Starting to think my wedding is a nightmare

[Tiktokersmiracle]

Yes I know thats a very dramatic title and in the grand scheme of the last year weddings are unimportant.

Mine is important to me. I waited a quite ridiculous amount of time for dp to ask me. Which he did in 2019.
Wedding was booked and paid for for last July.

Then the obvious happened of Covid.

It's rebooked for July this year, and looking at the restrictions and things doing well it looks like it should be fine.

Except, we are pretty broke due to Lockdown, but we felt it would be fine as everything was bought and paid for. We would lose money to cancel so that's not an option

First up, my photographer, a friend. Now ex friend. Was doing mates rates so very negligible amount. Then out the blue, turned totally vile. Found out had been abhorrent about me behind my back. Total shock. She hasn't denied it and when asked cut all contact.
So we found a replacement but that's added £700 to the wedding (and that's really cheap for where we are, but he comes very highly recommended).

Then, tried my dress on and I now hate it. Utterly feel terrible in it. Doesn't help I have gained weight in lockdown which I can do something about but I find loosing weight very hard due to PCOS and endometriosis. Can't afford replacement dress.

Now, my make up artist has shut up shop. I can't be cross, it's an industry that has been screwed over by covid with little government help. As a result, the least expensive I can find is £75 for a trial and £150 plus travel expenses for the day. £50 of the £150 is a deposit, non-refundable, so if I hate what they do I've lost £125 straight away. DPs sister said I could do it myself, but I'm absolutely shite at make up. I've never been someone who is good at colours or anything else, I wear make up when I go out but I always look rough as I'm not good at all the trickery with dark circles and stuff.

DD hates everything to do with being a bridesmaid (awkward teen stage). They've been no help at all. Everything I show them they hate.

The church doesn't know if they can do flowers anymore due to covid rules after lockdown. Apparently when they reopened last year they weren't allowed displays because the diocese said no for safety.

My honeymoon is cancelled too.

I'm starting to think we should pull the plug. I have waited for so long and everything was organised so well last year. I don't want to lose money of course but you name it and it's gone wrong

Any ideas? Please talk me down MN. I know I'm being panicky but I could cry. I hate when things aren't how they are supposed to be. I've literally been so stressed about it I'm not sleeping.

DP doesn't get it and actually said he is "sick of bloody hearing me go on about how shit everything is". It's OK for him he turns up in a sodding suit and all done.

I've got no family of my own either and my friends live miles and miles away. Literally sorting this on my own pretty much. I'm starting to hate the whole thing. I've got to the stage I wish he'd never actually bothered asking as it stopped being exciting to organise in April last year when it became apparent that covid was going to screw it up.

I know it's stupid, it's a party really, but I never look nice at anything, I want to look at the photos after and feel good, not "that wasn't right, my make up looked shit" etc etc. Especially since the photos are costing me as much as the church!

If you take away the non important stuff such as flowers, honeymoon, bridesmaids then you are left with the purpose of the whole thing which is to formalise your relationship with the person you love enough to want to share the rest of your life with. Do you want to do that? If so then under the circumstances I’d go with the basics - inviting only those who are the most important to you, simple celebration after in a village hall, pub or wherever, book a good photographer for the ceremony and a few pictures after it, get a personal stylist in a good store to find something you are comfortable and feel good in and save the money you would have spent on a more lavish do to use for something else.

We were in a similar situation... due to get married last May. Did it in August in the end, lost a fair bit of money and DH wasn’t eligible for furlough so things have been tight.

I hated my dress when I tried it on - please know that’s really common anyway, so might not mean you always hate it! - and then had to buy another one online because it couldn’t be altered due to lockdown. The new one was nice but off the peg, so not really fitted to my body, and the shoulders kept falling off.

My make up artist cancelled. We couldn’t have flowers, and they didn’t confirm we could have music until the day of. The venue had a flooding issue and then booked people in, forgetting we had exclusive access.

I felt amazing to be marrying him on the day. I regret the dress situation, I look chunky in some of the photos, but 80% are lovely and everyone had an awesome day. Nobody noticed the lack of flowers. Would the money back from them help with some of the other costs?

Our best photos came from other people, although the photographer did get some nice ones. We only had her for a couple of hours, as there was no telling how long people would stay, etc.

Honestly it was all worth it and I’d do it again tomorrow even in my dodgy dress, with my hair and make up done by me, and with no flowers.

