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Original poster

My teens have evolved - what am I meant to do now

77 replies

JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 11:42

So, after feeling like I was working in a hotel and becoming severely depressed I made a series of changes right after Xmas.
-pocket money had to be earnt not given
-wifi password earnt and not just there to be taken for granted
-a timetable of jobs so that everyone started to help rather than me and DP doing it all as well as work

It didn’t work. They just accepted it. Evolved

Wifi not on they started ..... reading
No pocket money they don’t seem bothered during lockdown

The house is still being treated like a hotel.
I ask and ask and nothing.
So I tried to do more. In feb i implemented the following
-I have stopped doing their laundry. Have each a lesson on how the washing machine works and felt smug that they might struggle. One seems to be coping fine the others seem to be taking stuff out of the dirty washing a lot which is a huge pile and they have huge piles of clothes in rooms too.

The house was STILL a mess and I am sick of asking . DP sat them all down to tell them they are expected to help. Excuses about schoolwork etc and being too busy. Still no help.

I have now had to resort to in a last ditch attempt only providing meals. I will add these are good portions and healthy and a dessert after dinner but I’ve stopped buying all the snacks and treats and I’ve booked a weekly cleaner sort the money saved

I honestly thought with the wifi and pocket money loss they’d realise they had to help I’m shocked they just evolved to cope.

They are 12,14,16

Are all teenagers like this. I’m just exhausted by it

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 28/03/2021 15:14

I agree that the ages matter, and that a 12 year old is not the same as a 16 year old. They sound infuriatingly lazy and I'm not surprised their lack of care or empathy is driving you up the wall. But I think you have to be a little careful not to turn it into a stand-off or huge power play (you mention looking forward to feeling smug that they can't use the washing machine for example, even though you want them to do their washing) especially with the 12 year old. So from what you say at the moment you have a pre-teen who is taking dirty clothes out of the washing pile to have something to wear, gets no pocket money because you are paying for a cleaner with it- although not for his room, gets no nice food or treats and is forbidden to use your wi fi. Are you sure you want to go further down this road as it's not ideal. Kids do remember these things in adulthood.

Original poster
JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 15:17

@JovialNickname

I agree that the ages matter, and that a 12 year old is not the same as a 16 year old. They sound infuriatingly lazy and I'm not surprised their lack of care or empathy is driving you up the wall. But I think you have to be a little careful not to turn it into a stand-off or huge power play (you mention looking forward to feeling smug that they can't use the washing machine for example, even though you want them to do their washing) especially with the 12 year old. So from what you say at the moment you have a pre-teen who is taking dirty clothes out of the washing pile to have something to wear, gets no pocket money because you are paying for a cleaner with it- although not for his room, gets no nice food or treats and is forbidden to use your wi fi. Are you sure you want to go further down this road as it's not ideal. Kids do remember these things in adulthood.
I’m really hope it’s temporary The other 2 were 12 once and of I’d done this then maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation now. I have to look at me parenting and wonder about it. As horrible as it sounds for a 12 year old if it’s temporary and teaches a longer term lesson is that a good thing ?
OP posts:
Original poster
JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 15:18

Sorry so many typos in that last message!

OP posts:

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errorofjudgement · 28/03/2021 15:23

How on earth did they manage zoom classes and how are they doing homework without the WiFi?
And seriously, I wouldn’t let my DC wear dirty smelly clothes to school.

It’s not that I don’t hear your frustration and exhaustion, but I think you’d be better focussing on what they do in their down time and stopping that until the house is tidy each evening.
So no phones, books, tv, games etc until the shared spaces are clean and tidy. Every day.

WindFlower92 · 28/03/2021 15:25

Do they actually know why they've had the WiFi and pocket money taken away? It sounds like you might be being a bit passive aggressive about their punishments, and they think they've got away with not doing anything while you're not mentioning it. My mum did this when I was a teenager, and I could have held out on any punishment like this if it kept her quiet! You might need to start actively nagging daily, but I get that that's emotionally draining as well!

T1gerEyes · 28/03/2021 16:04

And stopping doing the washing for the younger ones especially is a bit weird. Are you working all the hours? Can't you just put a wash on etc?

