How do your evenings work if you have a small child?

[ActonBell]

I’m absolutely sick of how our evenings are and desperate for a change but I don’t know what to do.

DS is nearly 4 and goes to bed at 7.30-8, normally asleep by 8.30. He’s never been much of a sleeper.

I’m not a great cook and I’m shattered in the evenings so we have fallen into this pattern where DH cooks most of the time. He potters about in the kitchen cooking recipes that take at least an hour most nights whilst listening to podcasts. I’m in the lounge playing/being climbed on or watching endless olobob top.

DS sometimes tries our food but almost never eats with us because we eat at 7 or later and he’s hungry before then. DH or I do something quick for him earlier in the day or a cooked meal at lunch. He’s in nursery 4 days a week so just had a light meal those evenings.

I hate this arrangement. I feel so lonely, especially on the days I’ve been looking after DS (DH works at least one day each weekend). When I bring it up DH says there’s no easier way to do things. It means we spend maybe ten minutes and then another 15 at the table before I’m doing bedtime. We try to do something after DS is in bed but I feel like we have 0 family time. I also feel massively guilty that I don’t do any cooking but I am really tired - I’m just not an evening person.

The one thing I’ve thought about is me trying to do some slow cooked meals in the day. Any recommendations for where to start?

What does everyone else’s routine look like?

We have one DD (5), she has dinner around 5.30 then gets a bit of CBeebies while we clear up, bath and bedtime around 7. Whoever’s not doing bedtime makes dinner and cleans as they go, and we eat around 8 followed by a couple of hours of TV.

Honestly I couldn’t eat dinner early, and I find family mealtimes quite stressful; we’re trying to eat as a family a bit more at weekends, but during the week this works better for us.

So much depends on what time you (both) get in from work. I don’t get home until nearly 6:30.

We’re home done work and home by 5-5:30. Have 2 dc (8&3). They play or watch tv while I cook and Dh entertains them. We have dinner usually 6:30-7. They have lots of healthy snacks in the afternoon so they don’t get too hungry before dinner. We all eat together, only make one meal. Up to bath and then to bed by 8:30 ish. Then Dh and I usually work until we go to bed around 10 (unfortunately we don’t have simple 9-5 jobs), but some nights we read or watch a series. We have a nice dinner just the two of us on Friday and Saturday.

Our evenings really aren’t very fun because of work, but it sounds like you need to knock dinner on the head, a simple meal during the week that doesn’t take much effort. Plop your ds in front of the tv some days or let him run around outside and you and Dh catch up while an easy dinner cooks or all go outside and play together. Easy meals are things like cheesy pasta with salad and veg, pizza and salad, store bought quiche or lasagna, fresh store bought soup with crusty bread, etc.

3 kids here aged 9, 6 and 2, since DC1 we've always all eaten at 6, which is about 30 mins after all home from work/nursery/after school club.
In the week teas are very quick, so pasta, pizza, stir fry, eggs and beans, pittas, or something I made double of and froze at the weekend like Bolognese. Weekends are for pottering in the kitchen and making more elaborate meals.
After tea is completely chaotic here, DC1 is autistic and hates the demands of bedtime so his behaviour can be challenging, DC2 is generally very needy and DC3 is a typical toddler, they all wind each other up. It's a miracle to get 2 out of 3 fully washed/bathed/brushed etc.
DH and I usually collapse on the sofa about 9:30 and one of us is asleep by 10 and then is prodded to get up to bed before the toddler is up at 5am.

At that age mine ate at 4.30pm, tv and wind down in bath by 6, and then stories and asleep by 7. It was that routine for years until they were a bit older. Otherwise we never got any time. No wonder you feel knackered and fed up. They get a second wind and then it's even worse! Try and get your routine working for YOU.

2 dc. 19m and 3.5.

I work 4 days a week. They’re at nursery 3 days. And I wfh one day (Monday).

Tomorrow dh and I will eat our big meal at lunchtime so we can just have a snack with the dc when they come home from dparents. Dm feeds them dinner at 5ish then brings them home.

On nursery days they have big lunches and then sandwich type teas at nursery. We get home around 6 and then they might have a snack before bed. Bed is around 7-730 and dh and I will eat after that. But dh is wfh so messes about with slow cooker and sorts food out.

He likes to do the same. Kitchen podcast. I let him because he’s a way better cook than me!

My DS is 3 yo. My DH works long hours and is never home before 9pm (and quite frequently it's midnight or later).

Our weekday evenings go like this:

• On my working days, collect DS from nursery around 4.30/5pm when I finish work.
• Cook dinner for both of us for 5.45-6pm. DS potters around watching TV or playing with his toys while I cook.
• Up at 6.45 for bath-time, then into pyjamas.
• Read stories until around 7.30pm.
• DS into bed at 7.30pm and then he normally listens to an audiobook until he falls asleep around 8pm.
• I work until around 10pm and then go to sleep.
• Up at 5.30am the next morning to catch up with work before making breakfast and getting DS ready for nursery.

