How do your evenings work if you have a small child?

[ActonBell]

I’m absolutely sick of how our evenings are and desperate for a change but I don’t know what to do.

DS is nearly 4 and goes to bed at 7.30-8, normally asleep by 8.30. He’s never been much of a sleeper.

I’m not a great cook and I’m shattered in the evenings so we have fallen into this pattern where DH cooks most of the time. He potters about in the kitchen cooking recipes that take at least an hour most nights whilst listening to podcasts. I’m in the lounge playing/being climbed on or watching endless olobob top.

DS sometimes tries our food but almost never eats with us because we eat at 7 or later and he’s hungry before then. DH or I do something quick for him earlier in the day or a cooked meal at lunch. He’s in nursery 4 days a week so just had a light meal those evenings.

I hate this arrangement. I feel so lonely, especially on the days I’ve been looking after DS (DH works at least one day each weekend). When I bring it up DH says there’s no easier way to do things. It means we spend maybe ten minutes and then another 15 at the table before I’m doing bedtime. We try to do something after DS is in bed but I feel like we have 0 family time. I also feel massively guilty that I don’t do any cooking but I am really tired - I’m just not an evening person.

The one thing I’ve thought about is me trying to do some slow cooked meals in the day. Any recommendations for where to start?

What does everyone else’s routine look like?

We have 2 a lot older than yours 6 & 9 in lockdown we all eat together. Today we ate at 6 and finished at 640. The eldest had a wash earlier and I’ve just washed the 6 year old. I cooked today while DH put the washing away and changed the bed linen.

I’m about to jump in shower and DH will read etc - generally between us we get them in bed the eldest will read for a bit til about 830 and go to sleep she needs a lot of sleep and will sleep through til 730. The 6 year old really messes around but should be asleep by 845 - she doesn’t need as much sleep will often be up 530-545 and I say to her to go back to sleep. Mostly she does until about 7.

Evenings by the time it gets to about 9 we generally get an hour or so together - sometimes longer if we decide to stay up late. DH bedtime routine takes ages he likes to tidy downstairs and then read for a bit. We normally in bed by 11.

Oh and we eat the same meals.

So today it was sea bass and veg.

Eat together, bring DS bedtime earlier when the clocks change.

Alternate cooking/bedtime routines.

I batch cook on weekends. As does DH.
Kids eat at 6. In bed by 7/7:30. Older DS who is 9 reads till 8-8:30 and then lights out.
I break up the cooking- chop up stuff when you have 10-15 mins.
Then the actual cooking of things doesn’t take too long.
Do you meal plan?
Neither DH nor I do much after the kids are in bed- we both sit down to work because we both stop work early on most days so that the kids are not in daycare for long hours and we are lucky that are jobs are semi flexible enough to allow us to do that. But in return we work for 2-3 hours, sometimes more in the evenings.

Have you a large kitchen where you could get him to scribble with crayons while the dinner is made?

The key, is what time do you eat? Do you work? Does DH work? If so, what time do you get in in the evening? Can you eat earlier than 7? Or cook in the day or night before and reheat for the evening?

We have a 3.5 year old and a 9 month old. We all eat together at 4. They both go to bed at 6 (I put baby to bed husband puts son to bed). I have a bath then we watch a show together. Husband does the dinner dishes and I do the dishes throughout the day and also from dinner prep (cleaning as I cook). I don't usually need to eat again. Husband will usually make an egg sandwich or porridge before bed. If husband is working he will just eat later but I will still eat with the kids as I'm actually hungry at that time now!

Could you eat earlier and eat with DS? We all eat together (granted we eat early) and we all eat the same meal.

TV on at 5, prep dinner, eat as a family at 5.30, then general chaos of bedtime all together.
It means we have to eat a bit earlier than we would like, so sometimes we nibble on cheese and biscuits together after the kids are down. I think the years when kids are young are hard and you need to do what you can to be together as a family and help each other when you can. In my book that means fewer nights of meals that take an hour to prep!

As PP said, eating together really helps a lot. I work full time, do childcare after nursery and cook meals so I know it's hard! I tend to meal plan and prep as much as I can the night before for the next day. I also batch cook on a Sunday and freeze everything so its like a healthy ding ding meal that only takes 15 minutes to cook if I'm doing veg or something with it. I would recommend a beef or chicken stew or even pasta bake. I've always got some frozen chicken Kiev, fish fingers and quorn chicken nuggets in the freezer when I've not got anything else.

