Starting to think my wedding is a nightmare

[Tiktokersmiracle]

Yes I know thats a very dramatic title and in the grand scheme of the last year weddings are unimportant.

Mine is important to me. I waited a quite ridiculous amount of time for dp to ask me. Which he did in 2019.
Wedding was booked and paid for for last July.

Then the obvious happened of Covid.

It's rebooked for July this year, and looking at the restrictions and things doing well it looks like it should be fine.

Except, we are pretty broke due to Lockdown, but we felt it would be fine as everything was bought and paid for. We would lose money to cancel so that's not an option

First up, my photographer, a friend. Now ex friend. Was doing mates rates so very negligible amount. Then out the blue, turned totally vile. Found out had been abhorrent about me behind my back. Total shock. She hasn't denied it and when asked cut all contact.
So we found a replacement but that's added £700 to the wedding (and that's really cheap for where we are, but he comes very highly recommended).

Then, tried my dress on and I now hate it. Utterly feel terrible in it. Doesn't help I have gained weight in lockdown which I can do something about but I find loosing weight very hard due to PCOS and endometriosis. Can't afford replacement dress.

Now, my make up artist has shut up shop. I can't be cross, it's an industry that has been screwed over by covid with little government help. As a result, the least expensive I can find is £75 for a trial and £150 plus travel expenses for the day. £50 of the £150 is a deposit, non-refundable, so if I hate what they do I've lost £125 straight away. DPs sister said I could do it myself, but I'm absolutely shite at make up. I've never been someone who is good at colours or anything else, I wear make up when I go out but I always look rough as I'm not good at all the trickery with dark circles and stuff.

DD hates everything to do with being a bridesmaid (awkward teen stage). They've been no help at all. Everything I show them they hate.

The church doesn't know if they can do flowers anymore due to covid rules after lockdown. Apparently when they reopened last year they weren't allowed displays because the diocese said no for safety.

My honeymoon is cancelled too.

I'm starting to think we should pull the plug. I have waited for so long and everything was organised so well last year. I don't want to lose money of course but you name it and it's gone wrong

Any ideas? Please talk me down MN. I know I'm being panicky but I could cry. I hate when things aren't how they are supposed to be. I've literally been so stressed about it I'm not sleeping.

DP doesn't get it and actually said he is "sick of bloody hearing me go on about how shit everything is". It's OK for him he turns up in a sodding suit and all done.

I've got no family of my own either and my friends live miles and miles away. Literally sorting this on my own pretty much. I'm starting to hate the whole thing. I've got to the stage I wish he'd never actually bothered asking as it stopped being exciting to organise in April last year when it became apparent that covid was going to screw it up.

I know it's stupid, it's a party really, but I never look nice at anything, I want to look at the photos after and feel good, not "that wasn't right, my make up looked shit" etc etc. Especially since the photos are costing me as much as the church!

Op is it possible to take a deep breath, acknowledge that you're both in a different place regarding the wedding and just calmly explain your feelings? Not moaning, not saying it's not fair, but just that you want it to be special between the two of you. It's not going to plan, it's got out of hand. He wants the big wedding but is doing little to help etc. Ask to make a plan together of how to move forward. Maybe postpone, not cancel. It's the vows that are important, not everything else. If he won't do that and continues to hurt your feelings, then I'd be questioning being with someone who cared so little about my wishes.

Postpone or shift your perspective. Postponing has a million obvious advantages; you'll be able to save up, restrictions will ease at some point, you can spend time finding more of what you want rather than having to accept aspects you don't want, etc. Changing your perspective is harder BUT has the obvious one most important advantage of focusing on the intention of the day, to seal your relationship legally. So you could go "post war"/1940's in your best dress, with a small meal with your closest loved ones after. Simple. Beautiful. The latter isn't thre dream, fairy tale wedding day, you won't look like a princess. I have so much respect for that.