I’m so sorry to hear this! Weddings should be fun but it’s been so hard this year. Sounds like you’ve got one or two bigger issues and then everything else has sort of piled in on top of it making them seem worse than they are. You can sort this! You’ve got plenty of time. Here’s what I think:

1. Photographer is booked and paid for so stop worrying about it. You’ll have fab photos. This is a positive!
2. Dress - this sounds like the only real issue IMO . You want to like the dress you’ll be in! If you liked it before I’m sure you can like it again? Maybe you’re just not in the right mindset at the moment with all of this going on. Are you going to lose weight or can they take it out for you? Also there are tonnes of things you could do to help you like it more - add little off the shoulder straps, or a nice belt etc. I added little shoulder straps to mine. If you really hate it will the shop allow you to exchange if it’s not already been altered?
3. Make up. If you can’t do it yourself can you get a friend who is good at makeup to do it? Lots of people do this and it saves loads of money. Or can you find someone who has done someone’s makeup that you know so you’ll be almost certain you will like it and don’t lose the deposit etc? I used someone who had done a friends makeup when she was a bridesmaid so I could tell whether it had been done well as I knew what she looked like before and after so I was 99.9999% sure I was going to like it.
4. Bridesmaid dresses - maybe wait until shops are open as it might be easier if you go and try stuff on?
5. Church flowers. Not sure why covid presents this but really it’s not a big issue in the grand scheme of things. No one will notice and you can have flowers at your reception. Plus it will save you money. Wait and see what they say as there’s nothing you can do until they tell you but maybe you can find out if there are alternatives that you’re allowed, like lanterns?
6. Honeymoon. Again I don’t think this is an issue! Just go next year and that means you get extra time to save so this is really positive as it takes away your money problem. Go on a mini moon somewhere in the UK and then big honeymoon next year. Loads of people do this anyway even when it’s not Covid! I was supposed to go on a big road trip down the USA west coast last year for mine but we couldn’t go - not even really thought about it since! We did go to Greece instead so I realise we were lucky to go away at all but it isn’t what we had planned.

Does this help at all?

At this point I'd abandon the wedding you'd originally envisaged. It's gone. Grieve for that.

I'd consider eloping somewhere far away from other people just with 2 witnesses and your children and just getting it done, or a very informal Friday afternoon down the registry office with a simple celebration for just a few people.

Gently put, I think the fact that you'd waited so long to propose had just raised your own expectations of a "perfect" wedding. You're never going to be able to meet that level of pressure with current restrictions. Change the bar to something less formal and more fun.

Honestly it's normal to have a massive wobble about everything before a wedding - and that's in normal times!

I think you need to be very matter of fact to sort the problems, then stop torturing yourself! Photographer sounds sorted? Flowers - don't worry about them, no one noticed the church ones anyway.

Make up - do you have a friend who always has theirs done really nicely? Could you ask them? My friend did mine on my hen - she did a much better job than professional did for my wedding!

Your dd is clearly not into weddings, neither is your DH, so stop going on about it! You say your DH just has to turn up - would you like to do that to? You can if you want!

This is why I didn’t tell a soul until the week before, registry office, I rented a dress, & one bridesmaid dress, had a bunch of flowers each for me and her made up at local florist, cousin made me my cake, met friends (told the week before) at our local pub for a slice of cake and a drink on the evening.
Friend took pictures, but then you could get everyone to take pictures and send them to you.

‘‘Twas bliss, simple, no fuss, best day ever.
Been together 7 years by then.

But I’m a zero fuss n shite kinda person.
Can’t be bothered with ceremony and we are not religious so no church stuff which made it much much easier.
Good luck with it, sounds very stressful and complicated.

Could you sell the dress and get a different one? Don't make your daughter be a bridesmaid if she doesn't want too.
I don't wear make up so don't really know what to recommend there.
Do you need flowers?
Do you need fancy photos?

Bear in mind weddings are often a nightmare because other people are dicks . I'm so sorry you have had to wait and that your best laid plans have gone awry. I would check in with yourself about whether you still want to marry him? If you do, strip it back and start asking for help. Including your other half dealing with some details (if he doesn't don't marry him).

I really regretted having a photographer. My best photos were from friends.

Practice your own make up. Go on you tube and watch some videos. Less is definitely more and the French look of a bright lipstick and a slick of eye liner looks better on most people anyway.

But most of all remember that this is a day that's about your marriage not just the wedding. The people that will be there love you and want to celebrate with you. Focus on the important stuff and everything else will be fine.

@Chronicallymothering

At this point I'd abandon the wedding you'd originally envisaged. It's gone. Grieve for that.

I'd consider eloping somewhere far away from other people just with 2 witnesses and your children and just getting it done, or a very informal Friday afternoon down the registry office with a simple celebration for just a few people.

Gently put, I think the fact that you'd waited so long to propose had just raised your own expectations of a "perfect" wedding. You're never going to be able to meet that level of pressure with current restrictions. Change the bar to something less formal and more fun.

