How do I ask my OH to pay me back?

[NeedATan]

I have been with my OH for two years. We live apart for a number of reasons and see each other at weekends and during holidays. We are happy together. A number of times we have borrowed cash off each other (between £20 and £100) to pay for unexpected stuff if we had no cash (or not enough cash) on ourselves. We have always paid each other back within a week or two. No issues whatsoever.

A month or so ago I ordered some boots he wanted to get for his brother for his birthday. He doesn't have an Amazon account so I offered to order them on his behalf (they cost around £150) and to have them sent directly to him, my OH. The boots arrived, his brother liked them, all good.

However my OH has since forgotten to pay me back - to be honest, until this morning I had forgotten all about the money myself. Because we only see each other at weekends, unless we remember then, another week will pass by before we can pay each other back. And the longer we forget, the less likely we'll remember. So how can I gently remind my OH about this money? Neither of us is hard up but £150 is still quite a bit of money for both of us so I'm keen not to 'write it off.' Any ideas? Thank you.

What confusion. Not seeing an issue with having 1 Amazon account and different payment cards on there

Seems like it would be confusing for op and her partner since they seem to do everything in cash, even for online orders

He doesn't have Amazon and doesn't do online banking. Which is a pain but that's how he is. We usually borrow cash because that's what we need (gardener, car valeter, that kind of thing). It's not a case of not having the money in the bank for either of us - it's having physical cash at that very moment.

I am seeing him at the weekend and will bring it up then if he hasn't. I hate asking for money back. Not just from him, from anyone I lend money to. And I'm not a doormat - I'm actually known to be quite bossy! But asking for money back is one thing I've always found hard. Mea culpa I know...

@NeedATan

He doesn't have Amazon and doesn't do online banking. Which is a pain but that's how he is. We usually borrow cash because that's what we need (gardener, car valeter, that kind of thing). It's not a case of not having the money in the bank for either of us - it's having physical cash at that very moment.

I am seeing him at the weekend and will bring it up then if he hasn't. I hate asking for money back. Not just from him, from anyone I lend money to. And I'm not a doormat - I'm actually known to be quite bossy! But asking for money back is one thing I've always found hard. Mea culpa I know...

Well if you find it difficult, make it easier by doing it by text.

'Hi X, got the bill for those boots from Amazon, will need the £150 to meet it. See you at the weekend. xx'

That way, you don't get tongue-tied, he gets a heads up and has the cash ready for you when you see him.

Whereas if you leave it until you get there, he's unlikely to have that much cash to hand and a trip to a cash machine will be needed. And you'll talk yourself out of raising the matter because you don't want to cause any bother! Then you'll get resentful because he didn't consider owing you £150 important enough to remember. Then he'll feel like a heel when he eventually remembers and realises that you didn't ask for him to repay you because you thought he didn't want to repay you.

Do you see how much trouble can result from not just being straight up?

Send the text. Now, before you talk yourself out of it.

(Oh, and if he won't have an Amazon account and won't do online banking, shrug and ignore. You don't have to do it for him, he's making an active choice, leave him to it.)

What a bizarre relationship

"Oi John, when you get a minute can you give me back that £150 you borrowed?"
"Yeah no worries. Get paid Thursday, I'll do it then"

Simple. Or so I thought

I50 is a lot of money to borrow.

Inwoukd be seriously unimpressed and pissed off having to ask.

Very rude on his behalf.
I wouldn't be inclined to loan again.

I also would be wondering about someone who didn't have online banking and was in the habit of borrowing.

I would be wanting to say to him to get his shit together.

If you hate asking for money back, don’t lend it to him in the first place?

You say this normally works fine between you. Put your big girl knickers on and just ask him to make sure he brings it for you.

I genuinely don’t understand why this is so nerve wracking for you.

It’s payday for many people today or tomorrow.

Now would be a good time to ask. If you leave it too late I guarantee you’ll get a:

“oh sorry babe I totally forgot. I’ll pay you back next month as I’ve no spare cash just now”.

Did you get your money back?

I did. At the weekend I asked him whether he had paid me back, saying I wasn't sure. He wasn't either and then when he tried to remember having paid me and couldn't, he apologised profusely and paid me back. I hated having to bring it up :-(

Hmm so what did you say when he tried to remember paying you back ? You do realise that if you had been less certain he hadn’t paid you he would have got away without it.
Also stop being his cashpoint, he needs to open his own Amazon account and set up online banking as post pandemic cash is going to be used less and less.

I borrow from him as much as he does from me. Neither of us has money problems but we use our cards a lot so when we need cash and we don't have any we borrow from each other if the other one does have cash on themselves. The Amazon thing, I won't deny, makes me mad but he's happy to buy from brick and mortar shops usually.

@NeedATan

I borrow from him as much as he does from me. Neither of us has money problems but we use our cards a lot so when we need cash and we don't have any we borrow from each other if the other one does have cash on themselves. The Amazon thing, I won't deny, makes me mad but he's happy to buy from brick and mortar shops usually.

If he won’t use online banking & you’re determined to keep lending and borrowing from each other in this way then you need some sort of spreadsheet, ledger, or some way to record it.

Relatedly, why say you were not sure he’d paid you back, when you knew he hadn’t?

'Oi, dickhead, where's my £150?

I can’t think of anywhere now that doesn’t take cards even for eg a newspaper -why do you need cash?
Get him to set up an Amazon account -takes seconds.

A sharp knee in the bollocks will do. 150 times.

He'll not forget again.

@DisgruntledPelican because I just couldn't bring myself to be more 'forward' than that. And I'm usually a very extrovert, bossy person. I just can't bring myself to ask for money back very easily.

@QuidditchQueen gardener gets paid cash, ironing lady, car valeter, handyman. They all give receipts but prefer cash. It makes no difference to me because I still get a receipt.

@NeedATan

I did. At the weekend I asked him whether he had paid me back, saying I wasn't sure. He wasn't either and then when he tried to remember having paid me and couldn't, he apologised profusely and paid me back. I hated having to bring it up :-(

You knew he hadn't paid you back. So why did you say to him that you weren't sure?

Why do you make your life more difficult than it needs to be?

This is one way financial abuse starts. Just saying. Making it awkward to get the money back or “forgetting” if they repaid. Stop the money lending either way and see how he behaves about it. Can’t do online banking or use Amazon? That’s totally abnormal in this day and age.

Ffs. Both of you need to learn to carry some cash on you. And get him to get his own amazon account. You can add his card to your account to pay for his purchases too. Or is there something else going on here? Seems suss.

To those fearing this is the beginning of my OH financially abusing me: I borrow cash off him more often than the other way around. It's usually around the hundred pound mark although it can be higher or lower. I usually pay him back the following day or so, depending on when I'm next near a cash machine. It's really not a big deal, besides the fact that I need to grow a pair when it comes to asking for my money back.