I'm a very private person because my life is not normal

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I recently started a new job and I'm finding it hard because so many questions my colleagues will ask to get to know me are things that are quite sensitive and I am private about.

I'm only in my early 20s so people often ask what my parents do/whether they are also in the same field as me. Both parents have had long periods of unemployment due to poor mental health, one is currently working now though but the other is unemployed. They also ask about my sisters - one is unemployed with poor mental health and the other has severe social anxiety and won't leave the house.

I grew up poor and very sheltered. I've never been abroad before. There are lots of conversation topics I have no idea about or can't contribute to. I only recently graduated from university so I often get comments about how university was the best days of their lives and they recount happy memories, but my time at university I lived at home and kept myself to myself as I had responsibilities at home and a lot to deal with in my home life.

I don't know how to approach these questions. I don't want to lie but at the same time I know my answers would lead to more questions about things that are way too sensitive/private to speak about at work. I often give a vague answer but that makes me seem rude and distant and like I'm trying to avoid talking to them.

What would you do in my shoes when these kind of conversation topics arise?

Also to add I'm not ashamed about any of this, it's just I'm a very private person.

I have a similar situation in that I had a very difficult family life growing up - but different in that I was also privileged in ways like private school and nice holidays.

When people ask about my parents, I just answer about my mum and leave my dad out. If people ask more directly about him, I give a vague answer like he wasn't around much and I've lost touch or I say 'Oh it is all quite difficult but I don't see him'.

Over time things shift as you perhaps meet someone, forge new groups of friends or experience more, live in different places. Similarly, right now (covid makes this hard) think about what defines you - a hobby, your flat or wherever you live, friends or even just your TV choices and fill conversations with this info so people feel you are not a mystery. Then you'll find you feel comfortable talking about those people and things and people will get to know you and associate you with those things.

Pick out the things you feel proud of or able to talk about and use them, just leave the rest. It is your old business that you have put in a box and can move on from.

I agree that you have nothing to be ashamed of and that other people aren't massively interested anyway, the advice from TheProvincialLady is absolutely spot on.

In many circumstances you can say 'I'd feel awkward discussing that, its a very long story, but I'd love to know if you have ever [done that thing] and what would you advice be?

Well done on your job! You’ve done brilliantly to move your life forward when your home life has restricted your earlier years.

I think you’ll gradually find it easier to do the whole lighthearted reply, asking them about themselves etc.

I think now more than ever people are talking about Netflix series etc so it’s a safe option for small talk if you can steer the office chit chat that way.

I’m glad you aren’t ashamed, but equally understand you don’t want to talk about stuff like that especially when you’re new 💐

Firstly well done getting an education and a job from what is a clearly challenging environment.
Please don’t allow this to hold you back though.

What do your parents do ? Oh they are retired.

What did they do? Oh mum stayed at home
Dad did lots of different jobs.

Any further probing questions are rude and should be met with a smile and ‘and what about you’

Well done on managing your university career, and a new job, while having care responsibilities at home.

If I were you, I'd use all the advice above about deflecting, but also have a brief 'explanation' of your circumstances that you are happy to share and feels authentic to you.

So for example
'I went to Uni locally as I am a carer for a family member.'
'My parents have disabilities, so we haven't holidayed much.'
'Yes, my sisters are in poor health, too'.
'It's a bit complicated, to be honest'
'I love coming to work, it's great to be able to focus on my career.'

The thing is, you don't have anything to be embarrassed about- you have a huge amount of determination, work ethic, and responsibility.

You have every reason to be proud of yourself and your circumstances. Just find ways to express that which work for you.

I agree with Fightingthefoo.

If it helps, remember that the person asking doesn't really care about your answers (I mean that in a nice way)- they're not really interested in what your parents do or what you did at the weekend or whatever, they're just chatting to try to make you feel welcome. So any old vague answer will do. I would try to avoid lying though as you then have to keep track of what you've said.

The Thing is are any of us normal ?
I'm sure most of us have stuff we would rather keep private.
Be proud of yourself, you've had a lot going on regarding earlier childhood etc.
When l was similar age to you l started a new job where most of other staff had had private education. They talked differgently to me, they dressed at different stores and their lives outside of work was a million miles away from mine. I felt such a fish out of water.
I am quiet and private anyway, but found it very difficult at times to join in the conversations etc. But as time went by, we did bond a bit better and slowly l realised that we were all fighting our own private battles, one way or another. It took a while for me to feel comfortable and open up a bit more, but a few years later when l left to go off on maternity leave l apparently had the biggest collection ever, and had to change the venue for my leaving lunch as so many wanted to attend. I was so touched.
So keep going, don't change, just keep being you and don't worry 're being judged. You sound a mudslinging person and often what can seem such a big deal to you is totally irrelevant to others.

