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Original poster

Would you stop taking your child to see your parents if they were like this?

98 replies

again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:00

I've posted before about my parents. They just don't enjoy seeing DD who is their only grandchild.
My father in particular is very set in his ways. He's 72 and a pessimistic person who isn't interested in small children and didn't enjoy/want his own (he's told me this several times over the years).
They used to do childcare one day a week when I was working but agreed to stop mutually as they found it difficult, which is fine.
I didn't see them during lockdown obviously, and I've just started to take DD there on a Friday afternoon, for 3-4 hours. Last week DD was getting out some tealight candles from a cupboard (they don't have locks on their cupboard) she wasn't doing any harm as she just likes arranging/counting things. My dad was getting stressed that she was making a mess and told her to stop, when she protested that she was just playing he shouted loudly at her to shut up and said she should do what she was told. DD got upset and so sat with my mum playing with a sticker book...my dad started complaining and getting annoyed that she was creasing the pages!! Shock
DD is 3.4 for context.
I feel like I shouldn't take DD to their house anymore, it's too stressful and I don't want her to go where she is not wanted.
DD can be a fiesty girl, I'm biased obviously but she's interesting at this age and a joy to be with.
Friends parents seem to dote on their grandchildren, mine can't seem to enjoy seeing theirs for a few hours a week.

Am I unreasonable, is it them...or somewhere in the middle?
It's sad as they are my parents and I love them. I wish they were a little more tolerant.

OP posts:
PerpetualStudent · 09/04/2021 11:42

If someone shouted at my 3 yr old DD to ‘shut up’ that’s the last time they’d be left alone with them, to be honest.
I know he’s your dad and you love him, but what you described sounds awful to me.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/04/2021 11:43

Short visits (cup of tea, chat, gone within the hour) and supervise your DC while you're there. Your DF sounds bad tempered, and your DC needs to learn that when she is messing with other people's stuff and they tell her to stop, she must do so instead of debating it. I am wondering whether "feisty" means "very hard work", but at 3 I suppose they are all hard work!

You can meet your DM outside the house for longer periods. Less stressful for everyone.

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:43

I wish they could come to my house but they don't get on with partner. Sucks to be me, haha.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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3 year olds Families
PerpetualStudent · 09/04/2021 11:45

And jesus, your DD sounds like a lovely inquisitive toddler, who are these miseries who expect a tiny girl to be quiet and well-behaved at all times?! Send her round mine, she’s welcome to rifle through my tea lights

FortunesFave · 09/04/2021 11:45

She certainly did not deserve to be shouted at BUT you need to know that as she grows and goes to school etc, comments like that might be seen as tricky or cheeky.

It's a fine balance because you don't want to bring up a pushover...you want your girls to be able to stand up for themselves etc but then again, arguing back when an adult tells you to stop doing something isn't a good thing.

It's never ok to shout at a little child though.

Leafy12 · 09/04/2021 11:45

It doesn't suck to be you at all, you are insightful and legitimately concerned about your child. It rocks to be you. You Dad shouted at your daughter and told her to 'shut up'. Sucks to be him I think. Decide on your boundaries with them and stick to them.

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:45

@emilyfrost and @TheYearOfSmallThings, point taken. She shouldn't be going through their things. She is hard work but as she's an only I'm not sure to what extent all 3 year olds are like that or not.

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 09/04/2021 11:46

I think your visits are too long.

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:47

@PerpetualStudent That's exactly how I see it! Thank you Smile

OP posts:
ShutUpAlex · 09/04/2021 11:47

What does being an only child have to do with anything?

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:48

@Leafy12 Thank you Smile Very good advice.

OP posts:
Megan2018 · 09/04/2021 11:49

Don’t make this about age. My parents are early 70’s, very youthful and have endless patience with their granddaughter. They will play all day with her. My Dad still works at 72 (self employed-his choice as he doesn’t need the money). Not everyone is past it at 70.

I would make them come to you @again2020 or meet somewhere neutral. Your father just sounds unpleasant and he was probably unpleasant at 30 just as much as 70.

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:49

@ShutUpAlex Just I have nothing to compare to, I didn't have much experience of children before her.

@Disfordarkchocolate You are right, it's too long.

OP posts:
SuperintendentHastings · 09/04/2021 11:49

It was...'I'm just playing grandad' said quite gently. I don't think she deserved to be told angrily to shut up.
But he did the same to me so guess it's no suprise.

