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Original poster

Friend is insisting their large 3 bedroomed house is a 1 bedroom

91 replies

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/03/2021 01:27

Can someone explain why they would do this? Is it a sign she is struggling with MH reasons or is there a rational explanation? There aren't any uninvited guests that want to stay there. Is it because of no planning permission? I tried to ask her and she said the 2nd bedroom was too small and the loft wasn't a proper bedroom. She got angry about it so I just shut up about it. She's now said something about someone having a huge place and how envious she is - but her house is so much bigger and everyone knows it.

She had a partner and 4 children live in the house at one time. She now has a widow's pension and money for her disabilities. She has a day bed downstairs but gets up the stairs to the first floor easily enough. A few people have suggested she move to a smaller house but she doesn't want to. That was a few years ago after her youngest child moved out.

The main bedroom and second bedroom are on the first floor. The second bedroom has been made smaller by wardrobes and cupboards the whole length of the room - this has been done in the last few years. There is a wardrobe at the end and you go thru the wardrobe to get to the loft conversion stairs. She has removed the bedroom door and says it is too small to be a bedroom - despite having a single bed in it.

The stairs to the loft have a fire door; they are narrower than the other stairs but seem well made. The only odd thing is the wardrobe Narnia door and taking the bedroom door off.

The loft conversion has a dormer window and spans the whole of the loft. There is a king size bed and a single bed in it. Many houses on the street have converted the space into two bedrooms with an ensuite.

OP posts:

user143677433 · 21/03/2021 01:50

In what context is it coming into discussion? That might give a clue as to her thinking.

She might be feeling modest. Could be a humblebrag. Could be that she is using it as a 1-bed with walk in closet and loft, so that’s how she sees it. Could be that she is sick of it, sees it as too small, and has set her sights on something more traditionally laid out.

Monstamio · 21/03/2021 02:01

Could be some kind of planning permission/building regs thing? I remember viewing a house once which had to be called a three bedroom not a four because the loft conversion didn't have proper permissions. I can't remember the details though.

Also, if you have to go through a bedroom to get to another bedroom then that's not great.

It does sound like she might be struggling in some way, though. Installing a wardrobe over a doorway seems like an odd choice to make.

safariboot · 21/03/2021 02:06

Wild guess, is she scared she'll be forced to move out of her "too big" home (whether that fear has any basis or not)? And is therefore portraying it as a 1 bed to stop anyone taking it away from her, would be the logic?

Meowchickameowmeow · 21/03/2021 02:19

Who is she insisting to and in what context?

GreenLeafTurnip · 21/03/2021 02:25

If she's in receipt of benefits is she worried about the bedroom tax if she's living alone?

PopAyetheSailorMam · 21/03/2021 02:33

Thin width stairs can mean that no permission is given and it’s only technically an occasional use room. We had an attic room like that, the cost or fixing stairs wouldn’t be recouped by us before sale. We sold to a painter who was owed favour paybacks and they did the work at a much more affordable rate. It was the first road in excellent schools catchment areas too which is why they bought the house.

Original poster

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/03/2021 02:34

It does seem to be her trying to persuade others she's envious of their situations but it is very obvious she has a huge house. It's like driving a range rover that everyone can see but insisting you only have a mini. It makes people think she's odd or fake.

She says she envies me because of my rented house which is tiny. I have no space and problems with damp walls. I ask her why and she won't/can't give me a reason. It could be the clutter in my house that makes it look lived in but she hates clutter. I don't think the responsibility of having her own house and no mortgage is a problem for her. She may feel too rich and not want others to envy her or to deflect potential burglars?

Many people have family houses that have empty rooms after their children move out. Her house looks spotless and she doesn't seem to struggle with the upkeep or running costs.

OP posts:

alexdgr8 · 21/03/2021 02:35

i doubt it's anything to do with benefits, as how would she have converted the loft if it was rented.
there is no help with housing costs for owner/occupiers.
i can't understand quite what you mean.
why would anyone comment on the size of her house, or number of rooms, and why does she refer to it.
what's with the wardrobe over a doorway.
how can one walk through a wardrobe.
or do you mean it has been placed so as to conceal the way to the loft room.
maybe it was built without planning permission/ building control regs.
does she show any signs of dementia.
what do her children think. they are responsible for her welfare, if anyone is. if you are really worried, you could ring social services, but best to refer any concerns with hr children first.

Original poster

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/03/2021 02:39

There have been several comments about others having better houses and one person told her she was being ridiculous. Another offered a swap.

