Starting to think my wedding is a nightmare

[Tiktokersmiracle]

Yes I know thats a very dramatic title and in the grand scheme of the last year weddings are unimportant.

Mine is important to me. I waited a quite ridiculous amount of time for dp to ask me. Which he did in 2019.
Wedding was booked and paid for for last July.

Then the obvious happened of Covid.

It's rebooked for July this year, and looking at the restrictions and things doing well it looks like it should be fine.

Except, we are pretty broke due to Lockdown, but we felt it would be fine as everything was bought and paid for. We would lose money to cancel so that's not an option

First up, my photographer, a friend. Now ex friend. Was doing mates rates so very negligible amount. Then out the blue, turned totally vile. Found out had been abhorrent about me behind my back. Total shock. She hasn't denied it and when asked cut all contact.
So we found a replacement but that's added £700 to the wedding (and that's really cheap for where we are, but he comes very highly recommended).

Then, tried my dress on and I now hate it. Utterly feel terrible in it. Doesn't help I have gained weight in lockdown which I can do something about but I find loosing weight very hard due to PCOS and endometriosis. Can't afford replacement dress.

Now, my make up artist has shut up shop. I can't be cross, it's an industry that has been screwed over by covid with little government help. As a result, the least expensive I can find is £75 for a trial and £150 plus travel expenses for the day. £50 of the £150 is a deposit, non-refundable, so if I hate what they do I've lost £125 straight away. DPs sister said I could do it myself, but I'm absolutely shite at make up. I've never been someone who is good at colours or anything else, I wear make up when I go out but I always look rough as I'm not good at all the trickery with dark circles and stuff.

DD hates everything to do with being a bridesmaid (awkward teen stage). They've been no help at all. Everything I show them they hate.

The church doesn't know if they can do flowers anymore due to covid rules after lockdown. Apparently when they reopened last year they weren't allowed displays because the diocese said no for safety.

My honeymoon is cancelled too.

I'm starting to think we should pull the plug. I have waited for so long and everything was organised so well last year. I don't want to lose money of course but you name it and it's gone wrong

Any ideas? Please talk me down MN. I know I'm being panicky but I could cry. I hate when things aren't how they are supposed to be. I've literally been so stressed about it I'm not sleeping.

DP doesn't get it and actually said he is "sick of bloody hearing me go on about how shit everything is". It's OK for him he turns up in a sodding suit and all done.

I've got no family of my own either and my friends live miles and miles away. Literally sorting this on my own pretty much. I'm starting to hate the whole thing. I've got to the stage I wish he'd never actually bothered asking as it stopped being exciting to organise in April last year when it became apparent that covid was going to screw it up.

I know it's stupid, it's a party really, but I never look nice at anything, I want to look at the photos after and feel good, not "that wasn't right, my make up looked shit" etc etc. Especially since the photos are costing me as much as the church!

Sorry had to sort DD out as they're home today

Bless them, they gave me a huge hug, and said sorry for being a bit shit, don't get upset mum. They then went and spoke to their dad and said, you know, stop being a dick, help mum out and stop being useless. He went out for a drive afterwards.

I've told him that I've had enough. I've always put everyone's else first. I never buy new clothes or get my hair done, I've never complained about it just got on with it to make sure everyone else was sorted out. I said, at this point, I don't want to go ahead. I've already bought a very cheap, secondhand dress, I never went anywhere trying on dresses and although it's lovely, I'm not used to all the fancy dress bit so I'm always going to second guess and worry I look ridiculous.
I said his lack of support and the attitude of his sister's has really pissed me off, none of them would have settled for what ever was available, or put up with the ignorance they have shown me. I said it makes me feel like I'm still not part of the family after two decades and I'm sick of having to go to them for a chat, they never approach me.
The lack of enthusiasm from them all, especially after his attitude of having it in church with his huge family there, which was never in my ideal situation, is bloody cruel, and to keep saying "oh I don't know" or that I'm going on about it, is really not on.

He did look embarrassed. He said if I want to postpone for now, then fine. He said everything has been harder than it should've been. He said he feels like neither of us our happy with it and he's not sure what to do about it, he thought it would be fine. He said it's not his fault about the photographer (true) or make up girl (also true), but why does it matter. I said it matters to me so he should respect that.

I'm now working out how on earth we postpone it without saying why. That it's too much, money is tight, everything feels crap around it.

I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing woman OP and it's definitely time for your needs to matter too. Wishing you loads of luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi OP, I agree with a PP that you need to change your expectations. I know photos are important but I would cancel the photographer. We didn't have one but our guests (we only had 30 people) sent us all theirs and we ended up with 1000 photos!!

