Starting to think my wedding is a nightmare

[Tiktokersmiracle]

Yes I know thats a very dramatic title and in the grand scheme of the last year weddings are unimportant.

Mine is important to me. I waited a quite ridiculous amount of time for dp to ask me. Which he did in 2019.
Wedding was booked and paid for for last July.

Then the obvious happened of Covid.

It's rebooked for July this year, and looking at the restrictions and things doing well it looks like it should be fine.

Except, we are pretty broke due to Lockdown, but we felt it would be fine as everything was bought and paid for. We would lose money to cancel so that's not an option

First up, my photographer, a friend. Now ex friend. Was doing mates rates so very negligible amount. Then out the blue, turned totally vile. Found out had been abhorrent about me behind my back. Total shock. She hasn't denied it and when asked cut all contact.
So we found a replacement but that's added £700 to the wedding (and that's really cheap for where we are, but he comes very highly recommended).

Then, tried my dress on and I now hate it. Utterly feel terrible in it. Doesn't help I have gained weight in lockdown which I can do something about but I find loosing weight very hard due to PCOS and endometriosis. Can't afford replacement dress.

Now, my make up artist has shut up shop. I can't be cross, it's an industry that has been screwed over by covid with little government help. As a result, the least expensive I can find is £75 for a trial and £150 plus travel expenses for the day. £50 of the £150 is a deposit, non-refundable, so if I hate what they do I've lost £125 straight away. DPs sister said I could do it myself, but I'm absolutely shite at make up. I've never been someone who is good at colours or anything else, I wear make up when I go out but I always look rough as I'm not good at all the trickery with dark circles and stuff.

DD hates everything to do with being a bridesmaid (awkward teen stage). They've been no help at all. Everything I show them they hate.

The church doesn't know if they can do flowers anymore due to covid rules after lockdown. Apparently when they reopened last year they weren't allowed displays because the diocese said no for safety.

My honeymoon is cancelled too.

I'm starting to think we should pull the plug. I have waited for so long and everything was organised so well last year. I don't want to lose money of course but you name it and it's gone wrong

Any ideas? Please talk me down MN. I know I'm being panicky but I could cry. I hate when things aren't how they are supposed to be. I've literally been so stressed about it I'm not sleeping.

DP doesn't get it and actually said he is "sick of bloody hearing me go on about how shit everything is". It's OK for him he turns up in a sodding suit and all done.

I've got no family of my own either and my friends live miles and miles away. Literally sorting this on my own pretty much. I'm starting to hate the whole thing. I've got to the stage I wish he'd never actually bothered asking as it stopped being exciting to organise in April last year when it became apparent that covid was going to screw it up.

I know it's stupid, it's a party really, but I never look nice at anything, I want to look at the photos after and feel good, not "that wasn't right, my make up looked shit" etc etc. Especially since the photos are costing me as much as the church!

I have been married for 15 years and I had a large wedding with all the trimmings. It was all my DH family and friends. He was determined that we should have all these people there and it is a big regret of mine that basically I paid out a small fortune for people who I haven't seen since and people who don't even like me!? So if I could really offer some advice would be, sack off the big day and take your self and DP along with the children, and get Married in a small venue, Make it simple and intimate and concentrate on why you are getting married

I think you can have an amazing wedding without spending a penny. We are under unique circumstances so I would just relax and lower expectations. It's a weird formula but the less you spend on your wedding and the less you plan every aspect of the day, the more you enjoy it. Try to focus on you and your partner rather on putting on a show. Honestly, NO ONE is going to be disappointed because people will just be so happy for you and enjoy the special atmosphere that comes naturally. It will be a happy celebration with or without flowers, with or without the perfect makeup. And who cares about a photographer anyway when everyone's takes tones of photos on their phone anyway? It will be a lovely and more authentic record of your wedding than the staged shots.
Please don't lose sight of what is important and spending lots of money at a time of hardship is just going to give you grief and stress. Save for your honeymoon when you can travel 😉
Congratulations 🎉

Well, it's cancelled

He came back around 10pm last night. We had been exchanging texts and I said how angry I am that he wanted the big wedding yet knew I didn't and had left it to me despite that. His attitude is he's sick of me being rude about his family, they aren't my family and why should they invite me to things or call me when I don't approach them and I moan about them to him.

Frankly, that's not fair. I don't approach them because they've made it clear they aren't interested. One of them I genuinely think hates me, shes one of those women who says something you later realise was a totally bitchy thing to say.

I told him I really don't want to go ahead at all. In fact, all this has shown how he expects me to do what he wants with little interest in what anyone else wants. That the excitement I had of him asking is out the window and I'm sick of being sidelined.

I said I felt in most areas of the wedding is settled for things, like my dress as it was cheap, it's a beautiful dress but not what I had wanted. He said when I first got it it looked nice but I've been a lazy cow eating all day during lockdown and if it looks shit that's on me for putting on weight and being unfit. He said I sound out of breath walking round the block and back.

I think personally, that's from having had covid very early on, I never had that issue before and I want to explore whether I could get a scan done to see if it's scarred my lungs. His attitude is I'm now overweight and that's why. He said he reckons I'm 18 stone. I'm nowhere near that, I'm 5 foot 7 and wear a size 16 so he's grossly over egging that.

