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Original poster

My teens have evolved - what am I meant to do now

77 replies

JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 11:42

So, after feeling like I was working in a hotel and becoming severely depressed I made a series of changes right after Xmas.
-pocket money had to be earnt not given
-wifi password earnt and not just there to be taken for granted
-a timetable of jobs so that everyone started to help rather than me and DP doing it all as well as work

It didn’t work. They just accepted it. Evolved

Wifi not on they started ..... reading
No pocket money they don’t seem bothered during lockdown

The house is still being treated like a hotel.
I ask and ask and nothing.
So I tried to do more. In feb i implemented the following
-I have stopped doing their laundry. Have each a lesson on how the washing machine works and felt smug that they might struggle. One seems to be coping fine the others seem to be taking stuff out of the dirty washing a lot which is a huge pile and they have huge piles of clothes in rooms too.

The house was STILL a mess and I am sick of asking . DP sat them all down to tell them they are expected to help. Excuses about schoolwork etc and being too busy. Still no help.

I have now had to resort to in a last ditch attempt only providing meals. I will add these are good portions and healthy and a dessert after dinner but I’ve stopped buying all the snacks and treats and I’ve booked a weekly cleaner sort the money saved

I honestly thought with the wifi and pocket money loss they’d realise they had to help I’m shocked they just evolved to cope.

They are 12,14,16

Are all teenagers like this. I’m just exhausted by it

OP posts:
Original poster
JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 11:45

I thought they’d be begging for the wifi password not just reading all of a sudden.
I will be asking the cleaner not to do their rooms as well

OP posts:
trunumber · 28/03/2021 11:45

I know nothing about teenagers so take my reply with a pinch of salt but I'm curious - if you sat them down and told them the emotional impact this is having in a really truthful way, would that change anything?

expectopelargonium · 28/03/2021 11:46

You've done well. The final thing you need to do is to stop caring. Embrace the carnage. They will move out eventually.

Grin

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Original poster
JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 11:50

@trunumber

I know nothing about teenagers so take my reply with a pinch of salt but I'm curious - if you sat them down and told them the emotional impact this is having in a really truthful way, would that change anything?
They’ve seen me cry with exhaustion and nothing changed ! I’m appalled tbh I want them to realise and maybe the only way is through their stomach! Like I said healthy filling meals will be provided and I do have a fruit bowl but I ordered zero snacks this week and it’s enough of a saving for a cleaner and I need a break they need to be prepared for the adult world too I’m not enabling them anymore. I’m really quite upset that they value me so little though
OP posts:
Original poster
JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 11:51

@expectopelargonium

You've done well. The final thing you need to do is to stop caring. Embrace the carnage. They will move out eventually.

Grin

I love them but I can’t wait
OP posts:
CongealedCrags · 28/03/2021 11:51

How much data have they got? Or have they acquired your neighbour's WiFi password?

Timeforabiscuit · 28/03/2021 11:51

So so much solidarity! They literally do not care, not in a malicious way, it's like that part of the brain hasn't been wired in yet.

Bribery works, as long as its something they want. Any boundary I set must be absolutely sound as both of mine seem to be aspiring lawyers and contract negotiators, able to see any minute contradiction or logical flaw.

Because I said so really doesn't cut it.

PursuingProxemicExactitude · 28/03/2021 11:51

I don't know the OP's offspring, trunumber - but I can confidently assure you that teens are not blessed with empathy. (I imagine because their brains are overly taxed with making them grow.) They really do not care about anyone else.

Commiserations, OP ...

Titsinknicks · 28/03/2021 11:51

Op that sounds really tough. How are you asking them to do their bit? Could you try negotiation with them? Ask them what chores they feel they can manage and when. Rather than punishing so they can rebel (WiFi password, withdrawing pocket money) could you try encouraging them to decide what to do - give them some power/choice.

HercwasanEnemyofEducation · 28/03/2021 11:54

Do they have other devices, mobiles/consoles? Take them away.

Their lack of value of you has been ingrained in them for a long time. It takes time to break a habit, and their habit is not valuing you.

Sideorderofchips · 28/03/2021 12:04

Honestly teens judt don't care. My eldest is a lovely girl but ask her to do chores or dishes etc you would think I had asked her yo offer up her soul for payment. This kid will happily muck out a stable but apparently doing the dishes is disgusting

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 28/03/2021 12:11

I think lots of teens are similar
Like sideorder, I have a lovely, friendly, polite, engaging teen daughter. Will she do anything around the house without being asked twice? Will she bollocks.

The 10yo is much better, but IIRC the 14yo was better at 10. I think they just become a bit more inward-focused for a while. We have had the conversations about how this makes me feel, and while she absolutely agrees in principle, nowt changes. I am reconciled with being a bit of a nag to get shit done.

Joeblack066 · 28/03/2021 12:13

Stop asking.
Start telling.
You’re not their friend, you’re their parent.
They need to start understanding that they have responsibilities in this life, and rules to obey. Find your authority and use it.
I mean this kindly btw. I know it’s not easy!