This. As long as you still want to be married to your DP that is all that matters. If you let go of the perfect wedding you'll be letting go of all the stress that goes with it and you'll enjoy it far more

Honestly OP I said to my DH yesterday that I wished we got married during the restrictions! No expectations, tiny amount of people, very little fuss. I know weddings are supposed to be the 'big day' and some people do get exactly what they hoped for, but many like me, end up finding it a stressful time. My dress didn't fit well and I hate the photographs and can't watch the video. I hated being centre of attention and it all just felt too big and too pressured. The church service was lovely and that's the bit I remember and of course is the important bit. I would have happily gone home after that! There have been far better days in my life, so don't worry about it having to be the best day ever. It's the day you exchange vows. How and what that looks like is up to you.

Ok. It’s been horrible for you, but you are worrying about things that don’t matter!

1. make up - doesn’t really matter, just get a boots woman to help you choose a new lipstick and bung your own mascara on. You do not need to pay someone- imo it looks really weird when brides have a different face for the day. I did mine and so did many people I know.

2. flowers - again no one will notice but you could do your own. Grow them or find a market stall to supply them (soooo much cheaper). Flower arranging isn’t difficult- especially the current natural look! Glass orangina bottles make cute little table centrepiece vases, I did my own flowers and it was rather fun. You could maybe do with dd? Churches often have a regular volunteer team of flower arrangers anyway - you provide the flowers and they will arrange. They’ll probably be extra happy after so long!

3. photographer - sounds like you’ve sorted this but again you could ask a friend to do it or just get everyone to send you their photos, you will get sent about 100000 anyway!

4. does dd actually have to be a bridesmaid? “I understand why you don’t want to be a bridesmaid but I’d love it if you’d be my co wedding planner” could she help you with researching ideas, making stuff etc? She does kind of have a point - teens do sometimes look a bit silly in bridesmaid dresses!

5. honeymoon- just go later.

6. dress - has it come to symbolise your frustration? Why did you choose it in the first place? Could you look on eBay? Could you talk the dress shop? I’m sure you will look lovely though!

I disagree with your last paragraph though - it’s not just a party - that’s the least important bit! The only bit that really matters is when you say your vows to each other!

I honestly don't know what to do, we paid a lot of deposits and it would mean losing a lot of money.

I know it's probably stress and a wobble.

I can't really do much about the dress, it was second hand, and trying to sell anything wedding related at the moment is pretty difficult for obvious reasons.

DP is the one who sorted the church, he has a big family so wants the full package of church, photographer, reception. The reception I got my way on as it made sense location and cost wise and is in the local pub, I personally would get married there with a special licence but to sit everyone down the space isn't there (his family is huge).

My local friends are as crap as me with make up, we're not dressy people, all mum's so that's not really an option. If anyone couldve cancelled I'd have rather the hairdresser as I am having a very simple curl no updo so I couldve done that with curlers myself with sister in law's help.

I got really upset this morning with DP, said I feel like I'm alone in this, he wanted the church and ott do but has left me to sort it out.

It's not helped by this is another time when having no family hurts and makes it abundantly clear that I'm on my own when other ladies have mum, or aunt, or sister to help take the strain as well. I have none of that. It was the same feeling when I had our eldest, I was pg at the same time as two friends and seeing them go baby shopping and do nice stuff with their female relatives just made me feel like shit. Not intentionally of course but it really shows how much I miss at times like this having a shitty family.

He's now moaning at me that I'm never happy, I had wanted to get married for years and now we are and I'm still not happy. Apparently I'm ruining it for him and he isn't excited anymore either, although I've yet to see when he was excited as he has shown no bloody interest and been no help at all.

I love him, I just want to for once in my life look nice. I struggle with self worth so much due to how I grew up and this is just making me feel sick.

It just feels like everything is wrong, everything is going to be a joke. We've had a rotten lockdown, considering how long we've been together I'm starting to get sick of his lack of care when I'm upset about something. It's so much pressure and it's all on me.

I would bin the photographer. You're paying hundreds for clichéd pictures that will rapidly be sat in a drawer gathering dust. Most people I know found that their favourite shots were those taken by friends and family because you are relaxed and happy with them. The endless posed shots when you're aware of guests hanging around for the photographer to finish building his portfolio aren't great. I remember one wedding where the B&G were hauled out of the meal because the photographer was getting excited about the quality of the light and wanted to get some shots using it. Looked good on his website afterwards but the guests and the venue were cursing him

Sorry I sound like such a sad cow. So many people are struggling. I feel dreadful even posting here but I can't speak to anyone else. His sister is pretty dismissive although if something hadn't of gone well with her bloody wedding there would've been a nightmare until it was sorted. Mine just feels like it's all an afterthought and that, oh, it's Tik, she'll just get on with it and she won't care because she never does". But I do care and I'm sick of having to settle all the time.

OP.

Bless you I think the no family situation coupled with his huge family and him not really helping and showing he doesn’t care your upset is the root issue. I’m a bit worried he is so dismissive of your feelings.

