My teens have evolved - what am I meant to do now

[JustLiketheraptors]

So, after feeling like I was working in a hotel and becoming severely depressed I made a series of changes right after Xmas.
-pocket money had to be earnt not given
-wifi password earnt and not just there to be taken for granted
-a timetable of jobs so that everyone started to help rather than me and DP doing it all as well as work

It didn’t work. They just accepted it. Evolved

Wifi not on they started ..... reading
No pocket money they don’t seem bothered during lockdown

The house is still being treated like a hotel.
I ask and ask and nothing.
So I tried to do more. In feb i implemented the following
-I have stopped doing their laundry. Have each a lesson on how the washing machine works and felt smug that they might struggle. One seems to be coping fine the others seem to be taking stuff out of the dirty washing a lot which is a huge pile and they have huge piles of clothes in rooms too.

The house was STILL a mess and I am sick of asking . DP sat them all down to tell them they are expected to help. Excuses about schoolwork etc and being too busy. Still no help.

I have now had to resort to in a last ditch attempt only providing meals. I will add these are good portions and healthy and a dessert after dinner but I’ve stopped buying all the snacks and treats and I’ve booked a weekly cleaner sort the money saved

I honestly thought with the wifi and pocket money loss they’d realise they had to help I’m shocked they just evolved to cope.

They are 12,14,16

Are all teenagers like this. I’m just exhausted by it

12 is very different to 16. I don’t think it’s fair that they are being expected to act like an adult while their sibling had an extra 4 years to do nothing. Can you tell I’m the youngest in my family?

If they are no longer receiving snacks and the money saved is being used for a cleaner, why can’t the cleaner clean their rooms too? Obviously they can’t Hoover or dust if the the floor/surfaces aren’t clear so why not offer that as an option?

It just feels like you are turning your house into a battleground and they will remember how much their mum resented them if you continue on in this way. You are the adult here, they are the ones that are still growing up. You need to invest in connecting and building the relationship as well as tallying up how much work they are creating.

And yes I have two teens.

I really recommend 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'. You can get it free on kindle if you have Amazon prime. Loads of good tips there but it explains why punishment doesn't really work.

They’ve seen me cry with exhaustion and nothing changed ! I’m appalled tbh

That’s dreadful. I have teens, of course they can be lazy but they’re not unfeeling. If they acted like this they would just be told they’re doing it now, no option of just losing something else like wifi or my washing clothes service.

I am in exactly the same position!

I take away all devices and they don't care!
Cut pocket money, completely indifferent.
Stop washing, they happily wear dirty clothes.
Stop cooking, they just eat cereal.

Yup they stack the dishwasher, unstack it - they can clean the surfaces after dinner. But the collection of glasses never come down, ever. The towels are endless battle. The washing apparently is optional.

There is literally nothing left!! If anyone can tell me what I have missed, I will be eternally grateful! I started early with chores (5 years old) and one day they realised they could down tools and they did!

I am on the verge of giving up

I don't know anything about raising teens so can't help on that front and I'm so sorry you're struggling so much OP but it did tickle me slightly that they've decided to take up reading in response to a punishment I bet they wouldn't have started reading if you'd suggested they do it ore

I found the only thing that worked is peer pressure. When allowed, invite theirs friends over for a garden get together. Mine scrub the house if their friends are due. 🤣

It sounds like you’re feeling very overwhelmed in general, perhaps beyond what might be proportional to teenage behaviour and their preference to not do chores. It’s been a really tough year, so it may be wise to take some time to consider if you’re feeling anxious mom other areas, or perhaps problems in other areas are being channelled to this issue. There are lots of self care resources available, but making an appointment with your GP might be an important start.

Hire a cleaner to do a deep clean of the whole house including ironing etc so that you start with a blank canvas. That way, you won’t feel like there is so much to do if you schedule housekeeping tasks with your DH and can better keep on top of it. Your house sounds like a battleground, and your teenagers will just learn to quietly dismiss or resent you. Give the WiFi password back, praise them for the reading, and get back to a more reasonable situation. Is your husband doing half of the work? If not, why not?