DD phoned him apparently, at some point when he was out. He wasn't happy as she called him some pretty bad things. I asked her and she said she had called him a heartless prick and told him to grow the fuck up. I've never heard her swear before, she's 14, I know she probably does out of earshot. I told her she shouldn't talk to her dad like that but she said, well he is, he's selfish, he treats you like shit mum. She said I should have some self respect.

I've told him we need to talk, properly, not around DD (so will be after Easter holidays then) but I'm sick of it. He treats me like a mug. The wedding isn't happening and he can bloody tell people what he likes.

Thank you for your messages on here. It's going to be hard and I do love him but I'm sick of it too. And hearing DD say all that hurt too

I think my question would be: why do you want to get married? And start afresh from there.

I also agree with PP that it's ok to grieve.

Purbal - read the updates!

Oh love, from your last updates I am so sorry that it is a mess.
Listen to your dd, sometimes our kids can see things that we can't.

Plan to get some counselling, for yourself and for you as a couple.

Forget the wedding. If and when it happens, it should be something you want to do together. When that time comes, do something completely different.

x x

So we sat down calmly this morning and spoke.

He said he wasn't impressed that DD called him a prick, he doesn't like language like that from them. But apparently, on reflection, he said he spoke to them this morning before I came downstairs and they explained that they are things from both us. Apparently, they appreciate I worry too much and they wish I wouldn't, but they stood by their "grow up and stop being a prick" and said they weren't apologising because they firmly believed it to be the case. DD is her father's daughter, direct, gobby and never shy of giving their opinion. He actually laughed and said it was like arguing with himself.

He said he understands I worry, he wishes I wouldn't because he said deep down everything works out. He said he chose the church as it's stunning, (true) and listed and plenty of room for everyone.

He has also sorted out the food now, said he would rather I stayed at home before the wedding and he will go round to our mates. He said his sister's aren't against me, they just don't think really and he's always been someone who wandered off and did his own thing whereas they are very tightknit. He said I need to assert myself more. I also need to tell them if I'm not happy about something.

I actually went to help at the community cafe, and whilst there told a friend I was on the verge of cancelling the wedding and everything was getting so stressful. Turns out she is a trained make up artist and nail girl, and she wil do all that and my hair as well. She hasn't taken it up and does different work but she said she would love to do mine.

I feel like I can breathe again.

He turned up about an hour in and apologised discreetly. He said he just gets aggravated when I panic as it's like the world is caving in and if he thought asking me would make me miserable he wouldn't have asked.

So hopefully we are sorted now. It's just been so hard, lockdown has been shit with the business dying, the wedding cancelled originally, being around each other 24/7.

I think I owe DD a bag of sweets though. And they've said they will stop being a knob and put a frock on apparently

So glad to hear. And hats off to your wonderful, sweary dd!

Yes DD is a something. It's that teen worldview where they think it and say it regardless

I'm glad it's sorted out. I think so much has happened, we've been so stressed and not had a break from each other and with home learning and everything else I think it just finally blew.

I'm glad he's been a bit self aware. He's not a bad person. He's very much like DD so he doesn't panic, doesn't worry, very what happens happens. I'm not!

A marriage is about the vows and commitment being made. The rest is all unnecessary and I certainly wouldn’t be expecting family to arrange it.

Good ending to a horrid few days.

If it’s that Important you need to pull the plug and wait for normality to resume or else you’ll be so stressed and won’t have the day you want.

It’s threads like tnese though when I thank my lucky stars I married my husband the way I did. We eloped to Gretna.
Not everyone’s cuppa tea and I arranged the whole thing in 20 minutes and a click of a button, but been together for 20 years now.

I like going to other people’s weddings though .

So we've actually had conversations with a couple of mates about the wedding.
They've been wonderful actually and offered help with two separate things to take that cost away. I'm blown away by it to be honest.
One said if it meant it goes ahead, he's desperate for a good knees up after being stuck indoors for so long so it's a worthwhile expense.

DP has been looking at wedding dresses online (unheard of), said he was never a fan of the one I bought. He thought it was weirdly altered by its previous owner, so it was tight at the back but massive on the boobs. He said he knows me and I'm far less ott than the dress, and to buy something else. He even showed me a website with one on (ever pretty) that he said would be far more me and he reckons would suit me better.
He's also going to talk to family as they have always sorted wedding stuff for each other, to see if instead of the money they would give at the reception as we aren't having a gift list, could they help pay for the photographer. He said he reckoned they'd have no issue but he's always been self sufficient so didn't ask before.

We've taken the weekend now to just not think, plan or talk about the wedding at all. He has offered to help more but thought I was happy in my planning bubble.

So sorry to hear this.

Couple of ideas (please ignore if not helpful)

1. Makeup - do you have a friend who's make up style you really like? Could you ask them to do it for you? Also, you could when shops are open again go to a good make up counter for a demonstration ( take someone to make notes) then buy what they use on you and do it yourself.

1. The dress. What specifically do you now not like? What did you like about it originally? You could sell it on line then buy a beautiful dress from the high street wedding dress doesn't mean it has to be big white dress find something that makes you feel beautiful.

1. Stroppy teen - give her guidelines on colours for her dress then set her to find 5-10 outfits/ dresses she really likes on line then you pick one from them.

1. Photos - set up a face book album and ask your guests to add their photos from the day to it.

1. (Which probably should have been 1) focus on why you are doing this. Think about the marriage you get from this which will last the rest of your life rather than this one day.

Good luck x