I'm a very private person because my life is not normal

[456543e]

I recently started a new job and I'm finding it hard because so many questions my colleagues will ask to get to know me are things that are quite sensitive and I am private about.

I'm only in my early 20s so people often ask what my parents do/whether they are also in the same field as me. Both parents have had long periods of unemployment due to poor mental health, one is currently working now though but the other is unemployed. They also ask about my sisters - one is unemployed with poor mental health and the other has severe social anxiety and won't leave the house.

I grew up poor and very sheltered. I've never been abroad before. There are lots of conversation topics I have no idea about or can't contribute to. I only recently graduated from university so I often get comments about how university was the best days of their lives and they recount happy memories, but my time at university I lived at home and kept myself to myself as I had responsibilities at home and a lot to deal with in my home life.

I don't know how to approach these questions. I don't want to lie but at the same time I know my answers would lead to more questions about things that are way too sensitive/private to speak about at work. I often give a vague answer but that makes me seem rude and distant and like I'm trying to avoid talking to them.

What would you do in my shoes when these kind of conversation topics arise?

Also to add I'm not ashamed about any of this, it's just I'm a very private person.

There’s so many things that people don’t know about me or my family. They don’t know my sibling has mental health problems which has caused them to drop out of uni a few times. We just pretended they were still going, and got them to hide upstairs if anyone visited the house. There’s so many things people would be shocked to find out.
I’m pretty sure my friends dad doesn’t work . Although she pretends he does. But I’ll never ask her. Some things are private. I would just make up lies. Most people will never find out. My mum quit work due to my siblings mental health. She still has friends and family that believes she’s still going to work.

I can’t imagine asking any of my colleagues anything about their parents

I think its easy as pp said, to think everyone else has a shiny, normal background, but in reality a lot of people have difficulties of one kind or other.
And unless people are real oversharers , there are things that are off limits. Eg one colleague talked about most things but her divorce was off-limits.

I'm very private as well and say very little to anyone except my close friends. My neighbours didn't know my job. I don't want people knowing even though I've made a success of my life from the ground up.

Answer a question with a question which will deflect it. So "what do your parents do?" "They are retired" or "office roles" and "what do your parents do?".

Smile and nod, say something positive and not very personal and ask them another question.

"No, I was the first in my family to go to uni? What about you"

Or just "No" with a smile and shake of the head then ask about their kids/pets/ weekend/anything.

I'd try and find a telly show or something similarly neutral that other people in the office also like, so you've got something you can chime in on and feel confident / comfortable.

Are there hobbies that you’d like to try outside work? They don’t need to be the same as what colleagues do but as well as hopefully making life feel a bit more fulfilled (I know how hard that is when you’ve had a life of caring responsibility etc) it’ll just be “something” about you as well. We all knew who the knitters were, the bakers (especially when someone had a birthday :o), the keen walkers... it didn’t matter that people didn’t share the hobbies at all it was just something to chat politely about over staff room coffee. Lots of talk about tv and books too. It’s harder now of course but you could always think about what you’d like to do when everything opens up again - doesn’t really matter if you’re not super keen in reality. Oh I’ve been thinking about finding a choir/book group/running club or name a few bands/artists/plays you’d love to see, landmarks you’d love to visit, yoga classes... the imaginary world’s your oyster right now :o

You’ll get there - sounds like this new job has been a big change and you’re finding out who you really are beyond being a carer for your family. 💐

I don't even tell people what I do at work
Most people don't, or stay very vague.

Work in finance, in sales, in IT.

@tenlittlecygnets

I agree with *@picklemewalnuts* - practise some stock responses and trot them out when asked.

But what kind of job are you in where people are quizzing you on what your parents and siblings do? Very odd.

It's also a good idea to deflect the conversation: 'oh yes, uni was great, but I had caring responsibilities. I'm really enjoying working. How about you? Where did you go to uni?'

Congrats on your job!

I think it’s quite common for older colleagues to ask these kind of questions about parents etc of young graduates, especially if they live at home. I think it’s a bit patronising-they wouldn’t ask a new older colleague about parents or siblings and it’s reminds me of how adults talk to children. Especially if the OP is quite quiet, I imagine older colleagues would ask about family just to fill silences. I’ve seen an older colleague grilling a shy intern with questions like “what school did you go to” “what do mum and dad do”-I think she was trying to make her feel more comfortable but I thought it was a bit patronising and odd.

Ahh I don't know why but your responses have made me cry! I didn't realise how much it has been affecting me. My job is one there is lots of downtime whilst you wait for things to processed/be approved so we end up getting through lots of conversation topics as we wait so that's why questions like what do you parents do come up.

I like the idea of having a stock answer at the ready, that will be really helpful.

I'm also grateful that a lot of you pointed out that it's important that I still allow others to get to know me through sharing the aspects of myself/my life that I am comfortable with so that I'm not completely closed off and private.

Thank you all for your replies and for the well wishes on my new job.

