I'm a very private person because my life is not normal

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I recently started a new job and I'm finding it hard because so many questions my colleagues will ask to get to know me are things that are quite sensitive and I am private about.

I'm only in my early 20s so people often ask what my parents do/whether they are also in the same field as me. Both parents have had long periods of unemployment due to poor mental health, one is currently working now though but the other is unemployed. They also ask about my sisters - one is unemployed with poor mental health and the other has severe social anxiety and won't leave the house.

I grew up poor and very sheltered. I've never been abroad before. There are lots of conversation topics I have no idea about or can't contribute to. I only recently graduated from university so I often get comments about how university was the best days of their lives and they recount happy memories, but my time at university I lived at home and kept myself to myself as I had responsibilities at home and a lot to deal with in my home life.

I don't know how to approach these questions. I don't want to lie but at the same time I know my answers would lead to more questions about things that are way too sensitive/private to speak about at work. I often give a vague answer but that makes me seem rude and distant and like I'm trying to avoid talking to them.

What would you do in my shoes when these kind of conversation topics arise?

Also to add I'm not ashamed about any of this, it's just I'm a very private person.

It depends on where you work, the sort of work you do - because in the professional/graduate environments I have worked in, people knew a lot about each other, and people could be trusted with information, and it was a fun, humourous, supportive environment Most people have unusual or difficult things in their past. And there were tipsy nights out where what was said in the pub stayed in the pub. But there are always one or two people who you need to be more careful with and it takes a bit of time to work out how to judge it because there will be some things you will want to keep private. Most of my colleagues I knew a lot about and could be trusted with the info and vice versa.

In other environments I have worked in - mostly before I graduated - colleagues were less trustworthy and hell would have frozen over before i gave any information at all about myself!

Other people's mental health, physical health etc is not your information to share, that's the first thing.

You don't actually have to answer people's questions, that's the second thing.

Dad works/worked in X, how about yours?
mum did y or z, how about yours?

If your sisters are younger than you then - I'm the oldest, they're still figuring out what they want out of life. What about you? Do you have siblings?

Basically, answer questions briefly then move the focus onto them.

Quite a few people I know lived at home during uni and friends kids are doing the same. It’s not as weird as you think it is at all. Just say that you lived at home, honestly people won’t judge you.

2bazookas gave a very interesting advice but I would refrain from using it on your colleagues, save it for someone extremely nosy!
I agree that you need to give people some information about yourself but not too much. And the main thing is to remember what you’ve told so it’s better to tell the truth just not the full truth.

I think having some topics you are happy to chat about is important, whatever they may be, sports, books, tv, cooking, travel etc.
I would be very wary of being the person who turns everything back into a question though especially if you're not forthcoming with any answers yourself.That can come across very odd and I don't think people 'get away' with it quite as much as they think they do.

I find it very intrusive myself and I note very quickly people who do it. It smacks of being nosey about other people's lives even if all you're doing is deflecting.

Read newspapers / books so you have topical but neutral things to talk about and sometimes initiate the conversation first so you're not always on the backfoot.

I have been working for close to 30 years and can't ever remember being asked outright what my parents or siblings do for a living..

Ask people for advice on simple things - where's the best place to get coffee locally, where's a nice restaurant, are there any great walks in the area if you are in a new part of town in your work etc

and congratulations on your degree and your job - you should be really proud of yourself!

I don’t really like talking about myself to people I don’t know well. I have perfected the art of asking questions. I find the vast majority of people have no interest in others. They love to talk about themselves though. I can honestly say I’ve never been asked what my parents did or where I went on holiday as a child or anything about University. Ever. I think the suggestions and comments already made are very helpful.

I hear you. I grew up with parents who didn’t work because of disability and my ‘posh’ accent hides a lot of my background. I either choose to smile and nod, or agree with vague statements, or depending on my mood and my audience (and the level of trust) own my background. IMO, as a professional with a doctorate it only adds to my success story to have come so far without any help. But I’m older than you and I think I’ve grown into that mindset. At university I really hid my home life from a lot of people.

I used to feel a bit like this at secondary school when people asked what I got for my birthday, or what I did at the weekend. I used to lie by embellishing the truth. Now I'm not ashamed to tell people how things really are. It's refreshing to be different after all. No decent person will judge you. By speaking freely it opens up possibilities and gives people the chance to connect with you on some level. Nobody has had a perfect time growing up.

My mother was pretty much housebound due to ill-health for almost 25 years.
I just said she had long-term health problems which meant she could not work and couldn't get around much. I don't think anyone ever asked what it was. If I'd said what it was then people might have continued asking about it or sharing stories about people they knew with the same thing. But as I didn't name it, it sort of stopped the conversation but I'd then quickly deflect away from it.
I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed about it - I just didn't really want to talk about it. It was a hard time for us all and it started when I was 10.

Decent people would realize fairly quickly that you don't really want to go into details and not push it. But be ready with an off-pat answer and a deflection. And start conversations yourself about other things so that it's not always the same topic.

And as for not going abroad. So what? Just be honest about it. I know people who haven't been abroad and think nothing of it. I've got cousins who have never been south of York!

I sometimes have a couple of genuine but low level questions in my head ready to help move conversations on. So it’d go:

Them: what do your parents do?

Me: They’re retired. Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask, do you happen to know when the budget report is due?

A bit draining but it works

@HollowTalk

Do you still live at home? I'm worried your life is going to be restricted because of your family. Do you feel that?

Yes I do live at home and recently I have started to have the same concerns.

I would look into maybe a flat share with another person. If you could afford your own place, even better (unless you would be lonely). Then get stuck into discovering all that the world has to offer (post lockdown)! Take your colleagues up on any offers to go for drinks. Let your hair down. Make some friends.

That’s so tricky. I hope you can find ways to gain some more freedom - is it a question of getting a rental/mortgage deposit etc to move out? Or do you feel you need to because of caring for your family? (That is 100% NOT intended to blame you if it’s the latter btw, I know it’s not that simple 💐)

@IncredibleMatt

Ask a question by a question so you are never actually answering a question?

Are your parents in the same field as you? Oh no they aren’t interested in this field, what about you, are your family in the same business?

This is exactly what I tell my dds to say. It normally cuts the questioning off immediately.