GetTheStartyParted · 28/03/2021 16:41

@Wimpeyspread my Dad raised me and my sisters. When his mum came round, she was definitely scarier than him Grin

If Grandma wasn't happy with the state of the place, she'd pile everything into one big heap and make us sort it out!

Daphnesmate04 · 28/03/2021 16:42

So so much solidarity! They literally do not care, not in a malicious way, it's like that part of the brain hasn't been wired in yet.

I'm holding onto this because everything teen does revolves around themselves. My teen does next to nothing, nor do they value me - largely it seems because I don't earn money - sahm as I have younger children. My primary aged child does her allotted chore and pocket money works well as an incentive.

Following with interest.

Daphnesmate04 · 28/03/2021 16:46

I have given up. I just cannot be bothered with it all, it's utterly, utterly exhausting. I just close the doors on their mess, dump crap they leave round the house in their rooms and do their washing as long as they have put it in the laundry basket. I have to stay uninvolved for my sanity. I'm past caring.

I have recently reached this stage. Conflict with my teen was affecting my mental health. Yes also to the copious trail of towels and dirty crockery stacked in their room.

Original poster
JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 16:48

@errorofjudgement

How on earth did they manage zoom classes and how are they doing homework without the WiFi? And seriously, I wouldn’t let my DC wear dirty smelly clothes to school.

It’s not that I don’t hear your frustration and exhaustion, but I think you’d be better focussing on what they do in their down time and stopping that until the house is tidy each evening.
So no phones, books, tv, games etc until the shared spaces are clean and tidy. Every day.

For online learning I sat them downstairs logged in one in kitchen, one in living room and one in study and in between lessons / teams meeting etc laptops went off.

They have clean school uniform. Everything else though I’ve left to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustLiketheraptors · 28/03/2021 16:49

@T1gerEyes

And stopping doing the washing for the younger ones especially is a bit weird. Are you working all the hours? Can't you just put a wash on etc?
They do things like use every towel we own and leave them on the floor so I keep mine in my room now I need them to realise this isn’t a hotel !
OP posts:
LindaEllen · 28/03/2021 16:50

My stepson is the same. He doesn't care what's taken away from him or what he's asked to do, he adapts to find a way around everything in the laziest and most annoying way possible.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/03/2021 16:52

I really have no idea why some help and some don't. I was a full time working single mum and my DS always helped out with cooking, washing, ironing. I never had to ask. The washing up was always done before I got home from work and the cats were fed.
We didn't have wifi or social media when he was growing up, I'm wondering if that makes a big difference.

Happymum12345 · 28/03/2021 17:17

I have children of a similar age op and can’t imagine making them do lots around the house. My mum was always angry if the washing up hadn’t been done or other things similar. I vowed then that I would try to raise my own dc in a relaxed home. It maybe a little messy at times, never too dirty though, but it is a happy home. They will be gone soon enough, try not to worry. My dm now regrets being the way she was and wishes she had been more relaxed. My dc to help etc, but it’s never a big deal.

Flowers24 · 28/03/2021 17:21

Teens are mainly like this , mine will do stuff if i nag/ ask a few times but would not think to themselves.

Having teens is mother natures way of preparing you for when they leave as they drive us up the wall with stress ..

Cowbells · 28/03/2021 19:19

OP,
Take a different approach, since this one isn't working. Catch them all - before or after a meal is a good time, and say everyone is doing 10 minutes of house work right now. Give each of them a specific task: hoover the living room and stairs, unstack and reload dishwasher/do the dishes, empty all the bins into a bin bag and put it in the outside bin etc. Every day ask for 10 mins of work from each of them, simultaneously.

Also do 5 minute family tidy ups where for 5 mins everyone hangs up their own coats, jackets and bags, puts away their own shoes and clutter from the living area surfaces.

Call someone to lay the table every night - a different one each night. And whoever didn't lay it clears it.

Make no big deal of any of this. The idea is to turn jobs into such tiny chores they don't notice or resent them. But from your POV, 10 mins per person per day if there are 3 DC and one DH as well as you equates to 40 mins of housework per day or over 4.5 hours per week of cleaning and tidying that isn't being done by you. That's as much as a cleaner would do.

CurlyMango · 28/03/2021 21:19

Agree parent them. It’s not optional. Not all teens are like this, mine are 16 and if they are not acting/doing appropriately I pull them up on it.