OP, you've listed lots of negative things, things you don't want.

Try to write - in just one sentence - what you DO want. (Or just one word).

Then work on making that happen.

Hope you're ok, op. I feel for you. You sound so upset and angry. Just forget about it all for now. Have some time out.
I don't think your partner doesn't care about your feelings, he's just had enough. I would be the same, I hate all the planning and fussing. It's a rubbish time for everyone, but it will get better, and when it does, you can look at it all in a clearer, calmer way.

honestly I'd sack it off.

Get married asap in a v small ceremony.

Big party when 'allowed' in any dress you like that makes you feel fabulous. Same for DD she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid

It's possible to lose weight before July use your dress as the incentive

To be honest, most weddings are just a big load of unnecessary stress (I include my own in this)

Forget this idea of a dream wedding nonsense and focus on what this is really about, you and you DP committing to each other.

Make up: When I got married I did my own make up as I would always do as if I was going somewhere special. As PP said, it's bonkers to have a different look for your wedding day; you need to look like you. You don't need a bloody make up artist.

Photos: we got a friend who was a really good at taking photos to take ours; she took some nice ones but actually the ones we've got up framed around the house are the ones that random guests took and gave to us. They turned out the nicest. Ask your family and friends to take lots of pics and email them.to you afterwards and then get a few of the nicest ones printed after. Job done. Also everybody hates the whole rigmarole of having the formal pics taken - it's a total ball ache. So ditch the photographer.

Bridesmaids: If your Dd isnt into it then dont bother and save the money on her dress etc.

Your dress: youll either have to lose the weight or go and find a cheap ish dress from somewhere. Mine was actually a ball gown but cream so it looked like a wedding dress; it was very simple and beautiful and cost 80 quid from Debenhams. Monsoon used to do some nice ones for about 150 quid.

I wish I hadnt stressed on my wedding day. Just relax and try to enjoy it. Also read Caitlin Moran's chapter on weddings in her book How to be a Woman if you can. How I wish Id read that before my own wedding.

Good luck.

Flowers: we had flowers made up for the reception etc but forgot to put them out on the actual day. Guess what? Nobody noticed or gave a shit. If you and bridesmaids need a bouquet just go to a local florist and get a couple made up.

Sorry, bloody paragraphs have disappeared!

It’s hard OP, the wedding you thought would finally happen isn’t working out that way and there’s little support or even buy in from folk you’d want to support you.

I’d echo the advice to think about what you do want, and work on that.

Is there anything that can be done with the dress that would make it work for you, maybe think about what you liked about it originally and focus on highlighting those things?

In terms of make up, have a look on you tube and practice, if you’ve got particular things you want to disguise you can search for dark circles, eyebrows etc and learn how to disguise them.

I’d also suggest popping over to the style and beauty boards - folk there always happy to help with all things wedding and make up related and might help you not throw money at things that don’t work.

Most of all it’s ok to be upset that it’s not how you dreamed it would be, it’s ok folk saying pare it back, but that’s not what you planned and it’s ok to be disappointed by it.

OP This is clearly about a lot more than the wedding. The wedding's become the place you're focusing it on. You sound quite self-aware - it sounds as if a lot of experiences in your life have left you feeling disregarded and unimportant and not having what others (seem to) have, and you wanted a very traditional wedding (including 'being asked' to somehow reverse that/make it come right. So while I absolutely understand (and am in agreement with, in principle and from my own experience of tiny wedding on a student budget) people saying it's the marriage/commitment that counts and the rest is frippery, it's not all that easy to find your way to that place when the so-called frippery has particular emotional significance. Tbf, given your partner took a very long time to ask you 8as you said), it may be a bit much to expect him to be excited about it, as clearly it's not something that he puts the same significance on as you - I'd not waste energy on that, but rather check for myself whether the lived commitment to you is really in place, of which the wedding will just be a symbol. It's hard to tell from your post whether that's the case but it's something I would look at if I were you.

