I'm a very private person because my life is not normal

[456543e]

I recently started a new job and I'm finding it hard because so many questions my colleagues will ask to get to know me are things that are quite sensitive and I am private about.

I'm only in my early 20s so people often ask what my parents do/whether they are also in the same field as me. Both parents have had long periods of unemployment due to poor mental health, one is currently working now though but the other is unemployed. They also ask about my sisters - one is unemployed with poor mental health and the other has severe social anxiety and won't leave the house.

I grew up poor and very sheltered. I've never been abroad before. There are lots of conversation topics I have no idea about or can't contribute to. I only recently graduated from university so I often get comments about how university was the best days of their lives and they recount happy memories, but my time at university I lived at home and kept myself to myself as I had responsibilities at home and a lot to deal with in my home life.

I don't know how to approach these questions. I don't want to lie but at the same time I know my answers would lead to more questions about things that are way too sensitive/private to speak about at work. I often give a vague answer but that makes me seem rude and distant and like I'm trying to avoid talking to them.

What would you do in my shoes when these kind of conversation topics arise?

Also to add I'm not ashamed about any of this, it's just I'm a very private person.

I understand you, I had this in my early 20s too and I felt very very insecure about my family etc etc. I became quite good at just keeping it simple and I’ve always been able to quickly re-direct the conversation back to the person asking. I think you will learn how to navigate this with practice but I understand how uncomfortable it is for you right now.

I am now 34 and still have these insecurities and get panicky when certain topics about my life are bought up, depending on whose asking, but I am also more comfortable with disassociating myself from that because you are not your family. This comes with life experience though. I very much kept to myself when I was young whereas since then I have experienced holidays and other things which I think are quite unique and I get to talk about that.

Ask a question by a question so you are never actually answering a question?

Are your parents in the same field as you? Oh no they aren’t interested in this field, what about you, are your family in the same business?

I’d do the same as @IncredibleMatt. I care for two children with Sen and one has severe learning difficulties and it’s difficult when people bring up children as our experiences are different and it’s hard at home. So I’ll mention the kids but quickly move on. You’re not obligated to talk about things you find uncomfortable. I find diverting to something else usually works.

Yes, maybe deflecting question back to other person as @IncredibleMatt suggests - people will be flattered to be asked and it sort of covers up you not giving much of an answer, and avoids you seeming antisocial.

Ditto... I never lied but I “marketed” things very nicely.

So eg we were dirt poor. I’d say “oh we holidayed in Wales” (if we’d been once), or went to a bad school but just said “everyone worked really hard”, or parents “they mostly did x” (when they did x once but unemployed).

Takes practice but just makes things easier. Plus you can always just say you’re shy and quite private :)

To add... people think I’m really nice and chatty because I’m good like PP at asking others questions! I am genuinely interested but also deflects from me

I can relate to this, I think being vague is the best strategy. If pushed/asked directly you can say that a family member isn’t working due to “complex health problems” and people are very unlikely to ask you to go into detail. It also helps me to remember that colleagues are just being polite/making small talk to fill the silences in the break room and I doubt they care much/scrutinise/even remember what you say. It’s easy to overthink and assume they are judging you and your family but I bet they don’t give the conversation a second thought- how much do you dwell on information colleagues have told you about their families? Also maybe try and start more conversations about general topics-covid, work, ask them about their career. Often people start asking about your family, not cause they’re interested, but just to have something to talk about in what would otherwise be an awkward silence. So if you initiate a different conversation they won’t get a chance to ask.

Agree with PPs.

If you want to keep things private that's totally up to you of course. But if you're keeping things private because you're embarrassed then it might be a good idea to work on this.

I say this because I have a similar background to you and I kept it very hidden and avoided/dreaded certain questions.

Now I'm very matter of fact. My past is my past. My life is my life. There's nothing to be ashamed about, especially when it comes to mental health.

No advice on how to steer conversations, but just wanted to say congratulations on your new job! If you work for a large company it’s worth seeking out mentoring schemes or cater support networks. Most large companies I’ve worked for are really keen to support the bright talent that have worked hard to get their - like you!

I also ask about the person and bat a question back. They are usually delighted to talk about themselves. That book "how to win friends and influence people" says most people love chatting about themselves and rarely get an opportunity.

I was recently speaking to someone who had the same issue with you in the past. She had a very disruptive upbringing to say the least and when conversations like that came up at work, she kept building a wall around her.

Unfortunately people would pick up on that which meant that her relationships at work was not great. She has done a lot of personal development work as part of her training and the one thing that helped her was to understand that people don't necessarily need detail, they just need authenticity and to feel that you're being genuine. You don't have to share every bit of detail but work on what you're comfortable to share and share it.

She said now she's much better at building relationship in the workplace and setting boundaries in a nice way.