Join slimming world or somewhere for weight loss (or don't, but definitely start losing the weight).

Make up doesn't need to be fancy, I did my own. Just stick with neutral colours. If you hardly wear make up then a full face can be a bit shocking so don't worry! A little bit of mascara and lipstick and you will be good to go. Don't cancel it!

How you explain postponing - just say covid ruined your plans and you want to delay till everything is more certain. Or even better have an intimate low stress wedding now and a party later. Everyone sensible will understand. If your DHs sisters don’t understand so be it, that’s his problem. As an aside you don’t have to be close to your SILs, I’ve had lots of wonderful times with mine and I’m very fond of them- holidays, visits... but I would never phone them for a chat!

I've told him that I've had enough. I've always put everyone's else first. I never buy new clothes or get my hair done, I've never complained about it just got on with it to make sure everyone else was sorted out.

That may be part of the problem, in never putting yourself first other people get the message it’s ok for them to never consider you either. Postpone the wedding, tell people you’re unsure about Covid and want to wait to have the kind of wedding you’d like, then get busy making yourself a priority.

Get your hair done, if that’s what you’d like, look at clothes you’d like to wear, have a make up demo just for every day wear if you’d like to - you said you never feel like you look nice, so put yourself first and see what works for you. You deserve to feel good about yourself - not just on your wedding day. Maybe this is the shake up everyone needs to see you as a person in your own right with needs and wants of your own and which are equally important as what everyone else wants and needs.

First of all take a deep breath sit down with a glass of your favourite tipple, close your eyes and start thinking about what you want from the day. Make a list of what you need and write various options down, then work your way through the viability of them.

I got married with no family or friends around around to help me in the organisation. We decided to get married after moving cities and didn’t really know anyone, plus we already lived in another country to all our family. Even if I’d been in the same country I can guarantee if my mother wanted to “help” it wouldn’t have been for my benefit and I’d probably have ended up crying the whole time.

I’m a settler like you, struggled with weight, not really making an effort in my appearance so know exactly where you are coming from. We didn’t have a photographer, we couldn’t afford one, we just had family and friends take pictures. We only had a few relatives 3 from my side and my DHs immediate family. I know exactly what you mean that you want to feel nice on this day, and want to shine.

Not ideal about the dress, could you put out a plea for help on Facebook community pages for anyone with old second hand dresses in your size? Alternatively if you could stretch to it buy off a bridal website. That’s what I did. I spent a day trying dresses on, post having a baby, hated everything especially my body. Visited 2 dress makers, no way I could afford them. I literally on a whim order a dress online about 10 weeks before the day, it was a big risk but glad I did, I loved it. I have to have very minor alterations done because the shoulders were a bit loose on me but everything else was perfect, it cost about £150 I think. Because I bought it online I pretty much had it made to order, sent my measurements in, allowing a cm or 2 extra for error, if it was too big I could adjust, too small I couldn’t. I could definitely had it tighter but was very happy with it the way it was.

Flowers. My wedding flowers I bought at a supermarket, the rest I picked from some fields close to our wedding venue. My best friend arrived the day before the wedding and made them look pretty and made some button holes and bouquet for me out of them. But she literally put then in cheap vase I bout from a Poundland type shop and got creative with some fruit... she used ribbon and pins I’d bought. Do you know anyone who you could ask to take charge of the flowers if you buy them?

If the church can’t do flowers, there isn’t anything you can do, I’m sure your photos will still look nice. Is there a nice spot where you can gather to have photos done near by, where you could set up your own flowers, or where there are nice wild flowers. When my parents got married the done thing was to go to a large park near by that had some beautiful gardens and scenery. Lots of people still go and have their wedding photos done there. Also think about getting your photos done before the ceremony. My friends did this with their wedding party so it meant they could just all go to the reception straight after the ceremony.

Makeup. like you I’m not a make up person, I watched some you tube videos and was even more confused, I literally had no idea what primer was 🤷🏼‍♀️ In the end my friend did it. It wasn’t really my style but it wasn’t bad and we’d not had a chance for a run through so I just went with it. Same with my hair. I couldn’t really criticise as my friend had tried really hard. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted but it was nice. And ultimately I did feel nice on the day. If you don’t know anyone that can help, start looking at videos and testing makeup on yourself. Over the last 2-3 years I’ve started to try a bit harder and I’m starting to feel good about putting makeup on now (I’m 45) I’d highly recommend going on the beauty and style forum and ask for help and advice as these ladies sound like they know what they are talking about.

