Best insult you have given or received?

[NoEffingWay]

I was once walking down the road, and some mysterious person shouted out of a window 'you've got too many highlights' --it was the mid 2000's and they were right'

I am the queen of going home after someone has been a cockwomble and coming out with killer lines 3-4hours later.

Way back when I was young, naive and self confident I had a row with my team leader, which led to her saying don't speak like that to your superior to which I replied you may be my boss but you're not my superior.

Said to me by a year 6 girl while also pointing at her foot. 'Talk to this because you can't get any lower than you are.' I was annoyed but also slightly impressed!

Very drunk guy in a club: “You look like an idiot with all that make-up on!”

I was dressed as a toy soldier for Halloween. I had a little drum kit any everything.

A patient I was nursing smiled very sweetly at my colleague and said "bless you dear..." then gestured at her waist and followed it up with "and all who sail in you!".

Little boy of about 5 told me " be like a bee and buzz off"

I was talking to the manager of my local Spa shop commiserating that her kids think she is old. I said " have you had your covid jab yet?" She said "no " so I said " that means your not old"

My cousin was complaining that he was getting too many unsolicited marketing calls on his mobile. So I told him to get his old brick out and use that. Noone ever used to call him on that.

Me to someone with a moustache
“Just cos you’ve got that hair round your mouth, there’s no need to talk like a cunt”

Borrowed from viz but had the desired effect

Question: "Where have you been all my life?"

Answer: "I wasn't born for most of it".

Someone from a rival yard (horseracing)
Always had to say something pathetic while riding past our string.
One day one of our lads said "Your parents must have been Olympic level weightlifters to bring up a dumbell like you!"
All the lads from his yard burst out laughing at him and he was much quieter after that.
It always makes me chuckle when I think about it.

I feel guilty for laughing at The Eastenders one

"I am much more feminine than you".

From a married husband and father who now describes himself as transgender ( no plans for surgery, but wearing lipstick and a skirt to work).

My boyfriend introduced me to his friend on an evening out, the friend said “I admire your taste mate” which I suppose was a compliment. My boyfriend replied “If you like her, you should see her flat mate”

It didn’t last long after that unsurprisingly

At my bro's wedding the minister's wife met me in the toilet & said 'oh buckeejit, you look lovely today....but I suppose everybody suits red don't they?'

Errr, thanks?! 😒

Shouted at by workies many moons ago when I was young and purty “ do you wanna’ sit on my face?” To which I replied “ why, is your nose bigger than your dick?” I know this sounds made up. I swear it’s not. I’d seen it somewhere and always held onto it , back when being jeered at was almost expected ( unfortunately). First time I EVER managed a comeback in a decent timeframe. Only time too, I think.

Also sorry, I laughed at the eastenders one too

DD said one her friends was teasing a boy in their class about his appearance. He said " Yeah, but you look as if you've trapped your face in a car door....."

DS age 8 told me I am 'as skinny as a potato'

To my bosses boss who joined in the bullying I was experiencing, and claiming lots of people were complaining about me - when I stated no one was talking to me about any problems he told me that people found me too intimidating to talk to - and even he did at times. I asked if he found a junior member of staff intimidating was he sure he was in the right job? I resigned soon after (best thing I ever did) he was fired 6 month later.

A girl roughly aged six kept asking me "what number was it" "what number was it" I was slightly confused... Turned out she wanted to know what number of bus was it that had ran over my face

I bumped into someone I used to work with who was physically and emotionally abusive. When we worked together I was 17, living alone and working 2 jobs to pay my rent. She asked if I was still 'pathetically poor and alone'. Thankfully I was right by my car so she got to watch as DH jumped out and opened the door to my range rover to let me in. She has since asked for money for her holidays and car three times and each time I've got to call her pathetic. I also got to donate some equipment to her children's school and saw her reaction when her lovely kids thanked me for it in an assembly.

A guy once said to me "you're very attractive face on,but you have quite a big nose..you remind me of Cheryl Crow..no,I mean Cole"

It's horrible & perhaps commonly said but about a colleague, one of the others described her as 'body of baywatch, face of crimewatch'

My little nephew told me he liked sitting on my knee for story and cuddles because i was sqidgy and not bony like nanny.

Had an old lady who was a regular customer in the shop l worked at say ooh l didn't know you were pregnant dear. I said oh l'm not, l'm just fat. She replied you're not fat, you're just chunky. Oh well that's ok then!!

At a bbq about 5 years ago a friend got into a row with her MIL. Her DH stuck up for his MIL even though MIL was the one who started it. Friend shouted at him ‘get ya balls out of ya mothers handbag and start being a man’ it still makes me chuckle now.

I lost weight ( I wasn't particularly big say 11 stone 7 bmi 25 I went down to 8 stone 12 and bmi was 17/18. I was told " you look great wow your arms look like normal people's arms now " wtf

Drunk arsehole at a gig kept pestering me and trying to start a conversation while I studiously ignored him and tried to watch my then boyfriend's band:

"I'm x. What's your name?" holds out his hand

Him again:
"What's your name?"

still no response from me. He thrusts his open hand out further

"I'm x. What's your name? Here, shake my hand. Why don' you shake my hand?"

No idea how I came up with this so quickly, but it's probably the bitchiest thing I've ever said:
"I don't generally shake hands with people I don't want to meet".

He looked confused and eventually wandered off.