All the fripperies of a wedding mean nothing ultimately. I have been to small casual weddings of friends up to the huge three day weddings my family tend to have as were Chinese.

What really matters is the marriage not the wedding.

Weddings are stressful at the best of times so I can only imagine how much moreso it has been during this whole corona shitshow!
Cut costs where you can - for me a MUA was non-negotiable so I prioritised that over other things even though we had a small wedding with a small budget! If you’ve already lost money on things that’s unfortunate but that cannot be changed so don’t be tempted to think ‘oh I have to have X because I’ve paid the deposit.’
I’m sorry your fiancé has been unhelpful through this but I’m honestly not surprised he isn’t excited. If you’re getting stressed about it won’t help, plus all the uncertainty and restrictions will definitely have taken the shine off things.
Honestly of the couples I know who had to change their plans due to corona the happiest is a couple who got married at a registry office with their parents and a close friend there. They had a huge wedding planned but decided to postpone that as a huge party next year. She didn’t even have a wedding dress just a pretty floaty dress and they looked so happy and gorgeous together. No frills, no photographer etc. Absolutely thrilled for them. Another friend is determined to have her ‘big day’ and keeps pushing the date back. Refuses to consider changing plans to get married sooner or less expensively but she keeps moaning about it all and is making herself miserable.
Anyway best of luck with it all. I know it’s a cliche but the marriage is what’s important not the wedding.

We got married a couple of weeks ago.
Registry office. Only our parents and the children, personal photos were took. I did my own makeup, Dress was a simple dress but so beautiful. I bought flowers for me and some button holes from a local florist who did click and collect. Cake and lots of wine at home afterwards it was lovely.
I don't feel I was robbed of a wedding at all. It couldn't have gone any better. Really intimate and lovely.

Oh you poor thing. I think I understand, as due to family issues, I had very little support in organising my wedding - although at least my H was more supportive than yours sounds at the moment. I think it may be partly lockdown depression for both of you. Everything feels so flat at the moment and I can't imagine what it must be like, trying to organise such an important day, with all these issues. I don't have any real advice, as in the end we had a very different wedding from the one you are describing, but I just wanted to say I do understand how lonely it can be sometimes, without the support other people take for granted.

Here's what I'd do

Cancel photographer, get friends to do photos - how much was deposit? Can be recovered by other savings.

Sell dress. Get something cheap and cheerful that you like.

Makeup - you have time to practice. Or, just look like you in pics.

DD - don't have a bridesmaid. She will be so grateful.

Don't look for an instagram day, just a happy one.

Oh and he wanted the big day? He does the admin then.

The flowers one I did look into someone doing my bouquet and the bridesmaids ones, blimey, it was mental, I think it was about £300!
I actually bought silk ones and made my own. Cost me £25. I used to do crafts like that a lot as a guide in my teens, so they look lovely.
My veil was from a secondhand shop, cost me £5. I don't mind cutting costs at all, but I've cut it so down to the bone.
Looking at the make up person I said about above, she's emailed photos based on what I emailed her an image of what I want, and I can safely say it wouldn't work going with her. Far, far too over the top. Most here though charge such a huge amount though, one I saw has £195 for trial and £350 for one the day, yet prom make up, £45!
You stIck wedding in front of something and it's triple the price

I've now told DP we aren't going ahead. I don't want to anymore. I hate the thought of the entire thing and I'm sick of me organising everything with no help do everyone else can bloody enjoy our day. I said it would be have hurt his sister's to get in touch and offer help but they don't. I said I really just feel so sick and it's not worth the bastard hassle anymore and I don't care if we lose deposits, it's enough and it's making me feel on the verge of screaming with the stress of it all. I've said since he's been useless he can bloody tell people.

He's not said anything just said "whatever. Fine".

I don't think it will happen now as I'm really angry at the whole thing and I don't care of we get married anymore. It's supposed to be lovely a s exciting but this is hell.

OP "I don't think it will happen now as I'm really angry at the whole thing and I don't care of we get married anymore."

Do you want the legality or not? Fine if you don't - I wouldn't - but don't let the stress of a party distract you from the original meaning, whatever it was.

I hope it works out for you Tik. No wedding should make someone so stressed and unhappy. Give it a while and sit down with him and just talk about how unhappy it's made you. Maybe write it down in a letter to give to him if you feel it will be hard to actually talk out loud.

Good on you for cutting out all the pointless shit. Good choice.

A thick coat of bridal makeup may well not make you look good at all. Your fiance wants to marry you, not an Instagram freak. So lose that and lose that stress. Ditto the usual ghastly bridal overdone curls. Your normal hair and happy face.

Dress awful? Pack it up, sell when times are better. Wear something you like.

Flowers - no one cares.

It is twenty minutes out of your life,you got suckered into the wedding 'industry' which created all this nonsense. I hope it hasn't destroyed your relationship.