I think IIWY I'd be pragmatic and forge ahead, using the things you have paid for (with the exception perhaps of the dress - you could put it away to sell and get a really lovely high street non-wedding one in the sale) and making the best of the rest - but make space to feel how you feel about the way things have gone and work through it.

There's some lovely elopement packages around, we got married 2015 just the two of us. Bliss! You might get a good deal in post lockdown times xx

Just stop and take a deep breath.

None of the things you are talking about here matter in the grand scheme of things.

"I said it would be have hurt his sister's to get in touch and offer help but they don't."

Again, stop for a moment and imagine what this would look like. Why on earth would they ring and offer something they can't help with. Do you expect them to be able to become make up artists of force you onto a diet or force your teenager to want to be a bridesmaid?

Is there a reason you expect his sisters to know they are meant to be doing things that he could do?

It's so easy.

Don't have the make up artist or the photographer, do your DD a favour and tell her she can be an ordinary guest. Lose the weight.

I had a massive wedding with every single bell and whistle imaginable.

If I had to get married again I would have a really pared down ceremony. Get rid of his big family guest list, go small - like 12 people. Spend those savings on making yourself feel beautiful. Small church/registry ceremony. Beautiful small table that looks gorgeous with flowers you have bought at market - give this job to one of your guests who is creative. Keep the photographer but get beautiful candid photos of the reception and ceremony rather than anything posed. No bridesmaids or groomsmen, just the two of you looking fabulous and spend any remaining money on lovely champagne/food for your small guest list.

Go to the registry office and just get married the rest is a nonsense circus anyway

@Pbur

I had a massive wedding with every single bell and whistle imaginable.

If I had to get married again I would have a really pared down ceremony. Get rid of his big family guest list, go small - like 12 people. Spend those savings on making yourself feel beautiful. Small church/registry ceremony. Beautiful small table that looks gorgeous with flowers you have bought at market - give this job to one of your guests who is creative. Keep the photographer but get beautiful candid photos of the reception and ceremony rather than anything posed. No bridesmaids or groomsmen, just the two of you looking fabulous and spend any remaining money on lovely champagne/food for your small guest list.

By small table I mean at the reception - could find classy gastropub with a function room/or nice outdoor bit that they could put a long rectangle table down for you/cover pushed together ones with tablecloth.

Also - I redid my expensive make up artist makeup. I would spend the makeup artist makeup going somewhere like Nars or Mac and getting one of those "makeovers" where you buy the products they use - ask them to teach you how to use them during the session.

Get your brows done and dyed as well - this makes your face look excellent without too much makeup effort.

All other things aside, it's not on that your DP imposed and a big wedding and has nothing to organize it. I'd want answers from him tbh. Does he take decisions in other areas of your life (kids/house-buying/housework/big purchases) and then let you carry the mental load?

We've cancelled our registry office which was halfway between our families. Instead we've just booked the statutory ceremony with two witnesses at the local registry office. We'll have a family celebration at a later date. Our most important priority is we get married.

I was dreading telling people about our change of plans but everyone has been really supportive. We've asked friends to be witnesses but if there's any sudden lockdown or travel restrictions then have another set on standby.

Please remember why you wanted to get married and keep that at the forefront of everything.

Dress - mine was £35 from an online retailer - not a wedding dress - just a pretty dress that theoretically I can wear again.....i haven't but when I lose 2 stone I just might!! (but who cares at that price)

No flowers - stick up a few helium balloons - if you aren't allowed no one will notice.

DD - tell her she doesn't have to be bridesmaid - can just be a guest.

Make up - book into a make up counter (when we are allowed) - get them to do your make up and buy the bits that will help most - usually a primer, foundation, concealer. Then you will probably have the rest. (I just did my usual minimal makeup as I did't want to not feel like/look like me).

You have a hair dresser.

You have a venue with food and drink.