Gwynfluff · 28/03/2021 21:29

Mine didn’t want me in their rooms and decided I ruined their clothes. So they wash their own clothes (an instinct to want to wear clean stuff, even when not at school in lockdown, seemed to kick in). Similarly- bedrooms can get filthy - I just don’t go in - but eventually they all realised (well 13 yo is getting there), that it’s unpleasant and if they want friends round they always want it tidy - so they will eventually sort it. They get the pleasure feeling of it being tidy too - so the reward base kicks in and helps!

But I really don’t fight other battles. Wifi is a given now, I think - like a basic. I cook for them mostly as they also have lots on with life and exams and I want some routine stuff to be out of their hands. But all are good at managing time and their school work and they have started to cook bits for themselves - whereas, had I forced cooking for the family - I don’t think they would have started to do this.

My own mum did everything, I still managed to leave home easily and adapt to living independently- I think mine are more ready tbh

Bottl · 28/03/2021 21:42

I feel your pain, op.

Reading your thread makes me realise ds and I are coming out the other side of this phase so hang tight, it will improve. And I find it of some comfort, that to a certain degree, their apparent lack of empathy is a cognitive stage of development and that they aren't deliberately trying to upset us. It just doesn't hold the same importance to them as it does to us.

Like a pp, I try to put my teenage self where ds is now and thank my lucky stars I'm not dealing with what my mother had to. I also let ds know he too is lucky he has me as his mother and not the one I had Grin

Ds is definitely still a work in progress. He will do any task I ask of him (and has almost always been this way) but I got very overwhelmed a few months ago by the fact he couldn't see that things needed doing and me having to ask him to do things still made it part of my mental load. I was very resentful about working 50hrs a week while he could lounge around in his bed all day, every day (recently finished school and furloughed from p/t job).

The lightbulb moment for ds was being home alone for 3 nights and realising how much work was involved in keeping the house ticking over by himself. This led to a conversation about him living in a flat when he leaves home as it'd be easier to keep clean and tidy so this is now what he is aiming for Grin

Itsalonghaul · 28/03/2021 21:52

I second the 10min rule, and I try to do it twice a day. IE quick burst in the morning - quick burst in the evening.

I find more than 10mins is too much, and causes friction.

During the day it is okay to ask for help with different things. Also getting into the habit of making meals, tidying up after themselves.

PanamaPattie · 28/03/2021 22:19

When my 4 DC were living at home, they didn't do any chores. They were responsible for keeping their rooms tidy or not, putting their dirty clothes in the laundry bin or it didn't get washed. They shared a bathroom. I never cleaned it. I never cleaned their rooms. They could eat with me or not - up to them. I stocked the fridge and larder with endless food and snacks and I cooked a meal every evening. No conflicts and no dramas. They all grew up to be well rounded human beings.

Sadik · 28/03/2021 22:31

Serious question - how much does your DP do around the house? I'd say that in many cases where I know there's a similar dynamic with teens not pulling their weight, the DP doesn't do a fair share of household chores either.

Sadik · 28/03/2021 22:37

Separately, are there things that they are happy to do? My dd is older now (19) but even when she was a younger teen there were some jobs that she was much more responsive to doing than others, mostly more physical ones plus cooking. I figured that pragmatically speaking if she was happy carrying wood / chopping kindling / doing shopping / running errands for my elderly parents it was a lot easier to hand those jobs over to her and do the cleaning myself.

She also was (& is) pretty good about cooking both reasonably regularly & on days when I couldn't face it.
I do think though that both being a ft working single parent which I was then and only having one child actually make it less of a battle - it's really obvious that you need help, and also obvious that there is only one child to do it, no debates between siblings!

TheSilveryPussycat · 28/03/2021 22:44

@Sadik

Serious question - how much does your DP do around the house? I'd say that in many cases where I know there's a similar dynamic with teens not pulling their weight, the DP doesn't do a fair share of household chores either.
This is a large part of why my Ex is an Ex Sad
ceilingsand · 28/03/2021 23:33

Whenever I used to think I had banned the wifi , they'd normally found a way round it. Teens are very clever with tech.

The only thing that worked for me was to hang on to them after dinner, and get them to do ten minutes, with me, all together. And always inconvenience them to return to the kitchen if they'd left it a mess eg after making a sandwich.