ExponentiallyDepleted · 28/03/2021 12:14

Yes, I've got one of these. Great company, no backchat or anger. Just doesn't chip in with chores unless nagged over and over. The other one is better and also nags on my behalf sometimes, which is nice.

GetTheStartyParted · 28/03/2021 12:15

The only thing I have made work is to all clean and tidy at the same time. So Sunday morning means we clean, tidy, hoover, dust and so on. All at the same time.

Any chores in the week get frequently ignored and DS forgets where the bin is, leaving a trail of wrappers behind him. He does help with the washing up each night, but again, only because either DH or I am there to do the drying up.

This worked with the older children too, I had so much frustration before implementing this. The older ones were messier than DS. DS is the last one left, and I cannot wait to downsize once he's left Grin

NoCureForLove · 28/03/2021 12:18

I do feel your pain OP. But.... you do need to stay engaged with your teens, keep a dialogue going. You don't want your home to be a conflict zone as it damages you as much as them. You have to keep talking and asking and telling but not get so emotionally involved that you are weeping and wailing at them. My mum did all that a lot and it was horrible. We have very little contact now.

megletthesecond · 28/03/2021 12:19

Mine won't do anything for pocket money either (room tidying, basic team housework chores).
They don't want regular money (aren't fussed by brands or tech) and just dip into Xmas and birthday money when they want something.
Turning off Wi-Fi causes shouting about how they have to do homework or DD just has a violent meltdown.

Puffinhead · 28/03/2021 12:20

My teens get pocket money but it’s loosely based on their behaviour/attitude not chores. If they’ve been arguing lots with the family (each other, siblings and parents) then I reserve the right to reduce it.

They’re expected to do tidy their room, do basic chores etc. Simply because they live here too and should contribute. I don’t link this to money - I don’t get paid for doing these things so why should they.

I’d love to say this works perfectly but they’re teens!! Hormones play a huge part too. I do rant and rage occasionally, and that kind of helps. I also refuse to tidy up after them. Good luck!

Dogsaresomucheasier · 28/03/2021 12:21

I assume the 16 year old is caught up in the carnage of the year 11 or 6th form exam debacle. I’d cut that one a bit of slack.

It’s also not fair that that one got to 16 without having to help out but the younger ones are being asked to start.

They will have better natures, it’s just well hidden!

You need a cleaner for your own sanity. That is a priority as is whatever school stuff the eldest has on. Can you give them a choice about what they give up to fund the domestic help? Amazon prime/games console subscription/pocket money/snacks.

Puffinhead · 28/03/2021 12:25

Sorry, just reread your OP and can see that you’ve already removed pocket money etc.. Try removing devices as other pp have suggested. That seems to work here sometimes.

Once shops are open again, they may want money, especially if they’re going with their friends.

Kerberos · 28/03/2021 12:26

Mine are the same age and I feel your pain.

What worked with mine was an honest conversation about how busy work is, how I'm stressed about some things and an agreement on fairness. We all live together in our house and it's not just me and Dad who should be responsible for keeping it clean.

Their standards are far far lower than mine so we still have problems but it's better.

EileenGC · 28/03/2021 12:27

Were they asked to pitch in with household chores when they were younger? Or has this only started recently?

I’m afraid teenagers do, indeed, not care much. But if this is the first time they’re expected to do things at home, it’s a bit less surprising. It’s a new expectation from them. I don’t know what the solution is. Devices taken away? 🤔

For those upthread saying ‘I don’t yet have teens’ - please do give your children chores from a very young age. Dusting the living room at the age of 6 is perfectly doable and teaches the child early on that the house is kept clean by the whole family, not just mum and dad! I don’t remember not helping at home, it never happened and I’m still very young so it’s not like I was raised by the previous generation. I plan on doing the same with my children and then they’ll turn into teenagers and ignore it anyway

MrHannigansCat · 28/03/2021 12:33

Stop asking
Start telling
You’re not their friend, you’re their parent
They need to start understanding that they have responsibilities in this life, and rules to obey

This, do they have phones? remove them. Phones are conditional on doing their laundry etc. Password protect any streaming such as Netflix/Prime, remove any tvs/laptops/computers from them. Stop using the word "help" it makes it sound like it is your job and your job alone.

No one pays me to do housework, no one else is getting paid in this house to do chores. They don't get to choose whether they do chores or not, their rooms need to be tidy, they are not toddlers. You need to sadly stand over them whilst they do stuff, you can't just ask and expect it to happen when they have got to the ages they have. You and Dh need to present a united front. Stand over them watching them sort their laundry or other household stuff.

megletthesecond · 28/03/2021 12:34

eileen yes! It was fine getting mine to help at primary school age. They liked being grown up. Teens don't care.

PenguinIce · 28/03/2021 12:34

No real advice as my teenagers don’t help much round the house either. However the fact you have held out with the limited wifi since Christmas is very impressive. If I had done the same it would have been WW3 in my house so you are obviously doing something right!

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