I was you about 20 years ago and I've since encountered many other us's.

Keep a good sense of humour. As other posters have said, reverse the questions.

You will be fine.

so people often ask what my parents do/whether they are also in the same field as me.

no, they are not, I just got really interested since I saw/read/met... it was the natural progression after studying ...

They are just being polite. Why are you in your current field? (it's fine to lie, most people only work to earn money and fell into their role but no one admits it!)

Great advice on this thread. Other good ways to be chatty without giving info away is to ask advice about something neutral- gardening, recipes that kind of thing. So you say "I'm trying to get into cooking, what's your best easy dinner?' etc then you start to build an identity at work unrelated to bits of your life you want to keep private. People will get to know you as 'Sally who's into baking' or whatever and then you go forward as this new person..it takes a bit of artifice to begin with but it helps other people feel comfortable with you, which will help you feel comfortable with them. And eventually you might get a really good friend at work who you can confide more things to.

there's a reason why people are known to be "obsessed" with being vegan/ doing triathlon/ shopping/ watching love island/ having a dog.

Easy conversation topics without revealing anything!

Congrats on you new job! Agree with pp, reverse the questions, have some stock answers - often people just want to make conversation and don't realise that people don't have the same experiences as them and might find their questions awkward.

I don't like talking about my background because ppl think it's very, very weird (learned this the hard way!) I tend to start conversations (so I control the topic!) about what TV I'm watching, or podcasts I listened too, even just what I saw on the news - stuff everyone can talk about.

One of my team was an expert in making friendly chat and having great relationships with people in the office without revealing much about herself - she took interest in others, and stuck to things like the topics I mentioned above. It can be done!

Congratulations on your degree and the job OP. There has been so much great advice on here that I wish I could have been given when I was young.

Sometimes I just love Mumsnet.

A lot of these sort of questions are just small talk. People aren’t looking for detail in the answers and a blasé answer based on the truth

I.e no they aren’t in this sort of field and a bat back question

If you clam up or are a little tense over your answers then people will pick up on it and then they want to know details about why you are making a big deal over a passing question

Social chitchat at work is very superficial. When your hairdresser asks " did you go /do anywhere interesting? " they don't care, or even listen to the answer. Your work colleagues are just making shallow office conversation, they don't care about your life or have any interest in your family.

 My relatives could fill a social work textbook. I learned very early on that the way to silence any unwanted persistent questions   is to look them in the eye. hold eye contact  and  state the simple truth in a calm unembarrassed voice and as few  words as possible. " He's an alcoholic.  She is in prison.  It's terminal cancer."  IME the vast majority of casual contacts hurriedly start talking about something completely different.

Yes, years ago there were three topics best avoided in conversation: sex, religion and politics. Nowadays maybe add veganism, lockdown conspiracy theories and trans rights; because although you might well have balanced views, or indeed couldn't care less, somebody will take a topic and really get on their high horse about it.

Well done on job and colleagues sound like they are trying to be nice and include you.
Even without your difficult childhood someone 20 v someone 40 will have done a lot less so your colleagues won't think it's odd.
Practise a few answers. Agree asking a question back helps.
So holidays - just say oh i've never been but would like to etc.
Smile. If there is stuff you can chit chat on - tv, cakes whatever join in.

I’m a private person too, not because of anything ashamed of, I just don’t like being an open book. I don’t see why people should decide they have some god given entitlement to know all about me. That’s my choice. I tend to just not go into too much detail about anything, and not give them too much they can ask deeper questions about. I live next door to the biggest interfering busybody in my street and trying to stop her trying to wedge herself into my life is a challenge!!! People at work, we talk about food, films, tele and that kind of thing which is easier.

nellie 💐

OP if you don’t feel you have much to say in terms of experience you could always turn it round to ask them what they’d recommend for you eg “oh I’ve not really taken the time for hobbies yet, I was just so caught up in uni, not sure what I’d like really, any ideas?” Same without TV shows etc

With* 🤦🏽‍♀️

Maybe certain types of jobs it's more normal to ask re family. In law lots of people are from legal background.
Are there any mentor type schemes where you work OP? That might be a positive thing for you.

I agree with lots of what has been suggested. I am in the camp of trusting your instincts about not over-sharing but also don't deprive yourself of the opportunity to receive support especially if this is a job you can see yourself staying in and you like your colleagues. Alot of us meet and have the most enriching friendships through work. Maybe figure out what you are comfortable with sharing but keep the main talk about how it has positioned you as a person. So when asked about your parents - 'well actually they both have had long term ill health so it hasn't been easy in some ways for me, although I did get to go to University I stayed at home as I was needed. Siblings? yes I do have some but to be honest they were affected by ill health in the family and have had challenges. My family don't like me to talk about their circumstances too much which I respect - but for me, yes it has been quite a different route to some of my friends. Anyway I am really enjoying this job opportunity - what sort of family support did you have?

I would also echo the congratulations to you in finding a way through despite the challenges you have faced. How amazing.