Since I'm on my own with DS most evenings, I don't cook fancy meals (he wouldn't appreciate it ). One day is scrambled eggs, one day is fish fingers and mash, one day is pizza night and the other days I might do a pasta dish, fresh fish and vegetables, a mini-roast, chilli or paella if I'm feeling inspired. It rarely gets more exciting than that.

The only time the three of us really eat together is at the weekends for brunch, for which we make quite a big effort (eggs, waffles, pancakes, breakfast pastries etc.).

We made a deal to only have quick meals in the week - batch cooking or quick healthy recipes - to make evenings smoother. Sometimes we do the prep at lunchtime too. Even if your OH is taking the lead on meal planning he needs to do meals that need minimal prep. If you all eat together and earlier it might also meal a calmer evening and earlier bedtime for the 4yo too.

@grassisjeweled

No frigging way would I let DH fanny around in the kitchen for hours. Our kids are 4 and 7, dinner is at 5.30pm for everyone, finish dinner at 6. Play outside till 7, inside, quick wash, snack, bed. Kids asleep by 7.30pm.

Yes, your DH seems to be getting the easier side of things here!

DD is 5, and we all eat together at 6. We alternate cooking dinner, and whoever isn’t doing dinner keeps DD entertained (usually just watching TV with her as she’s tired after school & after school club). Then one of us does bedtime while the other clears up downstairs/ runs the dishwasher/ has some ‘me time’.

We cook quick things during the week, and often do double the portions and freeze some for a time when we need a quick dinner.

DD needs one of us to sit with her until she goes to sleep, but she’s usually asleep by 8.30-9, so we get at least and hour or more together in the evenings.

My husband didn't get home till kids were in the bath or just in time for bedtime story. So say kids in bed at 7.30-8pm. Then downstairs for dinner - I cooked during the week something fairly quick (my husband cooked weekends) or something I had done earlier in the day. Then it would just be us.
There was no way kids could wait and eat at 7.30, and no way my husband could get home earlier. Family time was at the weekend.

One young DC who is nearly 3 and at nursery 4 days a week.

On nursery days:
-5pm ish collect DC

• DC has milk & snack & watches telly for 30 minutes. (Don’t offer a full meal as they eat at nursery)
• 6pm bath, read books
• 7pm bed

-7pm DH or I cook. We often have a slow cooker meal which was prepared in the morning, so minimal evening effort

If I’m doing an exercise class we eat after that, so 8pm

Weekends we eat together as a family at 5pm then DC had bath at 6, in bed at 7

Mine are 5 and 3.

Generally they get in about 5, DH cooks and we eat by 5.45 latest. We don’t batch cook but we do have quick dinners that are thought about in advance. Sometimes he’ll prep something the night before, a tray bake or something.

Whilst they are at after school club/nursery and get snacks etc they just get dished up a small portion of dinner. Some nights we eat when they are in bed, if we want something they definitely won’t eat, it’s all prepped before they go to bed so we eat by 7.30 latest. We love food and trying new stuff and treating ourselves etc etc but busy weekday evenings aren’t the time to be pissing about!

We then mess about playing, stories, possibly bath, in bed by 7 latest and asleep by 7.30.

We both work FT in demanding jobs so it’s important we get a bit of downtime in the evening.

We've started eating dinner earlier since we've been working from home, and it's eliminated the post-dinner rush of getting DS to bed. It's much more relaxed.

We all eat together around 5.30pm, though sometimes DH's work runs over.

Bedtime routine then starts around 6.30.

Could you all eat dinner earlier, and together?

You don't need to batch cook, just stop eating massive elaborate meals every evening and start eating together.

You're not putting DS to bed til late for his age and you're eating separately but whilst he's awake. This makes no sense. Eat with him earlier on.

You might not be a good cook but anybody can whip up these basics in 20 minutes:

A pasta dish and salad
Jacket potatoes
Fajitas
Pizza and salad
Fish and roasted veg
Stir fry
Sausage and mash

Eat together and put him to bed earlier while the other does the clearing up and you'll actually have some evening time together.

We all eat together at about five pm and D's goes to bed at 7 each night for bath time routine, story, then in bed for 8. Then it's time for all to relax/ hobbies etc. When not WFH, D's either eats at GPS or has a dinner at 6, and I will leave a portion for dp to heat up when he gets in from work. We also share doing the bedtime routine. It works well, but probably because I don't like eating late, I get too hungry and dinner at 8:30 to 9 would probably finish me off!

Our current routine is all eat together around 5:30-6 (DS is 7). DS goes to bed at 7-ish. He still has stories and one of us will lay with him for a bit afterwards and talk about his day etc.

DH and I take turns at doing bedtime.

I generally cook and DH cleans up afterwards.

When things were ‘normal’ and we were going out to work, most week days DS would eat dinner alone (seems sad now) and was usually reheated whatever DH and I had eaten the day before, because by the time we all got home it would be 5:30-6. DH and I would eat much later (after DS bedtime) and most evenings one of us would be out at the gym or whatever and the other one would do bedtime and get the dinner on.