It’s also worth thinking about common ground with employees, especially if it’s the kind of chat while the kettle boils. Tv being the big unifier steer the convo in that way. “Any holidays book?” “No, after watching The Durrels I want to go to 1930’s Corfu and don’t think anything will match up.” It’s not riveting chat but builds a relationship and means you can avoid lying.

yes they say small talk is amongst the most challenging of communication.
it's hard when what for others is a trivial/polite question is for you a really sensitive issue. agree getting some glib explanations such as "no we didn't really have many family holidays actually, we did some day trips though"

or 'my parents chopped and changed jobs a bit". you're just starting out op so it's hard to judge conversations and how much to "give" but you know you have nothing to be ashamed of dont you? you probably have lots more experience and grit than people who've had it a bit easier.

think of your strengths that they may find interesting and major on those if you want to be accepted in a group, if it means that much to you.
then later hopefully when you've worked out who you can trust amd who you really value as a friend, you may feel able to open up more.

answering a question with a question is good idea as PP suggested- or frankly, lying.
short lies that require no embellishment

Did you have loads of nights out at Uni ?
Yes
Do you like going on holiday ?
Yes
Where's the best place you've been?
I love British holidays

Hi OP,
I think you could quite easily say your parent/s are retired and then is asked what they used to do if they ever did anything e.g. worked in a factory just say they mostly worked in factories/stay at home parent etc. Obviously the parent that is working you can just say what they do.

With your sisters you could say that they are deciding what to do if you like e.g. whether to study/travel etc. Even if they are not. At the moment Corona has meant a lot of young people are at home doing nothing even if they would like to be working or travelling. If asked about your sisters you could also use words like "homebirds", introverted/ happy to just stop at home - if you want to talk about them but feel talking about mental health is a bit heavy.

Answering a question with a question is good, as pp's upthread suggest.

"What did you do at the weekend?"

"Oh not much, weather was nice though - how about you?"

Just do what you said you are doing just short answers with smile in your face, you don't have to tell people everything about your life. I find it good to be a good listener in this way they will talk just about themselves they wouldn't bother to know much about you.

Do you still live at home? I'm worried your life is going to be restricted because of your family. Do you feel that?

My background wasn't great but I don't bother to dress it up anymore.
I went to dreadful school, so what, I wasn't given any choice in the matter.
Both my parents have mental health issues but again I didn't choose that.
We didn't go on holidays as a kid but as an adult I started thinking about where I wanted to go.

You don't have to give out a lot of personal information in social chit chat but being honest about you do talk about I'd I think easier in the long run.

I would take a different approach. I was similar to you when I was younger - very private/shy about my home life, although for reasons not quite as severe. And I actually think it put a lot of people off because the insecurity came across and/or I came across as shifty in a way or certainly not authentic.

I think changing the topic or giving vague answers will do the same and instead you should tell the truth - just don't go into a lot of detail.

If they ask what your parents do (weird this would come up in an office tho, don't think I've ever been asked this) you can say the industries they are/were in e.g. my mum is in admin or my mum is a cleaner and my dad used to work in retail. They'Il probably just assume he's retired anyway. Definitely no need to get into mental health.

As for your siblings, you can say "my sister works in education" and "my other sibling is taking a career break due to health issues". Again, a clear answer rooted in truth but you don't need to get into it. If someone were nosy enough to ask "what health issues" you can just say "she prefers if I don't discuss them publicly" or something. They would be massively rude to ask though.

Oh yes, that was the other thin - if you couldn't afford holidays just be open about it. If anything posh celebs are always trying to downplay how rich they are and make out they're working class. People love authentically working class/poor people. If you act as though it doesn't bother you no one will make a big thing about it.

I have a similar background and I have found it very freeing (and less awkward for other people, not that that’s my priority) say a simplified version of the truth. So in your case when asked about holidays abroad you could say “I’ve never been abroad because my parents weren’t well enough when I was growing up, and I’ve been saving my money towards a house deposit/education but I’m looking forward to going aboard. Where would you recommend as a first holiday abroad?”

I suspect that like past me, you are feeling shame about your background and the first step toward ridding yourself of that is to get the truth out there - appropriately, of course. Your family, your life, your circumstances are NOTHING to be ashamed of, in fact you are to be commended for achieving so much despite barriers other people haven’t faced. A large number of people will recognise and respect that but it has to start with you recognising it and respecting yourself.

I'm similar in that I don't work due to bipolar so conversations can be difficult. Used to lie and invent a job in case people judged and didn't want to know me. I suppose I do mention it earlier now I'm older (44) as I'm less bothered. If people are going to be judgemental they're going to be judgemental and they're no loss anyway.

I would keep quiet about stuff like that until you make friends with someone rather than acquaintances/colleagues.

But of course what your family are like doesn't reflect on you at all. Well done for doing so well in your career. x

@IncredibleMatt

Ask a question by a question so you are never actually answering a question?

Are your parents in the same field as you? Oh no they aren’t interested in this field, what about you, are your family in the same business?

I do this. I doubt most of my colleagues could tell you much about me, but I could tell you loads of stuff about them.

People like to talk about themselves generally, if you are uncomfortable with a conversation just turn it around.

Are your parents in the same field?
No they aren’t? What about yours? Do you think your kids will do the same as you etc etc.

People will generally bang on about their kids for hours given any opportunity.