things to learn in life, is that people are very different and we all live together.

Probably the earliest example children face, are little differences between their parental home, and the grandparents, or the aunts and uncles and cousins. It's a valuable lesson worth learning.A child who has been well socialised in their family circle, acquires the resilience and flexibility to cope in the wider world among strangers.

In a few years time she'll be in school; learning more formal behaviour and rules; encountering different adults, children from many different backgrounds.

ShutUpAlex · 09/04/2021 13:58

Quite unusual where I am.

Onlinedilema · 09/04/2021 14:05

I would arrange to meet up with your mum elsewhere, soft play or park and not for that long a period.

WeatherwaxOn · 09/04/2021 14:06

@ShutUpAlex

Age maybe? They are quite elderly to have such young grandchildren around. My grandparents are late 60’s early 70’s and enjoy seeing their great grandchildren for an hour or two but it’s too tiring for them to be around them much longer.
My mum died when my younger sister was 25. At that time my sister had a small baby. Our Dad had just turned 70 and would happily babysit. My sister had another child a few years later, and I had a child when my sister's oldest was 11. Dad was more than happy to be involved with all of them and look after them when he could. He loved their visits and wasn't at all bothered about any mess. I think age is immaterial. Being unable to do things, or to be so stuck in a routine/so houseproud that any minor disruption ends up in distress is the problem.
HalzTangz · 09/04/2021 14:11

@Leafy12

Boundaries are important yes, but this isn't a boundary issue. I would be fine with someone else's child messing around in my cupboards and taking things out when they are three. I would see that as inquisitive play and let her crack on as long as she wasn't playing with cleaning materials or something that could be harmful to her. We all have different standards about that but that isn't about boundaries. And she doesn't need to have perfect manners at three! Crikey. Let her have a voice.
I disagree, I would be super annoyed if any child of any age started rooting through my cupboards. It is a boundary issue for me, and the child should be taught whilst in other peoples houses to follow their rules
VoyageInTheDark · 09/04/2021 14:13

My parents are in their 70s and they love having their 3yo only granddaughter round. I don't think it's fair to blame it on age.

Hothammock · 09/04/2021 14:13

Every week is probably an overkill for your dad and for your daughter. What 3 year old can sit quietly for 3 hours each week... . My parents see my kids every other year at most and then it's only for a day or two and my dad is very disinterested.
Perhaps you should visit once a month and for a shorter period of time, and then invite your mum to the park on other occasions if she would like to see her gd more frequently.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 09/04/2021 14:15

[quote ShutUpAlex]@Butwasitherdriveway yes don’t you think that’s quite old? All the 72 year olds I know, their grandchildren are my age, as in nearly 30 not 3![/quote]
I’d find it weirder to have a 30 year old grandchild at 72 than a 3 year old one.

My dad is 72 and has 3 grandkids - 11, 7 and 3.

When my FIL was 72 his grandkids were 22, 15, 9, 6 and 5.

Grandkids of 30 at 72 means kids at 21. Grandkids of 3 means kids at 34.

yikesanotherbooboo · 09/04/2021 14:17

I don't really know what I think here.
Clearly your rather shouldn't have shouted at a three year old .
On the other hand she shouldn't have playing with things that weren't hers or answering back. She had made GF anxious( not an excuse) and he may come from a generation where shouting at DC who are misbehaving is acceptable.
In the other hand he is only 72 and imo to young to have lost that ability to be flexible.
The visit was too long, of course your DParents want to see you and possibly DD as well but it would be better with entertainment such as going for a walk or pottering in the garden or going to the park . I don't think visits should necessarily stop because she is still building relationships with her family and learning as a pp said that every household isn't the same as hers.
At the risk of outing myself as being ancient my DSis and I had a lot of contact with elderly relations in childhood. They were largely quite frightening and it was definitely a case of being seen but not heard. I don't remember those visits negatively particularly , I liked watching the adults talking and seeing different places.
My own DDad wasn't very interested in small children including his own or his DGC, it doesn't mean we didn't all love him or know that he loved us .As we got older he was extremely lovable and interested in everyone's lives . The little ones knew that he wouldn't be up for playing or sitting on laps etc and didn't bother him.

DarcyLewis · 09/04/2021 14:19

I had one set of grandparents that were quite relaxed, and another set that were “best behaviour”.

I would still take your dd but for a shorter visit/less often and she needs to know that it isn’t a rifling through cupboards, talking back kind of visit - it’s a sitting nicely at the table, playing quietly kind of visit.

It’s ok to have both kinds of grandparents in your life and your dd just needs to learn to adjust her behaviour in different places. I was definitely not as close to the “best behaviour” grandparents and never had sleepovers or days out with them, but I still appreciate that I had a relationship with them.

Make it an occasional, half an hour visit for a cup of tea.

HalzTangz · 09/04/2021 14:20

I agree with @shutupalex my father is 74, his eldest grandchild is 22, youngest is 13.
This is around the same for all my peer group.
I don't know any grandparents in their 70s that have toddler grandchildren. Know plenty that have toddler great grandchildren though

Megan2018 · 09/04/2021 14:22

[quote ShutUpAlex]@Butwasitherdriveway yes don’t you think that’s quite old? All the 72 year olds I know, their grandchildren are my age, as in nearly 30 not 3![/quote]
I think it rather depends on your circles!

My parents were 30 when they had me and I was 41 when I had DD.
My mum’s mum wasn’t far off 60 when she became a grandmother and my parents were 71 when they became grandparents.
Around here it’s almost unheard of now for someone to be under 30 when they have a child and grandparents would be at least 60 themselves.

ShutUpAlex · 09/04/2021 14:26

In my area most people become grandparents late 40’s early 50’s. My parents are 51 and 54 and I have a 6 year old and another on on the way. Myself and my cousins age between 25 and 32 and our grandparents are between 69 and 75. That completely normal where I am.

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