It would be different if people didn't know where she lives but they do.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 21/03/2021 02:41

Is she miserable in general or is this the only cloud in an otherwise blue sky for her?

alexdgr8 · 21/03/2021 02:43

maybe she thinks not having to be responsible for upkeep/ maintenance is a benefit of renting.
obviously there are down sides too.
but being on her own, the thought of having to deal with major issues may scare her. it's not just the cost, but the responsibility, what to do, when, how, who to choose, how big a project etc.
also you seem to assume that someone on widow's pension and disability benefits is well off. i doubt that, unless she has other means. disabled people struggle. financially and practically.
if she is getting disability payments she must have a disability, so she is less able to cope with all the responsibility of running a home, as an owner. it is a heavy burden, esp when older, alone, disabled.
you seem almost suspicious of her ?

alexdgr8 · 21/03/2021 02:46

also i wouldn't call a house with only one double and one single bedroom on the first floor, ie as it was originally built, huge.
an average house has 3 bedroom, even if one is a box room.
the loft conversion sounds a bit odd.

Original poster

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/03/2021 02:52

The bedroom door has been removed. The doorway is opposite the window. On the left side of the room is a single bed than runs the full length of the left wall.

On the right side of the room is a wall of built in cupboards and wardrobes. The full size wardrobe opens - it has a half rail on the left side. On the right side is no rail. You walk in then turn right and move to the stairs. I think they had a door at the bottom and top of the loft stairs but the bottom one is missing.

OP posts:

dotdashdashdash · 21/03/2021 02:52

She may well be right.

For mortgage purposes, the room with the stairs cant be classed as a bedroom and if the loft room doesn't have building regs sign off, it can't be classed as a bedroom either...leaving one actual bedroom. How you use a house in reality though is obviously quite different.

Whydidimarryhim · 21/03/2021 03:18

I think she maybe one of life’s complainers. Nothing is ever enough.
Stop trying to solve her issues - I mean that nicely. It’s not your problem to fix. Some people like to complain - it’s who they are - is she always like this as I’d question what I got out of the friendship.
She can solve her own issues and she is not able to see how fortunate she is.
I now at 56 minimise contact with people who are stuck in their problem. My mind is clearer like that.

BitOfFun · 21/03/2021 03:33

It's a bit overboard to suggest she has MH problems. Far more likely that she just feels happiest when she's moaning.

alexdgr8 · 21/03/2021 03:43

@dotdashdashdash

She may well be right.

i think i agree. that arrangement for the loft space would never comply with regs. and a bedroom that is only accessible through another bedroom means that both could not be used as bedrooms. there is no privacy for the original bedroom. it was very risky to have presumably her children sleeping in that space, as a regular thing. no proper fire exit pathway. sounds like they have place/left the cupboard to conceal the entrance to the loft space, but if there is a dormer window it will be pretty obvious. wonder why it was done like that. will make it difficult to sell. maybe she feels she has been left with a white elephant.

Original poster

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/03/2021 03:43

@dotdashdashdash

She may well be right.

Possibly.

I am more concerned than suspicious. The comments have been increasing the last few years. Her children laughed about the changes at the time.

OP posts:

alexdgr8 · 21/03/2021 03:47

do you mean they laughed about the changes to the house, loft;
or the changes in her behaviour, comments.
maybe she wishes she had a simple standard, code-compliant house.
esp if she is having to consider down-sizing ie selling.

Original poster

PandemicAtTheDisco · 21/03/2021 04:02

They were the ones making the Narnia, Anne Frank and dead bodies in the attic comments.

OP posts:

jessstan2 · 21/03/2021 04:24

With the second upstairs bedroom quite full and having to go through a wardrobe for stairs to the loft bedroom, it doesn't sound very big, frankly. Not a 'convenient' house at all. However, why she would want somewhere bigger though, I know not.

Isn't that her business? People want all sorts of things during their life but they know they can't have them. It's silly to express it really. If she brings it up again, change the subject.

emilyfrost · 21/03/2021 05:13

Why does this keep coming up? Is it her mentioning it first or others?

Is she reacting this way and getting defensive because everyone keeps going on at her or bringing it up with her?

I just don’t see how this even enters conversation at all

sleveen · 21/03/2021 05:23

You seem to know a lot about the layout of her house! I don't think that I've ever seen every room in someone else's house. I want a bedroom through a wardrobe and up a stairs now though!

Gumandbass · 21/03/2021 05:26

I am also struggling to see how this keeps coming up. Who is starting this conversation and in what context?. Why are you talking to her kids about it?

sleveen · 21/03/2021 05:33

Dd's best friend's mother once came to my humble abode. She lived in a very old mansion (they were loaded, hence the one time only visit - I never felt comfortable in her presence really). I lived in a new build three bed semi. She remarked on her one visit how lovely it was and said something like 'it's nice when everything is new and fresh'. She and her husband have since built a brand new house mansion
I thought that she was being polite at the time, but in hindsight I think that she genuinely envied my fresh new home. I suspect their old house was a money pit.

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