I literally went to a random nail bar 4 days before the day for a manicure, which I was touching up before the ceremony.

My DHs niece was a bridesmaid, just out of her teens, lived out of baggy black jumpers, pulled her face at everything. But you know what, It was my day not hers, she wore what I picked. She didn’t know me well enough to sulk but if she had I’d have told her where to go. As for your daughter, give her a list of options, if she dosnt like them tough. I’d pass it on to you fiancé, if he’s her dad and tell him if he wants to stop you going on about it he needs to take some pressure off you. So your DD is now his responsibility to get her in line, you want that stress taken away from you. He needs to pull her up and tell her this is important to you and it’s already hard because of things out of your control so she needs to think about helping you.

Honeymoon you can take anytime. I’m still waiting for mine 9 years later, but we have young DCs so it will happen when it happens.

But the most important thing to do is breath, you can’t control what you can’t control, look at what you can control and work from there.

Good luck x

OP i have nothing useful to say but just wanted to say I am giving you a hug.

@Tiktokersmiracle

Sorry had to sort DD out as they're home today

Bless them, they gave me a huge hug, and said sorry for being a bit shit, don't get upset mum. They then went and spoke to their dad and said, you know, stop being a dick, help mum out and stop being useless. He went out for a drive afterwards.

I've told him that I've had enough. I've always put everyone's else first. I never buy new clothes or get my hair done, I've never complained about it just got on with it to make sure everyone else was sorted out. I said, at this point, I don't want to go ahead. I've already bought a very cheap, secondhand dress, I never went anywhere trying on dresses and although it's lovely, I'm not used to all the fancy dress bit so I'm always going to second guess and worry I look ridiculous.
I said his lack of support and the attitude of his sister's has really pissed me off, none of them would have settled for what ever was available, or put up with the ignorance they have shown me. I said it makes me feel like I'm still not part of the family after two decades and I'm sick of having to go to them for a chat, they never approach me.
The lack of enthusiasm from them all, especially after his attitude of having it in church with his huge family there, which was never in my ideal situation, is bloody cruel, and to keep saying "oh I don't know" or that I'm going on about it, is really not on.

He did look embarrassed. He said if I want to postpone for now, then fine. He said everything has been harder than it should've been. He said he feels like neither of us our happy with it and he's not sure what to do about it, he thought it would be fine. He said it's not his fault about the photographer (true) or make up girl (also true), but why does it matter. I said it matters to me so he should respect that.

I'm now working out how on earth we postpone it without saying why. That it's too much, money is tight, everything feels crap around it.

Sorry op I hadn’t seen this before my post. Good on you for standing up to yourself 👏👏👏 You deserve to have things go your way for once, especially on your wedding day.

I hope he now supports you and you finally get the day you want and deserve x

You can quite easily say We're postponing due to Covid...
Never been a more straightforward reason..
I think it all sounds too much and not what you want....

Then think about what you do want....
You want a nice dress then wait till John Lewis is open and book a personal shopper gind a nice dress that suits or go with one of your DD to wedding shops.. if you want a wedding type dress..
You want make up done ...wait till you find someone you like...or get a make-up session at John Lewis

I am no fashion/make up person either...and no family around that are interested in that...wore a cocktail frock from Debenhams..shoes from office.
Got a makeup session in boots as they use different brands...but did it myself
And my hairdresser to sort my hair today day before!
I got photographer but wouldn't bother again my favourite pictures were by friends and I never look at the album!

I got married in the thick of it last year. Had 11 guests including our Dc. Everything felt like it was falling apart one thing at a time but it all turned out OK in the end. You say you are not good at make up but your DP loves you as you are. When my make up artist cancelled 2 days before I went to a local cheapish makeup shop and bought everything I needed to attempt it myself. I hadn't planned flowers in the church but the wonderful vicars wife decorated all the rope stopping people sitting on the pews due to social distancing with artifical flowers and bows. Honestly despite it not being as planned it was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.

Yup, a postponement due to COVID is a very valid reason!
I’m afraid I have not read all replies but I was going to suggest that make up done at one of the make up counters in large shops worked well for my sister.
Not sure it’s going to be possible in the near future but it’s a thought. John Lewis or boots.
The body shop.
Or you can go for a sort of tutorial thingy with several different places and see how you get on?!

I think a postponement sounds the right thing.
It’s not really about the money, it’s about making it the way you hoped and planned for.