The world is small, I’m going against the grain and suggest brutal honesty and full up truth.
Because someone will know someone who knows something.

Question with a question is usually the best strategy.

Try not to isolate yourself too much though, they are likely only trying to be nice and welcoming.

Good luck in your job.

I understand you. I left home at 17, NC with all family, married at 20 to an older man so not a very common early adult life. When asked about my parents I'd say they were retired. That cuts things short quite quickly and usually people don't ask more questions past that.

When I first started working and had no real life experience I'd simply say I wasn't interested in going abroad, going out with friends, etc. I'd just say it wasn't my kind of thing. You can give a vague answer that ends the questioning and they won't think you're rude, just quiet or not chatty.

Stay vague, make realistic lies so you remember them, and don't fret.
One of your parents is xyz, the other is a house wife/husband.

People from wealthy background have to lie a lot too: otherwise they are seen as bragging, pretentious, and there's a lot of jealousy and resentment. Always play everything down, especially at work.

Not every student has the best time at uni, it's fine to study and work to pay for your studies so have no time.

Unless they feel threaten or jealous, other people never care as much about you as you think they do! it's just polite chit chat.

@Ineedaneasteregg

My background wasn't great but I don't bother to dress it up anymore. I went to dreadful school, so what, I wasn't given any choice in the matter. Both my parents have mental health issues but again I didn't choose that. We didn't go on holidays as a kid but as an adult I started thinking about where I wanted to go.

You don't have to give out a lot of personal information in social chit chat but being honest about you do talk about I'd I think easier in the long run.

I was thinking along the same lines as Ineedaneasteregg, your family's problems are not your responsibility, you didn't choose the life you had growing up. You don't need to talk about it but you don't need to feel ashamed either. It wasn't your fault and you couldn't change it. Also, we tend to think everyone else had a normal family experience bar ourselves, but that's never the case in reality and people's experiences can be extremely variable.

I would respond to any question I didn't want to answer in a non-committal way and deflect it back as a question to the colleague who asked. You could also expand on questions about holidays by saying where you'd really love to go, and then "Is there somewhere you've got planned to visit?"

I'm not sure I've ever been asked what my parents or siblings do/did for a living.
I've mentioned it in conversation when relevant. If I was asked then I might answer with df's firm (very large global employer), but wouldn't go more than the general industry for dm-no one would have heard of hers anyway. I wouldn't generally go more than general industry for dh unless someone asked further, which has occasionally happened, but generally in the context of they saw him cycling, or they're in the same industry.

I would just go for generic minimal answers if you feel people are judging. They're probably not interested and making small talk, but a quick "oh they did a lot of different things but no, not in my field how about your parents?" will move swiftly on.

@fallfallfall

The world is small, I’m going against the grain and suggest brutal honesty and full up truth. Because someone will know someone who knows something.

why? No one really cares.

No one at work needs to know your real background and circumstances.
Unless you have a lot of friends in common, or really mix in the same circles, no need.

I agree with @picklemewalnuts - practise some stock responses and trot them out when asked.

But what kind of job are you in where people are quizzing you on what your parents and siblings do? Very odd.

It's also a good idea to deflect the conversation: 'oh yes, uni was great, but I had caring responsibilities. I'm really enjoying working. How about you? Where did you go to uni?'

Congrats on your job!

Well done on your job!

As PP have suggested, it’s a good idea to practice a few “stock answers” that you can use and then ask another question to move the focus back to the person you’re chatting with.

People can be a bit insensitive and assume that everyone has had the same experiences as them growing up - I had a bit of a shit time at uni and as you say it’s difficult when everyone else is swopping anecdotes! Maybe there was a particular course or an inspiring lecturer you remember? “Oh, the night life wasn’t much but the classes on Beowulf were brilliant”

@whetherpigshavewings

Stay vague, make realistic lies so you remember them, and don't fret. One of your parents is xyz, the other is a house wife/husband.

People from wealthy background have to lie a lot too: otherwise they are seen as bragging, pretentious, and there's a lot of jealousy and resentment. Always play everything down, especially at work.

Not every student has the best time at uni, it's fine to study and work to pay for your studies so have no time.

Unless they feel threaten or jealous, other people never care as much about you as you think they do! it's just polite chit chat.

Yep, vague realistic lies are the best.

Don't bother trying to "make a statement". Honestly no one cares. Also, go on holiday as soon as lockdown ends. Do stuff so you have stuff to talk about.

Get some hobbies!