I think it’s going to take some adjusting when we get ‘normal’ back!

Home working means DH emerges around 5-5.30, earlier than he'd be back if he were commuting. Some days I will be halfway through cooking dinner by then. Other days we will chat and DS will play in and out of the kitchen while one or the other of us cooks. DS goes into the bath around 6 and we eat together around 6.45. DS is in bed around 7.30-7.45. We finish clearing up and do any jobs that need doing, and then the rest of the evening is there to catch up on work, chat, read etc. We do often spend at least an hour cooking, but it's sociable time not one of us locked in the kitchen while the other does childcare.

I’d say you need a bit more equality in your downtime OP

We have DD 2.5 - she eats at 5/5.30pm, either something batch cooked like spag bol, cottage pie, curry or veggie pasta sauce etc (also fish fingers/sausage and mash). She’s independent enough now that she can watch tv/play while I cook and pop back and forth from kitchen.

DH works from home but often isn’t finished until 6, so he takes over with DD when he gets in and spends some time with her while I tidy/have a sit down/get bedtime stuff ready.

We alternate bedtime so whoever is on duty takes DD up at 6.15/6.30 for bath, pjs, stories etc and she’s usually asleep by 7.30.

Whoever’s on dinner duty will tidy toys and cook dinner while listening to a podcast, aiming to be ready by 7.45/8ish. It works for us as we’ve always been late eaters and don’t go to bed until 11ish.

We eat as a family during the weekend and I eat lunch with DD on the 2 days a week I don’t work. She’s in childcare the other 3 days so just had a snack when she gets home.

As she gets older I think we’ll move to eating all our meals together but we’re not very good at meal planning as a family so need to get a bit more organised!

Those eating at 5/6pm, how are you not starving by 10/11? I’d be eating twice!

We always ate together at 6.30, kids adjust to meal times

Ds is in nursery til 3.30 one day, home two days a week and I finish at 4, and 6 two days a week. On not 6pm days, we go to a park together and we'll cook something a bit faffier. On 6pm days, I finish at 6 and DH collects, while I wash up/start dinner (we are more likely to have baked potatoes/pasta/oven food these days). Ds will watch a bit of tv with dh, I'll watch YouTube or listen to a podcast while doing kitchen stuff. We eat around 6.30-7, Ds (20 months) does a little quiet play while me and DH relax a little, upstairs for change/teeth/maybe a bath 7.30-8ish, asleep 8.30. it's quite late but I was a never an eat early girl and with my work shift, it works for now and means everyone gets a bit of switch off time.

DSs (4 and 8) fed by childminder and home at 6. One of us is home by then (before I was WFH we took turns). Listen to reading, DS1 does music practice. DSs get 30 minutes computer time. At 7 (usually other parent appears about then) one has a bath while the other has a shower (too much bickering for them to share) then milk, stories, teeth and bed for 8.

We then cook but it’s open plan so we chat whilst cooking. Watch TV together, eat in front of the TV (my DM is scandalised), work is needed (always for DH, sometimes for me). Bed about 11.

DD is four next week. During the week we usually eat between 6.30 and 7.30, and then she's into bed around 8.30-9 (she's not a big sleeper so this is a massive improvement on when she was tiny and really wouldn't sleep). Sometimes, if she's been tired or if we are eating something she really dislikes, we might give her something earlier on her own.

Usually she goes up for bed around 8 or 8.30, takes half an hour to get ready - I hate this, I wish it were shorter - and one of us, almost always DP, reads a stories until she falls asleep.

On the weekend we eat any time between 6 and 9 - often we have brunch so everything is set later and we eat late. On the weekend I usually get her to sleep.

I think this is going to have to change soon when she goes to school, and it's not perfect, but at the moment that's how it is.

When my DC were that age, OP, I used to feed them what we called "children's tea" at 5ish. Then I would do bath, stories, and bed by 6.30. XH and I would then have supper at 8ish, normally cooked by me. I didn't mind cooking as XH was at work until after the children's bedtime. I quite liked the hour of quiet (radio and cooking) after they had gone to bed, and also liked having supper just with him. Then I would have an hour or so of pottering around without the DC there, which I liked. I was a SAHM, so had seen quite enough of them after 13 hours.

I'm not sure anyone needs to spend an hour cooking, though. When the DC were that age, I didn't do anything time-consuming.

Sahm and DC are 5 and 3.

Most weeknights we all eat dinner together between 5.30-6.30 depending if DH is wfh and what we’re doing and what time he gets home (usually around 6). Kids watch tv while I cook. Normally takes me about half hour, although I do a lot of slow cooking and also prep meals earlier in the day if I have time.

After dinner we roll right into bedtime for 3yr old. Usually I time bath night for earlier dinner night. DH does her bedtime and I clean up kitchen, make packed lunches etc. She’s usually down right around 7 and then DH will play with 5 year old for 30 min and then we take turns to do his bedtime and he’s normally asleep by 8.