@Hathertonhariden

I would bin the photographer. You're paying hundreds for clichéd pictures that will rapidly be sat in a drawer gathering dust. Most people I know found that their favourite shots were those taken by friends and family because you are relaxed and happy with them. The endless posed shots when you're aware of guests hanging around for the photographer to finish building his portfolio aren't great. I remember one wedding where the B&G were hauled out of the meal because the photographer was getting excited about the quality of the light and wanted to get some shots using it. Looked good on his website afterwards but the guests and the venue were cursing him

well, yes and no.

My favourite wedding shot was taken by a friend, that is the one we have in a frame.
BUT my brother relied on friends to take photos, and the weather wasn't great and everyone made a beeline for the drinks, and no-one took a decent shot of them as a couple, and there are no shots of the bridesmaids. My mum and I were looking after the bridesmaids, all under 3, their dd and neices, and so we didn't take any either.

so, while I woudl ditch the photographer, I would specifically ask 2 or 3 friends to take some set shots of you and your bridesmaids.

As for your dd, stop asking her to be a bridesmaid. Instead talk to her. Tell her that this was what you wanted because you so much wnat her to be part of the wedding, but if she is not hap[y being bridesmaid, what would she like to do?
being centre of attention as a teen is rubbish. Let her be herself. I would rather have a happy goth in my wedding phots than a miserable dressed up dd.

Maybe she woudl like to choose music, or make something or, do a reading or.....
What, for example, is she like with a camera? She might love being behind the camera.

I don't think people read the thread do they?

Like you I would postpone until things are more settled with COVID.
I think the wedding you planned as 'gone', I would take a break and when you are ready start again.
Even if you went ahead, I don't think you would enjoy the day, too many compromises and you are not feeling great about your small family/his large. If you went ahead now it is with all of these thoughts and disappointments.

What do you want? I think the days of huge expensive weddings could be over ( thankfully - didn't enjoy mine).
This is a chance to reinvent something small, romantic and intimate. Have fun with it, it shouldn't be this hard!

I think you're spiralling a bit. If you can take a step back and have an honest conversation with your DP, that'd be a good start. From a purely financial view, losing the money now won't make it easier to spend in the future!

Specifically what do you want your DP to do? How would you like his sisters to help? Would ditching the photographer (but asking specific people to get certain shots) free up some cash for a new dress, or is it more how you're feeling about yourself and your body after a year of lockdown? Is doing your own make-up an option if you (maybe with DD) watch some YouTube tutorials? Your honeymoon can take place another time, and actually the delay gives you time to get excited about it after a year of uncertainty. Would cancelling/postponing simply delay the stress to a later date? Write it all down so it's on paper and out of your head.

These are questions only you can answer. But step back, take some deep breaths (in for 4, out for 8!) and try to separate what's a genuine concern and what's stress getting on top of you. There's plenty of time until July to sort out the niggles and get excited again. Try to remember why you wanted to marry in the first place. And make sure your DP takes his share of responsibility for the day!

Again thanks so much for the messages it's really helped.

When he came back and we chatted I just felt this sense of him listening but not really listening. He kept saying I'm making him miserable, I go on about things for ten hours (not true, I said this morning I hadn't really slept, he asked why, I said I have a lot on my mind. He pressed me as to what that was and I told him I had looked up make up people and it's ridiculously expensive. He then got the arse). It just felt it was about him again.

The thing is, his family in general are a bit self absorbed. I've never felt very welcomed. One of his siblings is lovely but that's all. The rest never include me in anything. It got so bad they're ignorance that I took them off Facebook as I was sick of all the nights out and day trips that they never asked me to, even though they knew I had left all my mates behind when we moved to be nearer them.
DP is the baby and they have always treated him as such. He can be an arsehole and they find an excuse. Nothing is ever his fault.
The selfishness of them is shocking.

I was very unwell with depression ten years ago and they never helped, never offered a kind word. If anything, one of them made it worse, her attitude was just "stop being miserable, get over it for god's sake".
I've never felt like they feel I'm good enough for their brother.

We've had an almighty row and he's walked out. I've no idea where. We are meant to be helping friends sort out the community cafe tomorrow ready for it to reopen, now I don't know what to do and I don't want to let anyone down but to say I don't feel like it is an understatement.

I know if the wedding, if in fact we are over, his family will be a sodding nightmare. I will be alone. I'm stuck financially, our business ended before it could start during lockdown 1. We have been living incredibly close to breaking point.
I don't think I realised how bloody selfish he was until lockdown. But he's been spoiled so always expects everyone to agree with him.

I just need to get my head sorted. I'm embarrassed to talk to local friends as they are joint. I can't tell far away friends as they didn't want us to move in the first place.
I'm just broken right now.