I honestly dont think they notice or care TBH! My DC were the same .I admire those who got the DC cleaning for PM from a young age . If they are struggling with Schooling in LD maybe cut them some slack.Maybe have a chat with them in a quiet moment about how you are tired and would appreciate some help .

I have given up. I just cannot be bothered with it all, it's utterly, utterly exhausting. I just close the doors on their mess, dump crap they leave round the house in their rooms and do their washing as long as they have put it in the laundry basket. I have to stay uninvolved for my sanity. I'm past caring.

I have 2x 12 year olds and 1 x16 year old.
Specific roles each day helps us and telling them what I expect them to do.
I'm not sure they care or not....or they just can't be bothered to deal with me when i kick off. Which is worse? Mum on 1 or chores? 🧐
I also use the line....if you leave your dishes out you are expecting me or your dad to pick up after you....we are not your slaves. Don't treat us like it.

I think some acceptance that this is a 'stage' has helped me, like the one when they were teething and awake all night. This is just another stage, they won't turn out hairless, toothless monsters that have no care for anyone or anything! One day they will emerge from adolescence.

Most likely they are exercising their free will and independence, and that this is a biological need of theirs that needs to be met. Whether I like it or not. Am I able to be sensitive to their needs and wants at this age? Am I able to rise above this stage, with my sanity in place to simply turn on the radio, and ignore the mildew glasses that are growing a new form of bacteria in every dark corner? Can I look at the tip of their rooms and simply and quietly close the door? Because it is their space. Can I see the endless plates and washing and towels strewn in all four corners of the earth and not completely lose my shit? This is the biggest test of our own patience, our empathy and our parenting.

I try to remember that this stuff is just annoying, it doesn't make dc bad people - it is just annoying. Thats all.

So I talk about what they can do well, what is working for us, I never fail to thank them when a miracle happens, and a glass is finally moved.

I try not to forget how hard it is too be a teenager with so much to contend with, already so much to deal with as a fledgling person.

I hug them because they are not mine for much longer, and every day that passes that is lost on bad feeling and words about the glasses or the towels, we will all be one step closer to a pristine house but my teens will have gone, living their own lives and I will miss all of this glasses, towels and all.

I would decide on the minimum you want them to do (otherwise too much time and energy policing and arguing) and it should be different for them all as a 12 year old is not the same as a 16 year old. I really focused on them not making extra mess down stairs so you tidy up behind you and putting washing out into the laundry bin so I could sort a full wash. Sort bedrooms out, change own beds (older ones) . You eat what is made or cook your own and clear up afterwards. I empty dishwasher every morning so it is empty for all to put stuff in during the day. Sometimes ask for other jobs to be done like empty kitchen bin, hoover but nothing routinely. Once boyfriends/girlfriends started visiting I asked them to clean the bathroom for their guests. I think I might be a push over but I can't do with the aggro of chasing everyone up.

What exactly do you want doing OP at 14 and 16 plus a partner it seems odd.

Um, this is possibly going to offend or shock some people, but I have had 'the talk' with mine, where I pointed out that in not very many years, it's no longer going to be their right to live here, it's going to be at our discretion. And if they are disrespectful, non-contributing slobs, who make mess and work for us, they're quite possibly going to be told it's time for them to find their own nest to shit in, rather than continuing to shit in ours. It seemed to hit home, to a certain extent.

But teenagers, on the whole, are trolls. Love mine to bits, but they seem to reach a point where they do less and make more mess, than previously. . .

Well the fact they are reading is surely a win?

Silver lining and all

I think the ages matter. The 16yr old can work, so be harder on them. Cancel phone contract, they can have PAYG and buy their own credit either by earning their pocket money or getting a job. I'd the phone breaks replace with a cheap basic £20 one so they can still contact you, no iPhones or whatever. No more buying them clothes, except cheap basic essentials and school uniform, if they want something more they can save up and buy it themselves. No paying for their hobbies, they can find the money for it themselves. If you're driving them around stop that too, they can walk, cycle or use the bus.