Honestly you have the most important bits sorted.

Please have a cry, make up with your fiance and then have a lovely day. There is so much pressure on brides - take it off. The important thing is you come out married at the end.

I don't blame you for being sad. It's a rubbish situation and I really feel for all the brides of the last year.

Just a tip for the makeup though, have a look on Facebook for local ones you like the look of and just book 2 normal sessions for "nights out" (trial and real thing).
Don't even mention a wedding. Round here it's £30/£35 for normal makeup so you could save some money that way.

Weddings are stressful for everyone and even more so for you because of covid.

We all have horror stories. Even the best planned weddings have issues. I planned mine for a year. Everything went wrong. My make up person did a shit job on my make up, I ended up taking half off and doing it myself, she put so much black liner on my eyes that I looked like a squinty panda. My hair dresser was in bad form on the morning and I ended up with a completely different style than practiced, my photographer had to leave quarter way through because his wife went into labour, my flowers never turned up so I'd none in the church and had to use ones the church had over from mass the previous day. The dress I fell in love with I hated on the day, didn't feel 'pretty', but, looking back on the few photos we have the dress is really lovely. Our wedding meal was a disaster, no one liked it and a few ordered food after complaining about being hungry. One made a point of going to mc donald's and bringing back bags of food. Another complained about having to buy drinks for her kids, we had free wine and champagne during the meal but this person wanted free soft drinks for her kids. Our band never turned up so we'd no dancing, no first dance, the owner just played background music. There was so much that went wrong, that I squirm thinking about it. But, when talking to others who went, they all say how nice a day it was.

So while my day was kind of a disaster, and all that could go wrong, did, I still had a lovely day, we dealt with issues as they arose, no one else is ever aware of the disasters, if you can put in place something /someone else to cover the likes of makeup, photo etc do, if not just do without. We ended up with more photos from guests that we got enlarged.

Don't expect too much from your soon to be dh, they don't have the same interest as we do, I only know of one man who got really involved in his wedding and tbh it was a little weird.

Sit down, write what you really want, write what you can achieve. Focus on them things. Don't stress about the things that are out of your control. Don't expect help from others, most people hate organising weddings.

Do a no carb diet for 4 weeks and you'll loose at least a stone. I've pcos too.

If you decide you don’t want to get legally married no problem, you can move on and free yourself from the angst.

If you are in two minds and not sure, don’t do anything you are not happy with, sit on it and wait until you know what you want.

If you still want the wedding but you want to have fun, and not stress so much then focus on listening to yourself and what makes your heart sing.

The dress sounds like it is not making your heart sing so accept that and let it go.

You may not sell the dress straight away but why let that control the situation - it will sell eventually.

You can use the money from other things that you cut back on such as makeup and/or flowers and bridesmaids dresses to purchase another dress or outfit that makes you feel really excited to celebrate in it.
No point pretending that you are having a great time in a dress you don’t feel right in. You will see that you feel uncomfortable or not quite right in your photos. It only works well if you feel fantastic in whatever the outfit you choose.

OP - a lot of people are missing the fundamental question. Do you want to marry this man? It sounds as though you’re reappraising the relationship. Better to lose the deposits than keep ploughing ahead, if you’re fundamentally not happy with him.

Hello I'm new to group 😊

Urgently change your expectations.
Cancel the photographer and enjoy the day.
Ask guests to take lots of photos and you'll have a few nice ones to choose from.
Get dieting and exercising - low carb and 16:8 is the weightloss regime recommended for PCOS. You have a couple of months to make improvements.
Don't make your DD be a bridesmaid.
Tone the whole thing down and stop stressing about it.
You are legally formalising your relationship. That's all.

Is the cost for the make up artist to come to you?

Prom make up is cheaper because you don't get a trial and you go to their salon. If you can get there, just tell them you are going somewhere special, don't mention wedding. Ask your hairdresser if they have a make up artist there.