Haven’t RTWT but I really think your DP needs to step up & be more supportive - to be honest, he doesn’t sound very loving at all! As you said, you didn’t realise how selfish he can be until lockdown. Not to be too harsh but maybe the cancellation will turn out to be a good thing. You may end up with someone else entirely!

I feel for you OP, your big day is not what you imagined and things are still going wrong for you a year later. Hugs.

Do you still want to get married? Ultimately all the wedding stuff is not necessary to get married and that is what seems to be making you stressed.

I got my wedding makeup done in Boots (with wedding hair and a veil on with jeans ), it's free you just need to get your name in their book. Went for a mani pedi with my sis in law to be a few days before and got my brows done - I bet your DP's sisters would be well up for a little pamper day before the wedding. Hair is a little more complicated but you have plenty of time to think about what's do able yourself and practice.

Sell the dress and buy one you like - doesn't have to cost a fortune, lots of high st shops do wedding dresses now and they're a lot more reasonable than bridal shops.

You can do this OP. Keep the Church booking as registry offices will be booked up now, but don't worry about flowers or a photographer - like others the best pics were from friends anyway.

Oh no OP, I've just read your update. I'm sorry.

Remember that it's the marriage that matters not the wedding, have you ever heard of the sink cost fallacy, that means it's cheaper to pull out than continuing to pay , so it's say £200 deposit for venue £2200 to pay, if you cancel you loose £200 but if you pay you've had to pay, lose in effect the whole amount.

Oh love, I’m sorry.

I was going to say that I have no female family either, actually no family at all, so I get that it’s weird... but my husbands family have been wonderful and very inviting.

I think you’ve got a much bigger decision than the wedding now, and I wouldn’t rush it.

All the best to you

Ok, definitely a DP problem. TELL YOUR FRIENDS! The ones who you can trust. Tell the ones who didn’t want you to move. It sounds like everything is terrible right now but it WILL get better. Please believe that. Face the truth about how you feel about the relationship and don’t be afraid. Start a new thread, about the relationship. MNers can be so helpful and supportive.

I got so many amazing photos taken by friends and family and shared on a messenger group afterwards. So I’d ditch photographer. Or ask a friend with a decent camera to take photos.

Make up. Your Husband to be wants you to look like you. Often professional make up is too much. Watch YouTube videos and buy a few new bits and do yourself.

I didn’t really decorate my venue other than home made stuff from hobby craft but no one really looked at those. So church flowers don’t matter.

DD if they’re there and happy, what they wear doesn’t matter, have them be comfortable,

My dress was the one thing I look back and smile about along with he people, the fun and marrying my man after 20 years of waiting. So if you do anything look on eBay or anywhere you can or go to wed2be, get an interest free credit card if you need and get a lovely dress. It’ll cheer this all up for you and you’ll feel great in the day,

Gosh sorry just read further up, so much pressure and such a difficult time to plan a wedding. I hope it’s all ok between you and your partner, and if so the. Maybe the wedding is best to be parked for now. Thinking of you.

I personally would be question ing my future with someone who doesn't appear to give a shit about me, but if you are going ahead....

Make up- I'm not a make up artist, but have worn and experimented a lot. So - go to boots or a department store and find a really good foundation that is matched to your skin tone. Buy a primer - you can get away with a lot if you use primer first. Get a big brush or sponge and use that to practice putting on foundation. Go onto Charlotte tilbury website and find the colour chameleon pencil that matches your eye colour. That can be blended in to look like eye shadow and then used to line the eyes. Buy a black water proof mascara - boots will be fine and a lipstick that looks like a slightly darker pink than your lips. If you want blusher then I'd recommend nars orgasm as it suits everyone. You'll look fab. Oh and wear perfume.

Dress - if it doesn't make you feel fabulous ditch it. You can wear what you want and what suits your style. Let's face it, big white dresses aren't anyone's style. Same with bridesmaid dresses - don't bother. What about a funky jumpsuit for you both? Or channel your inner bianca jagger?

I echo the pp who said grow your own flowers - it's cheap and you get to choose what you want.

If you are happy and enjoying yourself and excited for your future, you will look beautiful in the photos.

I didn't see how old your DD is. But would she like to be Best Girl/Woman rather than bridesmaid. She can wear smart trousers rather than a dress. I liked the idea above as well of giving her a camera, she will be able to take some different photos to the ones a professional can.
Also again depending on her age does she have a friend who is into make up. You could have a makeover lesson at a makeup counter and buy the things you are happy with then a makeup savy teenager could help you practice. This will then set you for life rather than a day.