It's good they're all reading, that's better than being on a computer screen or phone all day. Maybe tell them you're pleased about that, talk to them about what they're reading, so you're having some good conversations and it's not all complaining?

I think you've done the right thing with the food/snacks. Definitely keep your cleaner going forward.

Change the washing basket system, put one in each bedroom not a central one in the bathroom. If they wear dirty clothes that's upto them. Don't say anything unless they smell of a personal hygiene problem. You've shown them how to use the washing machine now it's upto them. It might be they were putting clothes worn only for a couple hours into the washing basket and now they have to do the washing themselves they've decided those clothes can be worn a second time after all.

I have a friend who gave the children the run of the upstairs. Her and her husband moved into the ground floor extension with their en-suite bathroom.

She never goes up stairs. She says it is a scary place. She went to tell her dd something and the state that her bedroom was in gave her nightmares
She does all the washing if it is brought down stairs and will provide meals, WiFi and pocket money but after that what goes on upstairs stays upstairs.

I think you have to shut the door on their bedrooms and just clean everything else and ask them to keep anything of theirs in their own room.

@wantmorenow

I found the only thing that worked is peer pressure. When allowed, invite theirs friends over for a garden get together. Mine scrub the house if their friends are due. 🤣

This! Only with us it was a visit from Grandma, obviously a lot scarier than me

I have teens and they are lovely, but not tidy. They spend most of their time in their bedrooms though so they don't mess up the house really. Their bedrooms are their own domain and they keep them however they want, with two caveats, no meals are eaten in their rooms, so no dirty dishes in there, and anything that needs to be washed is put in the laundry basket. If they leave any of their stuff downstairs, i remind them to bring it up. If they forget, i bring it up and dump it on their beds for them to sort. Are they messing up the whole house, or just their own rooms?

I would take the wins in this situation and we’ll done in setting and sticking to the boundaries. The wins are they are adaptable, they’re reading, one appears to have an adequate understanding of washing, and if the cleaner works out then that takes a load off you. While it’s not the result you were hoping for, the consequence of you not doing everything may be partially achieved?

Work on the fun stuff then everyone does thirty mins tidy up time.

Anything that’s not done is left. But a robot hoover and accept that standard can slide. You don’t sound happy but is it the mess or them or other stuff?

Teenagers are not easy to deal with, I have a 15 year old girl she is not bad but is hard to make her happy and I have a 6 year old boy he wants to be a teenager lol I tell him please let me finish dealing with your sister first lol. You are doing great job with your teens, just don't worry to much about their actions, you are the one who gets the stress and they don't care.

I can't really see exactly what they're doing so wrong tbh. What jobs are you wanting them to do and when?

It's far more effort to start withholding passwords/ money than it is to just tell them to do the things you'd like doing.

My teens have their own floor with bathroom, which I do not touch. They do their own tidying and cleaning and washing. And they have fights amongst eachother about keeping their bathroom clean. One DC is super clean the other is a slob.

Last year we ended up with a massive moth infestation it originated from slob teens room, it was enough to scare the crap out of teen which has resulted in a passably clean room.

Nobody is allowed to remove dishes and keep them in their rooms.

Everyone has set chores. One teen cleans out litter trays and feeds cats. One sets the table and cleans up after meals and does pots after I’ve cooked.

Everyone cleans on Sunday morning I Hoover, one teen mops the ground floor and eldest dc deep cleans kitchen. DH does laundry.

I’ve made it clear since they were little that I couldn’t do everything or I would keel over. DC have been doing laundry and setting tables since they were very small.

I can see why if DC haven’t had to raise a finger ever why they’d be aggrieved at having to suddenly do chores.

Stand your ground they should at least clean up after themselves.

“Bribery works, as long as its something they want. Any boundary I set must be absolutely sound as both of mine seem to be aspiring lawyers and contract negotiators, able to see any minute contradiction or logical flaw.

Because I said so really doesn't cut it.“

This