No you're absolutely right. I'm surprised at some of the responses on here, she's only 3 and doing what three year olds do. Though if he speaks to you like that too, I wouldn't be going to see him either.

emilyfrost · 09/04/2021 11:51

[quote again2020]**@emilyfrost* and @TheYearOfSmallThings*, point taken. She shouldn't be going through their things. She is hard work but as she's an only I'm not sure to what extent all 3 year olds are like that or not.[/quote]
It doesn’t matter whether all three year olds are like that or not.

It matters how you bring up your own child, and you should be teaching her to respect other people’s things and not be cheeky.

You are the adult, you know better, so you teach her right from wrong because she doesn’t yet know. She needs you to guide her, not just let her do whatever she wants.

Boundaries and manners are incredibly important and you should be instilling these in her.

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 11:51

@Megan2018 Yep I agree! I'm surrounded by friends whose parents are much more patient with their grandchildren.

My dad is a very fit 72 so nothing to do with that, he just doesn't enjoy small children.

OP posts:
Leafy12 · 09/04/2021 11:55

Boundaries are important yes, but this isn't a boundary issue. I would be fine with someone else's child messing around in my cupboards and taking things out when they are three. I would see that as inquisitive play and let her crack on as long as she wasn't playing with cleaning materials or something that could be harmful to her. We all have different standards about that but that isn't about boundaries. And she doesn't need to have perfect manners at three! Crikey. Let her have a voice.

Pepper54 · 09/04/2021 11:56

Another who is very happy for your little DD to come rifle through our cupboards, also very welcome to clatter about and sing and dance.

PerpetualStudent 👋🏻

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/04/2021 11:59

Sounds hideous to have to take her somewhere where boundaries and manners are the name of the game, and there's no room for a nice chat, activity or to divert her if she's doing something she shouldn't. I don't see why getting things out of a cupboard is 'naughty' unless they are precious, and if it is naughty, then you need to let her know that's not a game you can play here and divert her.

No- I wouldn't take her round to be shouted at, and told off for creasing the pages of a sticker book.

She won't gain nice memories from this at all.

Original poster
again2020 · 09/04/2021 12:05

@OnwardsAndSideways1 I agree, I could partially understand the tealights out of cupboard issue but getting annoyed as she was creasing the pages of a children's Peppa pig sticker book! Hmm
I don't know what he expects.

OP posts:
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 09/04/2021 12:14

I would just cut back the visits to once a month or less, and once the weather gets better meet your mum in a cafe or a play centre and keep contact that way. Your dad doesn't want hours with a small child every weekend and that's just the way it is. You can still create some nice times together, I just think having her roaming around for 3-4 hours every Sat or Sun will be too much.

mogloveseggs · 09/04/2021 12:22

Shorter visits less frequently. Have a box of toys that live at theirs that she can go get when you get there. Mine had a toybox under the stairs at dms and never went in other cupboards unless allowed to still don't at 16 and 9 not even the crisp cupboard!

HollowTalk · 09/04/2021 12:30

If I was lucky enough to have grandchildren (my children are now adult) I wouldn't snap at them - aged 3, ffs - if they opened a cupboard to play with what's inside. If there was something I didn't want them to play with I'd gently explain and suggest something else they could do.

It must be hard for you, OP, as it must bring back memories of how your dad was with you.

Leafy12 · 09/04/2021 12:45

[quote again2020]@OnwardsAndSideways1 I agree, I could partially understand the tealights out of cupboard issue but getting annoyed as she was creasing the pages of a children's Peppa pig sticker book! Hmm
I don't know what he expects.[/quote]
Whatever he does expects, it's shockingly common in our modern day world, as some of the replies on here are showing. Just go with your own instincts on this one. She is three, tealights that aren't lit aren't a hazard for her, and not creasing a book is unreasonable. Just be incredibly grateful that you can see this for what it is.

Sceptre86 · 09/04/2021 12:45

She shouldn't have been going through their cupboard drawers and it was rude of her to answer him back. My ds is the same age as your dd and just as inquisitive I had to intervene when he tried to do similar at my mum's although they wouldn't have minded. He shouldn't have shouted at her though.

I would echo a pp and invite them to yours where dd is in her own surroundings and can play with her toys. If you must take her to their home then a two hour stay is the maximum I would stay. Your dad is in his 70s, many people increasingly do not have the energy or desire to be around children at that age. In his situation if he wasn't that keen on his own kids yabu to expect that he would go out of the way for yours.