I think the key to avoiding awkwardness is to make it totally obvious what the other person should say next. So if you said, for instance, 'Oh, my mum' s retired' you don't then leave a blank space, you make sure to say something like 'What about your parents?' or 'Alright for some isn't it!' or 'Quite fancy retiring myself some days' or similar to put the other person on familiar territory. It just helps oil the wheels of socialising and takes the pressure off the conversation.

GreyGiraffe has really good advice.

You know what, some people actually want to get to know you a bit. Things like what football team someone supports, or where you like to go for a day out, what you enjoy eating or what you like to watch on TV are great conversation fillers.

I disagree that you should be completely vague and mysterious. There's something odd about people that do that. I think it's fine to say 'Oh, my parents don't keep in good health', or 'for various reasons my parents had it really tough financially when I was a kid', or 'well, I still live with my folks but looking at places to buy / rent', or 'just had a really quiet weekend actually watched X on Netflix'. It does add to you as a rounded person.

Also try to avoid making the generational gap between you and older colleagues really obvious. No-one wants to think that they are old enough to be your parent even if they are!!

I was very much in your position at one point. Everyone around me was talking about their kitchen extensions and skiing holidays and kids at private school / uni. I found it excruciating!

I work in building relationships (diplomacy) and asking a question back often works well because people love talking about themselves.

There can come a point though where people realise they're not getting much disclosure from you. There's this thing called reciprocal disclosure - if you share something, people feel they should share something back, and so it goes, the relationship getting closer. At some point if you don't share anything about your life people may struggle to feel a connection to you. If you want to keep some parts of your life private I would have a think about what things you would be comfortable sharing (hobbies, interests, TV shows you watch, books you read etc), and then sort of box off the other things you don't want to share. Then you can perhaps sometimes lead conversations by saying, say, "I've read this book... this is why I like it, what are your favourite authors...' Then the other people will feel like you do share, but the content will be carefully controlled by you.

But in the long run, you will probably feel happier if you can be your true self at work, so maybe develop a few standard responses to the kinds of questions that come up frequently, so that you're not panicking trying to respond on the spot. And then turn the question to the other person. You don't need to go into detail about your history if you don't know someone well. As a pp said, something like:
"Where did you usually go on holiday?"
"Oh we didn't really go on holiday much as a child. I'd love to go to X country though, have you been? If you could go anywhere in the world post Covid, where would it be?

I can remember asking a colleague 'oh what does your mum do'. She was clearly uncomfortable when she told me her mum was a cleaner. One of my oldest and best friends is a cleaner and there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. I felt bad for her though and realised asking these questions is a bit crass. The reception it gets is more a reflection on them though, not you.

For holidays 'My parents weren't keen on going away, but I've always liked the sound of...' [person then goes on at length about how marvellous x is or how they wouldn't go to y again] or outright deflection 'where did you go on holiday as a child?' 'I'm thinking about booking something in October. Where would you recommend?'.

It get easier with age. I'm happy to say 'well, there was a week in a caravan in the Cotswolds - it poured down from the moment we got until half an hour before we left and most of my time was spent trying to avoid being beaten up by a bunch of angry swans nesting about six foot from the door' or

'My mother didn't really like travelling. I loved going pony trekking over x when I had my first ever holiday as an adult, though' - which normally gets a mixture of hellish weather on holidays, experiences with irate animals or a long conversation about horses and other animals.

It's not being shamed of your origins, it's them trying to find common ground and be friendly, mostly. Just divert them to something that's more comfortable or interesting to you; and you might get some really good advice for a holiday of your own that way!

There's some good advice on here. Would also say, asking people about their interests also helps keep the conversation light. "Oh you run? Do you compete?" "You like Downton Abbey? Have you watched Bridgerton?"

Congratulations on getting your degree and your new job. You obviously have determination and resilience to succeed. So you should be quietly confident that you have a stronger starting base than many who may seem more conventially privileged.

As many othe responders have said you will probably find your colleagues are only interested in general chit-chat and actually do not want personal details. If they do ask yourself why would they?

Turning a question back is a good technique, if about your family just mention the job of the parent who works then ask about the partner/family of the questioner. If pressed just say your younger sisters are looking for work even if they are not - it's nobody's business. You don't have to tell the truth and nothing but the truth to a bunch of strangers.

It's always a good thing to remember that if someone gossips to you they will gossip about you and act accordingly.

I disagree that you should be completely vague and mysterious. There's something odd about people that do that.

you don't have to be "mysterious".
Just vague enough. You can be very honest about your favourite tv program, your current books, wanting to join xyz club or start a hobby that you never got round to but will soon, wanting to visit x country that you never had a chance to visit yet.

No need to give away any personal info, but it's easy to make small talk. Work is the worst place to disclose things too private!