Why don’t you let your son run about between the kitchen and the living room in the evening? I often cook while my children are playing in the kitchen or doing homework.

We have a 3 and 5 yr old, so we all same meal together at 5.30 then the kids have a quick bath and in to bed for a story and lights off at 7pm

When dh isn't working we all eat together at 430, he does bath and bedtime for DC2 whose asleep by 6/630 latest. Then we spend the evening together. Same routine when dh is at work except it's just me and I spend my evening doing what I want.

Sounds like you need to bring dinnertime and bedtime forward. Failing that you need to agree to a night or two where you cook something (and listen to podcasts or whateve it is you want to do) and DP spends the evening playing. It's amazing how long you can drag out making a pasta bake when you try.

Dinner at 4 for us all. Gets all the dishes done and out the way, then light supper later on. Easy peasy.

We eat together about 5.30 (was slightly later when we weren’t all working from home). Bath/bedtime starts about 6.15 and spreads out til 8.00 (but we have three children). Evenings afterwards.

As we are WFH we eat our main meal at lunchtimes on nursery days (DD goes 4 days), and if we are home on non nursery days we do the same.
I do bedtime while DH tidies up downstairs and we have supper when DD in bed (usually after 8 by the time she’s asleep. She has a light tea at about 4.30pm at nursery and a snack before bath.

If we don’t eat main meal at lunchtime we eat it early, before DD has bath and bed.

We eat at 6/6.30 as a family, then DS goes to bed at 7/7.30, asleep for 8pm. We then have a couple of hours to talk/read/watch TV/shag. It's pretty brill actually!

Whichever of us isn't doing bath/bed tidies up and cleans the kitchen.

Like PP's, most nights we have dinner together at 5.30 (means DD eats more varied food and we eat a bit healthier!) then we alternate bedtime/housework. We're usually in front of the TV by 8pm with wine. The only downside is that I've got into a terrible habit of eating a bowl of cereal every night (like a teenager). We eat so early that I'm always hungry again by the time I get to sit down for the evening.

On the occasions that we don't eat together as a family, our evenings are a bit shit and one of us is stuck doing the dishes at 9pm.

To answer some questions, we both work. DH has DS one week day and then works one or both weekend days, so I do most stuff with DS over the weekend.

We do meal plan but DH leads on this as he does the cooking. I went veggie about 2 years ago but will eat fish at a push. DH would eat anything.

Dh home 6.30
We eat. ( youngest normally eaten early) 3byear old eats with us and the teen.
Then I wash up. Teen dries.
DH clears table.
DH sort the 3 year old for teeth, books and bed.
Toddler plays.
I tidy play room. Dh then gets toddler bum changed and pj's of not already done. Bottle teeth and bed. By now it's 8pm

I then have a soak in Bath. Then dh gets showered. Normally 9. 30 by time he's out.
Then he makes a cuppa and a slice of cake. And I clean bathroom. And put towel. Wash on.
We then have a cuppa eat cake and watch Netflix.

Teen, toddler and 3 year old are all showered /bathed before dinner majority of the time.

We eat altogether around 6, the 3 year old gets taken up around 6.30/7 by me and is asleep by 8 (I have to lay with her) the 7 year old gets taken up around 7/7.30 for a bath and is asleep by 9 then (dd likes one of us upstairs while she falls asleep so dh usually stays up and plays on his Xbox.)

Then we come down for a cuppa and watch some shit tv before we go to bed!

I pick DD2 up from nursery between 4.30/5. I try to pre-make tea the night before so DH puts tea into the oven about 4.30 or I use the slow cooker. We normally all eat between 5 and 5.30, we like to sit and eat as a family as much a possible.

After tea it is homework and reading for DD1 while DH entertains DD2. Then about 6.45 it's bath and then bed by 7.30 at the latest for both.

We eat at 6pm as a family every night (dc is 4.5). Have done for about two years. DC eats the same as us so no messing around and cooking two different meals. He went through about a year long phase where he was awkward with what he ate but I continued to serve him the same meals as us, and just added extra stuff on the side to make sure he ate enough. He is thankfully eating much better now. We both work full time and it is difficult to get dinner on the table for 6pm. Hello Fresh and batch cooking help with this! We take it in turns to cook, or get DC involved in helping prepare dinner so we are together in the evening.

In the week, we use Gousto which has quick/minimal prep recipes, it takes all the thinking/faff out of cooking
However from what you said, I suspect your partner probably likes the cooking process given he takes an hour/listens to podcasts so that is probably his way to relax into the evening. If that’s the case, agree with him when your time is.